Sunday, April 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bernie Sanders made a trip to the Vatican where he called for a “moral economy.” To which Wall Street bankers are saying isn’t that phrase an oxymoron?

A report says the top 20% income earners in California are paying 90% of the state’s income taxes. Mostly because the other 80% of the people are the undocumented immigrants who do all their work and get paid 10% of the income.

A man in Athens, Greece was arrested after using a can of flatulence spray to stink up a bar. Apparently he had ordered some food there and wanted to pretend he was eating at a Taco Bell.

The 17th annual “White Privilege Conference” was held over the weekend in Philadelphia. Which was actually just an alternative for the people who can’t go to the real one later this year in Cleveland at the Republican National Convention.

Some local GOP districts in Texas are calling for a vote for secession. To which most Americans are good with as long as it becomes a package deal and they take Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama with them.

College professors are complaining their students are struggling to finish reading the textbooks they are assigned in class. To which the students say the only reason they use the books is to prop them up to hide the cellphones they are using during class.

College professors are complaining their students are struggling to finish reading the textbooks they are assigned in class. Students say they aren’t given enough time, and that they can’t be expected to go cover to cover on a book in just four years.

College professors are complaining their students are struggling to finish reading the textbooks they are assigned in class. Whatever happened to the old days when students could just go pick up an edition of CliffsNotes?

Document leaker Edward Snowden has teamed with an electronic musician to record a song. Apparently the track consists of the musician playing several instruments to accompany Snowden while he is heard blowing a whistle.

A new smart mattress lets women know if their husbands are cheating on them. Although women can use their current mattress for the same thing, especially if their husband’s side of the bed hasn’t been used for the past three months.

Pope Francis I told migrants in a detention camp in Greece they are “not alone.” To which the migrants told the Pope they would actually not mind some alone time after spending the past year with 3,000 of their closest friends sharing two bathrooms.

A snowstorm canceled 700 flights out of Denver over the weekend. Or as United Airlines calls that, their weekend schedule in Denver.

A Massachusetts man is fighting to have the $250,000 in loans erased he took out to put his kids through college. Apparently it is just too hard for his kids to pay him back with the money they are making from the jobs at 7-Eleven they got with their degrees.

A Massachusetts man is fighting to have the $250,000 in loans he took out to put his kids through college erased. Which is what happens when you loan someone money to put his kids through law school so they can file the lawsuit for him when they graduate.

A property owner in Tennessee has upset neighbors by flying a Nazi flag. Apparently the store he went to was all out of Donald Trump for President banners.

The U.S. government has banned travel by employees to Acapulco because of security reasons. Which means all our top government workers will instead have to be sent to do all their routine work in Maui, Monaco on the French Riviera.

Jamaica is considering ousting Queen Elizabeth II as their official head of state. Apparently she offended the people there by not ending any of her sentences with “mon.”

Jamaica is considering ousting Queen Elizabeth II as their official head of state. Although the Queen is reportedly trying to patch up differences with the people by making her next several appearance sporting dreadlocks.

A report says that 47% of high school graduates are not prepared for college. Which means the other 53% have been forewarned about what it will be like to be paying off their tuition loans for the next 40 years.

A report says that 47% of high school graduates are not prepared for college. The other 53% don’t need to be since they are planning on getting in on an athletic scholarship.

A report says that sales of vinyl records are at a 28 year high. Mostly because 1988 was the last year any decent songs came out.

A report says that sales of vinyl records are at a 28 year high. The only problem people are having is trying to figure out how to load them into their CD player.

Long lines are predicted at airport security checkpoints this summer because of TSA cutbacks. With only half as many workers around, it will take twice the time just to make copies for everyone else of all the pictures taken at the naked body scanners.

Long lines are predicted at airport security checkpoints this summer because of TSA cutbacks. The good news is that for anyone flying on United, the extra hour in line means only two hours of being stuck on the plane while it waits on the tarmac.

CBS CEO Les Moonves saw his pay cut last year to $56.8 Million. If his paycheck gets cut any further, he can always just come up with yet another show he can have hosted by his wife Julie Chen.

CBS CEO Les Moonves saw his pay cut last year to $56.8 Million. Which is OK because like most CBS viewers he can make up the difference with his income being supplemented by Social Security.

Consumer ratings business J.D. Power has been sold for $1.1 Billion. The sale was made after it was rated as the greatest deal in history by J.D. Power.

AMC Theaters says it will not allow texting during movies in the foreseeable future. Although it was a little awkward when the theater chain sent out the announcement with a text message.

The Czech Republic is considering changing its name to Czechia. The only problem is it could run into a trademark issue the U.S. pizza restaurant chain that in Europe goes by “Czechia E. Cheese.”

Mars says it will put labels on its pasta sauces suggesting people eat them only once a week because of the amount of sugar, fat or salt. How bad are those when a health warning is put out by the company that makes M&Ms, Snickers and 3 Musketeers?

A survey says that 61% of Americans feel the top income earners pay too little in taxes. The other 39% are asking “What’s an income?”

A survey says that 61% of Americans feel the top income earners pay too little in taxes. To which the wealthy say it would be a devastating blow to the economy if they had to lay off all the people whose job it is to find ways for them to pay less in taxes.

