Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The FBI was reportedly inundated by hackers offering to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone the past few weeks. Apparently the hackers had nothing to do ever since they showed how easy it was to disable the Obamacare website back in 2013.

Mark Zuckerberg says that spreading “love” can stop ISIS attacks. Just like spreading “love” on Facebook has brought the end to countless relationships and marriages.

McDonald’s has introduced a new slogan, “the simpler the better.” Although it isn’t sure if they mean their food, service or customers who don’t bother to look into what eating at the restaurant does to their health.

North Korea is telling its citizens to prepare for “famine and economic hardship.” In other words, Kim Jong-un is finally starting to improve the country’s lifestyle.

North Korea is telling its citizens to prepare for “famine and economic hardship.” Or as North Koreans normally call that, “Tuesday.”

A study says that the long life expectancy in Japan is linked to their diet. It also shows that in America the life expectancy is also tied to our diet which it turns out is called “fast food” because of how little time we have left after we start eating it.

The CEO of Google just got a pay raise to $100 Million a year. Which is ironic in that it turns out the company’s name came from the plan to eventually make the top executive pay scale a googol.

A report says the CNN election year ratings have gone up by 143%. Which is a coincidence because than number also matches the 143 people who actually still watch CNN.

A report says the CNN election year ratings have gone up by 143%. They finally came to the realization that it’s easier to get an audience by switching from 24 hour coverage of missing planes to showing the riots breaking out at every Donald Trump rally.

A study says the global elderly population will more than double by 2050. Which means that if he doesn’t get the nomination this time, a 106 year old Bernie Sanders will be a shoo-in for the Democratic bid in 2048.

A study says the global elderly population will more than double by 2050. Which means in order to prevent rioting from too many impatient customers, Carrows will have to push back the start time for the Early Bird dinner all the way to 2:00.

A study says the global elderly population will more than double by 2050, with 17% of the population being 65 or older. Which could lead to widespread road carnage in Florida just from all the accidents caused by no one ever turning off their turn signals.

A study says the “five second” rule is a myth for food that falls off the plate. Mostly because the food we are eating today has enough fat, salt and sugar to be deadly no matter how much time it spends on the floor.

A startup called the “Uber of birth control” gets people prescriptions without having to see a doctor. Which is ironic in that Uber is actually its own form of birth control as the pregnancy rate has dropped dramatically ever since people gave up their car and the privacy of having a back seat.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager has been charged with battery after allegedly grabbing a reporter’s arm. Trump says he disavows any responsibility, telling his workers that the only violence is to be used against people supporting Ted Cruz.

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden says that Donald Trump has already made America less safe. Which is ironic in that his plan to “make America great again” as President means undoing all the damage he has caused during the election.

America’s first pro rugby league is looking to attract Millennials as being an alternative sports option. To which Millennials are asking how it can be considered a real sport if it doesn’t include a joystick, touch screen or controller?

Consumer Reports picked the 10 worst cars by category. There would have been more but that was the number of categories that included models made by Fiat Chrysler.

A survey says that half of American voters back Muslim travel bans and patrols of Muslim neighborhoods. The other half get their information from somewhere other than Fox News.

A report says the U.S. has lost 5 Million manufacturing jobs since 2000. The good news is that if all those unemployed people still had a job they would be able to buy those products a lot cheaper now that they are all made with cheap labor overseas.

Delta pilots are seeking a 40% wage increase over the next three years, which their union says will still bring wages up to only 2004 levels. Which sounds good to most people since that was before 2007 when everyone saw their wages cut in half.

Delta pilots are seeking a 40% wage increase over the next three years. So far the airline is bargaining against an actual raise but is willing to let them pass the hat down the aisle for tips during layovers.

Red Robin is rolling out a hamburger with a Ramen bun. It’s for Millennials who can combine the restaurant experience of dining out along with the familiarity of eating alone in their parent’s basement.

Michael Keaton is set to play McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc in an upcoming biopic. There could be a new career move in the making as producers are considering typecasting and offering the role of Ronald McDonald to Chris Christie.

Michael Keaton is set to play McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc in an upcoming biopic. Not to say the idea of a movie about McDonald’s hasn’t caught on with the public yet, but there are signs going up on movie marquees saying “More than 100 film goers served.”

Michael Keaton is set to play McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc in an upcoming biopic. So far the film is set to be scored by Barry Manilow which will consist of an hour and a half of new commercial jingles.

A report reveals doctor DUIs, botched surgeries and other medical horror stories in California. Although in all honesty those were just concerning the cosmetic work done on Tori Spelling.

The WHO says Ebola is no longer a world health emergency. Which means their strategy has been successful that called for just ignoring it until it went away.

An 18 year old UK woman may have to have her leg amputated after surgery on an ingrown toenail. Apparently the surgeon just couldn’t figure out when to stop.

