Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Forbes says there are 1,810 billionaires in the world. It looks like that number will drop to 1,809 just as soon as Donald Trump actually lets someone look at his tax returns.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he hasn’t been optimistic “in quite awhile.” Neither have the millions of people who lost everything after he assured them in 2007 that the housing market would never crash.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he hasn’t been optimistic “in quite awhile.” But then how much is there to look forward to for anyone once they turn 89?

The University of Vermont is fighting binge drinking and drugs with meditation. The method is to take people mentally to a much better place. Meaning somewhere other than Vermont.

Scientists say they have discovered the gene that turns hair gray. But they assure their test subjects that only their geneticist knows for sure.

Scientists say they have discovered the gene that turns hair gray. Apparently it is the reproductive gene that lets people have children who eventually turn into teenagers.

Police in the UK have been given surveillance power to hack phones and search people’s web browsing history. Which most men are OK with as they would much rather have the police get ahold of that information than their wives.

Police in the UK have been given surveillance power to hack phones and search people’s web browsing history. Which most people aren’t that concerned about as long as Scotland Yard proves to be as savvy around an iPhone as the FBI.

A report says that Twitter has lost $2 Billion over the past ten years. If the losses get any higher they will have trouble making it within the tweeting limit of 140 characters.

A report says that Twitter has lost $2 Billion over the past ten years. Even the people from Pets.com are asking how anyone could lose that much money on the Internet.

A report says that Twitter has lost $2 Billion over the past ten years. The only question is what could possibly cost $2 Billion on a site that lets people send short messages with their cellphones?

China says it is going to lay off 5-6 Million state workers. That number could include all three people who work at the country’s Air & Water Quality Control Agency.

The Oscars charged the highest television commercial rates for a show that had the lowest ratings in the past eight years. It’s just a good thing that one of the sponsors wasn’t Jerry Curl.

Documents concerning Osama bin Laden show that he had a handwritten will leaving his $29 Million fortune to “jihad.” Meaning that he was going to let all his relatives take the fight over who gets what to court.

The Rolling Stones are set to give a free concert in Cuba later this month. When Fidel Castro heard the news, his response was “Those old guys are still around?”

The Rolling Stones are set to give a free concert in Cuba later this month. The only problem is that for most Cubans, free is still just a little bit too much out of their entertainment price range.

Refugees in Germany are buying one way tickets back home to the Middle East after finding the country “intolerable.” Which shocked only the people who have never heard of a thing called World War II.

Refugees in Germany are buying one way tickets back home to the Middle East after finding the country “intolerable.” Apparently they were going to buy tickets to the U.S. but decided to save their money and first see if Donald Trump is elected President.

The annual Wall Street Decathlon held in June crowns the fittest worker in finance. The winners every year since the 2008 economic crash are the ones who have been able to jump through the enough hoops to keep prosecutors from sending them to jail.

Warren Buffett says that distracted driving will cost drivers higher insurance rates in 2016. Mostly the people who can’t keep their mind on the road after seeing how much their insurance bill just went up.

A New York court has refused to toss out a fraud case against Trump University. The most damaging evidence over the allegations of fraud is the fact that the school is labeled with the name “Trump.”

A New York court has refused to toss out a fraud case against Trump University. Donald Trump says he will proceed with the case just as soon as he can start up and graduate some students from the University’s new law school.

Several airlines are planning on introducing a new “economy minus” class for passengers. Which is pretty much just economy class minus the last shred of human dignity reserved for people who can still afford coach.

Several airlines are planning on introducing a new “economy minus” class for passengers. Anyone interested in the new fare will be advised to make sure they cut some air holes in the cardboard boxes they will be shipped inside.

FBI Director James Comey says “mistakes were made” in changing the password with the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. The problem is agents can’t remember if they used “12345” like the nuclear football or “password” like the Missile Defense System.

A study says that Virtual Reality can be used to help addicts avoid relapses. Although isn’t getting to a different reality the whole reason addicts start using drugs in the first place?

A study says that doctors who marry educated professionals with careers may be contributing to the medical care shortage in rural America. The suggestion is to start giving all medical students a free lifetime membership on the dating site FarmersOnly.com.

Royal Caribbean’s Anthem of the Sea had to return to port in New Jersey early for the second time in a month because of rough seas and several cases of norovirus. Many passengers couldn’t understand the move saying they would take the rough seas and diarrhea any day over New Jersey.

Royal Caribbean’s Anthem of the Sea had to return to port in New Jersey early for the second time in a month because of rough seas and several cases of norovirus. Royal Caribbean says to be fair they will refund passengers their money minus what it would cost to take the same trip on Carnival.

An E.coli scare closed the National Zoo’s kids farm exhibit. At least it was figured out where Chipotle goes to get the meat for its chicken burritos.

