Sunday, April 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Reddit user who was declared clinically dead twice says there is nothing after death. Although he will be changing his story in a couple of weeks once the hospital bills start rolling in.

Scientists have proposed a way to hide the Earth from aliens using lasers. Which sounds a lot more complex and expensive than Donald Trump’s plan to hide just the U.S. from aliens by building a wall.

A report says the U.S. lost 29,000 manufacturing jobs in March but gained jobs in retail, food and drinking places. The sad part is the jobs in retail and food were filled by recent college graduates and the need for more drinking establishments was created by the 29,000 workers who just lost their manufacturing jobs.

A survey says 44% of Americans can’t sleep at night, mostly because of worries about their job. Which is still better than the other 56% who can’t sleep at night because they wish they were part of the 44% who still have a job.

The Association of American Medical Colleges says the U.S. could lose 1 Million doctors by 2025. Mostly from the 50 Million people who can’t see a doctor until they manage to finally find a job that offers them some health insurance.

The Association of American Medical Colleges says the U.S. could lose 1 Million doctors by 2025. Mostly because the medical students are smart enough to do the math and realize it will take until 2050 to pay off $250,000 in medical school tuition loans.

Researchers say they have developed a program that can predict when people will die. Which is pretty much figured out by adding six months to the date when their work ends their health insurance coverage.

Researchers say they have developed a program that can predict when people will die. Which for men is somewhere about five minutes after their wife figures out their password that lets her get into their Facebook page and see who they are messaging.

Researchers say they have developed a program that can predict when people will die. Which is about 30 seconds for anyone walking into the Oakland Coliseum for a Raiders home game wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

New technology enables people to change their online appearance in real time. Which so far the only requests is from users of Myspace.com for how to change from a 47 year old man into a 17 year old girl.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is calling for an end of the Caucasus clashes. Which is different from the Republicans in the U.S. who are calling for an end to the bloody clashes in the primary caucuses.

A New Mexico man was arrested after shooting a plumber who was fixing his sink. Apparently the plumber bent over and it turns out his customer was a real crack shot.

A 100 year old California woman has been evicted from her apartment for reportedly making too much noise arguing with her daughter. Apparently she objected to her daughter going out looking like a tramp wearing orthopedic shoes with open toes.

A 100 year old California woman has been evicted from her apartment for reportedly making too much noise arguing with her daughter. Although at their age the reason they were arguing loudly is because they forgot to turn up their hearing aids.

Rhode Island’s top marketing official has resigned after making a promotional video for the state using pictures from Iceland. The good news is the story brought more publicity to Rhode Island than they have had in the past 30 years.

Rhode Island’s top marketing official has resigned after making a promotional video for the state using pictures from Iceland. The sad part is that the only way to make people want to come to Rhode Island is to make it look like Iceland.

Rhode Island’s top marketing official has resigned after making a promotional video for the state using pictures from Iceland. That’s like a woman going on an Internet dating site and trying to get men by substituting her profile with pictures of Rosie O’Donnell.

Rhode Island’s top marketing official has resigned after making a promotional video for the state using pictures from Iceland. The new marketing official has already come up with a new promotion campaign using the slogan “Rhode Island: better than Delaware.”

President Obama and other world leaders are urging action on nuclear security and terrorism. If only the leader of the free world and the heads of other nations knew someone who had the power and capability to help them achieve those goals.

President Obama says that drone strikes are becoming more precise. Which is great knowing the government technology used to kill terrorists will someday guarantee Amazon Prime customers that the box of diapers they ordered will end up right on their front doorstep.

President Obama says that global firms are nervous about doing business in Iran. He says that business leaders there just have learn to stay calm and not lose their head.

President Obama says that global firms are nervous about doing business in Iran. Which comes as no surprise in a country where people hold their breath while turning the ignition key in their car every morning.

Police say there is no evidence the knife found at O.J. Simpson’s house was used to murder Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. Of course, this comes in a case where there was also no evidence found on the bloody gloves, Ford Bronco or DNA left at the scene.

An SUV in California that was fleeing police somehow got inside a Navy base and crashed into a $60 Million fighter jet. Which is bad news for producers who just went way over budget at the same time giving away the ending to the “Top Gun” sequel.

Polls show that Donald Trump is now the least popular American politician in the last three decades. The worst part is that he got a sympathy card signed by Jimmy Carter, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

A study says that one in five people in the world will be obese by 2025. The other four are asking what is taking them so long.

A study says that one in five people in the world will be obese by 2025. Which shows that once again, the U.S. is at the forefront of every trend emerging on the planet.

A study says that one in five people in the world will be obese by 2025. The good news is that it means we are finally winning the war on global hunger.

A cigarette maker in India says it will keep its factories shut until new rules are established about the size of package warning labels. Which ironically are not necessary as long as the factories are kept closed down.

A report says that Millennials are fueling a nationwide boom in apartment construction. The only problem is for the ones who will have to adjust to the glare of sunlight after spending the past ten years cooped up in their parents’ basement.

Data says the number one reason for visits to the ER are from injuries on steps and stairs. Which answers the question as to why the ER is usually located on the first floor of the hospital.

Data says the number one reason for visits to the ER are from injuries on steps and stairs. Which seems to be an epidemic for people who have no health insurance who keep tripping over those same steps every time they come down with the flu.

