Thursday, March 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says a majority of Republicans want the party to unite behind Donald Trump. Which would be easy to do if it weren’t for all the things said and proposed by Donald Trump.

A poll says a majority of Republicans want the party to unite behind Donald Trump. If only it were as easy as it is for everyone else who has been uniting against Donald Trump.

Palo Alto is studying a proposal that would subsidize housing for people making up to $250,000 a year. Which makes sense as in a neighborhood that has people like Mark Zuckerberg worth $36 Billion, the poverty line starts somewhere around $400 Million.

Palo Alto is studying a proposal that would subsidize housing for people making up to $250,000 a year. Which doesn’t sound surprising in a place where even the local soup kitchens require a jacket, tie and reservations.

Palo Alto is studying a proposal that would subsidize housing for people making up to $250,000 a year. Which doesn’t sound surprising in a place where even the local soup kitchens offer valet parking.

Scientists say they have figured out how to upload information directly into the brain. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Youtube.

An American Mormon missionary who was injured in the Brussels attack also survived the Boston Marathon bombing and Paris terrorist attack. Even his dashboard Jesus is saying “You’re really starting to push it.”

An American Mormon missionary who was injured in the Brussels attack also survived the Boston Marathon bombing and Paris terrorist attack. Although he says it still beats riding a bicycle and ringing doorbells in Utah.

A truck belonging to Anheuser Busch crashed into a Frito-Lay rig, spilling beer and chips all over a Florida highway. It was just a turned over Barcalounger truck away from completing the fantasy of every man who has ever been stuck in a rush hour traffic jam.

A truck belonging to Anheuser Busch crashed into a Frito-Lay rig, spilling beer and chips all over a Florida highway. Or as every woman married to a husband who sits around watching football every Sunday says, “Been there.”

Cuba says it has solved the problem of racism on the island nation. Mostly by making everyone feel equal to each other by making it through life at the exact same level of poverty.

Voters in Senegal have approved shaving two years off the presidential term. To which people thinking Donald Trump has a chance of being elected to White House are asking, could we vote to take ours down to about three months?

The government reports the Obamacare website Healthcare.gov has suffered 316 security incidents. Which the White House is celebrating as a success saying they are surprised that 316 people were actually able to make it all the way through the site.

A study using rats was able to show the set of brain cells that are behind people taking risks. Which is otherwise known as the entire cerebellum, cortex and frontal lobe of Charlie Sheen.

Microsoft cofounder Paul Allen has donated $100 Million to start an institute to battle disease. Which is ironic as Microsoft products are a big reason why so many people are in bad health after sitting in front of a computer without moving for the past 30 years.

Bernie Sanders says Arizona voters having to wait five hours to cast a primary vote was a “disgrace.” Especially for the ones who were in line until after 6:00 PM when the early bird specials had already ended.

A poll says that Americans are moderately optimistic about the job market. Which won’t change as long as there are continued reports of continued planned expansions by Go Mart, One Stop and 7-Eleven.

Researchers say Millennials are being paid the same wage rate their age group was making back in 1984. Which is even more discouraging considering that people graduating college in the 1980s aren’t still paying off their tuition loans 32 years later.

Researchers say Millennials are being paid the same wage rate their age group was making back in 1984. The good news for Millennials is that back then, 30 year olds actually had to pay rent instead of taking over their parents’ basement for free.

A proposal for a $15 an hour minimum wage will be on the November California ballot. The only bad part is that anyone at the current minimum wage won’t be able to vote because they can’t afford any time off the three jobs they need to make ends meet.

Starbucks says its new prepaid Visa cards will be eligible for cash rewards points. Which is good news for the typical customer who will qualify for free airfare and hotel expenses for a trip to Europe after each meal and coffee they pay for at Starbucks.

Starbucks says it will donate all its surplus food to area food banks. The only question is how will someone at a soup kitchen be expected to pay for the chai latte that is absolutely necessary to finish their breakfast of a cheese and fruit bistro box.

AstraZeneca says tests show its new blood thinner is no better than aspirin. What’s worse is that the aspirin will also be able to work on the headaches of all the people who just invested a lot of money into AstraZeneca stock.

A study says that Memphis is the fattest city in the country, with Indianapolis coming in third. The worst part about that is when people refer to the Indianapolis 500, they are talking about the average weight of their residents.

A study says that Memphis is the fattest city in the country. Although residents are disputing the numbers, saying they would have come in around normal weight if researchers hadn’t counted all the tourists standing in line at Graceland.

A report says the largest pay gap in the U.S. is between the men and women working as computer programmers. Which wouldn’t happen if those people only had the ability to somehow use a computer and get online and look those things up on Google.

A study says that less stress can lower a person’s blood pressure. Especially for the people who deal with stress by heading straight for the nearest Krispy Kreme drive-thru.

A study says that people who are prone to explosive bouts of rage could be infected by a parasite found in cat feces. Which means Alec Baldwin’s wife is just going to have to be resigned to being put on permanent duty changing the cat box.

