Thursday, March 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Lockheed is building a prototype plane they say will fly six times the speed of sound. Apparently it is being built in mind for use by JetBlue to make it to their destination on time after sitting on the tarmac five hours waiting to take off.

Los Angeles has topped a list of the U.S. cities with the worst traffic congestion, with an average of 81 hours sitting still in 2015. Although in all fairness some of those people were still stuck on the 405 in traffic jams left over from 2014.

Los Angeles has topped a list of the U.S. cities with the worst traffic congestion. Nationally, people were stuck in traffic for 8 Billion hours last year. Which could be even worse if people actually had jobs they needed to drive to every morning.

Los Angeles has topped a list of the U.S. cities with the worst traffic congestion. Nationally, people were stuck in traffic for 8 Billion hours last year. Fortunately, being stuck in traffic is the one time people aren’t crashing into each other while they are texting behind the wheel.

Thailand’s Buddhist monks are being put on a diet with more than half of them being reported overweight and called an “obesity time bomb.” Although it can be said to be an occupational hazard. Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha?

The upcoming Republican debate in Salt Lake City has been canceled as Donald Trump dropped out. Mostly because without Trump it would deteriorate into a discussion of the actual issues.

Companies are planning to replicate dead loved ones with robot clones. Although for most men, if relatives wanted to keep them around as they knew them they would just prop a mannequin up on the sofa.

Companies are planning to replicate dead loved ones with robot clones. Although in the case of Al Gore the question is how could anyone even tell?

A puppy was found that had been frozen in Russian permafrost for 12,400 years. It is the first case of a dog learning to obey the command “stay.”

Denmark has been rated the happiest country in the world. But then how upset would you be living in a country where the national food is the cheese Danish?

Denmark has been rated the happiest country in the world. Apparently it has to do with the anticipation all year for the three days when it is warm enough in the summer to actually go outside without a coat.

Former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was reportedly beaten by another inmate at the prison he is at in Colorado. Apparently he didn’t understand it when he was told he was going to learn a new way of making a sandwich.

The U.S. failed to make the top ten on a list of the happiest countries in the world. Which is no surprise when you figure our top source of entertainment is watching the Republican presidential candidates tear each other apart at their debates.

A British professor won a $700,000 prize by solving a 300 year old math problem. Others have actually come up with the correct answer but he was the first one who remembered to show his work.

A British professor won a $700,000 prize by solving a 300 year old math problem. Students were not impressed. Basic arithmetic has been around for thousands of years and they still are being asked to figure those out every day in their math class.

A British professor won a $700,000 prize by solving a 300 year old math problem. The $700,000 represents the amount of money spent over the years trying to solve the problem just on the cost of erasers.

Ford says that Millennials are buying bigger SUVs. Mostly because the bigger and darker they are in the back, the more it reminds them of all the time they spent living in their parents’ basement.

The Novartis heart failure pill Entresto has fallen well short of projected sales estimates. The good news is that it is now being widely prescribed to all the Novartis investors who just got their monthly stock report.

A Japanese beverage maker has come up with a soda that tastes like potato chips. Because nothing sounds as appetizing as a potato, cooking oil and salt put into a bottle along with carbonated water.

A Japanese beverage maker has come up with a soda that tastes like potato chips. That way they can give people the combined health benefits of fried and salty snacks along with the high sugar content of soft drinks.

Car makers are pledging to make automatic brakes standard by 2022. The bad news is that means people will actually have to look away from their cellphones while driving and pay attention to the road once in awhile for another six years.

The UK is planning to tax sugary drinks in a fight against obesity. A similar plan was dropped years ago because back then it was going to be used to try to prevent tooth loss.

A California high school student has won $150,000 in a contest for inventing a smartphone based lung analyzer. The device will come in handy for people with lung issues they developed from sitting around all day staring at their smartphone.

A report says that some employers are going to allow workers to watch March Madness on the job. Mostly because they are at least somewhat productive during commercial breaks as opposed to being completely consumed while watching their usual porn.

Maserati has recalled 28,000 cars for having an accelerator that can become stuck and cause the car to speed out of control. To which most people who would like to own a Maserati are saying “Isn’t that the point?”

Twitter turns ten years old next week. Which is ironic in that it acts like a ten year old by communicating with incomplete and fractured sentences, demands constant attention from everyone around and is years away from ever actually making any money.

A survey says that most investors want to get their money advice from another human. To which most robo-advisors are programmed to say “Two words: Bernie Madoff.”

A study says that heart health is linked to brain health. Which is bad news for the people who have heart problems because they weren’t smart enough to watch their diet and try to exercise once in awhile.

A study says that living around rats can cause depression. To which people living in the inner city are saying “Rats!”

A study says that living around rats can cause depression. Mostly because it’s depressing to know you are living in an area which is occupied by people who don’t have enough money to afford to pay for an exterminator.

A California woman claims that a visit to a hair salon resulted in her having a stroke. Mostly when she saw her hair stylist gave her the same cut as Miley Cyrus.

A study says that meditating before running can help treat depression. Especially for the people who meditate so long that they don’t have any time left to actually go for a run.

