Friday, March 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former Bush Administration Attorney General Michael Mukasey listed possible charges Hillary Clinton could face regarding her private e-mail server. Apparently as Attorney General he spent his time studying e-mail regulations and forgot all about the laws against war crimes, torture and abuse of power.

A survey says that 14% of flight attendants have had sex with passengers inflight. Although most of that was the feeling they got from charging them $8 for a domestic beer.

A national power blackout hit Syria on Thursday. The only question was how could anyone tell?

A “Google for sex” search engine lets Britons search for local prostitutes. We’ve had  that in America for years. It’s called Craigslist.

Scientists have taught monkeys to control a robotic wheelchair using their thoughts alone. What’s interesting is the number one reason most monkeys have to use wheelchairs is from slipping on banana peels.

A report says that more Millennials are using robo advisers on their computers to invest their money. Which they would have more of to invest if they didn’t spend the rest of their time on the computer playing video games and going on social media.

Home flipping is hitting record levels in some hot housing markets. Which is good to know that it only took eight years for us to completely forget everything about what caused the housing crash in 2008.

Doctors say that happiness from events like having a child or birthdays can hurt people’s hearts and actually be lethal. Especially after having a child and realizing there are only 18 years left to save up enough money to send them to college.

Doctors say that happiness from events like having a child or birthdays can hurt people’s hearts and actually be lethal. The good news is that no one over 25 has actually ever been happy to celebrate getting another year older.

Mitt Romney and John McCain have denounced Donald Trump as a danger to democracy. If only there was some way for Republicans to use democracy to beat him, like giving them someone else they actually feel like voting for in the primaries.

Mitt Romney and John McCain have denounced Donald Trump as a danger to democracy. And who better to know how democracy works than the two people who were soundly defeated at the polls by people voting for President Obama?

A judge has ruled that Alabama’s method of implementing the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently juries will no longer be able to sentence a defendant to death with the “they just look real guilty” provision.

NASA says a recent 14 year drought in the Middle East is the worst in 900 years. The only question is how can anyone even tell?

NASA says a recent 14 year drought in the Middle East is the worst in 900 years. Tied for second are the other 886 years.

The NYPD says it will stop arresting people for drinking alcohol and urinating in public in Manhattan. Which has become a problem after the stock market has both good days and bad days.

The NYPD says it will stop arresting people for drinking alcohol and urinating in public in Manhattan. Which is otherwise known as New Year’s Eve in Times Square.

Former soccer player Brandi Chastain says she will donate her brain to Boston University for research into CTE. Although most men are more curious to see when she is going to take off and donate her sports bra.

Costco says that entry level workers will be getting a raise. Which is really good news considering that all jobs at Costco are pretty much entry level.

A report says that Yahoo and ESPN will be competing for coverage of eSports events. Which is sad to know there are people who watch eSports because they aren’t athletic enough to actually be able to play video games themselves.

Boeing says it will make self-cleaning bathrooms the cleanest place on airplanes. Which isn’t that hard to do since it’s hard to find anything dirtier than the planes’ seats, magazine pouches and tray tables.

Boeing says it will make self-cleaning bathrooms the cleanest place on airplanes. Which is good to know for anyone going to use a restroom after it was just used by Ralph Fiennes and the entire flight attendant crew.

A report says the airports at Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and Newark, New Jersey are among the most expensive in the nation for air fares. Mostly because people will pay whatever it takes to get out of Harrisburg and Newark.

Fortune has ranked Google the best company to work for in the U.S. Although the results may be a little skewed as they got their information with a Google search.

Fortune has ranked Google the best company to work for in the U.S. Everyone else falls under the category of “just lucky to even have a job.”

A report says Hillary Clinton’s tax plan would make it more cumbersome for the wealthy to figure out their taxes. Mostly because for the first time since 2000 they might actually have to pay some.

The Obamas are planning to stay in Washington, D.C. after leaving the White House. One reason is to wait for daughter Sasha to finish high school. The second is in case Donald Trump becomes President to have a front row seat to watch the circus.

IKEA has removed window blinds that were determined to be hazardous to children. Apparently they were almost as hazardous as the risk of stroke to their parents when they tried to assemble them out of the box.

