Thursday, April 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says lifestyle factors like obesity, stress and cellphone use can damage a man’s sperm. But then how many women want to raise a family with someone who is  overweight, stressed out and has their face buried in their iPhone all day?

An Italian court has ordered a man to help pay for the upkeep of his 28 year old son. Fortunately for Americans, the most they are expected to do for their grown children is let them continue to live for free where they don’t have to see them in their basement.

A report says that Ted Cruz can’t get enough delegates to win the Republican presidential nomination. Which is amazing that he actually was able to reach the point of being mathematically eliminated before the Houston Astros.

A study says that the Snowden leaks have made Internet users more cautious about their browsing habits. Although most men have never heard of Edward Snowden but they know what will happen if their wives ever find out what they are looking at online.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. Which means we could soon see a return to the airwaves for Ted Koppel.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. Which means it will soon have consultants coming in who will be looking at potential candidates and suggesting more hair, less circuitry.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. The only problem is if IBM’s Watson gets the job, producers will have to learn to be able to cope with 15 terabytes of ego.

Test scores show that only 37% of American 12th graders are prepared for college math and reading. Which is still a lot better than the 2% who are prepared to deal with paying off tuition loans for 40 years.

Test scores show that only 37% of American 12th graders are prepared for college math and reading. Which is still better than the other 63% of 12th graders who aren’t prepared for the 7th grade.

A study says that sugar can cause brain damage. Apparently along with any of the other ingredients that can be found in a bottle of Mountain Dew.

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered the pilot was actually supposed to be flying from Atlanta to Dallas on Delta.

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. That’s what happens when you sit on the tarmac for three hours and your iPad loses its charge.

Public sector workers in Venezuela have seen their workweek cut to two days in order to save energy. Or as most U.S. government workers call that, “overtime.”

A study says that mindfulness therapy works as well as antidepressant drugs. Mostly just from the fact the people practicing it will be that much happier from not worrying about their insurance company covering their prescription bills.

Donald Trump gave a foreign policy speech where he promised coherence. Which he was able to deliver just in the fact he finally used a teleprompter instead of talking for three hours off the top of his head.

Donald Trump gave a foreign policy speech where he promised to put “America first.” Apparently his plan is to open casinos in all of our rival countries and end up looking like big versions of Atlantic City.

South Korea is changing its Olympic uniforms to protect its athletes from the Zika virus. Although it is going to be difficult to compete in the decathlon while wearing head to toe mosquito netting.

South Korea is changing its Olympic uniforms to protect its athletes from the Zika virus. Meanwhile, the U.S. is changing its athletes’ clothing to protect them from a more probable fate by exchanging their sweatpants for full size body condoms.

A leak reveals no revolutionary new features on the iPhone 7. Just the usual way for people to spend $700 so they can brag to their friends who still only have an iPhone 6, 5 or 4.

Ted Cruz has announced his running mate if nominated will be Carly Fiornia. She was chosen as she can help sway the women’s vote, because of her business background and her experience that will help advise him how to gracefully drop out of the race.

A survey says that healthcare is the top financial concern of American families. Once they figure out the chances of being able to pay off their medical bills, they will then have to determine what to do with any money left over from winning the lottery.

The CEO of Priceline is resigning over an improper relationship with an employee. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered he was not only the CEO but the company’s top customer in motel room rentals.

McDonald’s is testing a simpler recipe for its McNuggets. Apparently this time the company will actually try to add some chicken.

More investors are challenging the huge salaries given company CEOs. What they should be investing in are the companies that own the private jets, limousines and 5 star hotels that the company provides for the CEO to use every day.

A study says health care prices vary widely across the U.S. and even from hospital to hospital. Apparently it all depends on whether the patients’ doctors are wanting to buy a new Mercedes Benz or a beachfront condo.

A study says that poor navigational skills could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the patient can’t even get a diagnosis because they keep getting lost on the way to the doctor’s office.

A study says that poor navigational skills could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Or it could also mean they are a man and would rather drive around lost for seven hours than pull over to ask for directions.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person’s hearing. Especially when they became diabetic because they couldn’t hear their spouse telling them not to eat that third piece of pie.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person’s hearing. Although you have to wonder if something could have been done to prevent the diabetes when their body fat actually blocked their ear canals.

Data says there are now more Millennials in the U.S. than Baby Boomers. Although it just looks like there are more Boomers because the Millennials rarely come out of their parents’ basement.

