Thursday, March 31, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Health officials are looking into the source of a mystery bacteria which has killed 18 people in the Midwest. The only question is how did a Carnival cruise ship make it all the way into Wisconsin and Michigan?

A Russian wedding is rumored to have cost as much as $1 Billion. It was the most expensive wedding since the eventual cost of when Paul McCartney married Heather Mills.

A study says that digital amnesia, where people rely on devices to remember everyday items frees the brain to be more creative. Which is different from marital amnesia, where men hope in vain their wives will forget some of the things they have ever done wrong.

A survey says that women are more religious than men. Except with Donald Trump’s wife Melania used to go to church but now he tells her she can cut out the middle man now and just talk directly to him.

A survey says that women are more religious than men. Except for the men who have been married several years and wonder why their wives never yell out “Oh, God!” anymore.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans support torturing terror suspects. Although the preferred methods are different with some favoring waterboarding, others more partial to sleep deprivation and some pushing for even more extreme measures like making them sit through an entire Adam Sandler movie.

A study says that household spending has increased 25% in the past two decades. Which could be traced to the fact that the average waist size in those families during the same time has gone up 33%.

A report says the weak global economy could threaten government finances. Although in all honesty, how much worse can it make it when Congress has already put us $18 Trillion in the red?

Two men were sentenced for extorting payments for a golf course project in New Jersey. Which is usually held off for when the course is completed and are called “country club dues.”

Two men were sentenced for extorting payments for a golf course project in New Jersey. Not only that, they were trying to get away with claiming a tax break for religious reasons as the 13th hole had become a burial ground for the local mob.

Some first graders in Alaska are being accused of plotting to poison one of their classmates. Apparently the idea involves stealing the other child’s lunch to force them to eat in the school cafeteria.

Donald Trump says he favors punishing women who get illegal abortions. The proposed discipline could range from prison to community service to becoming the fourth Mrs. Trump.

Scientists are doubling their sea level rise estimates with the latest figures on the ice melt taking place in Antarctica. The good news is that there are some great deals to be made in buying future beachfront property in Idaho, Nebraska and Arkansas.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper is opposing President Obama’s plan to transfer prisoners there from Guantanamo Bay. Apparently Hickenlooper is afraid of combining suspected terrorists with the inmates in Colorado who are all a bunch of convicted jaywalkers.

The Governor of Rio de Janeiro says the local finances are “tragic” and that the city may have to sell property to pay for the upcoming Olympics. It’s getting so tight that even the Olympic medals may go from gold, silver and bronze to brass, aluminum and tin.

New York City says it may start regulating costumed performers seeking tips. Although it hasn’t worked for the ones who dress up in costumes and perform in front of crowds for money but have only been a disappointment to Knicks fans for more than 40 years.

A report says the Brussels Airport may take months to fully reopen. Which is good news for United Airlines which is telling its passengers that means their flights will all be right on schedule.

The White House says that even after the iPhone unlocking, Americans should expect privacy. Of course, these are the same people that said Obamacare would allow everyone to keep their doctor and old health care plan.

Chipotle says it is considering launching a new burger chain called “Better Burger.” Although at this point a more likely choice is to name it “Not Chipotle.”

Chipotle says it is considering launching a new burger chain called “Better Burger.” Although the only question is whether there will be signs posted saying “add some E.coli for $1.95.”

A report says homes located near Wrigley Field in Chicago have the 9th highest prices in the nation. The least valuable are the ones located near Comerica Park in Detroit for the only reason that they are located in Detroit.

A company has invented a gun that folds up to look like a smartphone. Ironically, the number one use so far is to shoot other people who won’t put their cellphones away at the movie theater.

A company has invented a gun that folds up to look like a smartphone. The most popular option is to use the text feature to literally be able to put the intended victim’s name on a bullet.

A company has invented a gun that folds up to look like a smartphone. Which is perfect for people who want to shoot themselves after using it to download and watch an Adam Sandler movie.

A study says that only 1 out of 31 car models was found to have good headlights. Which is not an issue in Florida where they only insist on having good blinker lights that won’t burn out even though they are left on the entire time they are being driven around town.

A study says that only 1 out of 31 car models was found to have good headlights. Which is ironic in the fact that the reason most men go to car shows is because the women models showing the cars were hired specifically because of their great headlights.

Baggage handlers and custodians staged a one day strike at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport on Wednesday. Although it isn’t sure if the ploy worked as people who were informed of the action said they thought they had been on strike since 1993.

A study asked people what made for a good death. The overwhelming answer from men was to be shot while in bed at 108 years old by the jealous husband of their 24 year old lover.

A study asked people what made for a good death. The most common answer from women about their husbands is right after they finally save up a million dollars.

A measles case has temporarily shut down a California elementary school. Which angered the students who said if they wanted to be subjected to a childhood disease they would have asked their parents to take them to Disneyland.

A report says the chemical BPA is present in 60% of the cans in the U.S. Which is still healthier than whatever ingredients people are eating when they crack open a can of Spam.

A report says the chemical BPA is present in 60% of the cans in the U.S. The other 40% of cans are BPA free as it is usually done in by all the E.coli, salmonella and botulism.

