Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that smart people are better off with fewer friends. Not as well off as their dumber counterparts who don’t want to waste their time listening to pseudo know-it-alls spouting off all day.

A company is seeking to bring self driving delivery robots to Washington, D.C. It would be more practical and save money for lobbyists who normally have to hire expensive armed guards to deliver bribes, payola and kickbacks to all the members of Congress.

Radio host Glenn Beck bashed Christians who support Donald Trump for “Not listening to their God.” Even more importantly, they are more than likely supporting Donald Trump because they are not listening to what Donald Trump is saying.

The Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey says the city may have to shut down for three weeks because of its dismal finances. Which gives voters a preview of what will happen to the entire country by electing a President whose casinos were going to make Atlantic City great again.

The Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey says the city may have to shut down for three weeks because of its dismal finances. Everything would have been fine if the mayor hadn’t let the employees’ payroll and health care funds ride one more time on Roulette.

A study says that mindfulness meditation eases chronic low back pain. Mostly because people who sit still while meditating for hours at a time are finally giving their lower backs the time they need to get better.

A proposed tourist resort on the Moon will offer vacationers constant sunshine. Apparently it was devised for the people who have always wanted to spend some time in northern Siberia but just didn’t want to deal with all the long lines and crowds.

A study says that one in three Americans haven’t saved a dime for retirement. The other two are now proud to be able to brag about the ten cents they actually have put away in their 401(k).

A study says that one in three Americans haven’t saved a dime for retirement. The other two are going to put some money away from their high paying job they got with their college degree right after the 40 years it takes to pay off their tuition loans.

A study says that 2.7% of Americans lead a healthy lifestyle. To which the other 97.3% of us would like to put down the video console control, get up off the couch and toasting your hard work by simultaneously lifting our Big Gulps in salute.

A study says that 2.7% of Americans lead a healthy lifestyle. Which is good to know that 97.3% of us still tell the truth when taking part in a survey.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has died at age 46. The sad part is if he had been an American running for the Republican presidential nomination he would have gone unnoticed as being too bland and predictable.

President Obama told Cuba they have nothing to fear from the U.S. Which the Cubans already knew after nothing has happened being located only 90 miles away while Fidel Castro has been giving Americans the finger for the past 60 years.

59,000 Utah Republicans registered for online voting for the state’s primary. Which came as no surprise that Ted Cruz won, finishing ahead of John Kasich, Donald Trump and barely nosing out a cat who can play the piano.

59,000 Utah Republicans registered for online voting for the state’s primary. The news came as a surprise. There are 59,000 people in Utah who have Internet access?

Sarah Palin has reportedly signed on to host a reality show as a judge show. Apparently the show will be based on Alaskan frontier law and will see each dispute settled between the defendant and plaintiff with a courtroom shootout.

Sarah Palin has reportedly signed on to host a reality show as a judge. Any capital punishment cases will end up with Palin sentencing the defendant to an Obamacare death panel.

A New Orleans teenager was offered a job at the Popeye’s restaurant he helped by stopping a robbery during a job interview. The only question is why is he taking a job at a place that was robbed while he was in the middle of a job interview?

Showtime is experimenting with a binge viewing model for its new comedy featuring Andrew Dice Clay. Which is different than most people who use watching anything with Andrew Dice Clay as an excuse to start binge drinking.

A report says that the recorded music industry made $7 Billion in 2015. It’s nice to see that music is still being bought by older adults who still don’t know how to use sharing sites to steal all their music for free.

Data says that 26% of American workers have less than $1,000 in savings. Which is better than the other 74% who will start trying to put away some cash in another 30 years when they finally pay off their college tuition loans.

A survey says that Americans think the stock market will soar under President Donald Trump. Mostly from all the investments for the increasing business that will be given defense contractors for all the wars that will be started under his administration.

A survey says that Americans think the stock market will soar under President Donald Trump. And that’s just for all the contractors who know anything about building walls.

Mars candy will start adding GMO labeling to its products. Which sounds like more of a publicity stunt as how many genetically modified ingredients do you need when all your products are made of chocolate, sugar and creamy filling?

Detroit has announced a plan where any high school graduate will be given free tuition for community college. Which was met with a great response until it was specified the college has to be in Detroit.

Detroit has announced a plan where any high school graduate will be given free tuition for community college. Which is great news for all three of the Detroit students who will actually graduate high school this year.

Detroit has announced a plan where any high school graduate will be given free tuition for community college. Of course, there will still be a full ride to a major four year college for anyone who can also throw a football 60 yards.

Despite record profits, airlines are dropping discounted fares for bereavement. That includes people who have lost relatives who died of old age waiting for them to finally arrive because they booked their flight on United.

