Sunday, March 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Hulk Hogan has been awarded $115 Million in a lawsuit against gossip site Gawker for posting his sex tape online. What Hogan doesn’t realize is people would have given him twice that much to make sure they never had a chance of watching it.

A report says that few women are interested in military jobs in the infantry. If women want to be on the ground in combat situations that could put their life at risk, they can always just date an NFL player.

Domino’s is testing a robot that can deliver its pizza. Which is bad news for college students who are now wondering where they will be able to work when they graduate.

Fox News says that Donald Trump has an “extreme, sick obsession with Megyn Kelly.” In fact, it is almost as extreme and sick as the obsession Fox News has with Donald Trump.

The CEO of Carl’s Jr. says he wants a restaurant that is automated where customers never see a person working there. If he wants to run a restaurant where customers never see people working, he should go to a Carl’s Jr. during the lunch time rush.

A report says that soon there will be battery free wearables that charge off the wearer’s footsteps. Which would be great if it can get a full charge off the number of footsteps it takes most people to get from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

A report says the number of people collecting Social Security benefits has reached 60 Million. The good news is that 59 Million of them are still hoping to be able to actually retire some day and not need to also work three jobs to make ends meet.

Cities around the world marked the 10th annual Earth Hour over the weekend by turning off lights to highlight the threat from climate change. At the rate of an hour a year, that means in just under a century they will have cut back on four whole days of pollution.

Pope Francis I has sent out his first Instagram. It was easy to figure out which one was his. It was the only celebrity account that featured a picture with a person wearing clothes.

The daughter of an Illinois lawmaker has been charged with attacking a political rival with a staple gun. Forget the Second Amendment, our legislators need to take a stand to start making people register their office supplies.

Supporters and protesters clashed at a Donald Trump rally in Salt Lake City. Trump should do well in Utah. He thinks he is the Messiah, runs his campaign like a cult and likes to be married to several different women, just not all at once.

A survey says that 56% of Millennials have delayed at least one major life event because of student loan debt. Mostly their retirement which because of their loans has pretty much been pushed back from 65 to around 93.

A survey says that 56% of Millennials have delayed at least one major life event because of student loan debt. Mostly the chance of moving out of their parents’ basement sometime before they turn 40.

The UN has named Red, one of the characters in the “Angry Birds” movie as an ambassador to fight climate change. The only problem is that the term “Angry Birds” sounds more like a description of the people who support Donald Trump.

A survey says that 23% of pre-retirees made plans to postpone their retirement last year. The other 77% are still on track to retire sometime between age 93 and 95.

A survey says that 23% of pre-retirees made plans to postpone their retirement last year. Which right now is pretty much based on the projected length of their life expectancy.

A report says that more banks are giving customers free access to their credit scores. Which is nice considering their credit scores crashed back in 2007 because of what the banks did to them when they caused the mortgage crisis.

A report says that workplace accidents led to nearly 3,000 amputations in 2015. Mostly from workers trying to take the last doughnut out of the box of the fat person in the next cubicle.

Post-it notes are celebrating their 35th anniversary. Which thanks to the digital age have become as practical as Whiteout, fax machines and rotary phones.

Post-it notes are celebrating their 35th anniversary. The sad news is that people just informed Post-its they were no longer going to be needing them via a text message.

A study says that TV shows that have high emotions result in viewers that have a better recall of commercials. Which explains why so many advertisers are trying to buy time on the next Republican presidential debates.

Microsoft says it was wrong to hire gogo dancers for entertainment at a recent video game developers conference. They say it was a big mistake to go with anything other than actors dressed as characters from “Star Wars.”

A study says that exercise can ease psychotic symptoms. Although the researchers obviously are not familiar with Dennis Rodman, John McEnroe or Mike Tyson.

A college student in New Jersey saved nearly $8,000 by using a 3D printer to make his own orthodontic braces. Which is the first time a college student has ever gone on record using a printer involving a part of their body other than their backside.

