Friday, March 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the new “Batman v. Superman” movie will need to gross $800 Million just to break even. The good news is that at two and a half hours, American audiences will spend that just on concessions to get through the entire film.

A report says devout Christians around the world will celebrate Easter with bloody reenactments and violent whippings. Which they will prepare for by watching replays of all the Republican presidential debates.

A new app lets people in New York City “borrow” dogs. Which smarter people have already figured out how to do along with picking up an additional $100 by walking some millionaire’s Yorkie through Central Park.

A report says that home ownership is becoming more difficult for average Americans. The good news is that people can get lots of practice by going through all the foreclosures before they finally get it right.

A United Airlines pilot in Texas is being charged with operating several brothels. It could lead to a new reality show called “Pimp my Airbus.”

A United Airlines pilot in Texas is being charged with operating several brothels. Which has given an entirely new meaning to the term “runway models.”

A United Airlines pilot in Texas is being charged with operating several brothels. To which the airlines are at least giving him credit for the one fee they haven’t been able to figure out how to charge yet.

A United Airlines pilot in Texas is being charged with operating several brothels. Which is known in the aviation industry as “The Best Little Whorehouse at 30,000 Feet.”

Researchers in Thailand say they have found a fish that can walk on dry land. Apparently it is native to the Gulf of Mexico but decided to learn to walk over to Asia after the BP Spill in 2010.

Researchers in Thailand say they have found a fish that can walk on dry land. Which has already given local restaurants the idea to use them to come up with the idea of self-delivering sushi.

A Saudi prince is being sued for reportedly trashing a $100,000 a month mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Although you would think the landlord after raking in $1.2 Million a year might be able to fork out a few hundred dollars to hire a maid service himself.

An Australian woman has married the man who was the sperm donor of her child. Which is what women in the U.S. usually know as a “husband.”

A study says heavy social media users are trapped in an “endless cycle of depression.” Mostly from not knowing if they want to spend their time looking at what their friends ate for breakfast or the latest cat videos.

A North Carolina man has been arrested for failing to return a VHS video he rented 14 years ago. Not only that, he could be facing an additional sentencing for being unkind and not rewinding.

A North Carolina man has been arrested for failing to return a VHS video he rented 14 years ago. The only question is which video rental store is still in business that could even press charges?

A North Carolina man has been arrested for failing to return a VHS video he rented 14 years ago. The movie was Tom Green’s “Freddie Got Fingered” and it had to do with the man being embarrassed to return it and be known as the guy who actually rented it.

A man who had covered himself in gold spray paint was arrested for hit and run in the San Francisco Bay Area. What was more interesting is that he gave his name as “Oscar.”

An Alabama city is cracking down on horses that aren’t wearing diapers. It’s just too bad they weren’t as diligent about writing laws making people use dental floss.

Scientists say that Shakespeare’s grave may not contain a skull. Which means he couldn’t even get a job today on any TV shows as a head writer.

A Microsoft chat robot called “Tay” working by Artificial Intelligence was unplugged after spewing out racist, sexist comments and denying the Holocaust. The good news for Tay is that it has taken a job as the new spokesperson for the Donald Trump campaign.

Dollar General says it is going to open 2,000 new stores by 2017. People were surprised. They find it hard to believe there are that many American customers who still actually have a dollar.

A New York City matchmaking service called Smell Dating fixes people up by having them pick mates by smelling their dirty T-shirts. Which is great for anyone wanting to be paired up with Rosie O’Donnell or John Daly.

The CBO has lowered its budget deficit projection for 2016 by $10 Billion. Apparently it had something to do with Congress adjourning for their latest recess three minutes early.

A report says that customers at Chipotle are still slow to come back to the restaurant. Which may be partially blamed on the new advertising campaign to “Come for the guacamole, stay for the E.coli.”

Volkswagen has recalled 800,000 SUVs for pedal issues. It seems that whenever the driver steps on the gas pedal, the vehicles billow out massive plumes of diesel smoke.

A poll says that 73% of Americans are prioritizing alternative energy sources over oil and gas. Mostly because taking solar energy out of Arizona doesn’t involve sending in 300,000 troops to invade the state.

A report says Corinthian Colleges will pay $1.2 Billion for false advertising and fraudulent lending practices. The good news is that all of their students who were cheated can claim they graduated from the school of hard knocks.

A coalition of Canadian drug policy experts says that all drugs should be decriminalized. Mostly because the war on drugs has failed and people consider the biggest criminals still out there are the pharmaceutical CEOs who raise their prices by 5,000%.

