Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A federal appeals court has reinstated Tom Brady’s four game suspension for “Deflategate.” The sad part about this is that the NFL has spent more time and money in court on that case than against any player accused of murder or domestic violence.

A federal appeals court has reinstated Tom Brady’s four game suspension for “Deflategate.” The good news is that by the time this case is over, a new President will be elected and we will have a full Supreme Court to be able to hear this landmark case.

A Chinese entrepreneur says that Apple is “outdated.” Although not as much as their customers who haven’t kept up with buying the latest model of iPhone as they come out every three weeks.

The U.S. government is looking to create a secure, self-destructing messaging app which deletes messages after a set amount of time. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “NOW they decide to make one.”

State officials in Hawaii are telling residents not to hate tourists. Apparently they want their people to instead take pity on the people who don’t have enough money to be able to afford to live in Hawaii.

A report says that overstimulation is causing boredom. The one cure for overstimulation  is reading reports about the possible causes of boredom.

Saudi Arabia has outlined a reform plan aimed at ending the country’s “addiction” to oil. The idea is during times like this where the demand for oil is down to subsidize the economy with the manufacturing of funny bumper stickers.

A report says that Kentucky has the most children who have at least one parent in jail. Although the kids don’t seem to mind, especially around Christmas or their birthdays when they always get sent a big box of cigarettes and chocolate bars.

A report says that Kentucky has the most children who have at least one parent in jail. The sad part is when department store Santas in Kentucky ask kids what they want most for Christmas and the answer is usually “parole for mommy and daddy.”

Large crowds have been gathering at a southern California beach where a dead whale washed up. Although it was just a little embarrassing when the people realized they were just watching Alec Baldwin sunbathing.

Large crowds have been gathering at a southern California beach where a dead whale washed up. Some people will do anything to save the $8 to buy a ticket to take a ride on a whale watching boat.

Johnny Manziel has reportedly been indicted for assaulting his former girlfriend. If convicted, he will go from wearing jersey number “2” to “9817832.”

Charter’s $55 Billion proposed takeover of Time Warner Cable is headed for approval by the FCC. The deal was made last year which means it could be decided before anyone calling either company at the same time would have actually gotten cable service.

BMW has announced a plan to let car owners rent out their vehicles like an “Airbnb on wheels.” Which means when they are returned, the owners will have to take them in for detailing to get rid of the left over beer cans, cigarette butts and condoms.

Dubai says it wants 25% of all trips on its roads made by driverless cars by 2030. Although Iran wants to lead the way even more with technology by announcing the goal of half of all its trips by 2030 made with driverless camels.

Kobe Bryant’s remarks about the Great Big Idaho Potato Truck may have saved the traveling advertisement from a premature retirement. Up until then, the only basketball star who would even mention it was Spud Webb.

Kobe Bryant’s remarks about the Great Big Idaho Potato Truck may have saved the traveling advertisement from a premature retirement. Kobe saw it while driving in his car one day, and was stuck behind it for miles because he doesn’t know how to pass.

Saudi Arabia wants to make half of its military purchases domestically as part of its plan to move its economy away from oil. Although once they are out of oil, they won’t need a military as no one will have a reason to invade them anymore.

Goldman Sachs is offering online savings accounts for people who have as little as $1 to deposit. Mostly for the people who have a dollar left to their name after losing the rest in the economic crash created by Goldman Sachs.

A study says that Airbnb hosts that are more attractive can demand higher prices for their rentals. Apparently researchers used old information compiled about how the success of the Shady Rest on “Petticoat Junction” was such a popular hotel because of Billie Jo, Bobby Jo and Betty Jo.

Researchers say department stores need to close hundreds of locations if they want to regain the productivity of the past decade. Or at least sell more of what Americans want to buy, which is anything larger than a size XXXXL.

“Saturday Night Live” is planning to reduce its advertisement load next year. Which is industry talk for nobody is buying commercial time with the show anymore.

“Saturday Night Live” is planning to reduce its advertisement load next year. Which is good news for viewers who will not only see fewer commercials, but with more time it increases the odds of the show coming up with one or two skits that are actually funny.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans prefer saving to spending. Which is about as useful as the same survey saying that that two thirds of Americans would also prefer to stop eating so much and not be morbidly obese.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans prefer saving to spending. The other one third are just hoping to be able to make the decision of whether to spend or save once they actually are able to have an income again.

A Swiss company is charging parents $29,000 to come up with the perfect name for their babies. Which is a lot of money to pay from a company based in a country where most of the babies end up being called “Heidi” or “Sven.”

