Sunday, April 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The remains of Prince were cremated and a private memorial service was held in his honor. He left behind an estate worth an estimated $300 Million. That makes him the wealthiest person with the title of Prince that wasn’t preceded by “Nigerian.”

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that one in five families has no one working. That will be taken care of as soon as Nike can build some factories here and convince Congress to drop the working age to seven.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that one in five families has no one working.  Mostly because there is nothing left as the other four families have everyone working three different jobs in order to make ends meet.

A judge is allowing a lawsuit to proceed against the psychologists who devised the CIA’s enhanced interrogation program, which is being called nothing less than torture. The psychologists are defending their actions, saying they were only mimicking the techniques they learned by watching “Dr. Phil.”

A reanimation firm is looking for ways to bring brain dead people back to life. Their first suggestion is to change the TV from the channel that is showing “The Kardashians.”

A reanimation firm is looking for ways to bring brain dead people back to life. To which John McCain and Larry King are saying “It’s been done.”

A reanimation firm is looking for ways to bring brain dead people back to life. Apparently they got the idea it could be done after seeing all the people flocking to the primary polling booths to vote for Donald Trump.

A cafe in Tokyo that is full of cats that can be petted by customers was closed after charges were filed for animal neglect. What’s worse is that the cats just seemed to disappear after it was reopened as a Korean restaurant.

A nude restaurant that will open soon in London already has a waiting list of 23,000. People are also lined up to apply to work there. The highest paying position will go to the person who has to clean off the seats after each meal.

A nude restaurant that will open soon in London already has a waiting list of 23,000. People want to eat there because without pockets or purses, it will be the one place they can go where everyone isn’t spending the entire meal looking at their cellphone.

A study says widows have less stress and frailty than women whose husbands are still alive. And everyone thought that Hillary Clinton was looking so tired and worn from her presidential campaign.

A study says that people who meditate have brains that average seven years younger than those who don’t. Mostly just for the fact that time meditating is time that isn’t spent in front of a TV, computer screen or cellphone.

A Minnesota auto repair shop reportedly gave its workers bonus payments in meth. Mostly because they found that the repairs got done 25 times faster than when they used to pay them off with bonuses of pot.

16 teenagers touring the Vatican were surprised with the chance to confess sins to the Pope. Although it was a bit awkward when the boys confessed their sins all happened when they visited the rectory where the priests live.

16 teenagers touring the Vatican were surprised with the chance to confess sins to the Pope. Although it ruined the trip for three of the teens when the Pope listened to their confessions and told them they were pretty much going to spend eternity in Hell.

President Obama told young people in London to reject “pessimism and cynicism.” Although the solution to that is a lot easier to advise young people in America how to do that by just changing the channel when the presidential debates come on.

A German minister has rejected a plan to raise the retirement age to 70. As opposed to the U.S. where retirement age for most people has been unofficially moved to “dead.”

U.S. soccer star Abby Wambach says she “could have done more” to fight pay inequity. People were surprised. Women soccer players in the U.S. get paid?

Cracker Jack candy will replace its traditional toy prize with a digital code for baseball themed mobile games. The sad part is that the prize actually had a higher nutritional content than anything else in the box.

Cracker Jack candy will replace its traditional toy prize with a digital code for baseball themed mobile games. The sad part is that anyone old enough to even know what Cracker Jack is can’t use the codes because they won’t work on their rotary phone.

Sears says it will close nearly 80 Sears and Kmart stores this summer. People were surprised at the news. There are 80 Sears and Kmart stores that are still open?

Sears says it will close nearly 80 Sears and Kmart stores this summer. People who still shop at those stores say they will have to make a last visit just as soon as they are able to finish buying all the things on their list at RadioShack.

A study says that living near nature is linked to longer lives. Although it is a pretty indirect connection meaning that anyone who has enough money to live close to the beach or a golf course is wealthy enough to actually be able to afford a health care plan.

A study says that heavy pot use as a teenager leads to a higher risk of death by age 60. Mostly from obesity, diabetes and heart disease after a life of eating nothing but pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

The CDC says that 1 in 8 U.S. workers has some hearing loss. Usually someone in upper management whenever any of the other workers comes in to ask for a raise.

The CDC says that 1 in 8 U.S. workers has some hearing loss. The other 7 will experience the same thing eventually since none of them will be able to afford to retire before age 96.

The FDA is proposing a ban on certain electrical stimulation devices. Which fortunately won’t affect the companies that find that electrical stimulation on their employees still works fine with the traditional cattle prod.

A report says the U.S. suicide rate is up 24% since 1999. What’s worse is the people who weren’t driven over the edge by the stock market crash or mortgage meltdown will probably be done in by whomever wins the upcoming presidential election.

