Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that a prescription placebo can improve some medical conditions, including migraines. Especially for the people who develop headaches after they get the pharmacy bill for their real medications.

Researchers say that eating raw meat could cause some people to go into a rage. Which finally explains what has been going on all these years with Ted Nugent.

Researchers say that eating raw meat could cause some people to go into a rage. Although it can also drive people over they edge when they eat at Prime and get charged $106 for a small tenderloin.

Mark Zuckerberg has outlined a ten year plan for Facebook to alter the way people interact with each other and the brands that advertise on the site. Although the way the Internet works, in ten years people will be asking “What’s Facebook?”

Seven Andy Warhol paintings of Campbell’s Soup were stolen from a Missouri art museum. The word is the entire security staff just got canned.

A study says attending live music events can reduce the level of stress hormone in people. At least until the people realize they just paid money to go to a Justin Bieber concert.

A study says attending live music events can reduce the level of stress hormone in people. Especially when they are able to fall asleep about three minutes into the concert featuring Yanni and Kenny G.

South Korea is investigating claims that elderly men are being given Viagra to vote in elections. Which now explains why Asians call it “erection day.” (OK, mildly racist but still funny. Use at your own discretion!)

South Korea is investigating claims that elderly men are being given Viagra to vote in elections. Although there have been some problems in making sure the person in the voting booth is pulling the right lever.

A study says that sexually transmitted infections may have driven ancient humans towards monogamy. Which means anyone who ever gets divorced for cheating and loses half what they own can blame it all on Alexander Fleming for discovering penicillin.

A study says that sexually transmitted infections may have driven ancient humans towards monogamy. Which is why the most common grounds for divorce for our ancestors was when one of them uttered “Ugh. Hurts when pee.”

Paul Ryan has ruled out a bid to run for President in case of a brokered convention. It’s called a “brokered convention” because if Donald Trump is nominated and then elected President, the nation will become even broker than it is now.

Paul Ryan has ruled out a bid to run for President in case of a brokered convention. Apparently he wants to go with the more popular method of deciding the nominee that is being considered, a Cage of Death match between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.

The NSA has appointed its first transparency officer. Which not to be confused with the transparency officers used at the TSA, who are the airport workers who get to pick which passengers have to go through the naked body scanner.

A report says that it could take up to hundreds of years and hundreds of billions of miles to adequately test the safety of driverless cars. Or they could start by seeing if one of them is able to survive just one run up and down the 405 Freeway during rush hour.

An Internet porn site is blocking visitors from North Carolina from logging in because of the state’s anti-LGBT law. How bad is it when a porn site is the one telling a state they need to take the higher moral ground?

The NCAA has extended its contract for March Madness with Turner and CBS through 2032. Which coincidentally is when the seniors in this year’s tournament may actually have enough credits to graduate.

Facebook has reportedly built a 360 degree camera. Which means people will not only be able to post pictures of what they are eating for breakfast, but everyone else’s meal in the entire restaurant.

An environmental group is suing over pollution emitted by airline jets. Although they may be confusing their findings with reports of all the American Airlines pilots who get polluted during the inflight happy hour.

An environmental group is suing over pollution emitted by airline jets. Although that is nothing compared with the air quality for anyone sitting through a five hour flight next to the fat guy who ate a full meal before boarding at the airport Taco Bell.

Nestle says it is developing foods that treat diseases. Which many ironically are caused from eating the cereals, flavored drinks and ice cream made by Nestle.

A survey says that most investors are happy with their 401(k) plans. In fact, on the day the retire they are planning to take out the entire amount they have saved and spend it all on a six pack of beer to celebrate.

A survey says that most investors are happy with their 401(k) plans. Mostly because after losing their pension benefits and with the shape of Social Security, that is pretty much all they have left to get them any chance of ever retiring.

The head of the IRS says that tax thieves are becoming “increasingly sophisticated.” Although he does admit that when it comes to tax thieves, the all time champ is still without question the IRS.

The head of the IRS says that tax thieves are becoming “increasingly sophisticated.” They have to be. It takes a math genius anymore just to figure out how to correctly fill out the deductions sheet on the basic 1040 form.

The head of the IRS says that tax thieves are becoming “increasingly sophisticated,” as the tax bureau claims to have caught 1.4 Million fake returns. They suspected they were phony because they came from people who actually still claimed to have an income.

Starbucks, Google and several other large companies have pledged to help give ex-felons jobs. Mostly because they know they can hire them and keep them happy by paying them with cigarettes and chocolate.

Starbucks, Google and several other large companies have pledged to help give ex-felons jobs. Especially Starbucks where they know a criminal background can be useful when it comes to handing a customer a bill for $7 for a large mocha latte.

A survey says that doctors often overestimate the promise of newly approved drugs. Which is almost as bad as the fact they also always seem to underestimate how much the patient is going to have to pay out of pocket for each prescription they write.

