Friday, April 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is calling for civility in the national dialogue. Although he stopped short of saying the easiest way to do that is for people to cut back a little on their daily caffeine intake.

A 91 year old man is a regular member of his Texas neighborhood citizen patrol. His main job is to look for people who exhibit suspicious behavior, like being out on the streets after 7:30 at night.

A 78 year old “gym junkie” grandmother in Illinois can deadlift 245 pounds. Which most other grandmothers wish they could do just so they could finally get grandpa off the couch.

The Navy says it will start allowing sailors to have larger tattoos, with smaller ones now permitted on the neck. There are no actual restrictions on subject matter, but it is highly discouraged to have anything referring to “In The Navy,” “YMCA” or “Village People.”

An Ohio teen has been jailed for taking smartphone pictures inside a courtroom. Which shows just one example of how people know how to take the “smart” out of smartphone.

An Ohio teen has been jailed for taking smartphone pictures inside a courtroom. The good news is that taking a selfie is even that much easier when placed in solitary confinement.

A United Airlines flight was aborted after a passenger insisted on getting out of his seat to do yoga and meditate. Which still sounds a lot better than the other passengers who look at online porn, sing along with their iPod and snore through the entire flight.

A United Airlines flight was aborted after a passenger insisted on getting out of his seat to do yoga and meditate. Although while he is spending time in jail he will be in for a rude surprise when he tries to do the extended puppy pose around his cellmates.

Chubb Limited Insurance says it will offer cyberbullying coverage in the U.S. So far the first taker is the FBI who is already filing a claim against Apple for bullying them about not being able to unlock that iPhone.

Chubb Limited Insurance says it will offer cyberbullying coverage in the U.S. Which finally offers some protection to anyone who sends out negative tweets about Donald Trump.

A survey says that 75% of Americans say that Donald Trump is getting too much media coverage. In fact, he is getting so much airtime that the people watching CNN are asking the network to go back to 24/7 reporting about the missing Malaysia Airlines jet.

A survey says that 75% of Americans say that Donald Trump is getting too much media coverage. The other 25% is OK with the fact that the more airtime for Donald Trump, the less time they have to listen to all the other presidential candidates.

A survey says that 75% of Americans say that Donald Trump is getting too much media coverage. The other 25% are just asking what has changed about that since 1978.

A survey says that most young people would rather drive than be driven. Mostly because when they are driving they are at least making money since the only job they can get is with Uber.

Ruby Tuesday restaurants are being sued for paying workers $2.13 an hour for doing untipped work like washing dishes and sweeping floors. Which is different from Carrows where untipped jobs include waiting tables during the Early Bird dinner shift.

Apple says it has fixed an iPhone bug that is causing some devices to crash. Or as Android users know a bug that causes their phone to crash, “Windows.”

Verizon is planning to charge customers an additional fee of $20 for upgrading their phones. The good news for iPhone users is that Apple will give them at least three months to save up their money before coming out with the next model.

Utah has become the first state to have an online registry for white collar criminals. Other states have had those for years, which are known there as the country club membership list.

China has unveiled a proposal for a $50 Trillion global electricity network that would help fight pollution. And who wouldn’t give China $50 Trillion to get in on their expertise on how to eliminate pollution?

China has unveiled a proposal for a $50 Trillion global electricity network that would help fight pollution. Or as Americans already call spending $50 Trillion for electricity, their monthly power bill.

A study says that childhood stress is linked to hardening of the arteries. Because how easy could be it to relax when worrying about the possibility of developing heart disease before reaching middle school?

Researchers say that deli slicers could be a source of germs that could cause serious illnesses. Although the bacteria on the blades is still healthier than the chemicals and preservatives that go into most deli meats.

Researchers say the genes for pot addiction have been identified. Mostly any children who end up with the DNA of Miley Cyrus, Snoop Dogg or Willie Nelson.

Martin Sheen is producing and narrating a documentary professing the innocence of O.J. Simpson. If it turns out to be successful, he will follow it up with a documentary showing how his son Charlie Sheen has live the life of a monk.

Rapper Fetty Wap has become the father to a baby girl. Coincidentally, “Fetty Wap” is the same sound made when the birth doctor slapped the baby’s bottom.

The Broadway blockbuster “Hamilton” came under fire for a controversial casting call that sought “non-white” performers. Mostly because it was the first time a Broadway casting call didn’t specify they were looking for any attributes other than being gay.

The Philadelphia 76ers are on track to tie the all-time NBA worst regular season record ever at 9-73, also held by the 76ers. NBA fans were shocked. There is an “all-time worst” record on the books not owned by the Clippers?

