Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An Idaho family saw the birth of its first girl in 101 years. Until now, the family gatherings of only white males looked instead like a boardroom meeting somewhere in Silicon Valley.

A survey says that one in four young people would date a robot. Which is no surprise. Since they meet most of the people they go out with by using their iPhone, why not just cut out the middle man?

A survey says that one in four young people would date a robot. It could be worse. The women who ended up marrying Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg went through the same thing but also moved right into a family bankroll of $50 Billion.

ExxonMobil lost its AAA credit rating because of falling oil prices. Which is ironic with all the people who saw their credit ratings go up the past several years because of how much money they put on their credit cards buying gasoline when it was $4 a gallon.

An Arizona company is charging people $200,000 to freeze them when they are dead for revival when a cure is found for what killed them. The only question for people who are killed in traffic accidents is what is the cure for texting while driving?

An Arizona company is charging people $200,000 to freeze them when they are dead for revival when a cure is found for what killed them. They are already recruiting customers with the promise that when they are brought back they will have an unbeatable softball game using Ted Williams as a ringer.

An Arizona company is charging people $200,000 to freeze them when they are dead for revival when a cure is found for what killed them. It’s an easy sell since living another ten years in Arizona would mean spending at least that much just on air conditioning.

Deodorant maker Nivea has launched a body odor detecting app. If your cellphone can tell that you smell that badly, you won’t need an app to figure out why everyone is keeping their distance.

Deodorant maker Nivea has launched a body odor detecting app. The only problem is telling if someone reeks of body odor or if it is just the musty smell from all those years of living in their parents’ basement.

Two New York teenagers were robbed of their cellphones and forced by the thieves to reset their passwords. To which the FBI is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”



Scientists say that creative people may secretly be psychopaths. Especially all the ones who are creative enough to get people to buy into thinking Donald Trump would make a great President.

A new DNA test can reportedly measure the compatibility of couples. For instance, a woman can tell there is going to be trouble when the man’s DNA for the test was taken off another woman’s blue polka dot dress.

A New Hampshire man wearing a shirt saying “This Guy Needs A Beer” was arrested for DUI. Which means he would be a free man if only his “I’m With Stupid” shirt wasn’t still in the laundry.

A New Hampshire man wearing a shirt saying “This Guy Needs A Beer” was arrested for DUI. It’s just a good thing he wasn’t wearing his other shirt that says “Don’t Bother Me I’m Texting.”

A New Hampshire man wearing a shirt saying “This Guy Needs A Beer” was arrested for DUI. From now on when he is drinking and driving he will wear his shirt that says “So What Else Is There To Do In New Hampshire?”

Maine Governor Paul LePage says he won’t apologize for mocking a customer service worker with an Indian accent. Mostly because with two years left in his term there just isn’t enough time to apologize to everyone he has offended.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says he won’t apologize for mocking a customer service worker with an Indian accent. For one thing, they barely understand it when he talks about how Mainers make such a wicked chowdah, ayuh.

The King of Spain says no political party there has enough support to form a government. People were confused. Was he talking about Spain or the U.S.?

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is planning to argue to the Supreme Court that buying political access is a constitutional right. Apparently he is referring to the little used Article II Section 3 that gives the right to graft, corruption and the pursuit of bribes.

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is planning to argue to the Supreme Court that buying political access is a constitutional right. The problem is he forgets this Court is missing several members who were part of making the decision in Bush v. Gore.

Prince has become the fourth artist to ever have albums holding the #1 and #2 position on the charts at the same time. Apparently if he had known that, he would have died 20 years ago.

Only two U.S. companies, Microsoft and Johnson & Johnson have the same credit rating as the U.S. government. The only question is how did those companies also go $18 Trillion in the red?

The Transportation Department says air fares in 2015 were the lowest in five years. Mostly because with all the fees they collect for blankets, pillows and drinks they find if they gave tickets away to get people on the planes they would still make record profits.

A motorist is suing Snapchat for offering a filter that shows how fast someone is driving while taking selfies that resulted in a 107 mph accident. What Snapchat needs is another filter to show how the person’s IQ drops at exactly the same ratio while using it.

A motorist is suing Snapchat for offering a filter that shows how fast someone is driving while taking selfies that resulted in a 107 mph accident. Snapchat is now rethinking its new filter that counts how long it will take to be eaten after sneaking into the lion’s cage at the zoo.

The FBI says it is planning to keep the method they used to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone a secret. In other words, they have no idea what the hackers they hired actually did.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is auctioning off a lunch with him for charity, with the highest bid so far $125,000. Which is a bargain when you consider that is also the same going price  for anyone planning to buy into the next three iPhone upgrades.