Carnival Cruise Lines has unveiled the first brewery at sea on board a new ship. It will give passengers a chance to down a schooner before their schooner goes down.

Carnival Cruise Lines has unveiled the first brewery at sea on board a new ship. So far the most popular brew is the honey-wheat E.coli pale ale.

An Australian woman has a condition which enables her to remember every detail of her life. As opposed to most women who can only remember every detail of anything their husband has ever done wrong.

A study says that Twitter can help people quit smoking. Not only that, but being obsessed at staring at their cellphone and sending out tweets all day also helps them quit eating, drinking and having a life.

A study says that sitting increases the risk of dying early. Especially if the sitting is mostly done at the counter inside a McDonald’s, Wendy’s or Taco Bell.

Health experts say that one way to stop the spread of Zika is to hand out condoms at airports. Which is also a good idea for flight attendants who are scheduled on the same plane as Ralph Fiennes.

A study says that knowing something bad is more bearable than uncertainty. Which is why so many people still don’t mind booking their flights on United Airlines.

A study says that knowing something bad is more bearable than uncertainty. Which explains why Donald Trump is still so far ahead in the polls.

Researchers say that spending less time online could signal the early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease. Or for men it could also just mean that they can’t look at porn because their wife will be home any minute.

Researchers say that spending less time online could signal the early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for people who were going to Google the symptoms of dementia and forgot why they were on the computer.

The creator of “The Bachelorette” says star JoJo Fletcher thinks “6 or 7” of the contestants are “marriage material.” Which means if that is true, the production may have to stop and relocate their set in Utah.

Declassified NHL memos show league officials were concerned about the impact of fighting on concussions. Although why would anyone think that getting hit hard enough to knock out all their teeth would be enough to cause damage to the brain as well?

Declassified NHL memos show league officials were concerned about the impact of fighting on concussions. Although officials were more upset about the memos being declassified and wondered who ordered them put on Hillary Clinton’s private server.

A report says the Baltimore Ravens tried to buy the name of the Colts for $5 Million back in 1996. While that didn’t work, it’s just a good thing they didn’t go for the offer for $7.35 from Utah to take the name of the “Jazz” off their hands.

Tiger Woods says he is committed to playing in at least one tournament sometime next year. The sad part is that he is now looking at trying to get his game in shape to be ready for when he qualifies to play on the Senior Tour.

Tiger Woods’ former coach Hank Haney says Woods gave up on Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major championships in 2007, before he was injured. Apparently he decided to set his sights at an even higher mark, going after the personal record of Charlie Sheen.

Apple is reportedly under pressure to find out how the FBI was able to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. Like anything else the FBI is able to solve, the most likely answer is the usual “lucky guess.”

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says that a woman will be coming soon to a U.S. currency. While no candidates have been announced, by going with the woman most associated with U.S. currency the obvious choice has to be Kim Kardashian.

The U.S. Energy Information Administration says that electricity sales in the U.S. have fallen in five of the past eight years. Mostly because since the economic crash in 2007 it’s not like anyone needs to run an alarm clock to wake up for work anymore.

The U.S. Energy Information Administration says that electricity sales in the U.S. have fallen in five of the past eight years. It’s getting so bad that even radio stations have cut back on the number of songs they are playing by AC/DC.

A survey says the most expensive Zip Code in the U.S. is in the Hamptons in New York with a median home price of $8.5 Million. Although residents are pleading poverty since those are vacation homes and the prices kept them from buying the mega yacht and private jet they have been hoping for all these years.

T-Mobile is set to launch a data only mobile plan. How bad is it that people are now considered old school when they remember when a phone was used for the feature that actually allowed them to talk to other people?

Donald Trump says he won’t fire his campaign manager after being charged with battery for grabbing a reporter. Mostly because compared with what Trump has been saying on the campaign trail his actions are still considered way more reasonable and rational.

A poll says a majority of Republicans favor a path to citizenship. The only problem is the Republicans who are supporting Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are talking about building a path that leads right back into Mexico.


Academy Award winning actress Patty Duke has died at age 69. She also starred in the TV show "The Patty Duke Show" about a girl in New York City who discovers she has an identical cousin from Scotland. The show was groundbreaking in being the first show to suggest identical cousins could be possible anywhere outside of Alabama.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of the great actress Patty Duke. She won an Oscar at the age of 17. Although she did win it for playing Helen Keller so it wasn’t like she had to memorize any lines. Wow. That one will get me straight into Hell. She was also the star of “The Patty Duke Show” (what a coincidence!) who played identical cousins, the concept of which to my knowledge has still never been fully explained by any experts on genetics. She was also married to John Astin, “Gomez” of “The Addams Family” which is always worth a mention just because it was such a great show. I digress. She was only 69 which is sad to lose someone at that age who still had a lot to offer the world. So if a hot dog also makes you lose control, you might try going to Burger King where they are now offering those on the menu right around the time you remember to make sure to send the love!

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