Thursday, April 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Harriet Tubman has been picked to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. The only problem is that most Americans won’t even know it as they haven’t had a $20 bill in their wallet since 2007.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager says the presidential election will be “about trust.” Which means this could be the first time we have ever had an election where nobody gets a single vote.

An art gallery in New Jersey was fined by city officials for placing a partially nude work in a display window. Isn’t this the same state that wasn’t quite so worried about public decency when they gave the rest of the country “Jersey Shore”?

A study says that using smartphones can make children cross-eyed, along with the risk of other injuries to the neck and thumbs from too much texting. Although the number one health risk from a cellphone is still being a personal assistant to Naomi Campbell.

Lawmakers say the Secret Service is running low on agents. Mostly because this election has so many angry voters that all the potential agents are afraid to be assigned to be the bodyguard of whomever becomes the next President.

Lawmakers say the Secret Service is running low on agents. Until they are able to fill the positions, they can always hire some actors wearing a three-piece suit, sunglasses and an earpiece to at least make it look like someone is guarding the President.

An advisory group says that press freedom is declining in a “new era of propaganda.” If they think the propaganda is out of control now, just wait until after the conventions when the airwaves will be full of nothing but political ads.

An advisory group says that press freedom is declining in a “new era of propaganda.” Which usually just means a change rotation of the hosts of prime time on Fox News.

A study says that loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of heart disease and stroke by 50%. The only question is does it count as being around others when they are ignoring everyone else and always just staring at their cellphone screen?

A study says that loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of heart disease and stroke by 50%. Although that doesn’t take into account the health benefits of not being annoyed by having to listen to other people talk about themselves all day.

A McDonald’s customer who dumped out a water cup and filled it with soda was arrested for robbery. Charges were pressed by the restaurant because this is exactly the same way the Hamburglar got his start.

Target says that customers can use the bathroom that “corresponds with their gender identity.” While Wal-Mart is still continuing their current policy of using their store bathrooms “at your own risk.”

Tennessee lawmakers have lost a bid to make the Bible the official state book. So for the time being that designation will by default go to the other book that is in the state library.

Tennessee lawmakers have lost a bid to make the Bible the official state book. Which means the designation will now go to the mandatory reading selection at the state capitol, “Government for Dummies.”

Tennessee lawmakers have lost a bid to make the Bible the official state book. So for now the designation will go to the previous book of choice, the Smith & Wesson mail order catalog.

Criminal charges have been filed over the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. The defendants aren’t worried. If the people who started the War in Iraq and the Wall Street meltdown got away with it, who is going to convict anyone for poisoning some water?

A British city council is asking for children as young as four to choose a gender identity. So far the two most common picks are “fireman” and “mommy.”

The creator of malware that drained people’s bank accounts was sentenced to nine years in federal prison. The bad part for the defendants was that cleaning out thousands of bank accounts in this economy got them a net of $27.30.

The creator of malware that drained people’s bank accounts was sentenced to nine years in federal prison. Which is not to be confused with legal software that is even more efficient at cleaning out people’s life savings. TurboTax.

A report says the new FBI Building in Washington, D.C. will not be named after former Director J. Edgar Hoover. Which is ironic in that it will be the first government building that will come with bathrooms built to accommodate transgenders.

A report says the new FBI Building in Washington, D.C. will not be named after former Director J. Edgar Hoover. It’s also a pretty safe bet it will not be named after Apple founder Steve Jobs.

A lawsuit is accusing American, Delta and United airlines of conspiring to raise prices. The airlines say there was no conspiracy at all. They just keep raising the prices because they know they can.

A lawsuit is accusing American, Delta and United airlines of conspiring to raise prices. Apparently there will be a second lawsuit over their conspiracy to give lousy service, be late on every flight and charge outrageous inflight fees.

An advocacy group says world leaders are paranoid of journalists. Mostly because they are constantly following the leaders around and letting everyone know about their complete dishonesty, incompetence and corruption.

An advocacy group says world leaders are paranoid of journalists. To which Republicans who appear regularly on Fox News are saying “What are they talking about?”

A study says global management consulting firm A.T. Kearny is the best paying company in the U.S. Which is ironic in that their business is to tell other countries how to take U.S. jobs which forces Americans to take whatever minimum wage jobs are left.

A study says global management consulting firm A.T. Kearny is the best paying company in the U.S. Which they achieved by paying their workers at least $16 an hour.

Visa is moving to speed up the time it takes for chip credit card transactions. Because American shoppers don’t want to waste time in the Wal-Mart checkout line when they could be putting that extra ten seconds to use putting in their order at the snack bar.

