Friday, April 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Curt Schilling says ESPN is biased against political conservatives. He has a point. Look how many times they have brought Keith Olbermann back every time they fire him.

Curt Schilling says ESPN is biased against political conservatives. At least the ones who keep posting dumb and offensive tweets.

A report says the biggest risks to humanity over the next five years are asteroids, super volcanoes and other “unknown risks.” The biggest threat will still be labeled as an unknown threat until we know for sure if Donald Trump will be elected President.

A poll says that Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are tied with 38% of voters supporting each. The other 24% couldn’t take the survey as they were too busy packing their bags for the move to another country.

A survey says that 86% of campaign reporters say that Hillary Clinton will be the next President. Those are mostly the reporters who are covering the other campaigns and have to listen to what Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina are saying every day.

A study says having lots of friends is a better painkiller than morphine. Especially if your best friends are Ozzy Osbourne, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.

A report says Facebook spends $5 Million a year on security for Mark Zuckerberg. Which seems kind of odd for someone who claims to have nearly two billion friends.

The University of Washington cheerleading squad is under fire for posting how candidates should dress for tryouts. Mostly because anyone trying out for the pep squad in Washington should show up in rain pants and galoshes with an umbrella.

A study says that U.S. teen births have dropped 40% in the past ten years. The main reasons are the cancellation of “16 and Pregnant,” “Teen Mom” and “Teen Mom 2.”

A report says medical workers are at a high risk of assault from patients. Mostly the ones who fail to get out of the room when the patients are given their hospital bills.

Physical trainers say the case is getting stronger for people to do a one minute intense workout instead of longer moderate exercise. Mostly because one minute is the longest time most people can be pried from the couch and separated from their bag of chips.

Critics are calling for the FDA to ban concentrated caffeine. Which is ironic as the FDA workers would have done it long ago but just don’t seem to have the energy needed to complete the paperwork.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. Mostly so they can have conversations with someone other than the voices in their head.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. Mostly when they realize why they never have any money when they hear their kids talking about cashing grandpa’s Social Security checks.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. The only problem is that they will now be able to hear those TV commercials telling them they need to sign up now for a reverse mortgage.

A group of British doctors is recommending people use e-cigarettes to stop smoking. Which is kind of like telling an alcoholic they need to just drink light beer.

A group of Senators had some harsh words for pharmaceutical company executives over the soaring cost of drugs. To which the executives are saying “Aren’t you the people paying $100 Million for one F-35 fighter jet?”

A group of Senators had some harsh words for pharmaceutical company executives over the soaring cost of drugs. To which the executives are saying they would lower the prices if they had the luxury of running up an $18 Trillion deficit like Congress.

A scene in the new “Angry Birds” movie encourages people to take out their cellphones. Although the bad part is that people already have their phones out to play “Angry Birds” while they wait for the movie to finally be over.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are set to launch a new swimwear line. People were surprised. There are women in the Kardashian family to go poolside wearing something other than sunscreen?

Caitlyn Jenner took Donald Trump up on his offer to use the women’s restroom in Trump Tower and posted a video on Facebook. People now look back to when Facebook was only pictures of what people had for breakfast and cat videos and thought that really wasn’t such a bad time.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. That is just for the building and field. The city will pick up the cost of installing the slot machines and buffet dining room.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. The Raiders know they can sell out every week by instead of billing themselves as an NFL team they will call each season a 16 week residency.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. They know they can sell out the season by saying the team is opening for the half time show act featuring Wayne Newton.

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton says he could have done a better job at the Super Bowl post game press conference. Fans are over the news conference. It’s the 18 for 41 passing with six sacks they are still having a problem with.

Cal Ripken, Jr. is divorcing his wife after 29 years of marriage. Apparently she claims the man who broke Lou Gehrig’s record just wasn’t there for her.

Wal-Mart claims it is looking for STEM workers inside its own stores. Although most Wal-Mart employees think STEM workers are the people in the gardening department who are trimming the flowers.

Wal-Mart claims it is looking for STEM workers inside its own stores. Although most Wal-Mart employees think STEM workers are the ones who are in charge of Soda, Tents, Elvis posters and Motor oil.

