Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Blogger Eddie Trunk says that AC/DC frontman Brian Johnson was kicked out of the band for not wanting to work hard, not because of hearing loss. That’s a bit difficult to believe. How can you front AC/DC for 40 years and still even have any hearing?

Blogger Eddie Trunk says that AC/DC frontman Brian Johnson was kicked out of the band for his work ethic, not hearing loss. Even if true, he can’t be blamed at age 68. The band is so old that “rock n’ roll all night” means getting up at 3:00 AM to have to pee.

A report says that by 2025, two thirds of all transactions will be carried out by cellphones and not cash. The other one third will be involving seniors who are still using a flip phone and still have a VCR at home that constantly flashes “12:00.”

The Governor of Utah has signed a bill declaring pornography a health hazard. Which it really is there. Imagine how much worse it is to get caught watching Internet porn by all five wives instead of just one?

The Governor of Utah has signed a bill declaring pornography a health hazard. He warns that children can go into McDonald’s and get unfiltered Wi-Fi. Which is ironic as a much bigger health hazard is what the kids going to McDonald’s are eating.

A report says boycotting states because of social issues makes a dent in their local economy. Especially in the latest round of boycotts over anti-LGBT legislation. How much business does anyone do with North Carolina and Mississippi in the first place?

The U.N. says it is considering reviewing the course on the war on drugs. Mostly because the only thing that has failed more miserably is all the wars for oil.

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts learned sign language to swear in deaf lawyers. Which was easy to do considering how many times the Supreme Court has made decisions that give Americans the middle finger.

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts learned sign language to swear in deaf lawyers. It also came in handy when trying to communicate with Justice Clarence Thomas when he didn’t utter a word on the bench for more than ten years.

The founders of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream were arrested at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C. for protesting the amount of money in politics. They are finding out the hard way that the legal system can be a rocky road.

A report says that terrorists are plotting an attack this summer on European tourist beaches. Apparently they aren’t the only ones tired of going on vacation only to have it ruined by having the scenery ruined by a bunch of nearly naked sunbathing Germans.

Cameroon has burned more than 2,000 elephant tusks to combat wildlife poaching. It was the biggest “Tusk” burning since Fleetwood Mac came up with the idea of making an album featuring the USC marching band.

SUNY at Buffalo sent out more than 5,000 erroneous letters of acceptance. Fortunately, the school was able to correct the mistake and bring relief to all the students who were terrified about having to spend the next four years in Buffalo.

The FBI says it can’t unlock 13% of the password protected cellphones and devices it receives. The embarrassing part is most of those are the personal cellphones of agents who can’t remember where they wrote down their password.

Washington College in Maryland says it will pay off the final semester of student loans for graduating seniors. Which means that the students will now only have to work until they are 78 years old to pay off the rest of their college debt.

Washington College in Maryland says it will pay off the final semester of student loans for graduating seniors. The only problem is that the college could go broke unless they stipulate that the offer doesn’t include the credit card debt from students’ bar bills.

IBM has seen 16 straight quarters of losses and their worst revenue in 14 years. The company’s slide is being rumored to have more than a little to do with the announcement that Watson has voluntarily checked into rehab.

Former NFL star turned TV personality Michael Strahan is leaving “Live With Kelly and Michael” to go full time with “GMA.” To get Strahan, the ABC morning news show had to give up Lara Spencer, two producers and a photographer to be named later.

Former NFL star turned TV personality Michael Strahan is leaving “Live With Kelly and Michael” to go to “GMA.” The sad part is that right after the announcement, Regis Philbin showed up at the studio door with a sign saying “Will Work For Hip Surgery.”

A report says that HIV patients are living long enough to develop Alzheimer’s Disease. Well, isn’t that the news people with the AIDS related virus have been waiting to hear all these years?

A group of U.S. doctors is calling to combat climate change. The call went out when they realized how expensive it is to repair the air conditioning in an S-Class Mercedes.

A group of U.S. doctors is calling to combat climate change. They took the stand when they saw how much global warming is raising their country club dues because of all the additional golf course watering.

The CDC says it is investigating what age it is safe for kids to start to playing football. After looking at the careers of Ray Lewis, Aaron Hernandez and O.J. Simpson, the answer is pretty much “never.”

A study says that magic mushrooms may dull the pain of social rejection. Mostly when they avoid rejection by sharing their mushrooms with everyone else.

A report says that “super gonorrhea” may go global and become untreatable. The only ways to stop the disease from spreading around the planet are by using condoms, urging people to get tested and taking away Paris Hilton’s passport.

A study shows what happens in the brain to cause people to lose their train of thought. I thought I had a punchline lined up for this one but can’t seem to remember it right now...

A study shows what happens in the brain to cause people to lose their train of thought. Although for men it usually has to do with a woman in a short skirt bending over a few feet away.

A new book says a gap year of taking time off to travel between high school and college can be beneficial to students. Especially the ones who use the time to work four jobs to save enough money to keep them from going hopelessly in debt with tuition loans.

A new book says a gap year of taking time off to travel between high school and college can be beneficial to students. It’s especially enlightening to go to the other countries to see where the jobs went the students were hoping to get when they graduated college.

The FDA is launching a campaign to discourage rural teens from using chewing tobacco. They feel those kids should be more like urban teens who avoid tobacco and are more traditional by instead raiding their parents’ liquor cabinet and medicine chest.

A study says that end of life discussions are challenging for doctors. Especially when they look into their patients’ eyes and realize it’s just a matter of time before they won’t be able to bill their insurance company anymore.

A study says that end of life discussions are challenging for doctors. Although it is a little more comforting when they are able to truthfully tell them they are surprised they made it this far along.

A study says the new Nordic diet may be a good idea for people to follow. Apparently it has something to do with people on the diet not even wanting to look at food for weeks at a time after being served an order of lutefisk.

A lawsuit says a Georgia sperm donor lied on his profile about his criminal and mental health history. Apparently he made up the fabrications because he mistakenly thought he was filling out a form for a dating site.

Gwen Stefani has announced a tour with Eve. Although at first people were not sure if it was a concert they were buying tickets for or an infomercial about feminine hygiene products.

The Golden Globes says it is changing its rules to prevent some movies from wrongly being classified as comedies. Although it seems to be an industry wide problem as Adam Sandler has gotten away doing the same thing for years.

Prince William and Prince Harry visited the set of the next “Star Wars” movie in London. They have always been big fans since the original movie as it portrayed Princess Leia as a royal who actually did more than visit movie sets for photo ops.

David Hasselhoff has requested an end to alimony payments after paying his ex-wife $21,000 a month over ten years. It isn’t cheap having to call for maid service every time you get drunk and try to eat a hamburger that ends up all over the living room carpet.

David Hasselhoff has requested an end to alimony payments after paying his ex-wife $21,000 a month over ten years. People were surprised. What has David Hasselhoff been doing that gets him $21,000 a month?

James Franco says he doesn’t regret his disastrous attempt at hosting the Oscars. Which isn’t surprising since he still hasn’t apologized for making “The Interview.”

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 37th birthday in Iceland. The sad part is that she was disappointed in thinking Iceland was the name of the place where she always wanted to have a birthday party taking her friends ice skating.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 37th birthday in Iceland. How can you top that? It must mean that birthday number 38 will be spent somewhere in Albania.

Pat Boone says a recent skit on “Saturday Night Live” was “anti-Christian.” At least it was good to see that the one person who had obviously never watched an episode of “SNL” has finally gotten to see an episode.

A report says that Nike has dropped their endorsement with Johnny Manziel. Apparently Manziel violated the agreement which called for whenever he was arrested or going into rehab to be wearing Adidas.

The Boston Celtics were held to an NBA playoff record low 7 points in the first quarter in a game against the Atlanta Hawks. To which Kobe Bryant says they could have gotten an easy 20 points if they had just shot it 50 times.

The Boston Celtics were held to an NBA playoff record low 7 points in the first quarter in a game against the Atlanta Hawks. Although an Atlanta crowd thought it was pretty good and hoped some day they could see the Falcons also get 7 points in a quarter.

Johnny Manziel says he hopes to take care of his issues and be ready to play in 2016. Apparently he doesn’t understand the biggest issue he has is that none of the teams in the league want to have anything to do with him.

A new medicine tracking system called the Pill Drill remembers when people are supposed to take their pills. Which will mostly be for the depression and anxiety prescriptions they need once they realize they paid $199 for an alarm clock.

Scientists have been able to analyze and explain Freddie Mercury’s distinct singing voice. They say he was “rather skillful in adapting his laryngeal configuration to musical needs, thus exhibiting a great variability of sound timbres for enhanced musical expression.” Which is nerd talk for saying “He rocked!”

Former “The Apprentice” contestant Omarosa says that Donald Trump has a “diverse group of supporters.” She is right. He is supported by angry white people, angry blacks, angry Asians, angry Hispanics...

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The New York primaries are over and the winners were Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. People were amazed. New Yorkers aren’t used to there still being a race going on by the time they get to vote. It’s just the opposite of 2000 when we all were able to vote but the Supreme Court got to jump in and make the actual decision. This could be an interesting election year. Mostly for the people who need to decide depending on who wins whether they will be moving to Canada or Central America. As for me, I’m not going anywhere. Sort of like my joke writing career. I will keep punching them out and all you ever have to do to keep me going is to make sure to remember once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

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