A study says that retirement can help people lead healthier lives. What the study doesn’t point out is that so can winning the lottery which for most people has about the same odds of ever happening.

A study says that retirement can help people lead healthier lives. Mostly because at that point in most people’s lives it equates to no job, no kids, no stress.

A study says that Americans die younger than people in other high income countries because of drugs, guns and auto accidents. People were shocked at the news. The U.S. is still considered a high income country?

A study says that Americans die younger than people in other high income countries because of drugs, guns and auto accidents. Or as that is called by most high schoolers in Detroit, “Saturday date night.”

A Swedish film director is making a movie that will be 720 hours long. While theaters will lose money on the $8 admission, they will make up for it with the $5,000 moviegoers will be spending on popcorn, soda and everything else at the concession stand.

A Swedish film director is making a movie that will be 720 hours long. Although the film will still move along at a faster pace than anything ever made by Adam Sandler.

A report says that Tiger Woods may return to the PGA Tour at Quail Hollow in May. Apparently no matter how bad his injuries still are, he feels it can’t be that hard to win after watching Jordan Spieth on the 12th hole in the Masters.

Toronto Blue Jays 1st baseman Chris Colabello has been suspended for 80 games after testing positive for PEDs. Although he may want to think about trying to come back if even on steroids he could only start the season off batting 2 for 29.

Toronto Blue Jays 1st baseman Chris Colabello has been suspended for 80 games after testing positive for PEDs. The sad part is that by the time he gets back into the lineup the Blue Jays will probably already be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

A company is making chairs from the engines of 737s. While the 737 is not considered a wide body, the chairs are specifically designed for most Americans who are.

A company is making chairs from the engines of 737s. The worst part is that the people who buy the chairs out of habit of flying charge their guests a $7 fee to use them.

A company is making chairs from the engines of 737s. What’s bad is that people who sit in them and want to move to a different chair are charged a $25 seat reassignment fee.

Microsoft and Google have withdrawn mutual complaints against each other. Apparently they have settled their differences and given up on world domination, now being just satisfied with controlling half the money on the planet.

Uber drivers are planning to team up with the Teamsters Union for representation. The good news is Uber drivers in New York City alone will get all kinds of business from the Teamsters just in the rides they will be contracted to take to the East River.

A survey says most Millennials lack the money for a down payment on a house. Which doesn’t really matter since they also don’t have enough money to make a mortgage payment, buy any furniture or pay for any utilities once they move in.

A survey says most Millennials lack the money for a down payment on a house. It’s just too bad they can’t just buy the basement part of the home since that is the area they are used to living in for the last ten years at their parents’ house.

AT&T is offering a discounted $10 a month Internet service to low income households. The ironic part is that most households became low income after getting stuck with a wireless service contract with AT&T.

AT&T is offering a discounted $10 a month Internet service to low income households. Which isn’t such a great deal when you consider the movie they start to stream today will cost them $120 to watch by the time it completely downloads this time next year.

Republicans are accusing Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe of restoring voting rights to 200,000 convicted felons to help Hillary Clinton. Although anytime a politician helps out ex-cons it can always be explained away as professional courtesy.

Joe Biden would not say if he voted for Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders in the Delaware Democratic primary. Or he may have but no one had time to wait the entire time for him to actually finish answering the question.

President Obama urged diplomacy over force at a youth town hall meeting in London. Or in UK terms, the difference between British Open patrons and Scottish soccer hooligans.

Dixon Golf offered a discount on eco-friendly recyclable golf balls which don’t pollute rivers, lakes and forests to celebrate Earth Day. In fact, three species of wildlife and four major tributaries could have been saved if Jordan Spieth had used them just on the 12th hole at the Masters.

Navy Secretary Ray Mabus is defending the military’s ship naming process which recently named vessels after Carl Levin, Gabrielle Giffords and Cesar Chavez. Not to mention the next ship that is in line to be dedicated as the USS Boaty McBoatface.

Donald Trump told a crowd that if he was “100% presidential” there would only be 300 people attending instead of 10,000 and they would fall asleep in 20 minutes. In other words, his goal of making it to the RNC depend on being more like the WWE.

A survey says women are paying less attention to the 2016 presidential campaign than men. Which means the candidates have so far fallen short in their attempts to bring out the same amount of anger in everyone.


John Kasich says he is vetting possible vice presidential candidates. The only question everyone is asking is "For whom?"

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama told a group of young people that diplomacy should be considered ahead of force. However, that was before the split between Michael Strahan and Kelly Ripa. If The President can get those two talking again he will be up for his second Nobel Peace Prize. Now the word is out the whole thing was orchestrated by Regis and Kathie Lee who are ready to take back what they consider rightfully theirs. In the meantime, before this whole disaster can be solved the best thing you can do for world stability is to make sure to take the time and remember to always send the love!

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