Sunday, March 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Psychologists say they are treating patients for “Trump anxiety” over fear that Donald Trump may be elected President. Although the psychologists say they are actually more concerned over the mental health of the people who are planning to vote for him.

Gallup says that President Obama’s approval rate is back up to 51%. It should go all the way up to 100% on the first day people have to deal with Donald Trump as President.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says that America needs to pay more attention to the rest of the world. To which Americans are saying we will just as soon as we try to solve our own problems with the economy, unemployment, education, immigration...

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says that America needs to pay more attention to the rest of the world. Which the rest of the world is saying they will be good if all we do is make sure Donald Trump isn’t the next President.

Ben Carson has officially ended his campaign for President. Although he says it was a great experience, especially when he was able to catch up on his sleep during the debates.

The last big silent movie star has given an interview about her life to The Hollywood Reporter at age 97. The only problem is that her answers all came with piano music playing in the background along with subtitles.

A study says that sex is linked to better brain power after age 50. Which means at this rate Paris Hilton will finally be eligible to join Mensa in another 15 years.

A report says that Americans waste 31% of all food. The good news from that study is that if we didn’t we would all be 31% more obese than we are now.

Soccer rules makers have approved a trial for instant replay. Which answers the question is there any way that they could make soccer even longer and more boring?

Soccer rules makers have approved a trial for instant replay. Although the only question is what would anyone need to see again in a game that takes three hours to end up in a 0-0 tie?

A report says the Flint, Michigan water crisis could cost the U.S. $300 Billion. To which most people are saying why don’t we just buy the entire state of Michigan for $300,000 and call it a done deal?

Scientists say the Arctic sea ice is melting faster than was previously thought. The good news is that researchers know that people will finally become concerned about the effects of global warming when they have to see Al Gore walking around without a shirt.

Utah Senator Mike Lee has blocked a bill that would help Flint, Michigan with their water crisis. Mostly because he figures Utah has gotten by all this time with the biggest water source in the entire state being full of brine.

A Brazilian man was was caught trying to enter the U.S. hidden in the gas tank of an SUV. So far the only answers he has provided to interrogators is his name, country of origin and regular or unleaded.

A Brazilian man was was caught trying to enter the U.S. hidden in the gas tank of an SUV. Apparently he was trying to get to the U.S. to meet his favorite movie star, Vin Diesel.

A frat party at American University in Maryland could lead to fines of up to $275,000 for underage drinking. Frat members aren’t really concerned since that is still way less than what they will be paying on their tuition loans.

A frat party at American University in Maryland involved so much drinking, the ambient air had an alcohol level of .09%. Which may have been a result of someone pouring a fifth of vodka into the Renuzit container.

A frat party at American University in Maryland involved so much drinking, the ambient air had an alcohol level of .09%. Not only that, but frat members just seem more drunk when police make them recite the Greek alphabet backwards.

The National Park Service has rejected a plan to build more than two thousand homes near the Grand Canyon. For one thing, insurance companies were worried about prospective buyers trying to collect on the massive sinkhole in their backyard.

A meth smoking clown was arrested inside a Waffle House in Georgia. Apparently he ended up there after running out of meth and hearing that the Waffle House was a place to get some good hash.

A meth smoking clown was arrested inside a Waffle House in Georgia. Although there is still no word on what happened to the other 40 occupants who were waiting outside in his car.

A meth smoking clown was arrested inside a Waffle House in Georgia. At least you have to give him credit for going to the place where he was the least likely to draw attention to himself.

A report says that new cars may soon be able to be unlocked using a smartphone. Which is good news for the people who locked their keys inside their car because they were completely distracted by what they were doing with their smartphone.

A program at an Illinois jail is teaching inmates how to work inside a kitchen. Inmates are encouraged by being told this is how Gordon Ramsay got his start.

A program at an Illinois jail is teaching inmates how to work inside a kitchen. Some people would say that turning them into pastry chefs is one way to give criminals their just desserts.

A program at an Illinois jail is teaching inmates how to work inside a kitchen. That way anyone who still feels the need to assault others could do it legally after getting released  by taking a job fixing meals at Taco Bell.

A study says that college graduates from a low income background don’t earn as much as students with wealthier parents. Mostly because the whole point of having rich parents is to have a corner office job waiting at daddy’s corporation on graduation day.

A study says that college graduates from a low income background don’t earn as much as students with wealthier parents. Although they won’t be the only ones with a low income background when everyone else gets their first tuition loan bills.

A report says that Millennials have been the biggest losers in the current job market. To which Millennials are saying that isn’t true, just think of all the money they are saving when they get to watch movies while getting paid to be an usher at the local Cinemark.

A report says that Millennials have been the biggest losers in the current job market. To which their parents are saying that won’t really be true until the day they actually go out and get a real job.

A study says that feeding peanuts to babies may protect them against developing allergies. Although it would still be healthier if they knew when they were older they would have to avoid peanut butter cookies, Reese’s Cups and Snickers bars.