A study says that people who are prone to explosive bouts of rage could be infected by a parasite found in cat feces. Which could mean a comeback is in the making for Ted Nugent if he just reworks his song lyrics into “Cat Crap Fever.”

A study says that people who smoke pot heavily in their youth end up in worse shape economically and socially than their parents. Except for the ones whose parents who don’t have any money left after paying for their college education, pizza bill and rehab.

A study says that people with excessively high standards could be putting their marriage at risk. Although that research is somewhat disproved by Britney Spears who settled on Kevin Federline and still got divorced.

A study says that eating a Japanese diet of fish, rice, and seaweed can cut the chances of having a stroke. At least until the person sitting at the sushi bar gets their dinner bill.

A study says that 3 out of 5 people would part with a kidney for $50,000. What’s worse is that the other two would lose a lung for $75,000 and figure for $100,000 they would give up their heart.

A study says that 3 out of 5 people would part with a kidney for $50,000. Ironically, when asked what they would do with the money most of them said they would use it to pay for a built in kidney shaped pool.

A study says that adding dark chocolate to a training diet may improve a person’s endurance. Especially for the men who have to run five miles to get away from their wife after she discovers they have gotten into her chocolate stash.

The White House has declared a victory as Obamacare reached its 6th anniversary. 21 Million people now have coverage under the bill. Ironically, every American could be covered if the money was used for healthcare that was wasted by Republicans fighting against the bill, voting to repeal it 50 times, and using it to shut down the government.

A study says that people will eat less if they listen to themselves chew their food. Although by looking at how obese most Americans have gotten, the reaction to that is “chew?”

A study says that people will eat less if they listen to themselves chew their food. The idea is that listening to crunchy food cuts back a person’s appetite. Especially when the food that is crunching is a hot dog.

AC/DC has announced it will finish their current tour replacing hearing impaired singer Brian Johnson with Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose. Not to say Rose has a history of being late to gigs, but the group says the tour should wrap up sometime in 2018.

Ken Howard, who starred in the TV show “The White Shadow” has died at age 71. The show “The White Shadow” went off the air in 1981 but people still keep confusing it with the annual Academy Awards telecast.

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” husband Joe Giudice reported to prison after a fraud conviction. The worst part is being in prison for more than three years will give him a whole new meaning of what it is like to be considered a housewife.

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” husband Joe Giudice reported to prison after a fraud conviction. The amazing part is that the fraud he was charged with actually had nothing to do with being a part of “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Comedian Kevin Hart has signed a deal to write his memoirs. Which, standing at 5’4” means it will more than likely be a short story.

Justin Bieber has canceled the rest of the scheduled meet and greets on his current tour saying they have “exhausted him to the point of depression.” To which parents who sat through the concerts with their kids are saying “Tell me about it.”

Justin Bieber has canceled the rest of the scheduled meet and greets on his current tour saying they have “exhausted him to the point of depression.” Mostly because he figures he spends enough time meeting with the public to apologize for his loud parties, bad driving and throwing eggs at their houses.

A rare Beatles record that includes the first song John Lennon ever wrote sold for $110,000. The only problem for the new owner is going to have to pay twice that much at another auction for a working record player so they can hear it.

An NFL official says the Oakland Raiders could still end up in Las Vegas. The only problem is that residents are worried that hosting the Raiders and their fans could be the one thing that could actually make people afraid to come to town.

A proposed bill in the Missouri House of Representatives would declare the St. Louis Cardinals the “official baseball team of the state.” Although it isn’t known why they won’t celebrate two baseball teams since they can’t seem to keep even one from the NFL.

Alex Rodriguez says he may consider retiring when his contract with the Yankees runs out at the end of the 2017 baseball season. Wearing a different uniform isn’t out of the question, it just depends on whether the other team offers him a position pouring beer, hocking souvenirs or tossing peanuts.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he is optimistic there will be no labor stoppage in the league in 2017. Although it’s hard to actually hear it called “labor” when talking about people who get paid an eight figure salary to work only 82 days a year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says he feels more research is needed to link football with CTE. Mostly because even an owner like Jones has to be suspected of some kind of brain abnormality for still considering signing Johnny Manziel.

Amazon says it pays its women 99.9% of what men employees make. Which means that men working for Amazon are just paid .1% over the prevailing minimum wage.

Data says that 27% of cardholders prefer to use debit cards instead of cash for purchases of $5 or less. The other 73% just wish they could say they actually had $5.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, there you go. Another bunch of jokes that you just wasted ten minutes of your life reading. And that I wasted several hours putting together. If only we could harness all that energy for constructive purposes, just think how much better the world would be! The number of additional hours we could collectively be watching TV boggles the mind. Oh, well. I just hope you take some of the extra time you have in your busy day to make sure and remember to always send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The White House has declared a victory as Obamacare reached its 6th anniversary. 21 Million people now have coverage under the bill. Ironically, 6 million lost their coverage completely while people in all but 6 states have seen substantial increases in their insurance costs. To put it another way, It’s like we declared victory at Pearl Harbor.