A report says that American women are waiting longer to have children. To which Kim Kardashian is asking why anyone would want to keep them inside themselves for more than the nine months it already takes?

A report says that American women are waiting longer to have children. Apparently they feel if they put it off until they can afford to retire from their three jobs when they reach 90 they will finally have some spare time to spend with their kids.

Reenactments of music videos like “Blurred Lines” to make first aid look sexy have provoked angry responses. Although it is practical since most men who need first aid were injured when their wives caught them watching the “Blurred Lines” video.

A Las Vegas outbreak has given Nevada the highest syphilis rate in the west. To keep it that way, health officials in other states are praying this is one thing that actually does stay in ‘Vegas.

Khloe Kardashian says police “hated them” during the O.J. Simpson trial because their father was on the defense team. As opposed to everyone else hating them now because of their obsession with the media, money and wanting to be celebrities.

Iggy Azalea is admitting she has undergone plastic surgery. Apparently most of it was done on her lips to make it easier to actually look like she is singing when lip syncing.

Iggy Azalea is admitting she has undergone plastic surgery. Although most people agree it would have been money better spent if it was used for singing lessons.

Britney Spears is defending Justin Bieber, saying people are too quick to judge. To which most people are saying he’s 22 years old and his first album came out six years ago. That’s plenty of time.

Kris Jenner says that people “misconstrue” Kanye West’s Twitter rants. Somehow they seem to read them and end up thinking he might be some kind of egotistical, arrogant, pompous and pretentious jerk.

A part owner of the NBA’s Oklahoma City Thunder has been indicted for rigging oil and gas bids. It is the biggest case involving fraudulent rigging of bids since Steve Ballmer was suckered into paying $2 Billion for the Clippers.

Iditarod race officials in Alaska are having to ship in snow for the event because of unusually warm weather. “Unusually warm” meaning Alaska not being completely buried in snow in March.

Iditarod race officials in Alaska are having to ship in snow for the event because of unusually warm weather. It’s been so warm that Al Gore has been named the race’s official starter.

Iditarod race officials in Alaska are having to ship in snow for the event because of unusually warm weather. You know it’s bad when the mushers are replacing their sled runners with wheels.

The President of LSU says the state’s severe budget crisis could be a legitimate threat to the school’s football season. Which will really make people take notice, because people who are hungry and living in squalor is one thing, but when the economy starts affecting the college football season that is just too much.

The President of LSU says the state’s severe budget crisis could be a legitimate threat to the school’s football season. Which means it is really bad if it is the first time that anyone has noticed the state has been in a slump pretty much since Reconstruction.

Legislation in Congress is calling for an independent 16 member committee for security and technology challenges. Isn’t this a bit of an overreaction just because the FBI can’t figure out how to unlock an iPhone password?

A legislator says the FBI should try to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone without the help of Apple. The FBI says they are on it, they are just seeing if they have enough money in their budget to cover hiring a team from the Geek Squad.

NASA is planning to build a supersonic passenger jet that can fly to any city in the world in six hours. The only problem is that since it is connected to NASA, fares will start out at $2.5 Million per passenger.

Researchers say new Radar scans of King Tut’s tomb could reveal hidden burial chambers. Either that or someone replaced the software they are using with a video game disk of “Laura Croft.”

Researchers say new Radar scans of King Tut’s tomb could reveal hidden burial chambers. The good news is that the producers of “Flip This House” say that a hidden chamber could increase the value of the tomb by nearly double.

Experts say the Doomsday Clock may not be the right tool to mobilize people to take action against nuclear proliferation. For one thing, most people under 30 have no idea how to even tell time on a clock that isn’t digital.

Hillary Clinton won big on Super Tuesday, But Bernie Sanders had wins in Vermont, Colorado, Minnesota and Oklahoma. The win in Oklahoma was especially impressive in that the Sanders team was able to get all three of the state’s Democrats out to vote.

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump were both on the campaign trail slamming the Washington, D.C. “establishment.” Mostly because neither one of them has actually ever won a vote that would take them there.

Donald Trump called Marco Rubio a “lightweight.” Not because of his policies, but because when you have Chris Christie standing behind you on the podium, everyone else is pretty much a lightweight by comparison.

The White House has pledged a smooth transition for the successor to President Obama in January. The hardest part is if Hillary Clinton becomes President in finding Bill the rooms where Hillary is least likely to be able to find him.

The White House has pledged a smooth transition for the successor to President Obama in January. Unless Donald Trump is elected in which case a fence will have to be built to keep the badger on his head from eating all the flowers in the Rose Garden.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Super Tuesday is over. To which most people are asking what was so “super” about it? Fortunately, it wasn’t enough of a runaway to get any candidates to drop out. There is just too much material as long as everyone is still going after each other. The only problem is that what is good for comedy writers is usually bad for the rest of the country. In the meantime, I will always consider it a win every time you all remember to make sure to always send the love!

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