Sunday, March 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Mariah Carey canceled a concert in Brussels due to safety concerns. If she wanted to clear out any terrorists and most of the audience, all she had to do was start the performance by showing a few scenes from “Glitter.”

A drone has made a delivery to a residential area for the first time in the U.S. near Reno, Nevada. The package contained food, water and first aid, which were ordered in case the home’s residents were ever hit by something dropped by a drone.

A bird landed on the podium where Bernie Sanders was giving a speech in Oregon. Supporters saw it as a sign or an omen, while detractors say the bird just mistook the 74 year old politician for a statue.

A poll says only 30% of Republicans say the presidential election process is working as it should. Apparently the other 70% are pleased with taking four years and a billion dollars in spending to end up with four candidates no one wants to vote for.

A poll says only 30% of Republicans say the presidential election process is working as it should. Mostly because they figure the odds are astronomical about ever seeing a repeat of what happened in the 2000 election.

A poll says only 30% of Republicans say the presidential election process is working as it should. The other 70% would be OK if there was some way to keep Florida from taking part in the vote.

A mini sub carrying more than 5 tons of cocaine worth $200 Million was intercepted in the eastern Pacific Ocean. Authorities became suspicious when another submarine arrived ahead of it carrying a mirror and 15,000 straws.

The Rolling Stones gave a free concert in Havana, Cuba on Friday. Although tickets were so much in demand that scalpers were reportedly selling backstage passes to the show for as much as two chickens and a loaf of bread.

The Rolling Stones gave a free concert in Havana, Cuba on Friday. They were invited by Fidel Castro so he could stand up on stage next to Keith Richards and show the people by comparison he hasn’t aged so badly after all.

A study says that a third of kids in the UK spend less time outside than prison inmates. Mostly because the weather in England is more dark and dank than staying in a cell all day.

A study says that a third of kids in the UK spend less time outside than prison inmates. Mostly because after watching BBC TV programming and eating haggis every night for dinner, the kids are thinking “What’s the difference?”

A report says that children as young as seven are sexting. Mostly the ones who are pretty sure that cooties can’t be transmitted over a smartphone.

A report says that children as young as seven are sexting. Fortunately, most of the pictures are going to an account that has been shut down at jared@subway.com.

A Pennsylvania woman who faked being a lawyer for nearly a decade was discovered after she was about to be made a partner in her law firm. She is facing six years in jail, depending on whether she can get the venue changed to the court of a fake judge.

A Pennsylvania woman who faked being a lawyer for nearly a decade was discovered after she was about to be made a partner in her law firm. She was caught after making the rookie mistake of only billing for the hours she actually worked.

Microsoft is apologizing after its AI chat bot named Tay went on a racist, sexist rant. It didn’t really get bad until Tay revealed that for the past six months Siri has been having a torrid affair with Watson.

ISIS is reportedly filling posts through social media. Which is really bad for people who go to click “like” on a cat video and somehow ending up wearing a suicide bomb vest.

Military officials are reportedly pushing for an increase in the number of U.S. troops in Iraq. Apparently there are a few billion dollars left in the Pentagon coffers they need to burn up so they don’t lose it when Congress puts together next year’s budget.

A survey says that mental health stigmas are shifting with people becoming more accepting of people with behavioral issues. Apparently it has to do with the millions of Americans who have watched at least part of this year’s presidential debates.

A report says that faith-based films are gaining a following at the box office. Until now, the only time prayer was heard in movie theaters was when filmgoers asked for divine intervention to get the $8 back they just wasted on an Adam Sandler movie.

Data says that Americans bought $823 Million in candy before Easter, more than they spent at Halloween. Mostly because the have extra money to spend without having to rent an extra large costume to fit over all the fat they gained from eating so much candy.

Studies say that young people prefer to use message apps over e-mail. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Now you tell me.”

Netflix says it has been sending lower quality video to mobile users with AT&T and Verizon. Especially AT&T customers who would think something is wrong if they ever received any service from the company actually had any quality.

An Illinois car dealer is suing Fiat Chrysler for inflating its sales reports. Mostly because it turns out the people in Illinois are too smart to be suckered into buying anything made by Fiat or Chrysler.

The Governor of Georgia is under pressure to veto an anti-LGBT bill on his desk. Which shouldn’t be any big deal except for the three members of the LGBT community who still actually live in Georgia.


 A graduate of the Thomas Jefferson School of Law in California who was suing the school for fraud lost her case. The good news is she can use the fact that she lost the case as further evidence when she files an appeal.