A study says that Latin dancing may be good for the heart. Which is pretty much proven by how far those immigrants sneaking across the Mexican border can run without ever being caught.

A report says that Americans make 11 Million visits to the doctor every year because of obesity. Which would be unnecessary if it weren’t for those same people making 500 Million trips every year to McDonald’s.

The Denver Broncos are reportedly ready to move on from Peyton Manning after offering quarterback Brock Osweiler a new $45 Million dollar contract. Apparently the Broncos are asking Manning “But what have you done for us lately?”

The Denver Broncos are reportedly ready to move on from Peyton Manning after offering quarterback Brock Osweiler a new $45 Million dollar contract. The only question is why does an NFL team have two quarterbacks with names that sound more like they were taken off the membership list at the Newport Yacht Club?

A porn star says that 25% of NBA players have dealt with blackmail at some point in their careers. Mostly from their coaches who tell them to play better or they will be traded to the 76ers.

A porn star says that 25% of NBA players have dealt with blackmail at some point in their careers. Which most NBA players are happy to pay since it is so much cheaper in the long run than their affairs that end up costing them child support.

A report says the knife found at O.J. Simpson’s old house is not consistent with the one used in the murders. On the other hand, the knife was missed in the original investigation, ignored and then misplaced for more than 20 years making it perfectly consistent with the rest of the case.

Mets pitcher Jenrry Mejia says Major League Baseball fabricated his second and third positive drug tests. Which means he was only really cheating up until the first time they caught him.

Mets pitcher Jenrry Mejia says Major League Baseball fabricated his second and third positive drug tests. Which is hard to believe seeing as how they could never legitimately prove that Barry Bonds was using after he gained 40 pounds, four hat sizes and started hitting tape measure home runs three years before qualifying for Social Security.

Astronaut Scott Kelly says returning to life on Earth was more difficult than he expected. Apparently no one warned him before he tuned in to watch the most recent presidential debates.

The UN human rights chief is warning the FBI over their attempts to force companies to let them unlock cellphones. People were surprised by the news. The UN is trying to do something about human rights?

The UN human rights chief is warning the FBI over their attempts to force companies to let them unlock cellphones. Apparently they are getting involved with cellphones since having absolutely no success with torture, genocide and sex trafficking.

Astronaut Scott Kelly says he could have stayed longer in space “if there was a good reason.” To which NASA is saying to make sure to tell them as soon has he can come up with one.

Six Flags amusement parks is planning to provide Virtually Reality capability on its roller coasters. To which park goers are saying forget the rides, they want Virtual Reality technology to pass the time for the four hours they have to wait in line each time.

Six Flags amusement parks is planning to provide Virtually Reality capability on its roller coasters. Apparently the Virtual Reality makes people feel like they are actually on some kind of high speed amusement park ride.

Airbnb has hired its first director of diversity. That way the company can make sure the white people who use the site aren’t restricted in any way and have a full spectrum of choice whether it is a house, apartment or condo.

A report says that investors in Donald Trump’s casinos lost 89% of their money. Which means they would have had a better chance of walking away with more if they had instead taken their cash and put it all down on the Roulette table.

Carnegie Mellon University is offering a course to make computer geeks seem less nerdy. The first advice to becoming less nerdy is to not apply to be a student at Carnegie Mellon University.

Carnegie Mellon University is offering a course to make computer geeks seem less nerdy. The first trick is to wear boxer shorts because they don’t leave marks like briefs when the football players give them all wedgies.

A new service called “the Breakup Shop” sends e-mails, texts and phone messages to customers’ significant others to end their relationship. Which is just slightly more inconsiderate than if the person were to end relationships by sending their own e-mail, text or phone message.

President Obama has called for more people with tech talent to get involved with the government. Is that what we really need? The last time he did that we ended up with the Obamacare website.

Carly Fiorina has joined the movement to try to get people to “Dump Trump” and vote for another candidate for the Republican nomination. Of course, the best way she could hurt Trump’s chances of winning is to come out and give him her endorsement.

Carly Fiorina has joined the movement to try to “Dump Trump” and get voters to pick  someone else for the Republican nomination. If anyone could make Trump disappear, it’s the person who laid off 40,000 employees when she ran Hewlett-Packard.

Hillary Clinton offered her economic plan she says is focused on jobs. Mainly the one she wants at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Hillary Clinton offered her economic plan she says is focused on jobs. It was part of a speech she gave in Detroit, where speeches about jobs usually fall under the heading of “nostalgia,” “history lesson” or “fantasy.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Donald Trump has done the impossible. He has gotten people to think about voting for Hillary Clinton for President. The amazing part is that is something even the Democrats can’t do. To paraphrase the old saying, “What if they gave an election and nobody showed up?” We might find out. I am just glad you show up here every day to check out the blog. The only thing better is when you remember to make sure to always send the love!

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