A report says that strawberries now top the list of produce with the highest pesticide residues. Although people eating the pesticide-laden strawberries are still healthier than the ones who eat a whole Cold Stone Creamery strawberry ice cream cake.

A study says that girls are starting to drink alcohol sooner than boys. Mostly because boys have found out while their parents will bust them for getting into the liquor cabinet, they can’t really let on they know when they have gotten into their stash of weed.

A study says that girls are starting to drink alcohol sooner than boys. Mostly because girls found out that they don’t need to worry about getting a fake ID to get drunk as long as they start dating guys old enough to buy.

A report says the water in Flint, Michigan is still undrinkable but getting better. Which is like going to Chipotle after they tell you that there is just a little E.coli left in their burritos.

A report says the water in Flint, Michigan is still undrinkable but getting better. Which is also what they have been saying about Coors Light for years.

A study says that cleaner air is tied to fewer lung problems for children. Which is good news for the day they finally decide to get off the couch and go outside and actually use their lungs at a higher capacity than they need for playing video games all day.

Scientists say for the first time they have visualized the effects of LSD on the brain. Which means they pretty much just sat through a screening of the movie “Yellow Submarine.”

A study says that smokers earn less and are less likely to get hired than non-smokers. Even Wall Street executives are feeling the effects and are now lighting up their cigars with only $50 bills.

A study says that 40% of retired NFL players have brain injuries. The other 60% just haven’t noticed them yet as they are still trying to be able to get up off the couch after finally recovering  from all their leg, back and neck injuries.

A study says that 40% of retired NFL players have brain injuries. The good news is that if it weren’t for severe brain damage there might not have been a post-football career at all for Terry Bradshaw.

Kanye West says his interruption of Taylor Swift was the “beginning of the end of his life.” Which if he had the guts to interrupt someone like Gene Simmons would have pretty much meant going right to the end of his life.

A 25 year old Brooklyn man set a world’s record by binge watching 94 straight hours of TV. Or as most Millennials  with access to the entire episode lineup of “House of Cards,” “Orange is the New Black” and “Game of Thrones” are saying, “Amateur!”

Jon Cryer is comparing Donald Trump to his former “Two and a Half Men” co-star Charlie Sheen. That may not be far off. They are both wealthy and famous, had a hit network TV show and have trouble with that fine line of knowing when they should bring their rants to an end.

The creators of the Broadway show “Hamilton” have written a book called “Hamilton: The Revolution.” In order to stay on topic, instead of the list price of $24 bookstores are asking for “two Hamiltons and four Washingtons.”

“Mad TV” is set to return to the airwaves for an 8 episode run. Although it would probably be just as easy to pass off any of the episodes from its 14 previous years as being new since it’s not like anyone saw them the first time around.

Kobe Bryant says he was “obsessed” at winning an NBA Championship without Shaquille O’Neal. The only problem is after that he became obsessed about winning an NBA Championship without the other four players on the floor.

A report says the NBA will approve ads to be worn on jerseys by 2017. The only problem is if they go overboard with the ads like NASCAR and the players will have to play the games in their warm-ups to have enough room for all the decals.

The Dodgers have revealed a 3D look with the logo on their batting helmets. It’s the most radical change to headgear since the time messages were flashed across Barry Bonds’ helmet when it got to be as large as the Goodyear blimp.

Rick Pitino says the NCAA investigation of Louisville is “pretty much over.” Which means it will be a few more days before they go over their findings and administer the program-devastating hand slap.

Rick Pitino says the NCAA investigation of Louisville is “pretty much over.” Which no doubt will be administered with a punishment that wouldn’t even draw a foul whistle during a game.

Uber has released information on 5 Million of its riders to state regulators in California. Although all the state can glean from that is that the 5 Million people on the list got way too drunk at least once.

A report says the information on Wikipedia would fill 3.3 Million boxes and stretch from Chicago to New York. Although that information should not be used in any official capacity without confirmation since it was taken from Wikipedia.

Donald Trump says his Vide President won’t be like him. Which finally gives people an actual reason to consider voting for his ticket.

Hillary Clinton gave out some dating advice, saying people should split the check at the beginning of a relationship. At least that is what Bill has been telling her he is still doing when he is out on a first date.

Golf is going to be an event at the Olympics in 2016, the first time it has been part of the Games since 1904. Jordan Spieth is the early favorite, although it may not be a good sign he has been getting coached by Michael Phelps.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to say I am getting a little discouraged. I have been writing this blog for more than ten years and am still nowhere near my eventual goal of 7 Billion daily readers. I really need you all to get out there and spread the word. Tell everyone you know how great the jokes are. So you can lie a little. At least the price is right. Unless you factor in the time you spend to go through it. As you know, the only compensation I ever ask for is to take the time to remember to make sure and always send the love!

No comments: