Friday, March 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Tennessee lawmaker says that ISIS should be allowed to recruit on college campuses. Mostly because it can’t be any different than what it was like when there was open recruiting at high schools during basketball season by Bobby Knight.

A nun was caught shoplifting $23 in food and toiletries from a store in Pennsylvania. Prosecutors say if found guilty she could be facing up to three Our Fathers and five Hail Marys.

A nun was caught shoplifting $23 in food and toiletries from a store in Pennsylvania. Prosecutors were going to charge her with a felony but backed off when she hit them across the knuckles with a ruler.

A restaurant in China is using robot waiters that can work an eight hour shift and not expect tips. Or as that is called in the U.S., a wait shift at Carrows.

A study says that humans interbred with extinct lines of humans at least four times. Which finally explains the line of descendency of the family of Larry King.

SeaWorld says it will stop its program of breeding orcas. In a related story, the theme park says it will no longer offer the seafood platter at its concession stands.

Chipotle’s downward spiral in sales is being blamed on what is being called “fickle” Millennials. Apparently they just can’t make up their minds if they would rather have a case of E.coli or come down with just norovirus.

Apple has patented a new type of encryption to ward off hackers. Some people thought it was to frustrate the FBI, but it turns out the agency is pretty much stumped even by Pig Latin.

An executive at pharmaceutical company Turing was reportedly fired after opposing the CEOs decision to raise the price of a drug by 5,000%. Not only that, objecting to an obscene price hike took him out of the running for a career in the oil, airline and cable TV industries.

Google and other tech companies are seeking permits to cut down 300 heritage trees standing in the way of development plans. The companies will clear the trees to build campuses to come up with ideas to use digital technology to cut back on the use of paper and save any forests that don’t otherwise get in their way.

The Dow has turned positive for the year after early losses of nearly 2,000 points. Or as a loss of 2,000 points was called back in 2007, a close call.

The Dow has turned positive for the year after early losses of nearly 2,000 points. The best indication that the market had steadied was when all the stockbrokers came in off the ledge and are now just standing by their open windows.

CBS won’t be televising the NCAA March Madness Final Four this year, instead handing it over to TBS. Which means at CBS the Final Four will refer to the number of people who are still watching their prime time programming during the championship weekend.

Major candy companies say they will stop advertising to children. Mostly because just by looking at how fat all the adults have gotten they know who is really keeping them in business.

A report says half the seafood consumed worldwide comes from farms. Which apparently is how those fish called “croppies” got their name.

A British doctor mistakenly performed a vasectomy on the wrong man. It was the physician’s fault, but at some point you would think the patient might have spoken up and said “Uh, I don’t think that’s where my tonsils are located.”

Johnson & Johnson has been hit with a $500 Million verdict over faulty hip implants. Their legal team was optimistic before the decision, saying the plaintiffs didn’t have a leg to stand on.

The British are planning to levy a tax on soda, saying that 15% of the calories consumed in the UK are from added sugar. Mostly to take away the aftertaste from the other 85% of calories that come from eating haggis.

A survey says that most Americans approve of gay marriage, but are more cautious about divorce. Mostly because they feel if gay people are going to get married, they should be forced to stick it out as long as they can before losing half of what they own like everyone else.

A study says that gender may play a role in Alzheimer’s Disease. Although that was already known by every married man whose wife has not forgotten one wrong thing their husband has done from the day they met.

Children in Newark, New Jersey are set to be tested for lead poisoning. The only problem is that the children who are mentally slow from the effects of lead are much more likely to think it isn’t so bad living in Newark.

Madonna reportedly pulled the top of a female fan down on stage during a concert. Fans were shocked. Not by that, but by the fact that Madonna managed to keep her own top on during the entire show.

Rapper 50 Cent is reportedly set to do a variety show on A&E. Although a variety show in the rap genre means a performance that features not only guns but also knives, chains and brass knuckles.

Rihanna says she has hope for a relationship despite her “crazy” schedule. Like when she dated Chris Brown and their time was spent between Rihanna visiting him in jail and Brown checking up on her in the hospital.

Google mistakenly used a picture of Kevin Hart in search results of Bill Cosby’s net worth. Apparently the search used Hart to show that Cosby was a little short.

Rapper Iggy Azalea says she had a “psychotic breakdown” last year. To which the people who actually forked out money for her records and concert tickets say they can totally relate to.