A survey says that only 19% of Millennials support capitalism. Which isn’t hard to figure for a group where the other 81% will be paying off $100,000 in college loans for 40 years driving for Uber while stuck living in their parents’ basement.

The CDC says that most Americans drink the recommended amount of water each day. Of course, the reason for that is the study was done in Flint, Michigan where the recommended daily amount of water is zero.

The CDC says that most Americans drink the recommended amount of water each day. The only problem is that most of the water they consume is contained in the ice cubes they put in all the soda they are drinking.

A study says that night shift work may harm women’s health. Apparently the researchers didn’t realize when women say they were injured while “working the night shift” it usually means they were beat up by their pimp.

A study says that severe obesity in kids is on the rise in the U.S. The good news is that the rates of children running away from home has fallen exponentially since the kids are so overweight they usually get worn out before even getting around the block.

A study says that e-cigarette ads may lure teens to pick up the habit. The good news is that the research will result in all kinds of new jobs being created for advertising executives knowing how effective they are at their job.

A study says that e-cigarette ads may lure teens to pick up the habit. That may not be the only reason as there have been ads trying to get kids to eat well, exercise and stay in school and we see how well those have worked.

Scientists say they have witnessed a “flash of light” during conception between a sperm and egg. Whatever happened to the old custom of being considerate and leaving the lights off during intimacy?

Scientists say they have witnessed a “flash of light” during conception between a sperm and egg. Apparently it’s hard to read the map for directions on where to go when it is so dark down there.

A study says that listening to music may help babies learn language better. As long as they aren’t exposed to any songs sung by Ozzy Osbourne, Tom Petty or Bob Dylan.

Michael Strahan will be leaving “Live With Kelly and Michael” in May instead of the previously announced September. That way it will be easier for the show’s producers to only have to deal with one month of awkward dead air between the two cohosts.

A Belgian cyclist has been banned from riding for six years after being caught using a motorized bicycle. She would have gotten away with it if she had only remembered to install a muffler.

A Belgian cyclist has been banned from riding for six years after being caught using a motorized bicycle. Apparently she drew attention to herself when she showed up for the race wearing a helmet, boots and leather chaps.

A report says that several NFL team owners want to see Tom Brady’s suspension reduced. If he gets benched four games for deflating footballs, just think what will happen to all their players who are arrested for assault, armed robbery and murder.

A report says strongman “The Mountain” Hafthor Bjornsson eats 11 times a day, consuming 8.3 pounds of food. Or as most Americans call that, seconds at the Old Country Buffet.

The NHL has suspended Brayden Schenn for three games next season for an illegal hit.  He could have been given a much more severe punishment but fortunately you can’t deflate a hockey puck.

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has too much power. Goodell needs to be careful. With words like that, you never know when someone in the league will offer a bounty on him.

A Cubs fan explained why he rushed the field after Jake Arrieta’s no-hitter last week. Although everyone already came up with their own reasons for his behavior which all contained the words “idiot,” “moron” and “alcohol.”

Engineering students at BYU say they have created Artificial Intelligence that can beat some human players at Foosball. The only drawback is that most six year olds with only mild coordination can beat just about any engineering students at a game of Foosball.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich is sharing his strategy for the company in the wake of announcing plans to cut 12,000 people. It’s just unfortunate that he didn’t have some sort of plan before that might have prevented laying off 12,000 employees.

Researchers say dinosaurs made a large scale mass exodus out of Europe 100 Million years ago. Apparently it had to do with someone threatening to keep them from moving into other countries by building a wall.

The personal data of 1.1 Million people on the exclusive BeautifulPeople.com dating site has reportedly been leaked. That is terrible news and I just hope no one has been able to use it to get access to my credit card or Social Security number or home address.

The personal data of 1.1 Million people on the exclusive BeautifulPeople.com dating site has reportedly been leaked. The most harmful information leaked is that the people even thought about belonging to a dating site called BeautifulPeople.com.

Snapchat is fighting for the right of people to take selfies in the voting booth. Most people agree, if nothing else to find the people who can’t even stop taking selfies while they are casting a ballot and take their names off the voting rolls.

The Trump University fraud lawsuit is moving forward in court. Now all that needs to be done is addressing the fraud of The Trump Organization and the Trump for President campaign.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump may have sealed their nominations for President with primary wins on Tuesday. Now the decision is left to the American people. Do we move to Canada, Mexico or Europe? The good news is that no matter where you all flee, the Internet means you can still read this blog for all your joke needs every day. Mostly about whomever wins the election. Even better is the fact that no matter where you are you can still always take the time to make sure and remember to send the love!