A study says a high fat diet increases daytime sleepiness. Mostly for the morbidly obese people who need the extra time snoozing so they can dream about what they are going to have for dinner and dessert.

A study says that most Americans turn to prayer when dealing with an illness. Mostly praying that their health insurance company will pick up some of the cost of all their medical bills.

A study says that most Americans turn to prayer when dealing with an illness. Otherwise known as the official Republican alternative to Obamacare.

Michael Strahan says he is “excited” about Kelly Ripa returning to “Live!” after he announced he was leaving the show. The only question is that after being away from each other for a few days, what do you think they will have to talk about?

The San Diego Padres are denying they have been stealing the signs from other teams. Those charges would be easier to believe if the team wasn’t sitting in the division cellar with a 7-13 record.

The San Diego Padres are denying they have been stealing the signs from other teams.  Although with a team batting average of .238, the only sign the other team is giving their pitchers is to throw the ball to the catcher.

Tiger Woods has registered for the upcoming U.S. Open at Oakmont. Although he may have second thoughts as Jordan Spieth will be tough to beat on a course that doesn’t have any water hazards.

Tiger Woods has registered for the upcoming U.S. Open at Oakmont. Which is hard to believe as he skipped out on this year’s Masters because he needed a corporate exemption to even get a spot at the annual par three contest.

Donald Trump told a crowd of supporters that the NFL needs to leave Tom Brady alone. Mostly because even Tom Brady wouldn’t have any luck when it comes to trying to deflate Trump’s ego.

A town in Germany has embedded traffic lights into the sidewalk for people who text while walking. Which would probably be doing everyone a favor if they just left them always flashing “Walk.”

Two restaurants in China that used robots to make and serve food have shut down. Apparently there was never enough food available for the lunch hour as the robots were just too slow to catch any neighborhood dogs.

Two restaurants in China that used robots to make and serve food have shut down because of “incompetence.” Apparently people find it much more acceptable to be completely ignored by another human than a machine.

Two restaurants in China that used robots to make and serve food have shut down. One of the restaurants used robots to cook the ramen noodles they offered exclusively. Which means the diner may still have been in business if they thought to offer something other than ramen noodles.

Google is encouraging employees to come up with ideas for startups while on the job to keep from losing workers to other businesses. Although it is really just a cover to keep them from using all their time at work to post on Facebook and look at Internet porn.

A report says that Uber class action lawsuit settlements will net most drivers less than $24. Which amounts to about the same amount they make from tips in an average day without the black eye from being punched by a drunk rider.

An analyst says the new iPhone 7 won’t have “many attractive selling points.” Other than the only reason anyone will ever buy an iPhone 7, which is that they can show everyone how much cooler they are than the people still using an iPhone 6.

A British astronaut set the off-world record for running a marathon on the International Space Station a just over three and a half hours. Or he could have just gone for a space walk outside and at 17,000 mph covered the same distance in about five seconds.

The Department of Justice says it is worried that the Charter merger with TWC could threaten competition. Although if competition is the reason people have to wait three weeks for service to be billed $180 a month, they have nothing to worry about.

Facebook is reportedly developing a camera app. Because apparently there just aren’t enough people filling up the site with constant pictures of what they ate for breakfast and videos of their cats playing with a ball of yarn.

PayPal is defending an all-male gender equity panel. The company defends it, saying if they had any women in the group they couldn’t have named themselves the overwhelming favorite choice of the “Pay Pals.”

PayPal is defending an all-male gender equity panel. What’s worse is that the group’s motto so far is “Equal pay is for pals and not for gals.”

A golf course in Japan is delivering snacks and other items to golfers using drones. if it works out it could speed up play on the PGA Tour by being able to bring out a fresh dozen golf balls every time Jordan Spieth tees it up on a water hole.

Donald Trump complained that John Kasich is a “disgusting eater.” Which is pretty much a signal that Chris Christie should not get his hopes up to end up on the short list to be Trump’s running mate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Bernie Sanders is visiting my state of West Virginia today. He will be the first presidential hopeful to make a primary campaign trip to the WV since John Kennedy. Mostly because he is the only candidate running who was old enough to vote when Kennedy ran in 1960. It’s good to see West Virginia making the political landscape map for once. Take that, Idaho! Donald Trump was planning a visit but apparently we just don’t have enough National Guardsmen to be able to ensure any sort of crowd control. Fortunately, I can always count on you to be orderly and polite. Especially when you show your manners and make sure to remember to always send the love!

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