Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ted Cruz won all of Colorado’s presidential primary delegates without any votes cast by citizens. Just like in 2000 when George W. Bush said why bother counting millions of votes when it’s so much easier to have five people making the call you want?

Federal Reserve official William Dudley says that America is no longer the top country in which to live the American dream. Which the people of Mexico agree with, at least if Donald Trump is elected and gets to build that wall along the border.

Federal Reserve official William Dudley says that America is no longer the top country in which to live the American dream. Mostly from the Federal Reserve allowing the banks to crash the economy that caused everyone to lose their home.

Ford says it has created a driverless car that performs better than people in complete darkness. Which is a real advantage for anyone who was ever planning on taking a trip in a car that was driven by someone who is completely blind.

Ford says it has created a driverless car that performs better than people in complete darkness using a device with radar and a camera. Which is different from the people who have a phone with a camera that causes most of the accidents in the first place.

A report says that the Bible is now making the challenged list at many public schools and libraries. That doesn’t even include the atheists who just want to have the book classified as “fiction.”

A mentally ill felon in Georgia lied on a sperm bank website and ended up fathering 36 children. Apparently he was able to do it by convincing people managing the website his last name was Duggar.

A report says that the U.S. is facing a $3.4 Trillion pension fund deficit. People were shocked. There are still people in this country who have a pension?

Researchers say new evidence shows the bulk of the Bible was written sometime after 600 B.C. Another discovery is that was when the part was written about “the newborn King” the authors were talking about Larry King.

A study says that 80% of the water in China’s wells is polluted. What’s worse is that researchers took weeks to even find the wells through all the country’s smog.

A study says that 80% of the water in China’s wells is polluted. The good news is that all the heavy metals and other toxins help offset the aftertaste of the bacteria and Cadmium in all their food.

A report says a top colonel from North Korea has defected to South Korea. Not only that, he was able to smuggle out the country’s top naval, air force and infantry weapons when he brought over a drone and sling shot in the rowboat he arrived in.

Fiat Chrysler is cutting the price of its Dodge Dart. Which is great news for anyone still living back in 1977.

A company is offering a jacket it says will last for 30 years or it will be repaired or replaced for free. Although it doesn’t say if that includes what most Americans need from their clothes over 30 years which is doubling the original size.

A new ad from Golfsmith has started airing that goes after casual golfers by celebrating truly terrible shots. It’s just too bad they shot all their commercials before they had the chance to buy the rights to Jordan Spieth playing the 12th hole at the Masters.

A study says that Millennials prefer short 10 second ads on their cellphones compared to older people who like the 30 second format. Apparently they just don’t have the extra 20 seconds of attention span needed to wait impatiently to watch the next cat video.

A study says that Millennials prefer short 10 second ads on their cellphones compared to older people who like the 30 second format. The question is who did they find for the study who likes any ads playing on their cellphone?

13,000 Amazon customers have signed a petition telling the retailer to cut all ties with Donald Trump. Which means when it comes to Trump’s clothing line they literally want them to cut all the ties.

13,000 Amazon customers have signed a petition telling the retailer to cut all ties with Donald Trump. Apparently they don’t want any politics to get in the way when they go online to shop for cheap Chinese crap.

A study says that rich Americans live an average of 15 years longer than the poor. Which works out fine as who wants to live another 15 years of always being sick, hungry and cold?

A study says that rich Americans live an average of 15 years longer than the poor. Mostly because they are able to afford the life support equipment that keeps them breathing while they are bedridden over that last decade and a half.

A study says that wealthy Americans live an average of 15 years longer than the poor. The good news is that it drives their heirs crazy having to wait another 15 years for their rich relatives to die so they can finally get their hands on their money.

Ticketmaster is planning on selling tickets to events on Facebook. Which means people could pay $300 for a pair of nosebleed seats or just click out of Facebook and go to Youtube where they can watch someone’s bootleg of the entire concert for free.

Joe Biden says he wants to see a woman elected President. Mostly so he has yet another woman he as access to as a Vice President to be able to grab and hug improperly.

Joe Biden says he wants to see a woman elected President. Which most people are good with as long as he isn’t talking about getting into the White House with a future run by his wife.

A survey says that graduates with a two year college degree are satisfied with the cost of the degree but not their lives. Especially when they realize their associate degree was just enough to get their foot in the door as a cashier at Hobby Lobby.

A survey says that graduates with a two year college degree are satisfied with the cost of the degree but not their lives. Especially when they realize another two years in school would have given them the four year degree status of a better paying job and a $100,000 college tuition loan to brag about.

A report says that Cuba is running low on beer from the recent American tourist boom. Which is good news for the Cubans who need the empty cans to help line their rafts as floatation devices.