Former Detroit Lions defensive end Tracy Scoggins is suing the NFL for $5 Million after being diagnosed with CTE. The most damaging evidence that he suffered brain trauma is that he played his entire career in Detroit without being asked to be traded.

Doctors have come up with guidelines for recommended blood pressure levels for children. Remember when kids used to compare their reading level in school and not their diastolic and systolic readings?

Doctors have come up with guidelines for recommended blood pressure levels for children. Remember when referring to young children that “pre” was for preschool and not prehypertension?

Doctors have come up with guidelines for recommended blood pressure levels for children. What’s worse is that their blood pressure is going up because they found out they got bad scores on their tests for cholesterol, blood sugar and bone density.

Khloe Kardashian says her estranged husband Lamar Odom wasn’t aware of the transition of Caitlyn Jenner. Which has millions of people asking to try whatever it was Odom was taking in that Nevada brothel.

A 59 year old Florida man is suing William Shatner for $170 Million, claiming the “Star Trek” actor is his father. Shatner should probably just pay up seeing as what happened to Darth Vader when he went through the same thing with Luke Skywalker.

A 59 year old Florida man is suing William Shatner for $170 Million, claiming the “Star Trek” actor is his father. There hasn’t been a DNA test, but the man says he knows he is Shatner’s son as they have the same eyes, nose and bad hairpiece.

A 59 year old Florida man is suing William Shatner for $170 Million, claiming the “Star Trek” actor is his father. A preliminary hearing has already been scheduled before Judge Judy with the evidence gathered following an appearance on “Maury.”

Nielsen says that Fox News topped all cable networks for a full quarter for the first time ever. Which in college basketball terms is pretty much like missing out on March Madness and taking first at the NIT.

NASCAR driver Derek White is facing charges in the largest tobacco smuggling bust in North America. Not to say he may not be the brightest headlight in the field, but he needs to be told that tobacco has pretty much been legalized since forever.

NASCAR driver Derek White is facing charges in the largest tobacco smuggling bust in North America. Authorities became suspicious when be began using the Skoal Bandit car for trips across the Canadian border.

The State Department is apologizing after sending out a tweet saying that spring breakers should watch out for people paying attention to them if they are not a “10.” To which the answer to that is if you aren’t a “10” on spring break, just give everyone else time to drink a little bit more.

Apple has offered to give each Major League Baseball team free iPad Pros to keep in their dugouts and bullpens. The only problem is deciding which of the Phillies gets to play “Assassin’s Creed” while the bullpen taking another three hours to retire the side.

Apple has offered to give each Major League Baseball team free iPad Pros to keep in their dugouts and bullpens. Which somehow got a lot of publicity for a gift from a billion dollar company to some billion dollar teams that costs all of $800.

Fitbit says that Hawaii has the lowest resting heart rate in the country. At least until the people vacationing there get their hotel, restaurant and bar bill for the week.

Fitbit says that Mississippi has the highest resting heart rate in the country. Which is surprising since all the people pretty much do in Mississippi is sit around and rest.

Fitbit says that Mississippi has the highest resting heart rate in the country. Which is not that surprising when you figure after eating sausage gravy over grits at every meal, eventually the gravy will have the same viscosity as everyone’s blood.

Microsoft says it envisions a future where bots and Artificial Intelligence predicts people’s every need. Which for most computer geeks means asking Cortana to suggest a place for dinner since it’s not like they have a date to help decide.

Microsoft says it envisions a future where bots and Artificial Intelligence predicts people’s every need. Which for men usually means before even asking, Cortana will pull up their favorite porn sites.

 A report says the world’s largest renewable energy developer SunEdison may be going bankrupt. Apparently it just wasn’t enough to tell its workers in California it was going to pay them in sunshine.

A study says that the ocean’s temperature can help predict an east coast heat wave up to 50 days in advance. The first clue is when the Maine lobsters wash up ashore already pretty much boiled and ready to eat.

A report says that colon cancer was discovered in an 18th century Hungarian mummy. And you thought your HMO was slow to approve getting a colonoscopy.

A report says that colon cancer was discovered in an 18th century Hungarian mummy. Which is what happens when you wait 300 instead of the recommended 10 years between colonoscopies.

Researchers say they have developed a system to reduce cyberloafing at work where people are on social media all day. It will let companies go back to the way they used to be, where workers had to gather around the water cooler to gossip.

Apple is still battling the Department of Justice over an encryption case in Brooklyn. Although it turns out that the messages on the iPhone weren’t encrypted at all, it’s just the way the people in Brooklyn speak.

President Obama says that terrorists want to divide the people of the U.S. over religion. Instead of the usual way we are divided by race, money and favorite sports teams.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Final Four is this weekend, and for the first time all the games will be on cable instead of CBS. Mostly because the average viewer at CBS is so old they get a little nervous having a title that contains the word “Final.” Apparently they will replace it with a more fitting sporting event, the annual world championship of shuffleboard. So while you get your cue stick out to practice up on sliding the disk across the court, make sure to take the time and remember to always send the love!

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