Sunday, April 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that 200 unbound Republican delegates could decide whether or not Donald Trump gets the party’s presidential nomination. As opposed to the old ways like back in 2000 when the President was picked by five Supreme Court Justices.

Japan is testing a system that would allow people to buy items in a store using their fingerprints. To which the cashier will be asking customers “Will you be paying for that with a loop or a whorl?”

Japan is testing a system that would allow people to buy items in a store using their fingerprints. The system uses a thumbprint for credit, index finger for debit, with returns still being taken care of with the traditional middle finger.

Mysterious quakes have been rattling areas of North Carolina recently. Scientists say it could be earthquakes, disturbances from fracking or the rest of the out of state businesses leaving town because of the new Religious Freedom law.

Experts are telling the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration that self-driving cars are too dangerous for use now. Some of them are so unsafe they could cause an accident before you could say “National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.”

Experts are telling the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration that self-driving cars are too dangerous for use now. Apparently now that the cars are all connected to the Internet, the self-driving cars are distracted by constantly checking their Facebook page and sending texts.

A report says that newspaper websites have seen little or no gain in viewership recently. Mostly because the sites are not giving the people the news they need, like who is in a new relationship, what people are eating for breakfast and videos of other people’s cats.

Some Catholic Church officials talking about Bernie Sanders’ upcoming visit to the Vatican were a result of him inviting himself. To which Democratic backers of Hillary Clinton are saying “Tell us about it.”

Nicolas Cage and Vince Neil were involved in a fight outside a Las Vegas casino. Apparently it was a publicity stunt for Cage’s new movie “Leaving Las Vegas in ‘Cuffs.”

Nicolas Cage and Vince Neil were involved in a fight outside a Las Vegas casino. Which may have been a publicity stunt for Cage’s new movie “National Treasure: Take That For Swiping My Last Poker Chip.”

A bill in New York allows police to use technology to determine if car crashes resulted from distracted driving. Although they can still use the old method of seeing if one of the drivers has a cellphone embedded in their face where their nose and mouth used to be.

A dog trainer in New Zealand says he has taught dogs how to fly a plane. The worst part is as soon as they get behind the controls they want to hump the legs of all the flight attendants.

A dog trainer in New Zealand says he has taught dogs how to fly a plane. So far the flights have all taken off and landed safely except the one that crashed after a distraction from a flying squirrel.

A disgruntled former political worker reportedly threw a shoe at a top official in New Delhi, India. Or as Donald Trump supporters call that, “polite political discourse.”

The University of Kentucky is suing a business claiming they own the right to the name of the state. If they win, that means nothing will be done without the approval of 1970s progressive rock groups in either Kansas, Boston or Chicago.

The University of Kentucky is suing a business claiming they own the right to the name of the state. Which means anyone celebrating Christmas may be now officially be charged for royalties by the 1970s rock group Nazareth.

The alleged mastermind behind the murder of a Dallas dentist has been captured in Mexico. The only problem is that so far authorities say interrogating the suspect is like pulling teeth.

Federal maps show that New Orleans is less vulnerable to floods than it was before Hurricane Katrina ten years ago. Mostly because the flood waters would have to reach 500 miles inland to get the half of the people who moved that far away after the storm.

North Korea claims it successfully tested a long range rocket. Which for North Korea means anything that makes it more than three miles away from the launching pad.

Virtual Reality is being tested by the NFL to confront racism and sexism. Except in Cleveland where fans are much more interested in using Virtual Reality to see what it is like to have a team that actually finishes the season with a winning record.

Virtual Reality is being tested by the NFL to confront racism and sexism. Which pretty much means that Commissioner Roger Goodell will use a VR headset to replace the blinders he is currently wearing.

A report says the most expensive drug in the U.S. is for Hepatitis C costing $84,000 per treatment. It was supposed to cost $36,000 but went up to reflect the increase in prices for beach houses in the Hamptons eyed by pharmaceutical company executives.

A report says the most expensive drug in the U.S. is for Hepatitis C costing $84,000 per treatment. Although technically that still pales in total cost to whatever Charlie Sheen was on that caused the meltdown leading to him being fired from “Two and a Half Men.”

A study says the average American worker has saved $63,000 for retirement. Which will be more than enough to cover the Rascal Scooter to get them around once they can finally afford to give up their job when they turn 93.

Wells Fargo will pay $1.2 Billion to the government for hiding bad loans before the housing crash in 2008. The good news for the bank is that they will pay it off from the $10 Billion they made in profits from selling off all the foreclosures they caused.

Victoria’s Secret says it will stop mailing out its catalogs. Mostly because the only requests for the publications are coming from 15 year old boys.

Victoria’s Secret says it will stop mailing out its catalogs. Apparently the decision came after it was realized the catalogs actually weighed more than their lingerie models.

The CEO of MasterCard says he believes in equal pay for women. Just the way women just like men who carry the MasterCard are charged an equally outrageous interest rate on their balance.

The CEO of MasterCard says he believes in equal pay for women. Which is why everyone at the company makes the exact same minimum wage.

