Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Cleveland is reportedly stocking up on riot gear for the Republican National Convention in July. It must be for that, because there is no way they can actually be thinking that LeBron James is going to lead the Cavaliers to an NBA title.

Cleveland is reportedly stocking up on riot gear for the Republican National Convention in July. Although any thoughts of rioting could be removed by having the keynote address given by Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the Terminator.

Cleveland is reportedly stocking up on riot gear for the Republican National Convention in July.  And that’s just for when Donald Trump outlines his platform if he is elected President.

Dob Dylan has announced he will be releasing a new album called “Fallen Angels.” At least that’s what most people thought he said although it could be “Former Strangers,” “Phony Agents” or “Funny Aphids.”

A study says that binge drinking raises the risk of heart attacks and strokes. Which is good news for those patients as those are a lot less expensive and easier to recover from than a liver transplant.

A study says that binge drinking raises the risk of heart attacks and strokes. Especially for the people who have had a previous heart attack or stroke and started binge drinking after getting their hospital bills.

Scientists have identified the part of the brain where anger originates. Apparently it is the part that processes and analyzes all the nonstop TV political commercials.

A poll says that 61% of Americans feel that immigration is jeopardizing the U.S. The other 39% couldn’t take part in the survey because they were waiting for work in the Home Depot parking lot.

A poll says that 61% of Americans feel that immigration is jeopardizing the U.S. The other 39% were so upset they didn’t want to leave their home and just had their housekeeper take a cab to the store to pick up freshly picked produce.

A report says a record 61 Million immigrants are living in the U.S. The good news is they now have an incentive to become citizens so they can vote against Donald Trump.

A report says 300,000 Chinese officials have been punished for corruption. Which is good news for the people who fear China to know that at least there is something both our countries have in common.

A report says 300,000 Chinese officials have been punished for corruption. Apparently people started complaining when they realized other countries didn’t have the same consistent brown color in their air, water and food.

Lawmakers in Virginia have voted to bring back the electric chair as an alternative for the death penalty. Apparently the Republican majority was considering public hangings but opted out when they found the gallows would have to be built by union carpenters.

Maria Sharapova announced she failed a drug test at the Australian Open. Which is ironic as tennis fans were hoping she would start taking some kind of prescription to cure whatever it is that makes her scream on every shot.

Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided not to run for President. He felt he had no chance as there is not one issue that he has an extreme enough view on to attract any of today’s American voters.

Student loans have made the list of the top consumer complaints in Illinois for the first time. It’s getting so bad that people are claiming a higher customer satisfaction rate from Nigerian princes.

A study says that U.S. wages are growing faster than believed. Which is pretty much only a result of the cities that have decided to increase the minimum wage.

A study says that U.S. wages are growing faster than believed. Mostly because no one believes that who sees their paychecks are still lower than the ones they were getting back in 2007.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz will return to work this month after receiving a heart transplant. People were surprised. An executive at United has a heart?

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz will return to work after five months off following a heart transplant.  He would have been back to work sooner but the heart used in the transplant arrived five months late as it was accidentally sent on United.

Scientists have offered an explanation as to why people can’t stop eating potato chips. Apparently it has to do with going a little too far of refusing to give in on the Lay’s challenge of “Bet you can’t eat just one.”

Scientists have offered an explanation as to why people can’t stop eating potato chips. It may have something to do with why they can’t look away from their cellphones for two minutes, use their time at work to look for a new job and spend all their spare time looking at Internet porn.

A report says that fasting diets are starting to gain acceptance. Although for most Americans fasting means avoiding the urge to any snack between breakfast and lunch.

A French perfume company will bottle the scent of people who have died. Which means their kids can remember their bodily smell which was pretty much a combination of Ben Gay, Denny’s and Depends.

A French perfume maker will bottle the scent of people who have died. Which ironically still has a better odor than the unbathed French who are making the cologne.

UCLA is offering a course for freshmen to see what it is like to become old. Which they will be by the time they actually are able to finish paying off all their tuition loans.

Kim Kardashian posted a nude post-baby selfie on Twitter. It’s nice to see she still manages to make time after being a wife to Kanye West and a mom to two children to make sure everyone in the world can get a view of her privates.

Marcia Clark says that Kris Jenner would have been a great witness in the O.J. Simpson trial. Although it would have been even better if Marcia Clark had been a great lawyer.

Marcia Clark says that Kris Jenner would have been a great witness in the O.J. Simpson trial. Although it’s hard to believe as those were the days before selfies, Twitter and reality TV.

Rapper Bankroll Fresh was shot and killed outside a recording studio in Atlanta. Police feel it may have been a case of mistaken identity by someone working for Betty Crocker who was trying to take out Poppin’ Fresh.

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris celebrated their one year anniversary together. Which was so much easier to celebrate with one present than the one week anniversaries she celebrated with her 52 boyfriends from the previous year.

Bobby Brown backed out of a gig following the release of the autopsy of his daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown. People were surprised. Bobby Brown still gets gigs?

A report says Peyton Manning has gotten interest from three TV networks. Unfortunately they came after the latest charges of sexual harassment and are from the Bravo, Lifetime and Playboy Channels.

Raymond Tomlinson, the man who invented e-mail has died at age 74. So far police say they have a person of interest in connection with the death and would like to speak to Hillary Clinton.

Raymond Tomlinson, the man who invented e-mail has died at age 74. His family says the funeral will be held this weekend @Forest Lawn.

A new federal website aims to enhance community service. Mostly so people can find the services in their own community that take forever if they try to get them through the federal government.

A study says that birds sing duets to reduce cheating. Which may have something to do with Taylor Swift paying to get her latest boyfriend to take some singing lessons.
 

President Obama is denying he has let Wall Street off the hook. Mostly because when it comes to the crimes committed on Wall Street, no one has ever actually been on the hook.

A couple in Tennessee have asked guests at their wedding to give gifts to help the hungry. The worst part is they will instead throw rice at the people lined up at the nearest soup kitchen.

A report says Wall Street bonuses were down 9% last year to an average of $146,000. You know it’s bad when even the top executives are cutting back to lighting their Cuban cigars with only $20 bills.

Toyota is developing a wearable mobility device to help the blind. Now if they could just come up with something that will help the people driving their cars while they are busy texting.

The New York Drone Film Festival has opened. It features more droning than a movie featuring Liam Neeson and Kate Winslet.

A report says that Marco Rubio’s advisers are telling him to quit his presidential campaign before the Florida primary this month. Which unfortunately is the first good advice they have given him since he declared his candidacy.

Catholic activists are appealing to voters to not vote for Donald Trump. Mostly as Christian groups have trouble supporting anyone who will never know what it is like to actually ask for forgiveness.

A study says that Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz are the two most partisan Senators. Which makes sense because in this political climate there is no hope for anyone who actually knows the meaning of the word “compromise.”

The soft porn actress who appeared in a commercial for Ted Cruz has come out in support of Donald Trump. Well, there is one vote that was swayed by the new issue of which candidate has the largest anatomy.

The Broward County, Florida Sun Sentinel newspaper has decided to not endorse any Republican candidates in the primary. Mostly because the fact that Trump, Cruz and Rubio are still in the race shows that nobody even reads the newspaper anymore.

The FEC says that thousands of Bernie Sanders’ campaign contributions could be illegal. Apparently he needs to go mainstream like everyone else and get his money the old fashioned way. Through generous billionaire donors with an agenda.

President Obama paid tribute to Charlie Brown and the “Peanuts” gang in a forward for a new book. Although people need to be aware that when he talks about “Snoopy” he means the people who work for him over at the NSA.

A survey says that 90% of Nevada residents say their state is a good place for immigrants. Especially casino bosses who need people who are willing to work the buffet tables and not be able to vote for a minimum wage increase.

A survey says that 90% of Nevada residents say their state is a good place for immigrants. Which is only beaten by the 100% of people in California, Arizona and Texas who also feel Nevada is a good place for immigrants.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The good news is there are four more Republican primaries today. That means plenty more material for jokes. The bad news is that it could mean more candidates dropping out which takes away half the headlines I can use. There is no justice. But there still is a way to make my day better, and that is when you all remember to take the time to make sure to always send the love!

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