Google has reportedly made a deal with Fiat Chrysler to make a self-driving car. Which will be much easier once Fiat Chrysler comes up with a car that actually makes it out of the driveway while someone is behind the wheel.

Google has filed for a patent to inject a device directly into the eye to improve people’s vision. Don’t we already have that? It’s called contact lenses.

The CEO of Google says that devices will be a thing of the past. Which they already are for the people who have drawers full of old iPods, Blackberrys and TomToms.

Snapchat says its videos are up to 10 Billion views a day. As many as three of the videos that are being watched feature people who have kept their clothes on.

A South African telecom CEO is in trouble for going on a radio show and saying women have a “bitch switch.” Apparently before he went on the air he forgot to turn off his own “moron switch.”

Apple is eying a voice unlock system for iPhones. Although the one phrase that will not work to open any of the phones is saying “We’re here from the FBI.”

Facebook says it has complied with 81% of the government’s demands for personal data. Apparently the feds are compiling the world’s largest database for pictures of food and cat videos.

Facebook says it has complied with 81% of the government’s demands for personal data. They would have handed over the other 19%, but the FBI keeps insisting they can get it without anyone’s help.

Facebook beat quarterly projections for profit, revenue and new users. The only question is who are new users who are just finding out about Facebook?

Uber says it may start charging customers extra for making drivers wait more than a few minutes. Although the reason they need an Uber driver in the first place is because they are so drunk it takes them 20 minutes to find their way out of the bar.

Self-driving car advocates say that the federal government and not states should set the rules. Mostly because the people in Wyoming who want self-driving technology are still waiting for their local officials to finish the handbook on operating a horse and buggy.

Facebook has adopted rules to allow Mark Zuckerberg to retain his power if he takes a “government post or office.” Which means either he has aspirations to be President or wants to live out his lifelong fantasy of being the license photographer at the DMV.

A report says that seven new animal species were discovered recently in Bolivia. The Bolivian researchers described them as “delicious.”

A letter addressed to Donald Trump contained some suspicious white powder. Although normally there would be no mystery at all about what is inside some white powder in the hands of a billionaire who made his money in the 1970s in New York City.

The Indianapolis Star editorial board slammed Donald Trump as “a danger to the U.S. and to the world” if elected President. Well, at least they narrowed it down to who might be negatively affected if he moves into the White House.

The Indianapolis Star editorial board slammed Donald Trump as “a danger to the U.S. and to the world” if elected President. Which means the first thing Trump will do after being inaugurated is make the auto emissions laws so tough the Indy 500 will become a bicycle race.

A New Jersey congressman is calling for an investigation of FEMA for fraud. Apparently he just heard about that thing back in 2005 in New Orleans called Katrina.

A House bill is aiming to block Norwegian Air flights into the U.S., citing concerns about safety and labor laws. They think they are more unsafe than U.S. airlines? What do they do, fly with the doors and windows left open?

 A House bill is aiming to block Norwegian Air flights into the U.S., citing concerns about safety and labor laws. Which male travelers couldn’t care less about, just the chance to fly and be waited on by hot blonde flight attendants.

Bobby Knight says that Donald Trump has the “guts” to drop a nuclear bomb like Harry S. Truman. Which Trump would do right after naming Knight U.N. Ambassador and watching him throw a chair across the floor of the General Assembly.

Bobby Knight says that Donald Trump has the “guts” to drop a nuclear bomb like Harry S. Truman. Which is probably the first time anyone has given a stump speech that endorses a candidate because of their willingness to start a thermonuclear war.

John Kasich says he is still in the presidential race and that he is “still standing.” Although the sad part is that it is because the leasing company just repossessed all the seats from his campaign bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today was a pretty slow news day, but I still managed to crank out 50 jokes. Which means that probably half of them are actually just grammatically correct sentences. If they are even grammatically correct. I am just glad you made it this far without giving up. I admire those who are unreasonably optimistic. You are the same people who go to the polls thinking your choice will make some sort of difference. We can all dream, can’t we? The answer to my dreams is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and always send the love!

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