Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says the busier people are, the more likely they are to complete tasks. Mostly because when their bosses see they actually get things done, they all keep them even busier by piling more work on them.

A study says the busier people are, the more likely they are to complete tasks. Possibly because they are busy from actually getting things done instead of doing studies about how they get things done.

A report says manmade earthquakes are putting millions of Americans at risk. Especially the ones in New Jersey caused when Chris Christie stomps his feet thinking about getting beat by Donald Trump.

A study says that Oklahoma is at much at risk of earthquakes as California. The good news is that now when a trailer park is moved down the street by a tornado, the earthquakes come along and move them right back.

A study says that Oklahoma is at much at risk of earthquakes as California. All they need is an ocean, sushi restaurants and a lot of skinny women walking around with fake boobs and Botox smiles and no one will be able to tell the difference.

A book says that designer laboratory babies will make reproductive sex unnecessary in another 20 to 40 years. Although it will still be the method of choice for any girls who want to audition for the latest season of “Teen Mom.”

A book says that designer laboratory babies will make reproductive sex unnecessary in another 20 to 40 years. That, and by then Kevin Federline will be close enough to retirement age where he might also be thinking of slowing down a bit.

A survey says that 80% of Americans think their job will still be around in 50 years. Which is good since they will still need to be working at it by then to be able to finally save enough money to retire by the time they are 90.

A survey says that 80% of Americans think their job will still be around in 50 years. The other 20% say their job is still here now, only it was given to someone who is younger, less expensive and living in India.

The Secret Service it will not allow open carry of firearms at the Republican National Convention despite thousands signing petitions. They realize it would be chaos as no one would be able to resist firing off a few rounds just during the balloon drop.

An American Airlines pilot was arrested for being drunk before a flight from Detroit. Authorities were shocked that would happen. Usually pilots get drunk when they are told they will be flying into Detroit.

An American Airlines pilot was arrested for being drunk before a flight from Detroit. Authorities were shocked that would happen. It turns out that he mistook the “AA” on the plane as a meeting place for Alcoholics Anonymous.

A 65 year old UK woman was rescued after swimming four hours trying to reach the cruise liner she thought her husband had boarded. The worst part of the ordeal was after all that effort she still missed getting in line for the Mexican buffet.

California will raise the state’s minimum wage to $15 an hour by 2022. Which is great news for any of the L.A. Clippers who are paid their salary based on job performance.

California will raise the state’s minimum wage to $15 an hour by 2022. Which is good news for all the minimum wage workers who in another six years will be able to make enough to at least get half way up to the poverty line.

A shortage of vanilla could bring a price surge to products that use the flavoring. Unfortunately for his music label, it isn’t going to have any effect on the pricing or number of sales of the leftover stockpiles of the records of Vanilla Ice.

A report says that Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer could get $37 Million if the company is sold. Mostly just as a bonus from investors for actually getting someone to take it off their hands.

A report says that Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer could get $37 Million if the company is sold. Which finally would explain where the company got its name.

The Governor of Georgia has decided to veto a controversial religious freedom bill passed by the state legislature. The state will revert back to its usual religious freedom statute saying anyone has the right to be a Protestant, Methodist or Baptist.

The Governor of Georgia has decided to veto a controversial religious freedom bill passed by the state legislature. The state will just continue with its current religious beliefs that a person has the right to walk into any denomination church while wearing a white hood.

Revlon has named Fabian Garcia as its new CEO. Apparently the company decided it was just time for a makeover.

Three new buildings are going up around Wrigley Field in Chicago. The city approved the construction after it was shown that the buildings wouldn’t be blocking the public from being able to see anything of interest, like a World Series pennant.

A survey says that 60% of young adults under 30 are saving at least 5% of their income. The other 40% can’t save as much since their parents are charging them at least a little rent to live in their basement.

A survey says that 60% of young adults under 30 are saving at least 5% of their income. Not only that, but many are also able to pay off at least some of their college tuition loans with the tip money that goes along with their salary delivering pizzas.

A study says that heart patients who skip taking blood pressure medications are at risk of having a stroke. Not as much as when they go to the pharmacy to get their pills and get a look at the bill.

A new blood test can reportedly detect concussions days after the injury. Especially when the blood for the test is easy to collect because it is dripping out of the patient’s eyes, ears and nose.

A study says that out of hospital births are on the increase in the U.S. Mostly because people with no health insurance find it is much more affordable to call a taxi, have the cabbie help with the delivery and the only out of pocket money is for the fare and a tip.

A study says the Mediterranean diet is linked to a lower risk of hip fractures. Except for people who fall after slipping in the olive oil they spilled all over their tiled kitchen floor.

A study says that cancer patients who die at home live longer. Mostly because since they aren’t being billed for a room in the hospital they actually have some money left over to pay for some medication.

Kiefer Sutherland has launched his country music debut video. As if playing Jack Bauer on “24” didn’t allow him to inflict enough torture on innocent victims.

Melissa Etheridge says she considered Brad Pitt as a sperm donor before choosing David Crosby. Which is really going to haunt her in another ten years when her kids find out and say “We could have looked like BRAD PITT?”