The CEO of MasterCard says he believes in equal pay for women. The only pay disparity still practiced by the company is for the CEO to make 20,000 times the salary of the other workers.

A report card on school gym programs says that children are not getting the physical activity they need each week. People were surprised. Schools still have gym programs?

A report card on school gym programs says that children are not getting the physical activity they need each week. Which has been made pretty apparent from the fact that students haven’t been able to fit into their classroom seats since 1996.

A report says that a Texas woman’s weight loss surgery is tied to her losing part of her vision. Which is ironic in that the reason she had the surgery done is so that she could finally be able to see her toes again.

A Dutch study says that wearing earplugs at concerts can prevent hearing loss. To which any adults taking their kids to a Justin Bieber concert are saying “Oh, they are good for that, too?”

A Dutch study says that wearing earplugs at concerts can prevent hearing loss. Especially for anyone going to a Dutch concert who wants to avoid any hearing loss from the loud clacking of people dancing in wooden shoes.

Researchers say the best way to test for longevity is to look at a person’s age, how they can climb stairs and if they can walk short distances. And how close they live to Detroit.

Researchers say the best way to test for longevity is to look at a person’s age, how they can climb stairs and if they can walk short distances. Which anyone passing all three  pretty much shows if they have enough left to make it at least another three days.

New apps are aiming to keep devices from disrupting people’s sleep. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called the “off” switch.

Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose broke his foot during the first performance on the group’s reunion tour. How ironic is it that a guy named Axl would end up with a bad wheel?

Steve Miller went on a backstage rant at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony last week. For one thing, according to the contract rider for the 72 year old rocker they were supposed to remove all the chocolate flavored bottles of Boost.

Steve Miller went on a backstage rant at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony last week. Mostly because everyone under 40 was asking “Who’s Steve Miller?”

Rapper Iggy Azalea is denying there is any drama between her and boyfriend Nick Young of the Lakers. Although after Young admitted cheating on her the word is out that Kobe Bryant may not be the only one on the team going through a farewell tour.

Rapper Iggy Azalea is denying there is any drama between her and boyfriend Nick Young of the Lakers. Which is good news for Kobe Bryant who insists on being the only member of the team who can be the center of all the drama.

The final episode of “American Idol” drew 13.3 Million viewers. Mostly the ones who used to watch the early years of the contest to see if Paula Abdul would make it all the way through the show without falling down or passing out.

The San Francisco Giants have signed first baseman Brandon Belt to a five year contract for $73 Million. Which is good news for the infielder who now has enough money to put a down payment on a two bedroom fixer upper townhouse in Pacific Heights.

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer is being credited with saving a girl who fell down from being trampled while at a Justin Bieber concert. Apparently he made the heroic move to deflect questions as to what he was doing at a Justin Bieber concert.

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer is being credited with saving a girl who fell down from being trampled while at a Justin Bieber concert. Apparently the girl was not aware that it wasn’t a good idea to be anywhere near an exit once the music started.

Former NFL star Terrell Owens is making the argument that his statistics are good enough to get him into the Hall of Fame. Apparently he doesn’t realize he isn’t there because even with those stats he still got dumped by six different teams.

A 94 year old former All-American scored a touchdown in the South Carolina alumni football game. He was available for the game as he is still on campus trying to become one of the first players at the school to actually finish their degree.

A southern woman made a video showing her using a sledgehammer and shotgun on her kids’ iPhones because they spent too much time on social media. Although the FBI is now mad, saying she stole their secret method of how to break into an iPhone.

A study says that putting solar panels on every roof would supply 39% of the power to the U.S. That includes Seattle as long as the 39% of their solar power needs were confined to one light bulb that wouldn’t be used more than three minutes a day.

A report says the FBI’s secret method of unlocking iPhones won’t work on models other than the iPhone 5c. Which is bad news for the three people who still haven’t moved on to the iPhone 6 and are already looking to trade in for the new iPhone 7.

Researchers say they have discovered what creeps people out, which is mostly things that are unpredictable and unattractive. Which explains why so many people are freaked out by the whole Donald Trump campaign.

A report says that loans and withdrawals are being stopped at Puerto Rico’s biggest bank. Which is otherwise known as the guy in the trench coat standing across the street from the downtown Greyhound Bus terminal.

A report says that loans and withdrawals are being stopped at Puerto Rico’s biggest bank. Which means there has been a freeze put on all $7.85 of the bank’s assets.

Belgium has reportedly captured the “man with the hat” suspect in the airport bombing last month. Authorities made a previous arrest but apparently had him confused with an APB put out by Curious George who was looking for a Man in a Yellow Hat.


The Masters was won by Englishman Danny Willet after Jordan Spieth took a quadruple bogey seven on the par 3 12th. After which Jean van de Veld, Greg Norman and Scott Hoch all said "What the heck was he thinking?"

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A winter like freeze has gripped the entire northeast. It hasn’t been that cold in New York since the last time Bill and Hillary Clinton ended up having to stay at home in the same bedroom. Of course, the best way to avoid the cold is to get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside that only comes when you take the time to remember to make sure to always send the love!

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