Thursday, April 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that many corporations pay little in federal income taxes. People were shocked. The corporate tax lawyers aren’t able to fix it so they pay no taxes at all?

A report says that many corporations pay little in federal income taxes. What’s next, the revelation that all they care about is profits and pleasing their investors with no concern about the product they make or the employees who work for them?

U2‘s Bono says the U.S. should use comedy to fight terrorism and send Amy Schumer and Chris Rock to fight Isis. If that fails we can always resort back to using bombs and infiltrate the Middle East theaters with Adam Sandler films.

A study says that people who eat fast food have more industrial chemicals used in plastics in their bodies. Which means that someone eating a Happy Meal has fewer chemicals in their system if they throw away the food and eat the toy that comes with it.

A study says that people who eat fast food have more industrial chemicals which can result in a lower sperm count. Which is no big deal as it isn’t like people who eat fast food at every meal ever have the opportunity to find someone to reproduce with.

A study says that sugar addiction is like drug abuse. If you don’t believe that, just see how violent your wife becomes if she finds even a few pieces missing from her chocolate stash.

A study says that sugar addiction is like drug abuse. It’s getting so bad that in the past few years the top treatment of choice in drug clinics has gone from methadone to insulin.

A study says that sugar addiction is like drug abuse. Even sports aren’t immune, with the Red Sox Pablo Sandoval foregoing steroids and instead getting hooked on Oreos.

A study says that sugar addiction is like drug abuse.  Remember the days when the corner drug dealer would be selling crack out of the trunk of his car instead of boxes of Krispy Kremes?

Atlanta Braves outfielder Hector Olivera was arrested for assault. Since the victim was reportedly hit, it means he obviously wasn’t using a bat in the attack.

A report says the 2016 campaign is causing an “alarming level of fear and anxiety” for children of color. The good news is all the talk about impending war, pestilence and starvation is apparently working in finally getting younger people involved in politics.

A report says the 2016 campaign is causing an “alarming level of fear and anxiety” for children of color. The good news is that Donald Trump has finally figured out a way to unite people of all backgrounds who are all equally terrified of what will happen if he becomes President.

The compensation for the CEO of Exxon Mobil dropped to $27.3 Million last year because of lower oil prices. What’s worse is that he lost millions investing in defense contractors for all the wars he thought we would be starting if oil prices stayed up.

The government says that more airline flights were on time with fewer cancellations last year but with more passenger complaints. Which means the only thing worse than being delayed or canceled is actually having to sit through an entire flight on United.

Gay flight attendants on Air France say they don’t want to be part of flights to Iran where homosexuality is a crime. Which means the airline will use only straight flight attendants for those trips just as soon as they can actually find any.

Gay flight attendants on Air France say they don’t want to be part of flights to Iran where homosexuality is a crime. The only problem is finding any flight attendants who will go there as everything else is also pretty much considered a crime.

The FAA says shooting a drone is a federal crime. Which means guns will no longer be permitted at concerts featuring Cold Play.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is still expanding. The only problem is that in this case it’s sort of like the balloon that is being inflated right before it pops.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is still expanding. The good news is that it will continue to expand as long as our fast food consuming waistlines do the same thing.

The New York Observer lost one of its top reporters over its coverage and endorsement of Donald Trump. Which was completely unnecessary as a demonstration as 90% of Donald Trump’s supporters haven’t picked up a newspaper in the past decade.

Match.com has pulled an ad that suggests red hair and freckles are imperfections. The only question is when are they going to do something about the users who have profiles that lie about their age, income and mental health status?

Bernie Sanders is backing the 40,000 Verizon workers who are on strike. Apparently he can empathize with the customers who will be without phone service for up to several weeks as he has a wireless plan through AT&T.

The Department of Education says that 400,000 disabled borrowers may have their college tuition loans forgiven. Mostly because they were disabled delivering pizzas in the inner city because they couldn’t get anything better with their college degree.

Federal regulators say the five biggest U.S. banks haven’t worked out a plan in case they fail. To which the bank executives say that isn’t true, that their contracts all contain an ironclad golden parachute clause.

Federal regulators say the five biggest U.S. banks haven’t worked out a plan in case they fail. To which executives are asking what is wrong with the old plan of saying no one could have seen it coming and letting the federal government bail them out again?

Japan says it will allow transplants of insulin-producing cells from pigs to humans by 2019. Which is ironic in that most people who need the cells for type 2 diabetes got into that condition by eating too much bacon.

A study says playing sexist video games can reduce empathy towards female victims of violence. Which means it is much healthier for kids to stick with playing video games where they only cut off the heads and disembowel zombies and space aliens.

Scientists say there are six basic elements to making a good apology. And the first thing is to learn not to expect any of them to ever come out of the mouth of Donald Trump.