Melissa Etheridge says she considered Brad Pitt as a sperm donor before choosing David Crosby. Which is no big deal as every other woman in America had that same thought before winding up with their eventual mate.

58 year old comedian Jon Lovitz has gone public with his engagement to 27 year old actress Jessica Lowndes. Mostly because he is 58 years old, is engaged to a hot 27 year old and wants everyone to know it.

Charlie Sheen’s former girlfriend Bree Olsen says it has been difficult leaving the adult film industry and transition into mainstream life. Mostly because it’s hard to have a real job when you have to remember things like actually having to get dressed for work.

Charlie Sheen’s former girlfriend Bree Olsen says it has been difficult leaving the adult film industry and transition into mainstream life. Although after all that experience you would think she would be perfect taking a job in Washington, D.C. as a lobbyist.

Charlie Sheen’s former girlfriend Bree Olsen says it has been difficult leaving the adult film industry and transition into mainstream life. The transition from porn actress is no problem. It’s trying to live a normal life after being involved with Charlie Sheen.

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay compared the risk of playing football to the possible side effects of taking aspirin. And if anyone knows about taking aspirin, it is the owner who still has headaches about letting Peyton Manning play his last four years in Denver.

A new app called “Never 10” prevents Microsoft from updating PCs with Windows 10. Although it isn’t necessary for computers run by Windows Vista which Microsoft has given up trying to update while waiting for them to finally finish booting up.

A study says that women computer programmers earn 72 cents on the dollar compared with men. Which most of them are good with because the job also comes with the benefit of never being distracted with actually wanting to ever date any coworkers.

A study says that women computer programmers earn 72 cents on the dollar compared with men. It’s just too bad they don’t have the technical ability to actually ever get on a computer to read studies that are there for everyone to see on the Internet.

Apple has released a new version of their iOS 9.3 operating system after it caused problems with older devices. To which Apple says it’s the device owners’ faults for going more than three months without buying the latest iPhone upgrade.

Apple has released a new version of their iOS 9.3 operating system after it caused problems with older devices. Which is good news for FBI agents who are still having problems getting their iPod nanos to work.

A study says that New York City is the most expensive city in which to operate a car, with a cost of $1.53 a mile. Which is actually only 32 cents a mile without counting how much it costs to get a car back after being towed for illegal parking.

A study says that New York City is the most expensive city in which to operate a car, with a cost of $1.53 a mile. Which probably doesn’t come as a shock to the three people in Manhattan who actually have tried owning a car in the city.

Maine is asking President Obama not to ban attempts to stop imports of lobsters into Europe after the American crustacean was found in the waters off Sweden. Which means that U.S. industries are now being hurt even by illegal American immigrants.

A survey says that half of web users are upset if a site takes two seconds to load and move on if it takes more than three seconds. Fortunately for the Obamacare website, the other half was willing to wait six months to navigate all the way to the end.

A company will soon offer balloon rides to the edge of outer space for $75,000. Which sounds reasonable until it is revealed there is an airline style additional fee of $100,000 in case any passengers want to order some inflight oxygen.

Live streaming company Periscope has been in business a year and says it has featured 200 Million live broadcasts. Even more amazing, the seven that didn’t feature cats actually had some people who were broadcasting while wearing clothes.

A report says Netflix has dropped 33% of its films and 26% of its TV shows in the past two years. Mostly because they realized they could cut their library by half and still have enough material to satisfy even the most radical binge watchers for the next 20 years.

President Obama says the vulgar Republican speech is “tarnishing the American brand.” People were surprised. There is still an American brand?

Hillary Clinton lambasted the GOP for creating “extremist” candidates like Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. How radical has the party gotten when George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Mitt Romney are now considered middle of the road?

A report says that Arctic sea ice is at its lowest level since 1979. It’s getting so bad that SeaWorld is disbanding its orca program not because of public protests but because it will be a lot easier to feature shows with displaced polar bears.

A woman was arrested at the White House Easter egg roll after moving a temporary security barrier. Which the way the Secret Service guards the White House, even the spiked iron perimeter fence is now considered a temporary security barrier.

A woman was arrested at the White House Easter egg roll after moving a temporary security barrier. Which is no surprise because most parents would move a Sherman Tank out of the way if they thought it was hiding a plastic egg containing the top prize.

 Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is expected to announce his presidential endorsement today. Which if he wants to be different than everyone else in the country he would say his vote is for Scott Walker.

The FBI has dropped its fight with Apple over opening the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. They are now taking on a much bigger fight with Apple in trying to make them start supplying people with a charging cord that is more than 18 inches long.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, March is nearly over and it has been quite a month for me. I received my black belt in Karate two weeks before turning 60 years old. That was no accident. That was all part of a long time plan to coincide the two events so that I now have the ability to karate chop my way to the front of the line at the Early Bird dinner at Carrows. Hi-yah! When you see me headed to the buffet, I suggest you all move aside. And if that isn’t enough to appease me, the best way to keep me happy is to make sure to remember to always take the time to send the love!

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