Thursday, March 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says bright lights in big cities may be contributing to people’s sleep deficits. Researchers say the lights make it harder to fall asleep at night. Or it might have something to do with cities actually providing things worth staying up late for.

A French fashion label has announced a coat that warms itself. Which most people now know as a “coat.”

Pot smokers are set to protest at the White House for marijuana reform. The protest is set for April 2nd, but protesters are being told to show up on March 28th just to make sure they actually get there on time.

Pot smokers are set to protest at the White House to get President Obama to do something about marijuana reform. Which is much more likely than getting any of the pot smoking protesters to actually ever get something done.

Mitt Romney is set to address the state of the 2016 election. How bad is it when the Republicans are asking the candidate who was soundly defeated in 2012 to come in and tell them what they are doing wrong?

Mitt Romney is set to address the state of the 2016 election. Which for most Republicans at this point feel the only way to have a chance at winning the presidency is if Romney uses the occasion to announce he is running again.

A Swiss bank says that a fresh recession will cause a Eurozone collapse. To which the people in Greece, Italy and Portugal are saying “Again?”

Senior republican officials are expressing a fear of Donald Trump becoming the nominee. What they should really be afraid of is that their policies have gotten people so mad that they will actually vote for someone like Donald Trump.

Canadian actress Neve Campbell says Donald Trump is her “biggest fear.” And this is from someone who appeared in all the “Scream” movies.

Rhode Island is debating whether to end solitary confinement of prison inmates. If they really want prisoners to be completely isolated they should just release them and make them continue to live in Rhode Island.

Ben Carson is admitting his presidential campaign is over. He thought it was going to be an easier process. It’s not like running for public office is like brain surgery.

A report says that drug lord “El Chapo” is sleeping badly in a Mexican prison. Which brings up the question as to who actually does sleep well when they are imprisoned in Mexico?

Fiat Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne says he wants Fiat to build a car for Apple. That makes perfect sense as the company has had years of experience building all kinds of lemons.

A Los Angeles skyscraper will come with a 45 foot long glass slide that will be suspended 1,000 feet off the ground. It’s for stockbrokers when the market falls to where they are upset but not enough to actually want to jump.

A Los Angeles skyscraper will come with a 45 foot long glass slide that will be suspended 1,000 feet off the ground. It’s for tourists who want to experience what it’s like to own a hillside home in L.A. during the rainy season.

A new U.S. commander has been named to take over the Afghanistan war. Which in the sports world is the equivalent to being named head coach of the Cleveland Browns.

A new U.S. commander has been named to take over the Afghanistan war. Which is what happens when you get too drunk at a party and hit on the wife of a 5 Star General.

Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy and will close 140 stores after missing out on the recent American fitness boom. Apparently they just didn’t act fast enough to take advantage of the entire seven minutes.

Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy and will close 140 stores after missing out on the recent American fitness boom. However, now that the boom is over they could start over and do much better by reopening as a doughnut chain.

NBC has announced that Willie Geist will take over the Sunday version of “Today.” Which was met by enthusiasm by most viewers who are now interested in asking “Who is Willie Geist?”

NBC has announced that Willie Geist will take over the Sunday version of “Today.” The show will attract the curious who want to see the last white person in the country named “Willie.”

The Emmys have announced a new category of short form shows that run at least six episodes and are 15 minutes or less in length. Apparently Emmy officials made the change to finally give CBS a chance to get in on some nominations.

A new trend for people getting married to ask wedding guests to help pay for the honeymoon instead of buying gifts. Mostly because marriages today can make it past the honeymoon but not long enough to try out the new crock-pot.

San Francisco has raised the legal age for tobacco to 21. Mostly so people will hold off smoking long enough to increase their life expectancy to the average age of retirement in the Bay Area of 93.

A report says that Spanish wine is now the most popular in the world. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that it must have a real kick if it is strong enough to make middle aged men run through the streets being chased by bulls.

A survey says that 60% of Americans feel e-cigarettes should be regulated like tobacco cigarettes. The other 40% were surprised, saying “tobacco is regulated?”

Astronaut Scott Kelly has returned to Earth after nearly a year in space to find out he grew two inches while on the ISS. When the news got out, astronaut applications were immediately filled out by David Spade, Ryan Seacrest and Tom Cruise.

A New Jersey hospital is seeking help to find the identity of a patient who appears to be in his early 60s who was found wandering around Jersey City. They don’t care who he is, they just want to find out if he has a health insurance policy they can bill.