Data says the number one reason for visits to the ER are from injuries on steps and stairs. Which coincidentally they keep seeming to trip on or fall down every time they get shot or stabbed.

A study says that 21% of Americans say they are “very confident” they have enough money to retire. Provided they are run over by a bus and killed in the parking lot on their last day at work.

A study says that 21% of Americans say they are “very confident” they have enough money to retire. The other 79% say they don’t yet but should have it by their projected retirement age of 93.

A study says that families are in worse shape as income has lagged since the end of the recession. The reason for that is because for most Americans, the recession ended on the day the depression started.

A study says that families are in worse shape as income has lagged since the end of the recession. The suggested remedies are cutting back on spending, downsizing the family lifestyle and trying to convince the kids they really don’t need to go to college.

A report says the average apartment price in Manhattan is now $2 Million. The good news is the refrigerator boxes thrown out onto the street by the people who can afford to live there are still going for a modest $2,500 a month.

Wal-Mart revenues have dropped from the previous year for the first time ever. How bad has the economy gotten when people can’t go to Wal-Mart because it has become too upscale?

Wal-Mart revenues have dropped from the previous year for the first time ever. Wal-Mart is blaming it on having to raise prices because of the cost of labor for goods made in countries that are starting to allow union representation for their indentured servants.

The FDA is proposing limits on the amount of arsenic allowed in rice cereal for babies. Which has most parents saying shouldn’t that limit be somewhere around zero?

The FDA is proposing limits on the amount of arsenic allowed in rice cereal for babies. The good news is there will be no limitations to prevent those children from getting their minimum daily requirements of strychnine, mercury and cyanide.

The FDA is proposing limits on the amount of arsenic allowed in rice cereal for babies. Which has conservatives asking when are we going to get the government out of our lives and stop making our children weak with all this coddling?

A study says that horse riding is the leading cause of sports related traumatic brain injuries. Mostly from race track bettors banging their heads against the wall when the nag they bet their entire paycheck on came in last place.

A study says that horse riding is the leading cause of sports related traumatic brain injuries. Which means at USC football games, the receiver who just took a shot to the head needs less attention to the guy dressed as a Trojan riding around on Traveler.

A study says that for the first time in history, the number of obese people in the world is greater than those underweight. Which shows just how drastically the drop in the global economy has affected the fashion industry with all the layoffs of the top runway models.

The University of Maryland has disavowed a study by its researchers saying drinking a certain brand of chocolate milk can help athletes recover from concussions. The school says it will return the grant money and rename their new Nestle Quick Research Center.

Researchers say there may be a link between poor oral health care and age related mental decline. Although someone has to be pretty far gone already to forget they haven’t brushed their teeth in the past 15 years.

Researchers say there may be a link between poor oral health care and age-related mental decline. Which is good news for the people of Mississippi who at least still get to do daily mental exercises like having to remember how to spell “Mississippi.”

A study says that an infant’s BMI may be used to predict childhood obesity. Especially for the babies who are six months old and already stretching out a size 36 Huggies.

A study says a lack of sleep may contribute to an increase in appetite and craving junk food. Or vice versa for the people who stay up all night because there isn’t enough time during the day to down three large pizzas and a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

The latest online challenge features teenagers trying to see if they will slip on a banana peel on the floor. Which could pave the way for a new TV show called “Jackass Light.”

A study says that NFL players are more likely to suffer concussions or ankle injuries on cold days. Which means there could be thousands of casualties prevented just by changing the schedule to make football a summer sport.

Guns N’ Roses gave a surprise concert at the Troubadour nightclub in Hollywood. Not to say that Axl Rose is getting older, but now arriving three hours late to a show means making it to the performance right at the 9:00 start time.

“Duck Dynasty” star Willie Robertson will join Fox News as a contributor. He will be valuable when needing someone on set to explain how President Obama is a “lame duck” and that Donald Trump is a “dead duck.”

Researchers are suggesting there is a link between amateur football impacts and impaired brain function. Which is more bad news for NFL players who see they are just about to be tackled by a Raider.

A marijuana dispensary wants to buy the naming rights to Denver’s Mile High Stadium. Which is ironic as most people thought they already did.

A marijuana dispensary wants to buy the naming rights to Denver’s Mile High Stadium. If they don’t make the deal there is reportedly some interest from the airline that happens to be used by Ralph Fiennes.

California is suing Morgan Stanley for their role in the mortgage crisis leading to losses in the state’s public pension funds. Which retirees now need since they no longer have a home that was foreclosed because of Morgan Stanley’s role in the mortgage crisis.

Federal investigators say that hospices often bill Medicare for a higher level of care than patients need. The question is, what level of care is even required for someone put into a hospice?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think this ties my record for the number of jokes at one sitting of 60. That is, if you are going to be picky and hold jokes to the definition that they must contain humor. I like to think that at least they are grammatically correct with a certain amount of sentence structure. Which shows that I am doing my best to deliver the product, put in a lot of time for research and pretty much have no life. Which is almost as bad as actually sitting down to read all 60 of these jokes. Seriously, I do appreciate you checking out the blog every day and figure if even one of these jokes makes you chuckle, I need to find something else to spend my time on. Just remember if you have any time where you aren’t rolling around on the floor from the spasms of laughing so hard at all of these gems to take a few minutes to make sure to always send the love!

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