A college student in New Jersey saved nearly $8,000 by using a 3D printer to make his own orthodontic braces. Ironically he needed his teeth straightened after they were knocked crooked by other students who used the 3D printer to make brass knuckles.

A survey says that half of all people enjoy sexual acts that are labeled deviant. The other half are women.

A survey says that half of all people enjoy sexual acts that are labeled deviant. Or as the religious right calls those acts, “sex.”

A departing UN official wrote a scathing goodbye note calling it a “black hole” of bureaucracy. Which is evident in the fact it was typed in triplicate, sent through five committees and resulted in three outside agencies being hired to investigate the claims.

A study says that lost Alzheimer's memories may be recoverable. The worst part is when an Alzheimer’s patient is able to remember the fact that they are 93 years old and have been bedridden for the past ten years.

A doctor in Oklahoma claims to have developed a $300 “Jesus shot” that cures chronic pain. It’s called the “Jesus shot” because patients that get it immediately start to pray that their health insurance will cover it so they aren’t out 300 bucks.

A study says women suffering postpartum depression are unlikely to have more than two children. Mostly because they know if they are depressed when their babies are born, there is no way they can handle two of them being teenagers at the same time.

The new redesigned SAT college admission exam will go back to a maximum score of 1600, have an optional essay and no penalty for guessing. In other words, the test means nothing other than to see if the student can sit still in one place for four hours.

Twitter says they will stay with their current tweet limit of 140 characters and not go up to 10,000. Mostly out of fear that Donald Trump will crash the Internet by posting the entire text every time he goes on a rant.

The Chicago Cubs had a 100 year old fan throw out the first pitch at a spring training game. The sad part is that even the fan was too young to remember the last time they won the World Series.

67 year old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has reportedly moved in with his 28 year old girlfriend. Apparently figured it must be love when he gave her permission to wear whichever of his scarves she likes.

A report says that 1 in 7 children under 9 years old suffer from a mental, behavioral or developmental problem. The other 6 usually hold off on exhibiting those symptoms until they are teenagers.

“Finding Nemo” has been translated into Navajo. Or as it is called in the Native American language, “Fish With Painted Face Swims Across Heap Big Ocean Many Moons To Take Back Happy Hunting Ground From White Man With Forked Tongue.”

Traffic app Waze tells users when they should leave for appointments along with mapping the route. Even more convenient, for doctor’s appointments it picks places on the way for lunch and other chores to take up the three hours waiting time.

A traffic study by MIT says that red lights could be a thing of the past. Which is no big deal in Miami where everyone drives 20 miles an hour and haven’t bothered stopping at a red light since 1962.

Nike’s new shoes with laces that automatically tighten could make it so children never have to learn how to tie their shoes. Which will save a lot of time for the Asian children who are late for their 16 hour shift sewing those same Nike shoes for $3 a month.

Facebook and Twitter are reportedly in a race to live stream TV. Which for Twitter will mean cutting off all dialogue longer than 140 characters and Facebook showing and endless loop of cat videos.

Anti-Trump protesters blocked traffic before a rally in Arizona. Which was hardly noticed in a state where traffic consists of people barely going over 10 miles an hour with constantly flashing turn signals.

Republican Party leaders are reportedly mapping out a strategy to stop Donald Trump. If they really want to stop him from becoming President, the best way is to just go ahead and give him the nomination.

Researchers at MIT and the University of Birmingham in England say the best way to cut rush hour traffic is to take the longer route home. Which is probably true in L.A. by avoiding the 405 and just taking the 15 out to Barstow and back.

A report says that John McCain could be in for the toughest reelection of his Senate career. At least the part taking place after the Reconstruction.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness is here, and I am not talking about the Republican primaries that will be held in the next couple of weeks. I am not really a big college basketball fan. Why not save some time and just start the games with five minutes left and let them all shoot a bunch of free throws? I would like to see the tournament end with the MVP award to one player and another separate award for the tournament participant who actually is going to graduate. The one thing I like about March Madness is that when it is done baseball and the Masters are not far behind. The only thing that gets me in a better mood than that is when you all take the time and make sure to remember to always send the love!

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