Friday, April 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that being a newspaper reporter is the worst job in America. Just think how the reporter covering that story must have felt.

A report says that being a newspaper reporter is the worst job in America. Especially the ones who have been assigned to exclusively cover the Donald Trump campaign.

A report says that being a newspaper reporter is the worst job in America. It’s getting so bad that new job positions at newspapers are now being posted in the obituary section.

Deception experts analyzed Paul Ryan’s speech to see if he was being honest about not running for President. People were skeptical of the report. Why would a politician pick a moment like that to finally start telling the truth?

A report says more women are considering their marriages a “convenience” and allowing their husbands to cheat. Apparently women figure it might not be such a bad way of thinking if it gets Hillary Clinton all the way to the White House.

A UK man reportedly deleted his entire company with one line of bad code on his computer. The only more expensive mistake involving computers was for all the men who lost half of what they own when their wives figured out their Facebook password.

A UK court ruled a woman can’t name her daughter “Cyanide.” Apparently the woman will now have to go with her second choice of “Chipotle.”

A UK court ruled a woman can’t name her daughter “Cyanide.” Apparently the court felt it was time to do their duty after failing to intervene and allowing Gwyneth Paltrow’s kids to go through life being known as “Apple” and “Moses.”

Canada is considering a doctor assisted suicide bill that would exclude tourists from taking part. Although it could be a costly move for their tourism industry as what other reason would anyone ever consider vacationing in Canada?

Canada is considering a doctor assisted suicide bill that would exclude tourists from taking part. Although any Americans wishing to die can stop well short of the Canadian border and just make a trip to Detroit.

A new count says that 85 Million unrecalled Takata airbags are still inside U.S. vehicles. Up until now, the biggest recall for airbags was always reserved for election day.

A report says that thieves are targeting California almond and walnut crops. Authorities say they are working on it, but so far it has been a tough case to crack.

A report says that thieves are targeting California almond and walnut crops. Growers say if they had to do it over again they would have picked crops that were completely safe from being stolen, like broccoli, cauliflower and cabbage.

A glitch on a stock trading app made users think their accounts lost 80-100% of their value. Which was only actually true for the ones who had invested their money in Chipotle.

Delta Airlines has stopped charging extra for people buying seats offline. Apparently they felt it was punishment enough buying over the phone or at the airport and actually having to deal with an airline customer service agent in person.

A report says that Americans are paying less for groceries in the wake of a global glut of crops. Which is good news for the three Americans who still actually go to the store to buy anything that doesn’t come in a box, can or plastic wrapper.

A report says that Chipotle has lost three years of earnings over its food scare. Which is about the amount of time it will take for the people who were sickened with E.coli to get the taste out of their mouth to come back.

Chipotle says it expects its first ever quarter loss of more than $30 Million. The restaurant chain is hemorrhaging more than a customer who just finished off an entire chicken and pork burrito.

The CEO of AMC Theaters says the chain is considering allowing texting during movies. Mostly for Millennials who need to communicate but haven’t used any other method since they were 12.

The CEO of AMC Theaters says the chain is considering allowing texting during movies. Mostly so they can start to claim that any movie theater massacres are justifiable shootings.

The CEO of AMC Theaters says the chain is considering allowing texting during movies. The biggest reason is as a favor to moviegoers at the latest Adam Sandler film who want to warn their friends before they throw away $8 and 90 minutes of their lives.

The CEO of AMC Theaters says the chain is considering allowing texting during movies. Mostly because people honor “no texting” rules like they do the signs that say “Keep off the grass,” “No Parking” and “15 Items or Less.”

A report says that Mexico City is choking through its worst smog in 14 years. Mostly as a way to get the people accustomed to what it will be like when they finally sneak across the border and make it to L.A.

A survey says the economy and government are the top problems listed by Americans. Which is not really news since those same two answers have topped the list in every survey since 1924.

Microsoft is suing the government over the right to tell users when federal agencies want to access their private data. The government wants to keep it secret to avoid the embarrassment of the FBI obtaining a warrant and then having to ask someone how to actually get the information.

Microsoft is suing the government over the right to tell users when federal agencies want to access their e-mails. Which is a huge privacy issue for the three people who still actually use e-mail.

The President of the World Bank is lamenting the weak state of the global economy. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have access to some kind of institution that could provide sound loans and financial advice to the countries that are continuing to struggle.

A Florida woman has a condition that actually makes her allergic to her own sweat and tears. Which is ironic in that the worst time for her is when she gets her monthly medical and prescription bills from her allergist.

Researchers say that chemicals in sunscreen can weaken men’s sperm. The problem is who is going to want to date any men who avoid sunscreen and end up with wrinkled skin that looks like leather by the time they are 30?

Researchers in England say that insects compare favorably to beef, chicken and pork meat when it comes to nutrition. For people who have trouble making a choice between them, they can just have them all mixed in together when they eat at Taco Bell.

A study says that fewer men are smoking, and fewer men are dying from prostate cancer. Which means that for all those years there were men who were holding their cigarettes in completely the wrong place.

A study says that prescription drug prices will go up by nearly 50% by 2020. To which most patients who have paid for prescriptions over the past ten years are saying “What’s the catch?”

A study says that teen obesity may increase the risk of death in middle age. Which means that for overweight people, the teen years are pretty much middle age.

88 students at the University of Rochester were infected with the Norovirus. That’s the last time the school holds a seminar for the hospitality undergraduates hosted by Chipotle and Carnival Cruise Lines.

An Australian man says he has lost 70 pounds in 100 days by eating nothing but potatoes. Mostly for the fact that after about a week of being allowed only potatoes or nothing, the choice is usually nothing.

British surgeons lived streamed an operation for the first time using a 360 degree camera. How fat have we gotten that doctors need a panoramic lens to be able to see all the way around to the other side of the patient they are operating on?

A report says that Americans spent about 8.5% more on prescription drugs in 2015. Which was actually pretty good considering the curve was thrown off a bit when Martin Shkreli raised that one AIDS drug by 5,000%.

James Cameron says he will make four sequels to the movie “Avatar.” Mostly because he really screwed himself out of making any sequels when he decided to make his biggest blockbuster about the Titanic.

James Cameron says he will make four sequels to the movie “Avatar.” Even “Star Wars” fans are asking if that isn’t just stretching the franchise out a bit too much.

Jennifer Lopez says that women in entertainment are valued less than men. Which is sad to see someone who could have really been wealthy as a man instead of having to live on the $300 Million net worth she had to settle for as a woman.

Jennifer Lopez says that women in entertainment are valued less than men. Which isn’t true. Ben Affleck had to work a lot harder than she did to overcome the hit to their careers from the decision to make “Gigli.”

Jennifer Lopez says that women in entertainment are valued less than men. She claims that if she were a man, instead of being “from the block” she would have had at least a square mile.

Rihanna says she is planning to launch a diverse makeup line. Apparently it features products to cover black eyes, bruises and welts for any women dating Chris Brown.

Taylor Swift says she will take some time off to learn “how to be a normal person” and learn things like CPR. Which is ironic for someone who probably doesn’t need it with a heart that is used to getting broken every other week.

Katy Perry is getting close to buying a former convent in Los Angeles. She was going to buy a home in Malibu but opted out of living near the beach and being constantly hounded by the left shark.

Several former contestants on “The Apprentice” are taking a stand against Donald Trump’s run for President, saying he is running a campaign of “sexism, xenophobia and racism.” Which apparently are undesirable qualities in the head of a country but fine if you just want to get on TV and have him hire you for a large salary.

Fans spent a reported $1.2 Million on Kobe Bryant merchandise for his last game in the NBA. Which coincidentally is the same price Kobe spends on merchandise from the jewelry store every time his wife finds out what he has been doing.

Fans spent a reported $1.2 Million on Kobe Bryant merchandise for his last game in the NBA. The most sought after is the rare T-shirt commemorating the time he actually had an assist.

Fans spent a reported $1.2 Million on Kobe Bryant merchandise for his last game in the NBA. Which at Staples Center prices works out to three shirts and a hat.

New York has become the last state to allow professional MMA fights. Which is probably no coincidence that it came about just in time for the weekend before the New York primary vote.

Scientists are asking President Obama to protect the right whale from the sonic threat of seismic surveys in the ocean. Although they had to make sure that when they used the phrase “right whale” the President didn’t think they were referring to Rush Limbaugh.

A report says that 2015 was a big year for UFO sightings in Canada. Although many of the reports of alien life may have had to do something with people seeing Justin Bieber for the first time with his new dreadlocks hairstyle.

Former New York Governor George Pataki has endorsed John Kasich for President. Which means that with his support Kasich could double his total primary vote count all the way up to 12.

Sarah Palin says she is as much of a scientist as Bill Nye. Which was disproven by the fact that a real scientist would have kept quiet after putting her communications degree at Idaho up against his bachelor’s in mechanical engineering from Cornell.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the New York primaries are next week. Followed by several more primaries, some debates, fistfights and then the election in November followed by the inauguration in January and inevitable collapse of the country. Well, that is something we can all look forward to. Which is why I crank out these jokes every day to maybe take your minds off what we all know is coming our way. You can always return the favor with the simple act of taking the time to remember to make sure and always send the love!

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