Scientists say there are six basic elements to making a good apology. Which in New York City means the six different ways of displaying the middle finger.

A study in Scotland says the hand washing method recommended by the WHO is better than the one advocated by the CDC. Although when it comes to washing hands, no one did it better than the CDC when it came to covering their mistakes with the Ebola crisis.

A study says that exercise can help diminish a person’s appetite. Especially when they go to the gym and have no choice but to see all the fat people walking around naked in the locker room.

A study says that treating anxiety and depression can help the global economy. And vice versa.

Kaiser Permanente says it will use a database of DNA and other medical information from patients to find cures for diseases. So far the best advice found through the research towards treating illness is telling people to stay away from Kaiser Permanente.

Mackenzie Douthit from “Teen Mom 3” is reportedly expecting her third child. Apparently no one told her that wasn’t what the “3” in the show’s title was supposed to mean.

 Mackenzie Douthit from “Teen Mom 3” is reportedly expecting her third child. Or as they would say using TV vernacular, another rerun.

Harrison Ford auctioned off his jacket from the latest “Star Wars” movie for $200,000 for charity. Not to say he is getting older, but he gave up the jacket because he feels a lot more comfortable sitting around the house wearing a quilt and heating blanket.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she would rather “smoke crack” than eat spray cheese. To which most people say that spray cheese is nowhere near what crack is like. At least until you wash it down with some Kool-Aid. 


Gwyneth Paltrow says she would rather “smoke crack” than eat spray cheese. As opposed to most people who would rather smoke crack than hear Gwyneth Paltrow talk any more about how much better she is than everyone else.

Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Brooke Mueller are fighting over the amount of child support he owes her. The only question is what court decided it was a good idea for either one of those two to have anything to do with raising any children?

Arthur Anderson, the voice of Lucky Charms’ Lucky the Leprechaun has died at age 93. So far police seem to think it may be the work of a cereal killer.

Arthur Anderson, the voice of Lucky Charms’ Lucky the Leprechaun has died at age 93. The family has already come out with the list of funeral pallbearers which includes Papa Smurf, two of the California Raisins and the Keebler Elves.

Johnny Manziel’s agent Drew Rosenhaus has ended his contract with the football star. Mostly because he did the math and found that 10% of zero is pretty much zero.

Johnny Manziel’s agent Drew Rosenhaus has ended his contract with the football star, saying he hopes he gets the help he needs. Which Rosenhaus won’t help with since Manziel no longer has a fat NFL contract he can skim some money off every week.

Former Cleveland Browns receiver Reggie Rucker says concussions he suffered in the NFL may have caused him to embezzle money from nonprofit groups. Supporting his contention of brain injuries is the fact that he played 12 years in Cleveland.

More than 140 young scientists from 30 states took part in the annual White House Science Fair. The only awkward part was when FBI agents kept walking up to the students and asked them if they knew how to break into an iPhone.

Security experts are telling auto manufacturers that self-driving cars must be able to outsmart terrorists. To which most people say they will be happy with technology that can just outwit a parking meter.

Security experts are telling auto manufacturers that self-driving cars must be able to outsmart terrorists. Because everyone knows terrorists are just sitting around devising ways to break the passcode and take over the entertainment system on a new Camry.

New Jersey Transit officials admit they are recording the conversations of thousands of light rail passengers. Which so far has amounted to boxes of recordings of people saying “What are you looking at?”

The National Weather Service is doing away with forecasts consisting of all capital letters. Apparently they started it as an inexpensive way to cater to those who are hard of hearing.

Donald Trump gave a speech in Pittsburgh where he promised to make the Steel City great again. Although he could have picked a better time to make a promise like that in Pittsburgh around the beginning of the baseball season.

The Senate has voted to ban importing ancient art and artifacts from Syria to discourage looting. The only looting Congress approves in the Middle East is when oil prices are high enough to warrant another invasion.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore says he doesn’t expect to be the Republican presidential nominee. Which surprised just about everyone who had no idea he was ever even running.

Kobe Bryant finished his NBA career with a 60 point performance in a win over the Utah Jazz. People were amazed at witnessing something they never thought they would see. Not the 60 points, the assist he recorded when he was walking off the court.

The Golden State Warriors finished the NBA season winning a record 73 games. Or as the L.A. Clippers call that, a pretty good decade.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NHL playoffs are underway with the NBA gearing up for the postseason. Which means we may have new champs crowned in each sport before the end of summer. Which as drawn out as that may seem will still be months ahead of when we finally get to end the presidential election. And you thought reading this blog was an endless process. All I know is that it takes but a few seconds out of your day to make mine complete when you take the time to make sure and remember to always send the love!

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