Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that fewer Americans pray or believe in God than ever before. Mostly because even after all their prayers during the primary season, it still looks like Donald Trump could end up as our President.

A study says that fewer Americans pray or believe in God than ever before. Mostly because they see that it is of no use when if President Obama were to propose the Ten Commandments, the Republican Senate would probably still use the filibuster.

A restaurant in Utah is owned by a family who all openly carry guns while working the tables. They say they do it to promote gun rights, attract customers who believe in the Second Amendment and to discourage anyone from sending back their food.

China has asked the Federal Reserve for the play book they used to get through the Black Monday stock market crash of 1987. Mostly because they see our strategy for the Great Recession of 2007 was to do nothing differently and hope it finally just goes away.

Studies show that Millennials have the highest rates of anxiety of any previous generation. Mostly because they see their grandparents who worked blue collar jobs with just a high school education have had more success than they will ever see even with a college degree.

Studies show that Millennials have the highest rates of anxiety of any previous generation. Mostly because it can be tough on the nerves sitting in the dark 18 hours a day constantly playing video games while living in your parents’ basement.

Studies show that Millennials have the highest rates of anxiety of any previous generation. Probably because of the prospect of trying to pay off $100,000 in college loans with the minimum wage job they will be stuck in even after graduation.

Apple has introduced a robot called Liam that takes apart junked iPhones for recycling. In fact, their first customer was the FBI who says they have an iPhone they don’t want junked but wondered if Liam might just be able to show them how to unlock the thing.

The world’s largest aircraft is ready to launch, using 1.3 Million Cubic Feet of helium to help it get airborne. That’s enough helium that if breathed in by every presidential candidate would make them all sound even more shrill than Hillary all the way through election day.

A man dressed as the Easter Bunny got in a fight with a parent after an argument at a New Jersey mall. It was just good to see at least one cast member of “Jersey Shore” still able to find work.

A man dressed as the Easter Bunny got in a fight with a parent after an argument at a New Jersey mall. Apparently the parent objected when instead of saying the scripted “Happy Easter!” the Bunny just kept saying to the kids “What are you looking at?”

Apple has unveiled smaller versions of the iPhone and iPad. Mostly because the way they keep getting larger, the iPhone has pretty much become the iPad.

Elephants trampled a village in India killing five people. It was the most violence and destruction ever attributed to elephants outside of a Donald Trump rally.

The British Army held an Internet contest to name a new research vessel, with pranksters making the number one choice “Boaty McBoatface.” Which was a disappointment for those who seriously wanted to name it after Duchess Camilla and voted for “Horsey McHorseface.”

A poll says most Americans favor ending the Cuban embargo. Especially Yankees fans who desperately need to get some immediate help in building up their bullpen.

A poll says most Americans favor ending the Cuban embargo. To most people it’s like the fight that caused them to stop speaking to their spouse for three weeks and finally ended it because they can’t remember what the argument was about in the first place.

A new feature on iPhones may help them track cuts on their user as they heal. Which will come in very handy, especially for people who got the cuts when hit with an iPhone thrown by Naomi Campbell.

A report says travel and tourism added 7.2 Million jobs to the world economy in 2015. That doesn’t even include Donald Trump’s “tourism” policy that will result in millions more workers needed to build the wall along the Mexico border.

PayPal founder and Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s wife has filed for divorce from the billionaire for the second time. Which means if this one goes through, he will find out an entirely new meaning to the term Pay Pal.

Google says it wants to improve Internet access in Cuba. Which shouldn’t be that difficult as the people there think they will be joining the 21st Century in technology by getting AOL service with a rotary phone.

Google says it wants to improve Internet access in Cuba. The people of Cuba couldn’t be more excited to join Facebook and be able to start typing in their Morse Code messages with their telegraph.

Studies show that people who value time over money are happier. Which is great news for all the people who have no money but plenty of time on their hands since being out of work since the crash of 2007.

A study says that if restrictions are lifted, air fares on flights to Cuba will drop by 50%. The only problem is getting the Cubans to book flights with U.S. airlines when they realize they get better service, more leg room and fewer hidden fees taking the raft.

A new site offers loans to college students with good grades but bad credit. The only problem is that taking out college loans to pay for their education that will get them a minimum wage job when they graduate is why they have bad credit in the first place.

A new site offers loans to college students with good grades but bad credit. Although if they had paid attention in their math and business classes they might not have gotten in a position to have bad credit to start with.

A survey says that 11% of Americans would rather clean toilets at Chipotle than pay taxes. The good news is that the wages for a job cleaning toilets at Chipotle is low enough so that the worker will never have to worry about paying income taxes again.

A study says that fitness trackers monitor a person’s steps, but not the calories they burn. Especially when they are taking 10,000 steps a day, but most of them are from the couch to the refrigerator.

