Friday, April 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

MTV says it is planning a major return to music. To which anyone under 40 is saying “MTV used to play music?”

MTV says it is planning a major return to music. Apparently they have just been waiting the past 20 years for someone to make some music worth playing.

Rock legend Prince has died at age 57. He will now be known as “the artist who was formerly alive.”

Rock legend Prince has died at age 57. He was reportedly treated for a drug overdose just days before his death. So far the cause of death is being listed as being on one big party since it was 1999.

The Treasury will reportedly change the $5, $10 and $20 bills. Just in time for a generation that pays for everything with their cellphone and has no idea what cash is.

A report says some Republicans are complaining the Pennsylvania primary with uncommitted delegates will be a “beauty pageant.” Which is probably the last description anyone ever would have come up with a contest featuring Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and John Kasich.

Jobless claims have reportedly dropped to a 42 year low. No one had any idea that there were that many new 7-Elevens, GoMarts and One Stops that had just opened.

The British Monarchy has been valued at $84 Billion. Which shows that all those years of learning to dress up, wave at crowds and perform ribbon cuttings have finally paid off.

A study says that half of a person’s brain stays on high alert on the first night of sleeping in a new place. Mostly out of survival instinct to hear even the slightest noise that could hint that her husband has come home early.

A report says the number of 100 year olds in the world will grow by eight times over the next 35 years. Which means you have three and a half decades left of being annoyed by the 65 year old relative who is currently driving you crazy.

A report says the oldest dog in the world has died at age 30. The sad part is the dog was that close to completing the “fetch” command her owner gave her back in 2014.

A report says the oldest dog in the world has died at age 30. When it was pointed out the dog lived to 210 in dog years, Larry King said “Cut down in the prime of life.”

Saudi Arabia has reportedly come up with a $2 Trillion plan to get the country’s economy away from oil. The economy will be in great shape once they figure out a way to get the rest of the world interested in buying a whole bunch of sand.

Saudi Arabia has reportedly come up with a $2 Trillion plan to get the country’s economy away from oil. A better idea would be to just figure out how to stretch out the $2 Trillion because living in the middle of the desert already pretty much kills the idea of switching over to agriculture, property development or vacation resorts.

Saudi Arabia has reportedly come up with a $2 Trillion plan to get the country’s economy away from oil. So far the most popular idea is to divide the money between all the people to help them pay to move somewhere else.

Revelers at a 4/20 Day party in San Francisco reportedly left behind 10,000 pounds of trash. What was worse is that city employees breathing in the air after the event are expected to take up to three months to finish cleaning it up.

Paul Ryan says that he is a better Speaker of the House than John Boehner. Which is about the same as claiming to be a better quarterback and role model than Johnny Manziel.

A Florida teenager accused of impersonating a doctor has been offered a deal for three years in prison. He says that is no problem as he will use the time to figure out how to become a fake lawyer.

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 90th birthday this week. She also marked the occasion by commemorating her 90th year in retirement.

A report says that Aeropostale may file bankruptcy. It was too bad as they made so many cuts to try to stay in business, like never actually providing any clothes for their catalog models.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly considering a woman as her running mate. Apparently she wants to appeal more to the women’s vote, offer a fully diverse ticket and because Bill says it might be his one last chance at a threesome.

A lawsuit accuses Chipotle of misrepresenting that its food does not contain organisms that have been genetically modified. The restaurant chain denies the claims, insisting that all of its E.coli is strictly natural.

An all-naked restaurant is reportedly set to open soon in London. And you thought it was a nuisance when your waiter but their thumb in your soup.

An all-naked restaurant is reportedly set to open soon in London. The only problem is that the last people you want to see walking around naked are the ones standing in line at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

An all-naked restaurant is reportedly set to open soon in London. The worst part is when one of the diners mistakes his before meal heartburn medication for a Viagra.

A study says that popular drugs for colds and allergies are linked to a risk of dementia. The good news is that people taking the drugs at least eventually forget that they are being bothered by a cold or allergies.

A study says that kids gain less weight when their parents think they are normal size because they tend to stop nagging them. Which means for kids the trick is to always just be seen hanging around with friends who are morbidly obese.

A report says that the consumer electronics industry is moving in on the hearing aid business with products that are less expensive. To which a representative from the hearing aid industry said “What?”

A report says that the consumer electronics industry is moving in on the hearing aid business with products that are less expensive. Although both industries could be in trouble as after the presidential debate season more people are deciding it would be better to just go deaf.

Mariah Carey reportedly threw a lavish party where guests had to dress as their favorite version of Maria Carey through her career. Apparently the most popular was the easiest costume of a hospital gown and gurney for her days in the psychiatric ward.