Rapper Iggy Azalea says she had a “psychotic breakdown” last year. Or as Mel Gibson calls a psychotic breakdown, a pretty good synopsis of his career.

PBS says it is planning to launch a weekly series for “civil” debates on issues. Apparently it is for people who can’t take all the excitement high energy political verbal sparring they are constantly subjected to over at C-SPAN.

PBS says it is planning to launch a weekly series for “civil” debates on issues. Apparently the network knew it needed to tone things down when Barney threw a chair at a child performer who made a disparaging comment about gay marriage.

PBS says it is planning to launch a weekly series for “civil” debates on issues. It is tailored for the three people who actually don’t tune in to any of the network political coverage in the hopes of seeing Donald Trump punch an interviewer in the face.

“Teen Mom” star Catelynn Lowell has checked into rehab for anxiety and depression. Now who could have seen that coming?

“Teen Mom” star Catelynn Lowell has checked into rehab for anxiety and depression. Apparently eight years after getting pregnant at 16 and being on a TV show, she realized now she actually has to be a mom and raise the child.

Fabio has officially become a U.S. citizen. To celebrate, he rode a roller coaster and was hit in the face by a bald eagle.

Fabio has officially become a U.S. citizen. Which he says he will cherish keep forever or until Donald Trump is elected President, whichever comes first.

Facebook and Instagram are highlighting posts by what they think people want to see most, not by what is posted first. Which means selfies at the beach and everyone’s daily breakfast shots will just have to wait until everyone is done watching all the cat videos.

Astronaut Scott Kelly says the time was right for him to retire after spending nearly a year in space. The 52 year old says he wants to be able to enjoy the time he still has left between wearing astronaut diapers and having to switch over to Depends.

A report says the best cities for renting homes on Airbnb include Galveston and El Paso in Texas and Cleveland. The only problem is finding people who actually want to vacation in Galveston, El Paso or Cleveland.

A study says that drones are not as much of a danger to planes as the FAA says. In fact, airline pilots were barely able to hit any of the drones they were aiming for after only three or four cockpit drinks during inflight happy hour.

A survey says that young people prefer a Internet connectivity over daylight. Mostly because they don’t even like daylight as they barely ever seen any after locking themselves in their parents’ basements for 18 hours every day.

A UK professor won $700,000 for solving a 300 year old math problem. To which students in the U.S. are saying if he solves three more problems like that he would be a millionaire.

 A UK professor won $700,000 for solving a 300 year old math problem. Or as U.S. students know that, the amount of money they would get by working at their eventual job for 300 years.

A report says that researchers at the University of Chile have grown a chicken with dinosaur legs. U.S. researchers are calling it absurd and useless. Americans would have come up with something much more marketable, like a dinosaur with chicken legs.

Astronaut Jeff Williams has signed on to a mission that will give him the record for cumulative days in space at 534. The 58 year old grandfather says he enjoys the challenge, the adventure and a break from 8 hours every day playing “horsie.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company’s fight with the FBI is “about the future.” Which is hard to believe seeing as how the FBI’s technical skills seem to be stuck somewhere between the Victrola and the rotary phone.

Marco Rubio is reportedly near an endorsement for Ted Cruz for President. Apparently his choice between Cruz and Trump came down to deciding which was worse, “bonkers, berserk and cracked” or “crazy, insane and lunatic.”

Marco Rubio has ruled out being on the Republican ticket as the candidate for Vice President. Apparently he isn’t relishing the thought of becoming President in 2024 and only getting eight years to clean up the mess of Donald Trump or Ted Cruz.

Marco Rubio has ruled out running for Governor of Florida this year. Apparently he saw how tough it has been to try and get another job after leaving the post for Jeb Bush.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says he has been advising Donald Trump on foreign policy. Which for Trump pretty much means picking which of the countries he intends to blow up first.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says he has been advising Donald Trump on foreign policy. So far the best strategy is to cripple our enemies by getting them to adopt some of the economic policies Trump is trying to push for the U.S. as President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some more bad news from the music world with the announcement of the death of Emerson, Lake & Palmer keyboardist Keith Emerson. The trio was a groundbreaking group in the progressive rock movement of the 1970s along with other great groups like Yes, Genesis and Pink Floyd. He was a truly talented musician and I am still amazed by his work on the phenomenal “Karn Evil 9” which still gets decent airplay on classic rock stations. He was only 71 but apparently had some health problems that led to his taking his own life. So, a moment of silence for the great Keith Emerson before you take the time to also remember to make sure to send the love!

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