A report says that Canada is planning to legalize marijuana by 2017. The original plan was to have it legalized by 1973 but somehow the legislation just kept getting put off.

A study says that Los Angeles has the worst smog in the U.S. The only problem is determining if a person there is wheezing from the bad air or because they just opened their monthly mortgage statement.

A study says that Los Angeles has the worst air pollution in the U.S. Which explains why Dodger fans arrive so late and leave so early at games as it’s hard to find the stadium and their cars in the parking lot through all the smog.

A study says that commonly used drugs are tied to brain impairment. To which most people are saying “Isn’t that the point?”

Data says the life expectancy of white Americans dropped in 2014. Which is hard to believe since with all the obesity, diabetes and heart disease who still gives them much of a chance of making it past 50?

People Magazine has named 47 year old Jennifer Aniston as the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” for 2016. Kim Kardashian would have won, but fans of her family saw the vote split between her and Caitlyn Jenner.

People Magazine has named 47 year old Jennifer Aniston as the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” for 2016. Which means by Hollywood standards, she will now be the first actress considered for any roles playing the romantic interest of a man in his 80s.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly exploring becoming a Muslim. Which may finally be what it takes for liberals to adopt the term “Radical Islamic Jihadist.”

Patricia Arquette says she lost work from her Oscar speech calling for equal pay for women. Mostly because all the producers are offering her equal pay for most women outside Hollywood which is still $12 an hour.

Patricia Arquette says she lost work from her Oscar speech calling for equal pay for women. But mostly when her bio for winning the Oscar pointed out she is now over 40.

Major League Baseball is now requiring every team to have a Spanish language translator. Which baseball fans just wish for all those years that NBC and Fox would have done the same thing for viewers who had to listen to Tim McCarver.

A report says a new trend is for parents to pay branding experts to help pick a name for their child. Which apparently is a backlash to prevent them from doing like Gwyneth Paltrow and coming up with names like “Apple” and “Moses.”

A report says a new trend is for parents to pay branding experts to help pick a name for their child.  Which sounds like a good idea until you realize those are the people who chose the car names “Probe,” “Gremlin” and “Wizard.”

IT workers with EmblemHealth insurance protested being replaced by outsourced workers. The digitally savvy computer experts who are protesting are so mad that they actually sneered at people crossing their picket line.

Oakland will charge a developer fee to help pay for affordable housing. The sad part is that in Oakland, affordable housing is anything that starts out under $750,000.

Google says that Google.com is no longer dangerous from malware infections. At least that’s what they decided after looking it up on Google.

Google has filed a patent application for technology to read user’s vital signs and facial expressions. Which is strange as the only time those two ever have any connection is during a prostate exam.

A study says that voters following social media while watching debates on TV learn at a lower rate. Mostly the ones who are watching their cellphones and can’t decide if the winner of the debate was the cat playing a piano or the hamster eating a cracker.

The Sun-powered aircraft Solar Impulse 2 is resuming its around the world flight attempt after being grounded for the past nine months. The good news is with that kind of schedule, the technology is already being bid on by United Airlines.

What is being called the world’s oldest message in a bottle was found on a German island dating back 108 years. It came in just a bit older than the one written about sometime in the last century by Sting.

Google recorded 700,000 website breaches in a one year stretch through 2015. Mostly the ones by men who swear to their wives they have no idea how they accidentally got into those porn sites.

Digital music revenue passed those from CD and album sales for the first time last year. To which everyone under 40 is asking what are CDs and albums.

Digital music revenue passed those from CD and album sales for the first time last year. Which amounted to a whopping $34. 25 because of the three people who haven’t figured out yet how to swap files for free.

Researchers say the oldest chambered heart was found in a 113 Million year old fossil. The good news is that even though it has gone through seven heart attacks and several surgeries, Larry King says it is still ticking as strong as ever.

San Francisco will require solar panels to be placed on all new buildings. Which will be good for homeowners who will be able to use the $50 a month in electricity savings to offset the payments on their $5 Million mortgage.

The nominee for Librarian of Congress is getting a Senate hearing for possible confirmation. Apparently Senate Republicans figure if they start with librarians they should be able to work their way up to confirming Supreme Court nominees by 2085.

Donald Trump’s personal jet was grounded for having an expired registration. The sad news is that like his policy for anyone else who isn’t properly registered, the plane was immediately deported.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA playoffs have started. So we can talk about those when they actually mean something in another couple of months. Hockey playoffs are also underway but the fights are nowhere as violent and drawn out as the ones on the presidential campaign trail. Golf is in a lull until the U.S. Open in June. When does the curling season start up again? While we all wait for some sports news of importance comes up again, I hope you use the break in the action to make sure and remember to always send the love!

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