A study says that after only four days of meditation training, people report feeling 21% less pain. At least until they try to untangle their legs from the lotus position they have been sitting in for the past 96 hours.

A study says 1 in 6 U.S. seniors use potentially dangerous combinations of prescription and over-the-counter drugs along with dietary supplements. Especially the ones who discover their caretakers for years have been spiking their Ensure with Metamucil.

Experts say that men should not take erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra before surgery. Especially the ones who don’t want to obstruct the surgeon’s view by turning their hospital gown into a tent.

A survey says that up to 40% of men have body image issues. The only question is why are those always the ones who insist on walking around with no shirt and pants that are too small?

A survey says that up to 40% of men have body image issues. Not as much as the people who have to look at them when they bend over and their pants are halfway down their backside.

An analysis by the University of Leicester in England says it would take a vampire 6.4 minutes to drain 15% of the blood from one of their victims. Which is still less than half the time it takes the IRS to take it all during just one audit session.

Dolly Parton and Katy Perry are set to perform a duet at the Academy of Country Music Awards. Or as most men will refer to the act, a quartet.

Chris Martin says he is still depressed over his split with Gwyneth Paltrow. Mostly from being remembered as the guy who actually agreed to calling his divorce a “conscious uncoupling.”

Chris Martin says he is still depressed over his split with Gwyneth Paltrow. What’s worse is how he is going to feel once he finally reads the reviews of Coldplay’s Super Bowl Halftime Show performance.

Former contestant on “The Apprentice” Omarosa went on CNN to defend Donald Trump against charges of sexism. She is grateful to him for being the show’s host and making her actually seem much more likable by comparison.

Actor Scott Baio has come out in support of Donald Trump for President. Which finally reveals that “Chachi” wasn’t just the name of his character on “Happy Days” but also what he refers to the stuff he loads into his bong.

The NFL is reportedly not going to do anything in the off season to more clearly define the catch rule. Apparently they are just going to stick with the current rule that a catch is what doesn’t happen when the Raiders quarterback throws the football.

The owner of the Houston Texans says quarterback Brock Osweiler joined the team because he didn’t want to stay in Denver and compete with the legacy of John Elway and Peyton Manning. Apparently it’s easier to be remembered when coming in as the follow-up act to Brian Hoyer, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Matt Schaub.

Indian Wells CEO Raymond Moore has resigned after making disparaging comments about the women’s tennis tour. Although what did anyone expect from someone heading up a club called “Indian Wells.”

Indian Wells CEO Raymond Moore has resigned after making disparaging comments about the women’s tennis tour. The good news is that he has already found a new job as women’s rights coordinator for the Trump campaign.

Indian Wells CEO Raymond Moore has resigned after making disparaging comments about the women’s tennis tour. His only other option was to agree to be locked in a room listening to recordings of an entire match worth of Maria Sharapova’s screams.

A report says the 2022 World Cup in Qatar could see fans housed in desert tent camps. Which is no big deal for anyone who already has the resolve to watch a soccer match end in a 0-0 tie after sitting for three hours of the sound of vuvuzelas in their ears.

Peyton Manning says he will retire as a Bronco and not as a Colt. Apparently he felt it was better to be unceremoniously dumped after winning a Super Bowl than unceremoniously dumped after receiving a career threatening neck injury.

Hulk Hogan has been awarded $25 Million in punitive damages by a jury on top of the $115 Million they gave in compensatory damages. Which could pale in comparison to what the jury will award themselves for having to watch the entire Hulk Hogan sex tape.

The FBI says they may have found a way to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. Apparently one of the agents gave it to their six year old grandson who also showed them how to keep their VCR from constantly flashing “12:00.”

Donald Trump reportedly broke his own rule and used a teleprompter during a speech. Although instead of his speech it just said “Don’t say anything that will start a riot.”

A poll says that 60% of Republicans are embarrassed with their primary campaigns. Which wouldn’t be an issue if the other 40% weren’t supporting the candidate who finds it impossible to do anything that makes him feel even a hint of embarrassment.

A poll says that U.S. concern about global warming is at an eight year high. Mostly because eight years ago while George W. Bush was President no one objected to burning up the Middle East, chopping down all the trees and driving the HumVees that started global warming in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the primary election day in Arizona and Utah. There are two questions. One, can Donald Trump beat Ted Cruz head on in either state, and two, who will the three Democrats in both states vote for between Hillary and Sanders. The good part about a primary is that Donald Trump will have to make a victory or concession speech, which either way will more than likely give a lot of material for tomorrow’s blog. I hope you come back to read the latest jokes, and in the meantime make sure to take the time to remember to always send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Global Warming started during the Bush presidency? I got a news flash for you. Global warming (climate change) has been going on since the beginning of this earth. The only thing that started in our lifetime was the fallacy that we could control it by paying more taxes and changing our lifestyle.