A New Jersey hospital is seeking help to find the identity of a patient who appears to be in his early 60s who was found wandering around Jersey City. Even the patient doesn’t care who he really is, he just needs ID so he can buy a bus ticket out of New Jersey.

A report says a popular blood pressure app gives very inaccurate readings. Although they do tend to get more precise when the user’s blood pressure soars after they realize the app suckered them out of $5.

A study says that lower fruit and vegetable prices might save lives. On the other hand, raising the prices even higher might get people to eat them thinking there must be a reason they cost so much.

A study says that lower fruit and vegetable prices might save lives. Although most people’s fruit and vegetable intake is olive and mushroom pizza, strawberry ice cream and blueberry muffins.

A study says a person’s day to day job can influence their risk of heart disease. Mostly wondering how much longer the job will last before the inevitable layoff and unemployment.

A study says a person’s day to day job can influence their risk of heart disease. Although not as much as having a day to day, day to night and night to night job to try to make ends meet.

A report says that learning a new sport could be good for the brain. Unless that sport is football, hockey or boxing.

A study says a busy brain can delay the symptoms of Alzheimer’s but not the disease itself. Meaning if a person keeps their mind occupied they will already have completed the things they need to get done before they forget what it was they were supposed to be doing.

A study says that drinking a cup of tea a day may help the heart. Which may be some misleading information as the only people who actually want to sit around drinking tea are the people who are already in their 90s.

“Saturday Night Live” producer Lorne Michaels says about Kanye West’s recent rant against the show that he “always just delivers.” Meaning he should be driving a car with a Domino’s sign on top.

Rob Kardashian and his girlfriend Blac Chyna say they want their own reality TV show. Apparently the hook is that they sit around more doing nothing with even less talent than the cast of “The Kardashians.”

A report says that former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in prison. The worst part is that while behind bars he has learned a whole new meaning to be a pitchman for having a sandwich.


A report says that former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in prison, mostly from eating boxes of sweets including Honeybuns. Which coincidentally just happens to be what the other inmates have given him as a nickname. 
 
Bob Dylan’s secret archives containing 6,000 artifacts will be housed in Tulsa. It will be taken there because the person making the deal heard “Oklahoma” when Dylan was actually saying “what’s for breakfast?”

Bob Dylan’s secret archives containing 6,000 artifacts will be housed in Tulsa. Apparently the person in charge of the exhibit decided on Tulsa after talking to Dylan on the phone and mistakenly thought he was saying he was Billy Ray Cyrus.

Nickelodeon wants Cam Newton to host a TV show. The working title so far is “Carolina Panthers Versace Pants.”

A report says that the legal costs of Deflategate could reach $20 Million. The only way it could have been more costly is if Michael Jordan had claimed “Deflategate” as a trademark.

A report says that the legal costs of Deflategate could reach $20 Million. That doesn’t even factor in the additional cost from inflation.

A report says buses in Maryland are equipped to record passengers’ conversations. Or as most people call Maryland bus conversations, “evidence.”

Documents show that Osama bin Laden wanted American youths to fight climate change. Which means that he didn’t order the World Trade Centers to be taken down because of jihad, he just wanted to plant some more trees in Manhattan.

Super Tuesday resulted in an all time high Google search for the phrase “move to Canada.” Which means the Prime Minister of Canada is now the one thinking it might be time to build a border wall.

A study says that 70% of corporate board members say CEO pay is fair. Mostly because the corporate board members are hoping if their CEO screws up the company any more they will have a chance to be the one to get their hands on that paycheck.

A study says that 75% of Americans think CEOs are overpaid. Especially the ones who think it’s wrong to pay someone $40 Million a year with the sole purpose of keeping all their workers at minimum wage.

AOL cofounder Jim Kimsey has died at age 76. He actually died three months ago but the information took 90 days to download onto the Internet.

Several New Jersey legislators are calling for Chris Christie to either serve New Jersey or quit. Which means picking either one would actually include the other.

Ben Stein says that Donald Trump is “dangerously misinformed.” Although still not as much as the people who are still supporting his nomination.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Ben Carson has dropped out of the presidential race. It will be sad when someone actually breaks the news to him. I will miss all the candidates who have left the race. The fewer the candidates, the more work to find funny material. I’ll just have to put in the extra time to make up for it. Hopefully, you all will put in the extra time it takes to make sure to send the love!

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