The FDA has toughened warnings for some opioid painkillers. How bad have we gotten that it isn’t enough to get our attention by just being told that abusing the drugs can result in addiction or dying from an overdose?

Researchers at Ohio State University say that blondes are not dumber than other people. The study showed that brunettes and redheads can also be extremely dumb. At least the ones that enroll for classes at Michigan.

A study says that scheduling free time can make the activities less enjoyable. Especially for the people who would rather just be spontaneous in how they spend the five minutes they get between the three jobs they need to make ends meet.

A study says that evidence of the health benefits of moderate drinking are shaky at best. Although not as shaky as the people who had to wake up to go to work after only three hours of sleep after moderately drinking until 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that evidence of the health benefits of moderate drinking are shaky at best. Especially the people who claim they are healthier with moderate drinking only because their doctor said they would be dead if they didn’t cut back on their heavy drinking.

A new diabetes patch measures the wearer’s sweat to detect blood sugar levels. Which comes in handy for the people who have diabetes because they break out in a cold sweat every time they get close to a Krispy Kreme store.

A study says the world’s poorest people pay the largest part of their income for water. Although that can be justified by the people of Flint, Michigan who pay high prices for their water but they also get all those additional minerals like lead added for free.

A study says that if everyone ate a vegan diet, several million deaths around the world would be prevented by 2050. Which would help make up for all the Americans who would starve to death if there were no more McDonald’s, Taco Bell or Arby’s.

A study says that if everyone ate a vegan diet, several million deaths around the world would be prevented by 2050. Except all the people who would die trying to eat nothing but plant based foods for the next 34 years.

Researchers say that heart disease deaths have dropped in recent years. Mostly because before people’s hearts give out they are dying from diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity.

Researchers say that heart disease deaths have dropped in recent years. Mostly after the stock market recovered and people can once again look at their 401(k) statement without going into cardiac arrest.

A report says that Paul McCartney is trying to buy back the Beatles catalogue that is being sold by the estate of Michael Jackson. Although some people say Michael Jackson should have just given him back the songs after putting McCartney through the duet performance of “The Girl Is Mine.”

Former caddie Steve Williams says Tiger Woods’ training regimen let to his injuries and subsequent winless streak. Although even worse was his decision to show then wife Elin Nordegren how to swing a 9 iron.

President Obama says he approved of David Ortiz’ F-Bomb following the Boston Marathon bombing, saying it was a “proud” moment. Which means he will have four more years of proud moments once Donald Trump takes the microphone as President.

Apple says its new iPhone SE was made for people with small hands. Which means that it should pass all kinds of security tests since they obviously designed it thinking that the presidential election is a lock for Donald Trump.

The FBI says it has been flooded with suggestions on how to hack the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. Although it is just a bit embarrassing that most of them are under 10 and are willing to show them how to open it for a new PlayStation.

A former State Department worker has been sentenced to five years in prison for committing sextortion, cyberstalking and hacking. Which answers the question as to why the guy charged so little to set up that private e-mail server for Hillary Clinton.

A report says that Silicon Valley luxury home sales were up in February. A luxury home is considered any house listed for at least $2 Million. Which in Silicon Valley is pretty much anything with a roof, four walls and at least one room with running water.

The website Nugs.net offers the concert experience for people who can’t make it inside the arena. Otherwise known as scalpers, people who can’t unload their tickets and pot dealers.

The website Nugs.net offers the concert experience for people who can’t make it inside the arena. Otherwise known as the losers who are left behind when their date decides to get invited backstage by becoming groupie for the band.

French owners of a ring believed to belong to Joan of Arc are refusing to return it to the British who claim they took it out of the country illegally. It is the biggest dispute involving demands to return a ring since Kim Kardashian divorced Kris Humphries.

Ted Cruz says he wants a one-on-one debate with Donald Trump to be moderated by Bill O’Reilly. That means O’Reilly will have to keep them separated, stay in control and make sure to avoid being the one hit in the back with a folding chair.

A man was arrested after jumping over the bike racks in front of the White House. People thought it was sad who could remember the time when all Lance Armstrong had to do to get an invitation inside was say he was in town.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The countdown is on. Only two more days until a major milestone birthday I am not looking forward to. Otherwise known as any birthday. Hopefully with your help I will get through it in one piece. Unlike how I managed to get through my years in Karate. Stay tuned for the big day on Friday. Feel free to start your shopping now. If you are a member of Amazon Prime you still can order me that new Fender Stratocaster and still get it here on time. Just a hint...In the meantime, you can make me feel better in the usual way by just remembering to make sure and send the love!

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