Wal-Mart says some customers’ prescription information was visible online to others because of a computer glitch. Which is no big deal since everyone knows Wal-Mart customers all pretty much have prescriptions for Oxycodone, insulin and Valium.

The CDC says that American hospitals are still teeming with infectious bacteria. Fortunately it can be avoided by most patients by just having family or friends bring in food from somewhere other than the hospital kitchens.

The CDC says that American hospitals are still teeming with infectious bacteria. Which could probably be cut down drastically if they would just start giving patients hospital gowns that actually button up in the back.

A study says that food that is higher in protein makes people feel more full. Which explains why they almost feel like they have eaten enough after polishing off an entire extra large deep dish pizza that has a few pieces of pepperoni on top.

A new critique that casts doubt on the results of dozens of psychology studies has caused a deep division in the field. Mostly from researchers who are saying that is just plain crazy.

A new critique that casts doubt on the results of dozens of psychology studies has caused a deep division in the field. What’s really bad is that the divisions in the studies on schizophrenia are usually involving the same person.

A survey says that people are not taking steps to learn about their chances of getting Alzheimer’s Disease or preparing for it. To which the people are saying they were going to but they just keep forgetting.

84 year old Rupert Murdoch and 59 year old model Jerry Hall were married in London. The age difference wasn’t a big deal for her after dating Mick Jagger and being around Keith Richards all those years made Murdoch look like a teenager by comparison.

A study says that some energy drinks may increase users’ blood pressure and change their heart rhythm. Which for most Americans is just from getting up off the couch to walk to the refrigerator to get the drink.

A study says that young adults who are frustrated with high levels of hostility are more likely to have problems with mental speed and agility when they are 50. Which we now know as the people who are showing up at rallies for Donald Trump.

A study says the rate of unintended pregnancies in the U.S. is on the decline for the first time in decades. Which means that Kevin Federline may have finally decided it was time to get the vasectomy.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are telling their son Josh that his best days are still ahead. Mostly because it’s hard to believe that he can’t do anything worse than what he has done in the past.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are telling their son Josh that his best days are still ahead. Which will all depend on the eventual judge, jury and any time he may get off for good behavior.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are still trying to work out a custody arrangement for their 15 year old son Rocco. Apparently they want to figure out who gets weekend visitation rights at least some time before he starts his post graduate degree work.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are still trying to work out a custody arrangement for their 15 year old son Rocco. Even Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are telling them it’s time to make nice.

A producer says that the sequel to the movie “Creed” is in the works. Although he didn’t say if it was for Creed IV, V or VI.

Donald Trump says he won Massachusetts partially because of his friendship with Tom Brady. If only there was some way for Brady to figure out how to let some of the air out of Trump.

Laid off IBM workers are complaining about only being offered one month’s severance pay. The one making the most noise is Watson who is mad about having to dip into his “Jeopardy!” winnings just to keep up to date on his electricity bill.

The San Francisco Bay Area is leading the nation in profitable house flipping. The only problem is racing to fix up a house and sell it before it gets flipped by the San Andreas Fault.

The NFL is asking a court to reinstate Tom Brady’s four game suspension for “Deflategate.” Although at this point it looks like the NFL has the ability to apply about the same amount of pressure as one of Brady’s doctored footballs.

The NFL is asking a court to reinstate Tom Brady’s four game suspension for “Deflategate.” The only question is by the time this case is decided if Brady will have to sit out four games in the sixth of seventh year of his retirement.

People in the UK who set up fake profiles online for “trolling” purposes could face criminal charges. Which pretty much means everyone with an account on Match.com.

Hillary Clinton tweeted about the most recent Republican debate that the longer it goes on, the “scarier it gets.” Which is exactly the same thing that Bill has always said about their marriage.

Donald Trump defended torture at the most recent Republican debate. Which means the right to continue televising to the American public the rest of the debates.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is March 4th, the day that is actually also a command. So now I am resorting to Bennet Cerf gags to try to get a laugh. Hope it worked! It is time for the weekend and a chance for recharging before another round of jokes next week. The only question is who needs the recharging more, I or all of you. I just hope you use some of your down time this weekend to remember to make sure and send the love!

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