Scientists say that “Resting Bitch Face” is a real condition. Apparently the study used before and after pictures of Hillary Clinton right around the time the nation found out about Monica Lewinsky.

Scientists say that “Resting Bitch Face” is a real condition. Which having the condition in common may be the underlying reason that Ted Cruz chose to run with Carly Fiorina.

Charlie Sheen says a restraining order requested by his ex-fiancee is a publicity stunt. Almost as much of a publicity stunt as becoming engaged to Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen says a restraining order requested by his ex-fiancee is a publicity stunt. The only legitimate restraining orders against Charlie Sheen come from former wives and co-workers.

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of Saturn and called it Jupiter. Which is OK as long as she doesn’t confuse it with “Uranus.” (It’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s predictable. But always funny!)

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of Saturn and called it Jupiter. Apparently she likes them both as they have 129 moons between them, about the same number that can be seen whenever Miley Cyrus takes the stage.

Patriots resale ticket prices have dropped in the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension. It was blamed on his absence from the games, the bad publicity and deflation in general.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is ready to move on from Deflategate. Which translated means he won.

The President of the Philippines says that a terrorist group plotted to kidnap boxer Manny Pacquiao. Mostly because he could command a huge ransom, would give publicity to their cause and they knew after watching him fight Floyd Mayweather he wouldn’t hit back.

A Dallas judge has ordered Johnny Manziel to appear in court May 5th. The judge picked that date knowing if there is one day Manziel is guaranteed to be in Texas, it is for Cinco de Mayo .

A 29 year old man who was arrested after posing as a high school basketball player in Canada says since he is from South Sudan he had no idea of his real age. Although three quick clues could have been his receding hairline, pot belly and liver spots.

Facebook has proposed a new class of stock to protect Mark Zuckerber’s control over the company. Apparently it is the only stock that allows any stockholder votes and comes at a price of $50 Billion a share.

Ford and Google are teaming up to support federal approval of driverless cars. So far the closest Ford has come to a driverless car is when the parking brake failed on a Focus that was parked on a hill.

A boost in Facebook stock sent Mark Zuckerberg’s net worth up $4.2 Billion on Wednesday, making him the world’s 6th wealthiest person. The sad part is that he has no idea all 1.5 Billion Facebook users have friended him just for his money.

Customer backlash has caused Comcast to boost its broadband data limit to 1 Terabyte a month. That equals 700 hours of video and 12,000 hours of games. Or as AOL calls that, see you in 2073.

Customer backlash has caused Comcast to boost its broadband data limit to 1 Terabyte a month. That equals 700 hours of video and 12,000 hours of games. Which is good news for Baby Boomers who only have to see their millennial kids come up from the basement for pizza and to ask what day it is.

An Apple employee was found dead at the company’s headquarters. Although no cause of death has been released yet, it can pretty much be assumed it wasn’t old age.

A new “serious” video game challenges players to keep the national debt in check. The idea is getting high school aged kids working on an $18 Trillion debt will make paying off a $100,000 college debt over 40 years seem easy by comparison.

Dyson has launched a $399 supersonic home hair dryer. Apparently it was made for the purpose of saving valuable hours every day by installing one in the White House in case Donald Trump is elected President.

A report says that pollution is causing the planet to become greener as plants are thriving on the additional CO2. Which is good to know all the cemeteries will be even more beautiful places to visit after global warming kills us all.

85 year old William Shatner says that “Star Trek” technology is not all that far fetched. Which is a surprise coming from someone who still has a VCR in his living room that is constantly flashing “12:00.”

85 year old William Shatner says that “Star Trek” technology is not all that far fetched. Although at least by 2364 someone will have invented a more believable hairpiece.

The Secret Service says it wants to increase the size of the fence around the White House to a height of 12 feet. Apparently they are already anticipating the first order coming from the White House after Donald Trump moves in.

The Secret Service says it wants to increase the size of the fence around the White House to 12 feet. Apparently they figure the time it would take most people to scale a fence that high would give the agents on duty a chance to sober up and call 911.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog once again. I am still cranking them out every day even though I am still woefully short of my goal to reach 7 Billion readers a day. I just can’t believe more people are willing to vote for ted Cruz for President than check out this great humor site. Some things just never make any sense. At least I feel I get your vote every day, especially when you remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!

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