Researchers say there may soon be a beer that helps fight disease. To which most beer drinkers are asking if one of those diseases is a hangover.

Researchers say there may soon be a beer that helps fight disease. Hopefully, they will be the same diseases that men will eventually develop from all the beer they drink while sitting in front of the TV all weekend.

A study says that disruptive patients may induce doctors to make diagnostic mistakes. Not only that, but it could also be a very rough ride during the part of the visit where the doctor does a prostate exam.

A study says that 43% of women who quit smoking while they are pregnant pick up the habit again within six months after giving birth. The other 57% wait until they also start drinking heavily, right around the time their child becomes a teenager.

Casey Affleck and his Summer Phoenix are getting divorced after ten years of marriage. Most men don’t understand that as with a name like Summer Phoenix, she had to be incredibly hot.

Time has listed the 30 most influential people on the Internet. The rankings include Kanye West, Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump. Apparently they came in just behind a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Time has listed the 30 most influential people on the Internet. The compilation shows that all it takes to be a star in the digital age is to post naked selfies, personal rants and mugging for the camera on six second video clips.

Jerry Springer says that Donald Trump will not be President. But if he is elected, who better than Springer to be named as the next White House Press Secretary?

Cubs players are reportedly unhappy with a new Chicago law banning smokeless tobacco. What’s next, outlawing hypodermic needles and prescription pill bottles from the clubhouse?

Cubs players are reportedly unhappy with a new Chicago law banning smokeless tobacco. Pretty soon, smokeless tobacco will be as rare a sight at Wrigley Field as a World Series pennant.

Former Chicago Bulls guard Jay Williams says that 80% of NBA players use marijuana. That’s four out of five. Which means the one who isn’t using is the center because he is already high.

Nike has unveiled a line of self-tying shoes. The only problem is that people who are too fat to reach around their belly to tie a pair of shoes probably aren’t going to be interested in putting on a pair of basketball sneakers in the first place.

An algorithm can reportedly tell when people are drinking while tweeting. Apparently it’s pretty obvious when someone is sending out tweets with full words because they are too drunk to figure out the abbreviations.

An algorithm can reportedly tell when people are drinking while tweeting. Or as most women know those, 2:00 AM booty calls.

Pigeons wearing small backpacks are being used to monitor the air quality in London. Although ironically, the best way to improve the air quality would be to get rid of all the pigeons and what they leave behind on all the statues, benches and cars.

Pope Francis I has gotten his own Instagram account. The only problem is he can’t find a selfie stick long enough to include all of his Mitre in the pictures he wants to post.

A Historian has discovered secret notes hidden in a 500 year old Bible. Apparently the messages hint that David beat Goliath because he was using PEDs.

A Historian has discovered secret notes hidden in a 500 year old Bible. The messages say that Mary and Joseph kept the gold and frankincense that were given to Jesus by the Magi but regifted the myrrh for a friend’s baby shower.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says that robots and immigrants will reduce jobs. Which is even worse when you consider all the immigrants who are coming to the U.S. and getting jobs building all the robots.

Former Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says the GOP establishment is “done for” after Donald Trump’s success. Which is exactly what everyone was also saying about his campaign the day he announced he was running for President.

Michelle Obama says she will not be running for President. She wouldn’t have a chance anyway, especially when today’s students are old enough to vote and remember her as the person who tried to take junk food out of the schools.

Donald Trump is warning that his supporters will riot if he doesn’t get the Republican presidential nomination. As opposed to right now when they just riot during his personal appearances.

Donald Trump is warning that his supporters will riot if he doesn’t get the Republican presidential nomination. The will also riot if he does get the nomination and wins or loses the general election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! So, I am wondering if it might be a good idea to invest in Canadian real estate just in case Donald Trump winds up in the White House and everyone even just slightly left of fascist decides to move north. Are you with me on the thinking for that one? They can’t move south because the wall will also be there to keep us in. Sounds like I might be on to something. Let me know what you think when you also take the time to remember to make sure and send the love!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny comments about Trump. Of course we both know that it's the left wing kooks that are rioting and being disruptive. They are being encouraged and in some cases paid by MoveOn.org and other Left Wing organizations to cause trouble. I think we both know when push comes to shove, all these nut jobs saying they will leave the country if Trump gets elected won't follow through with their "threats". I wish they would. We would be better off with most of them gone. That alone is a good reason to vote for Trump.

As to Trump himself, he is a loose cannon for sure. He has a lot to learn. But one thing we can't deny, he is a successful businessman. He is self funding his campaign and owes nothing to anyone. He can't be controlled and that's why the "establishment" is so desperate to stop him. Considering we have had a President for the last 8 years that has seriously damaged the country in too many ways to list here, and the choices on the Democrat side are either a pathological liar and criminal with an indictment hanging over her head, or an admitted Socialist, a Trump presidency might be the best way to go. At least if he destroys the country, it won't be on purpose. The same can't be said of the liar/criminal or Socialist.

tc in bc said...

A British professor won a $700,000 prize by solving a 300 year old math problem. The $700,000 represents the amount of money spent over the years trying to solve the problem just on the cost of erasers.

lol