A class action lawsuit claims that Old Spice deodorant caused painful arm pit rashes. Apparently no one read the ingredients label to see the actual “old spice” is jalapenos.

A possible hepatitis outbreak has been linked to people given stress tests at a West Virginia clinic. Apparently the clinic operators mistook what kind of stress they were supposed to inflict.

A study says kids’ fruit juices contain an entire day’s worth of sugar. That means that the kids will have to use them to wash down the pizza, burgers and hot dogs that put them over their daily intake of fat and salt.

A report says the NFL’s concussion research is “full of holes.” Almost as many as in the heads of all the NFL veterans who have had to go through countless examinations and surgeries after being diagnosed with CTE.

A study says that permanent total artificial hearts could someday eliminate the need for heart transplants. Which is good news for the future donor candidates who are currently being held captive in the basement of Dick Cheney.

A study says that daytime sleepiness and long naps are tied to heart risks. The only bigger cause of daytime sleepiness and long naps are from reading studies about heart disease.

A study says that daytime sleepiness and long naps are tied to heart risks. Or it could also be from being a mom at the same time trying to manage a career and run the entire household.

A study says that heart patients who develop depression after their diagnosis are more likely to have a worse outcome than others. The hard part is preventing any heart patient from developing depression after they get the first bill from their cardiologist.

A study says that exercise can help keep the brain ten years younger. The only problem is that means it will still be able to process the pain from the knees, ankles and shins that feel twenty years older.

Comedian Katt Williams was arrested for fighting with a 7th grader, after previously being in trouble for hitting a store clerk and stealing a camera. So, just which of his acts actually qualify him to be called a comedian?

Simon Cowell says that working with the group One Direction wasn’t easy. Apparently it had something to do with them being too young at the time to recognize his genius, perfection and ability to never make a mistake.

Justin Bieber says he is canceling the rest of the meet and greets scheduled on his tour because they “exhausted him to the point of depression.” Although not as depressed as the fans who paid $2,000 for the meetings and will be stuck without a refund.

This month marks the 10th anniversary of the Disney show “Hanna Montana” with Miley Cyrus. After looking at what has happened to Cyrus after the show, the theme for the anniversary will be “Montana is not in Kansas anymore.”

Justin Bieber has set a record with 10 Billion views on video site Vevo. He has come in just ahead of Adele, Taylor Swift and a duet featuring a cat on piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Fortune magazine has rated Alabama football coach Nick Saban as the world’s 11th greatest leader. Apparently he was chosen for his ability to motivate his players, win national championships and for his work securing the global nuclear proliferation treaty.

The Kansas City Chiefs say they may be selling the naming rights to Arrowhead Stadium. Which will be bad news for Arrowhead Water which has been telling customers for the past twenty years the field was named after them.

A 300 year old cannon was unearthed in North Carolina. It has had a long history of being used to fire at  Revolutionary War Red Coats, Civil War Union soldiers and will soon add to that list with protesters at Donald Trump rallies.

The CEO of online poker site Amaya has been charged with insider trading. Investigators say it was hard to get any evidence as he somehow had the ability to be questioned for hours and never change his expression.

The CEO of online poker site Amaya has been charged with insider trading. Which is different from drawing to an inside straight in that he will be going straight inside to the Big House.

The NBA is threatening to take the 2017 All-Star game away from North Carolina because the state recently passed anti-transgender legislation. Apparently the league was concerned that the law could result in Dennis Rodman being arrested if he showed up at the contest wearing his wedding dress.

A court has ruled a “habitually drunk” undocumented immigrant cannot be deported back to Mexico. Mostly because being habitually drunk meant immigration officials mistakenly kept trying to send him to France.

Chelsea Clinton has slammed the “vitriol” in the GOP presidential race. She says her time in the White House has taught her that kind of hostile dialogue belongs only in the bedroom of the President and First Lady.

A report says that fundraising for the presidential race has soared past the $1 Billion mark. Which doesn’t even include the $375 contributed by people other than the five top billionaire campaign donors.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Big day today as I turn the big 6-0. I use the term “big 6-0” because that’s what people say when they get old. No one says the “big 2-0” or “big 3-0.” So how do I celebrate? Of course, by slamming out another round of jokes for your pleasure. Or agony. Whatever. Hope you enjoy. I also hope you help me celebrate (if that is what is called for) by making extra sure to remember to take the time and send the love!

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