Mets pitcher Matt Harvey is reportedly mad over media coverage of his bladder infection. Now that it is over he is saying he is just concerned about making his health concern number one.

Mets pitcher Matt Harvey is reportedly mad over media coverage of his bladder infection. The only question is how would it be even possible for someone to be happy over the media covering their bladder infection?

The NCAA has announced the referees who will officiate the Final Four. That is a courtesy the NCAA presents coaches so they can make a list up of whom to individually blame for all the bad calls when they are eliminated.

An NFL draft prospect says he was asked by a team official if he were going to kill someone whether he would use a knife or gun. Apparently the team was trying to size up if his game is more like Aaron Hernandez or O.J. Simpson.

The NCAA has apologized to the University of South Carolina after mistakenly telling them they were invited to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. The worst part is that anyone picking South Carolina to win the whole thing would actually have a better bracket than anyone else in the pool.

A report says the Cleveland Cavaliers believe that LeBron James could leave the team again. Although no one would blame someone who has already suffered enough by signing on twice to play in Cleveland.

Former UFC champ Jon Jones has been ordered to attend anger management classes after a road rage incident. Although there was already the suspicion he might have anger issues, mostly from the fact he is a former UFC champ.

Qatar is being accused of abusing migrant workers in preparation for the 2022 World Cup. Mostly for making anyone work outside in Qatar in any month other than January.

The FCC has voted to expand a program for broadband subsidies for the poor. The money will include paying for access to the Internet, buying computers and paying off debts accumulated to several Nigerian princes.

A new futuristic suit allows young people to feel what it is like to experience old age. Although if they really want to look old they can go up to their grandfather’s closet and try on one of his 1974 leisure suits.

Apple employees say that their company still feels young at age 40. Especially the ones who worked trying to keep the FBI from unlocking their iPhone and were walking around saying “Stick it to the man!”

Ted Cruz says the movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” traumatized him. Although not as much as realizing that people are listening to what Donald Trump is saying and still supporting him over Cruz.

Ted Cruz says the movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” traumatized him. Although after finishing a debate with Donald Trump he feels more like “The Revenant.”

Ted Cruz says the movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” traumatized him. Well, that pretty much sums up everything we have seen with this election.

American Airlines says it is dropping their policy to hold trip reservations for free for 24 hours. Although United is still keeping its policy of no extra fees for the first 24 hours of sitting in one of their planes while stuck on the tarmac.

American Airlines says it is dropping their policy to hold trip reservations for free for 24 hours. Apparently they were getting pressure from the airlines for being the last one to actually still have a policy using the word “free.”

IBM is reportedly working on intelligent computers that make decisions like humans. The first thing decisions they are making is telling their users just to not make them try to run on Windows.

A report says that 65% of American roads are “shoddy” enough to where they could pose problems for driverless cars. You know the roads are bad when cars are driverless because they hit a pothole which threw the driver through the sunroof.

Giant rats in Mozambique have been trained to sniff out TB. The only problem is that people would rather have TB than wake up to find giant rats running around the house.

Giant rats in Mozambique have been trained to sniff out TB. The bad news is that by the time they find out who has TB, everyone else has been infected with the bubonic plague.

The International Space Station is taking delivery of an inflatable activity module. Which is NASA’s way of telling taxpayers they just spent $18 Million for astronauts to get to play on a bounce house.

The FBI says it may not share their secret method of unlocking an iPhone with Apple. Although the people at Apple don’t really care because they know it more than likely had something to do with them getting in by typing in either “password” or “12345.”

A study says that the Antarctic ice melt could cause the world’s seas to rise as much as 6 feet by 2100. No one really took the news seriously until it was found out that Ron Jon surf shop put in an application to open a shop in Kansas.

Donald Trump says his proposed ban on Muslims entering the U.S. wouldn’t apply to those who are rich. Which is good to know that means that under Trump, Osama bin Laden if still alive would be welcome to come in and pick his next target any time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Final Four is this weekend, but like all the other cord cutters I don’t get TBS so I can’t watch the games. However, I still get CBS who used to carry the games so I will instead just watch six straight hours of every part of the NCIS franchise. I guess I should just be glad that “2 Broke Girls” only airs on Thursday night. Oh, yeah. Today is also April Fool’s Day so if you have gotten this far in the blog I guess the joke is on you! For the few of you who actually like the jokes I put on here, feel free to pay me back by remembering to take the time to always send the love!

1 comment:

WRtB said...

Researchers say that deli slicers might be a source of germs that could cause serious illnesses. That can’t be right, Chipotle doesn’t use slicers.