The DEA is reportedly considering reclassifying marijuana as a Schedule II drug that puts it in the same class as Ritalin, Oxycontin and Adderall. Which makes sense as it would now be considered the same as all those other drugs that are only taken for recreational use by college students.

A study says that there is evidence of brain injury in living NFL veterans. Suspicions were raised when several of the players who had been in the league for years still signed on with the Cleveland Browns.

A study says that married people have an advantage when it comes to surviving cancer. Especially the ones whose only goal left in life is to outlive their spouse.

A study says that cigarette smoking could burn a person’s job prospects. The study was commissioned when it was reported the Marlboro Man, Joe Camel and Willie the Kool Penguin were all recently seen standing in the same unemployment line.

A Canadian summer camp for 8-15 year old girls says it will give them beauty tips to “turn heads.” Although all it really takes for an 8-15 year old girl to turn a head is to walk past wherever R.Kelly happens to be sitting.

“Dog Whisperer” Cesar Millan will reportedly not be facing animal cruelty charges over a case where a dog nipped a pig’s ear. Although Millan was reprimanded for obviously not showing the dog the correct way to become a pig whisperer.

Dolly Parton is celebrating her 70th birthday today. Which doesn’t add up correctly when most men know her for her pair of 38s.

Dolly Parton is celebrating her 70th birthday today. Most men will toast the occasion by raising their cup, as long as it is at least size DD.

A report says the sixth “Harry Potter” book was protected from leaks by British spies. When you figure the British intelligence is working on the security of a kids’ book while the FBI is trying to crack into iPhones, no wonder the terrorists are winning.

New Jersey high school pitcher Jason Groome threw a no-hitter where he struck out 19 of 21 batters. Although major league scouts were not impressed when it came out it wasn’t against another high school level team but the New York Mets.

A Detroit Tigers fan caught five foul balls at the same game. He was also generous in giving one of them to each of the four other fans who showed up at the game.

A Detroit Tigers fan caught five foul balls at the same game. The sad part is that is three more than the number of fair balls caught by the entire Tigers team.

The NCAA has put a three year halt on any new college football bowl games. Apparently they want to wait until their are enough new colleges built to be able to actually furnish enough teams for all the games.

The NCAA has put a three year halt on any new college football bowl games. Apparently they want to wait a few years to give everyone a chance to recover their health before they go ahead with their plans for the upcoming Chipotle Bowl.

The Cubs got to tour their new 30,000 square foot clubhouse at Wrigley Field. That means there is 29,997 square feet for the players with 3 square feet reserved for where the trophy and pennant case will be placed if they actually ever get any.

A Verizon strike could idle 40,000 workers later this week. Or as 40,000 idle workers is called over at AT&T, the swing shift.

A Verizon strike could idle 40,000 workers later this week. Or as Carly Fiorina calls 40,000 workers going out the door, a pretty good day’s work.

A report says that 4G cellphone service now covers 55% of Brazilians. Which is still 30% more coverage than one of their wax jobs.

A new solar cell panel can reportedly turn raindrops as well as sunlight into electricity. Which is great news for Seattle where they can use them for longer than the three hours a year they actually see any sunshine.

Facebook has donated $250,000 for minority tech scholarships. Which in Silicon Valley pretty much applies to anyone who isn’t a white or Asian male aged 18-26.

President Obama is calling for fewer secrets in the government. The only problem is that his request came during a speech that was immediately labeled as classified.

John Kasich says he would be “the worst Vice President the country ever saw.” To which Dick Cheney saying “I’d like to see him try.”

John Kasich says he would be “the worst Vice President the country ever saw.” The only problem is how would anyone even know?

John Kasich says he would be “the worst Vice President the country ever saw.” As opposed to the greatest Vice President ever, that one guy who dressed nicely or maybe that other one who was always on time for whatever it was he did.

Donald Trump says the media don’t mind when people are taken advantage of. Like when they play all three hours of the latest Donald Trump rant on live TV.

Donald Trump says the media don’t mind when people are taken advantage of. Sort of like a businessman who takes investors’ money with projects he drives into the ground while declaring bankruptcy.

Donald Trump says he sees himself as the protagonist in the Ayn rand novel “The Fountainhead.” Which is ironic in that the Fountainhead is exactly the same name Trump’s barber has given to his haircut.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Republicans in Colorado have finally figured out a way to stop Donald Trump from winning the election. Just don’t let anyone vote. How brilliant is that? Until now, they just found ways for the poor, people of color and other likely Democrats to not be able to cast a ballot. Think of it, though. No elections means no political commercials, no billionaires controlling the candidates, no having to go to the polls and voting for all those people no one has ever even heard of until that moment. Sounds like a winner to me. Of course, the only vote that ever matters here is the one you all cast when you take the time to make sure and remember to always send the love!

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