Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ted Cruz has won the last five primaries, four of which were held with no election by the voters. Apparently the Republicans have finally found a way to pick a candidate who nobody can stand to vote for.

A report says that the number of companies defaulting on their debt is the highest since 2009. Apparently business is mirroring politics by adopting the Donald Trump business model of using other people’s money as long as possible before declaring bankruptcy.

A report says that 45% of Americans are paying no income tax. The other 55% don’t seem to mind as much when it is pointed out the reason they are paying taxes is because they are still the ones who actually have an income.

A report says that 45% of Americans are paying no income tax. Which the Republicans are complaining about yet you would think they would be taking credit for keeping their promise of reducing people’s taxes.

Earthquakes in Japan may disrupt production of some components of iPhones that are built there. Which is ironic in that it usually takes at least the force of an earthquake to finally knock the iPhone out of the hands of the teenagers using them.

Earthquakes in Japan may disrupt production of some components of iPhones that are built there. Not because of damage to the factories, but because all the workers took off with their iPhones to take pictures and send tweets about the quake.

A report says that much of the scientific research that is published today is false. Mostly so the next group of scientists can put in for additional grant money to disprove the first.

A report says that much of the scientific research that is published today is false. Although it isn’t sure exactly who did the report and how they compiled and checked their information.

A study says that DNA can be used to determine at what age people will first have sex. For instance, people living in Alabama can pretty much figure it will be right around the time they start going out with their cousins.

A study says that DNA can be used to determine at what age people will first have sex. Although for girls it may be too late if there are 15 or more samples of DNA that are taken from their underwear.

A study says that DNA can be used to determine at what age people will first have sex. The idea came from when investigators knew Monica Lewinsky was having sex when they found DNA all over her blue polka dot dress.

The Disney fairy tale show “Once Upon a Time” has revealed a gay story line. Which shows how old the Disney writers are who thought that’s what the term “fairy tale” still meant.

A poll says that only 6% of Americans still trust the media. Which is still pretty good considering the much smaller number who still trust the banks, businesses and politicians.

Severe flooding resulted in 900 water rescues in the Houston area. When people complained their homes are underwater the people who still have subprime loans from Wells Fargo said “Tell us about it.”

The British government says it won’t use Internet contest winner “Boaty McBoatface” for a new research vessel. Builders were insulted as the size of the craft alone disqualified the proposed moniker and will instead use the more suitable “Shippy McShipbutt.”

The British government says it won’t use Internet contest winner “Boaty McBoatface” for a new research vessel. Mostly because the ship is English and they don’t want to give it the name “McBoatface” which clearly has Scottish roots.

China has banned children from taking part in any reality TV shows. Officials say they want to stop the manufacturing of child stars. Also because it’s hard to adjust the scheduling with their 16 hour work day at the Nike factory.

Disney says its parks will soon use only cage free eggs. Which will come as good news about  the treatment of chickens for park goers who know how they feel after standing in line for three hours in the heat and humidity to finally get to ride “It’s a Small World.”

A study says that fewer Americans are ditching home Internet connections in favor of mobile data only. That way they can stay online playing video games when they have to finally get up off the couch to get to the kitchen to get another bag of chips and a Coke.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew is expected to keep Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill and instead replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with a woman. Apparently it comes down to the success of the Broadway show “Hamilton” which shows the way to keep your picture on a piece of currency is to also have it displayed on a playbill.

ABC TV President Ben Sherwood says the network’s diverse programming reflects their audience. CBS is also getting into more diverse programming which will be different than its audience in that some of their prime time stars will actually be under 75.

A report says that Americans are keeping their cellphones longer. Mostly because the ones who want to buy the new iPhone 7 had to start saving five years ago when they finally were able to pay off their current iPhone 4.

A report says that Americans are keeping their cellphones longer. Mostly because they haven’t been able put their current cellphone down long enough in the past five years to see that there are actually some newer models for sale.

A waitress in Texas got a $1,000 tip on a $9 order from a customer who wanted to help her pay for college. Either that or the customer needs to go back to school themselves to learn the correct way to figure 20% of $9.

PepsiCo is warning that the global economy is weakening. The only problem is their solution to anything that goes flat is just to inject it with more CO2.

PepsiCo is warning that the global economy is weakening. How bad are things getting when a soft drink company is noticing that nobody has any money?

PepsiCo is warning that the global economy is weakening. Fortunately, the economy can be saved with all the money being put into health care to treat the people who are obese and diabetic with heart disease from drinking too much soda.

Led Zeppelin will face a jury trial over a lawsuit claiming they stole the opening riff for “Stairway To Heaven” from the group Spirit. The song in question is called “Taurus,” to which Jimmy Page and Robert Plant say the idea they stole that song is a bunch of bull.

Led Zeppelin will face a jury trial over a lawsuit claiming they stole the opening riff for “Stairway To Heaven” from the group Spirit. Although people are more interested in what drugs Spirit was taking to take them 40 years to realize they were ripped off.

A poll says that half the U.S. is confident in President Obama’s economic leadership. The other half are Republicans.

A new blood test that detects asthma may be in the works. The only problem is determining if the difficulty breathing is from asthma or from the patient looking at the bill for the lab work.

A study says that exercise may boost the rate of survival of prostate cancer. Especially for men who work and are able to bend over enough to take the exam.

A study says it is common for heart attack survivors to develop depression. Especially after they recover and get to go home right when the cardiologist bills start piling up.

A record number of Americans underwent the new plastic surgery procedure of lip augmentation. Apparently it was for those who want to be like Donald Trump and be able to give everyone else some more lip.

Chris Brown says he thought of committing suicide after assaulting Rihanna in 2009. To which most people are telling him that it still isn’t too late to go through with it.

Chris Brown says he thought of committing suicide from all the fallout after his assault of Rihanna in 2009. Oh, yeah. He also heard through the grapevine it may have caused her some problems, too but what about him?

Mariah Carey’s wedding will be featured on her reality show “Mariah’s World.” Which sounds like such a good idea, just like the one between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries that made it a whole 72 days.

Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose will officially take over for Brian Johnson to finish the current AC/DC tour. Which makes sense to take on a guy named Axl who will inevitably become the band’s fifth wheel.

White Stripe guitarist Jack White is investing in Warstic, a baseball bat manufacturer. Because there is no better endorsement than a rock star to show which is the best equipment when it comes to to shattering lamps while trashing a hotel room.

Ethiopian runners swept the men’s and women’s titles at the Boston Marathon. In a related story, since Tiger Woods has taken a break from the PGA Tour a bunch of white guys have won all the golf tournaments.

NASCAR will discuss lug nuts and loose wheels in a monthly meeting with driving teams. But enough about Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart.

Blood test company Theranos is reportedly under federal investigation. Apparently the probe will be carried out by the IRS because they know better than anyone when it comes to squeezing someone for their last drop of blood.

Scientists have tweaked a gene to make mice stutter. Apparently it’s easier to get rid of them when can’t warn other mice about an approaching cat because they are stammering while trying to squeak.

Mark Zuckerberg said in a 2005 interview he didn’t expect Facebook to grow beyond colleges. Fortunately for him, after 2008 millions of people out of school had plenty of time to stay on the site all day after the economic crash put them out of work.

Fans are suing Kanye West saying they were tricked into signing up with Tidal thinking it had exclusive rights to his songs. The more important question is how did Kanye trick millions of people into actually buying to any of his records?

A LinkedIn app is aimed at helping college graduates find jobs. Which hopefully will have as much success as the three people who actually found jobs using the LinkedIn website.

Rental sharing site Airbnb is in talks to urge hosts to use $15 an hour cleaning crews. Except in the case where Johnny Manziel rents their home and they need to hire $125 an hour union carpenters, plumbers and electricians to repair all the damage.

Historians say they have found the living relatives of Leonardo da Vinci. When people found out they may know the family of Leonardo, most people who grew up in the 1990s are asking what about the other Ninja Turtles.

Historians say they have found the living relatives of Leonardo da Vinci. To which most people say that is nice but they would rather find out they are a relative of Leonardo DiCaprio.

Historians say they have found the living relatives of Leonardo da Vinci. Apparently all they had to do was go through the address book of John McCain who used to play with Leonardo when they were kids.

Historians say they have found the living relatives of Leonardo da Vinci. The method they used was to search for those with his artistic gene, which was done by hunting down the people who turned in the best matchbook drawings of Timmy the Turtle.

A report says that iPhone sales have dropped 44% this quarter. Apparently people figure if even the FBI can crack the security system, it may be time to start looking at some other models.

Donald Trump gave a speech where he confused 9/11 with 7-Eleven. Which means if he is elected President, police will have shoot on sight orders for anyone they see carrying a Slurpee cup.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the New York Primary. Other states have picked their delegates without even giving the people a say at the voting booth. That would never happen in New York where they cast votes every day, mostly with their middle finger. All I ask is that once in awhile you cast your vote for which topical humor blog you like the best (pick me! pick me!). Of course, you can do that any time by just remembering once in awhile to make sure and always send the love!

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