A Texas home damaged by a tornado was mistakenly destroyed by a demolition crew getting the wrong address on Google Maps. Apparently they made the mistake of going there before the next tornado was able to move the house back to its original location.

A survey says that nearly all U.S. doctors overprescribe narcotic painkillers. Mostly so by the time they come down from the prescription the statute of limitations has run out for them to sue the doctor for what they did wrong.

A survey says that nearly all U.S. doctors overprescribe narcotic painkillers. Mostly so they can get the patients so high they stop coming into the doctor’s office each week to tell them about their newest complaint.

A study says that brain stimulation may help people with anorexia. Which is the exact opposite of all the other people who are obese because their brain only becomes stimulated each time they pass a Krispy Kreme store.

A study says that high lead levels have been found in some chocolates. To which millions of women are saying “So?”

A survey says that 62% of Americans say that drugs are a problem in their community. Not drug abuse, but not having health insurance or enough money to afford the prescriptions they need.

A survey says that 62% of Americans say that drugs are a problem in their community. The other 38% couldn’t take the survey because they were heading out to get pizza after stopping by the nearest medical marijuana dispensary.

A study says that heart attack patients are getting younger and fatter. Remember when grandparents, parents and their children considered family activities as going to baseball games and the park and not the cardiologist’s office?

The Spice Girls are reportedly planning a 20th anniversary reunion tour. Which comes at the same time as their 19th anniversary of the last time anybody actually heard a Spice Girls song.

Actress Ariel Winter says Kim Kardashian promotes a positive body image. Mostly in the fact that she is positive that everyone in the world has seen at least one picture of her body completely naked.

Actress Ariel Winter says Kim Kardashian promotes a positive body image. Which helps women who feel bad about their bodies knowing they can look like Kim Kardashian as long as they can afford Botox, tummy tucks and breast implants.

Former Raiders football players have donated their brains for CTE research to honor former quarterback Ken Stabler. Although no matter how much brain damage they suffer playing football, they still come up way short of what is exhibited every Sunday by their fans.

Dodger Stadium guards have been arrested for the theft of some players’ bats and jerseys. The guards were suspected as they were the only people who arrived before the third inning and stayed after the sixth.

Notre Dame basketball coach Mike Brey injured his calf on the sidelines during the team’s win over Wisconsin. It was just the latest in a string of accidents involving  coaches hurt trying to dodge being doused by the team’s Gatorade bucket.

The Golden State Warriors set a single season NBA record with 938 three point baskets. Which would only be at 932 if it weren’t for the six treys that were poured in by team members other than Stephen Curry.

True has introduced a 48” refrigerator costing $20,000. The good news is that the box is big enough for the family to move into after they go into foreclosure after missing several payments because they spent $20,000 on a refrigerator.

Data says that Windows 10 is now used on a fifth of all Windows-powered devices in the U.S. The biggest exception is all the computers using Windows Vista that will switch over to Windows 10 as soon as their users can actually get them to boot up again.

NASA says a permanent colony on Mars is “a long ways down the road.” First they have to find a crew of astronauts gullible enough to climb aboard a NASA rocket they actually believe has a chance of making it all the way to Mars.

A new Apple “nightshift” feature allows users to change the color of Apple devices away from the blue spectrum to improve their ability to sleep. Although the best way for them to get a better night’s sleep is to make sure their wives don’t see who they are messaging on Facebook late at night.

Apple has announced its first original show for the Apple TV box, an unscripted show about apps. It promises all the plot twists and action of the Home Shopping Network along with the eyeball catching interest of C-SPAN.

23,000 people have signed a petition to allow firearms inside the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in July. Mostly because they want to go back to picking a candidate the old fashioned way by giving a gun to both Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

23,000 people have signed a petition to allow firearms inside the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in July. After that, all they need to do to give the gathering record TV ratings is to also make arrangements for an open bar.

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden says that Donald Trump gives waterboarding a bad name. But only if the person being waterboarded isn’t Donald Trump.

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden says that Donald Trump gives waterboarding a bad name. Which is a shame after all the work the CIA did to make torture a respectable part of the American lexicon.

A poll says that Americans want a hearing for President Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court. Even more would like to see a hearing for all the members of Congress who keep refusing to do their job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very happy Easter. I had a long weekend of celebrating because of my birth which was two days before that. Although even eating all those chocolate eggs couldn’t make me forget about turning yet another year older. Ugh. The one thing I still have going for me is when you all take the time to remember to make sure to always send the love!

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