A village in Italy is made up of a population where a third of the people are over 100. The town’s main source of employment is all the car mechanics who keep replacing the turn signals that burn out from being left on all the time while driving.

A village in Italy is made up of a population where a third of the people are over 100. The other two thirds say the secret of longevity is learning to be patient while waiting on all the old people anytime they get stuck behind them in the line at the supermarket.

A study says that a person’s happiness is tied to the amount of money they have in their checking account. Which now makes sense as to why they call what is currently going on with the economy as a depression.

A study says that a person’s happiness is tied to the amount of money they have in their checking account. Which is why no one ever picks the smiley face to be the background design on their checks.

A study says that a person’s happiness is tied to the amount of money they have in their checking account. Mostly because when they have enough money in their account they don’t have to worry about those insane $35 bank fees for writing an overdraft.

Pamela Anderson is trying her hand at standup comedy. The only problem is that she has to build a whole new audience as no one recognizes her with her clothes on.

Pamela Anderson is trying her hand at standup comedy. Apparently all her material is based on her wondering why she never won an Emmy for her acting on “Baywatch.”

Paul Stanley was unable to make a KISS benefit performance because of shoulder surgery. Not to say the rocker is getting older, but he now wears the makeup mostly to cover up all his liver spots.

Paul Stanley was unable to make a KISS benefit performance because of shoulder surgery. Not to say the rocker is getting older, but he has changed the lyrics of their anthem to “I want to rock and roll until about 3:30 and then get over to Carrows in time for the Early Bird Special.”

Former “The Bachelor” contestant Olivia Caridi says she considered suicide after the show. Which means she figured if she couldn’t get the guy to give her a rose, at least she could end up with a nice funeral arrangement.

Singer Meghan Trainor says men are not asking her out ever since she became a pop star. Apparently men lost interest when they saw that the title of her latest song is “No.”

Singer Meghan Trainor says men are not asking her out ever since she became a pop star. The way she can get them back is to convince them that “All About That Bass” is a song about fishing.

Organizers of the Coachella Festival say they want to put on a show featuring Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and The Who. The only problem will be finding a venue to hold that many performers and fans who all need handicap access.

Organizers of the Coachella Festival say they want to put on a show featuring Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and The Who. The only problem will be scheduling to allow four hours for fans to take their seats and still get home in time to make it to the Early Bird Special.

The Braves and Twins both finally won their first games of the baseball season after starting 0-9. The sad part is when the team statisticians are already thinking the mathematical elimination date could arrive before the All-Star break.

Byron Scott says he “absolutely expects” to be the Lakers coach next year after finishing this season 17-65. The hardest part will be now that Kobe Bryant is gone he will have to coach five players instead of one.

A report says that Johnny Manziel and friends trashed a $4.5 Million rental house in Los Angeles. People are concerned for his welfare. How far has he sunk where he has to stay in an L.A. neighborhood so bad the homes are worth only $4.5 Million?

A report says that Johnny Manziel and friends trashed a $4.5 Million rental house in Los Angeles. Apparently he trashed the house because he was getting homesick and wanted it to look like he was still living in Cleveland.

A report says that Johnny Manziel and friends trashed a $4.5 Million rental house in Los Angeles after a police report was filed by neighbor Kathy Griffin. People were shocked. How does Kathy Griffin afford to live in a neighborhood with homes worth $4.5 Million?

A company is offering to clean up people’s online reputations for a fee of $6,300. The reason they can charge so much is because they are getting requests from all kinds of wealthy Nigerian princes.

The founder of eBay has reportedly donated $100,000 to a PAC against Donald Trump. In order to come up with the money he had to use the proceeds from the recent sales of three pieces of Jesus toast.

Dolce and Gabbana is selling art covered refrigerators for $34,000. Apparently they got the idea when they visited the White House saw how Laura Bush posted the drawings of George W. Bush.

Dolce and Gabbana is selling art covered refrigerators for $34,000. The sad part is that after spending $34,000 on a refrigerator, all the people can afford to put in them is a carton of milk, dozen eggs and a bottle of lemon juice.

Facebook says it wont use an algorithm to influence votes in November. Although it wouldn’t be that hard for them to sway some votes if without even trying they manage to get 5 Million people to hit “like” on a video of a cat playing a piano.

GM has recalled 1 Million pickup trucks because of seatbelt problems. People were surprised at the news. There are a million pickup truck drivers who wear their seatbelt?

Fox News commentator Charles Krauthammer says “somebody is going to have to take a haircut” over the Puerto Rico debt crisis. Which is nothing like the debt crisis that will be created if we elect as President the haircut known as Donald Trump.

Bill Clinton says that Bernie Sanders’ supporters would “shoot every third person on Wall Street.” Which would be fine with him as long as the other two were still around to write contribution checks to Hillary’s campaign.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Monday is tax day. Which is no problem with this blog as it furnishes me with exactly no income. I never ask you for anything which for one thing saves a lot of frustration on my part. Except right around this time of year when I put up a donation request for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation on behalf of the memory of my late wife Karen. I will be doing that soon and I hope you will all open your wallets this year for the cause. It will be the only time I ever hope for a contribution other than for you to as usual remember to always send the love!