Mariah Carey reportedly threw a lavish party where guests had to dress as their favorite version of Maria Carey through her career. The only problem was that several people who dressed as Carey in “Glitter” were denied access because no one at the party ever saw the movie.

Abolitionist Harriet Tubman is set to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It will be a real history lesson for Americans who with his being replaced as the face on a currency will at least now know something about Andrew Jackson.

Harriet Tubman is set to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. When told she was an abolitionist, Ted Cruz demanded she be taken out of consideration as he feels there should only be someone on our currency who is pro-life.

Time’s list of the 100 most influential people includes Mark Zuckerberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Caitlyn Jenner. Which is not to be confused with the list of the 100 people most under the influence headed by Lindsay Lohan, Paula Abdul and Charlie Sheen.

Time’s list of the 100 most influential people includes Mark Zuckerberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Caitlyn Jenner. Missing the list once again for the 30th year in a row is anyone from Time Magazine.

Tony Stewart has been fined $35,000 by NASCAR for a rant about loose wheels. Which is ironic that the rant comes from someone already missing so many ball bearings.

Adam Scott is being criticized for not competing in the upcoming golf competition at the Olympics. Apparently he doesn’t want to show up where even the equestrian team is calling him out for playing a “sissy sport.”

A Canadian high school basketball star is being suspected of being a 30 year old from Africa. Or as a 30 year old high school basketball player is called in Alabama, a “prodigy.”

Google honored the memory of Prince with a purple home page. Which was a much more tasteful display than anyone using Microsoft’s Edge who were given the usual blue screen of death.

The FBI director says the cost of breaking into the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone was $1.3 Million. Mostly because to get access to the phone they had to pick up the account’s early termination fee from AT&T.

Researchers at MIT used 4D maps to help robots navigate through moving obstacles. The research could be used in air traffic control, handling rush hour on freeways and more importantly for computer geeks, how to keep from being decimated at dodgeball.

A set of headphones made by Nobel is being sold for $1,600. They are so good they not only make for a great sound, but eliminate outside noise for the user like their wife screaming “You paid how much for those?!”

The former CEO of Pets.com has started a site called TheRealReal which sells used luxury fashion items. It’s for people who have expensive taste but can’t afford anything at full price after losing their life savings back in 2000 investing in Pets.com.

Scientists say they can make lithium-ion batteries that will last a lifetime. Which is true, even if they don’t work very long but are used to power someone’s pacemaker.

The latest lawnmower from Sears sends maintenance reminders to the owners’ smartphone. Along with tips on how to replace fingers that were cut off because the user tried to clear the mower blades from grass while it was still running.

San Francisco tops the list of the most expensive rental markets in the country with the median price of a one bedroom apartment going for $3,590 a month. Although for those looking for a bargain, a fairly new refrigerator box at Union Square can still be had for a little less than $2,000 a month.

Facebook has tweaked its news feed to show articles people are likely to spend more time reading. Which going by the 8 second attention span of most Facebook users, that means none of their news items will contain more than two sentences.

A survey says 68% of American women say they lose some sleep over money issues. The other 32% have never been married.

A survey says 68% of American women say they lose some sleep over money issues. Which is not a big deal since they are staying up late anyways waiting to clobber their husbands when they try to sneak in at 3:00 in the morning.

Scientists say they can explain the feeling of awe astronauts experience looking back at the Earth from above. Apparently it is mostly from the knowledge that when they come back they can go to their high school reunions and tell all the women who rejected them for a football player that they missed out on the chance to be with a real astronaut.

Donald Trump has scheduled a major foreign policy speech in Washington, D.C. next week. Apparently he wants to get in some practice before he is elected President at informing all the nations he is going to declare war against.

A survey says that 56% of Americans support Harriet Tubman’s picture being placed on the $20 bill. The other 44% prefer something more in line with the economy that would feature a hobo with his pockets turned inside out.

A survey says that 56% of Americans support Harriet Tubman’s picture being placed on the $20 bill. The other 44% say they would prefer a picture of Richard Nixon saying “It doesn’t look so bad now when I was President, does it?”

A survey says that 56% of Americans support Harriet Tubman’s picture being placed on the $20 bill. The other 44% are behind the families of Millard Fillmore, Chester A. Arthur and Franklin Pierce who are still saying “When is it going to be our turn?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s been a rough year for music, with the latest casualty being Prince who just died at age 57. He may have checked out early, but he wrote some great songs and was a  phenomenal guitar player. So what is giving up a few years when you have that on your bio? RIP to Prince, and here’s to hoping all the rest of you can find some time in your day to remember to make sure and send the love!

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