Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!

Madonna reacted to reports she was inebriated during recent concerts by saying she could never do her shows while high or drunk. That’s the state of mind she reserves for the people who have to sit through her performances.

Dating site WhereWhitePeopleMeet.com say they are not racist. The only problem is that their name confuses people who think it might be a place to sign up for tickets to a Donald Trump rally.

Harrison Ford is set to star in the 5th “Indiana Jones” movie. This time the plot revolves around the search to dig up Harrison Ford.

A report says that no DNA was found on the knife taken from the O.J. Simpson’s house. Of course, to the O.J. Simpson jury, DNA stood for “Deliberate, Nullify, Acquit.”

A report says that no DNA was found on the knife taken from the O.J. Simpson’s house. Which didn’t matter anyway since the jury ignored all the other evidence that was full of O.J.’s DNA.

Amazon has patented a system that lets people pay with a wink of their eye. Which many men have found out a wink of the eye can start the ball rolling where they pay out half of everything they own.

Children as young as 8 are being paid teachers’ salaries as part of an ID scam in Nigeria. Apparently it is the easies way for young people to cheat people online until they are old enough to pose as a prince.

President Obama says the “vicious rhetoric” in the 2016 presidential campaign a “race to the bottom.” To which most people are saying they thought we already won that race back in 2007.

Myanmar has ended a half century of military rule by electing a civilian president. Apparently they realized the only reason the country even has a military to keep people from overthrowing the president.

A Google computer won a series of games of the Chinese game Go by beating a world class champion 4 to 1. Although in all honesty, the way to become a world class champion at Go is to become one of the three people who actually knows how to play it.

A Google computer won a series of games of the Chinese game Go by beating a world class champion 4 to 1. Which was a lot better than when the computer took on Wall Street executives at Monopoly and was left with just its motherboard, a few circuits and its mainframe up on wooden blocks.

A Google computer won a series of games of the Chinese game Go by beating a world class champion 4 to 1. The outcome was much easier than the time the computer left four kindergarteners crying after taking their lunch money over a match of “Candyland.”

Iran claims it took 13,000 pages of information from laptops, GPS devices and maps from the captured U.S. sailors. To which the FBI is now planning a mission where they send a sailor into enemy territory carrying the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone.

Pharmaceutical company Valeant stock dropped 50% on news of a possible default. The good news is their sales should soon go back up with investors getting prescriptions for migraines, high blood pressure and anxiety.

Google says that 77% of its online traffic is encrypted. The other 23% is information that is being sent by people other than terrorists, software pirates and cyberstalkers.

Chipotle has hired its first food safety czar. He says getting the company back on track will be as easy as a-b-c-d-E.coli.

Chipotle has hired its first food safety czar. It’s the second most difficult high profile job other than the person who has been hired to keep the peace at Donald Trump rallies.

A study says that Donald Trump has received $2 Billion worth of free media coverage. Which means he is running his campaigns like all his businesses, becoming successful by using other people’s money.

A study says that Donald Trump has received $2 Billion worth of free media coverage. That doesn’t even include the hours of free time he has gotten on CNN with a net value as high as $27.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says he has asked Donald Trump to condemn the violence at his rallies. To which Trump points out to McConnell how little luck he has had trying to condemn Obamacare the past six years.

Volkswagen investors have filed a $3.7 Billion lawsuit over the automaker’s diesel emissions scandal. The company says it will fight the legal action, although the plaintiffs are saying that once again VW is just blowing smoke.

The CDC has released guidelines to limit prescriptions of opioid painkillers. Apparently they are asking doctors to have stricter standards than when a patient says they have an “owie.”

The CDC has released guidelines to limit prescriptions of opioid painkillers. The only problem is cutting back on prescription painkillers could wipe out half the economy of the state of Alabama.

LinkedIn and Virgin America are teaming up to offer online courses inflight. As opposed to travelers on United who are much better off using their Internet time in the air to line up another connecting flight after sitting on the runway for the past five hours.

The U.S. is planning to ease restrictions for Americans who want to visit Cuba. Mostly allowing self-inflating rafts to be taken on airline flights for the trip back home.

For the first time, the NFL has acknowledged a link between football and brain disease. The league immediately took it back, saying the official who made that announcement was suffering from some kind of concussion.

A study says that most people who get measles were not vaccinated. Mostly because they didn’t have enough money to get their inoculations after making their trip reservations to Disneyland.

A study says that anxiety and depression could reduce the chances of women being successful with IVF. Although they haven’t seen depression and anxiety until they have been knocked up by some guy they never hear from again.

A study says that anxiety and depression could reduce the chances of women being successful with IVF. Fortunately, the anxiety and depression don’t really appear for most women until the children they give birth to grow up to be teenagers.

Doctors are stumped by a 17 year old UK girl who bleeds from her eyes, ears and nose every day. Although they think it might have something to do with watching more than five minutes of any of the Republican presidential debates.

A study says that retirement may be good for people’s health. Mostly the ones who are happy knowing they saved up enough money to retire before they hit 90.

A study says that obesity report cards for kids don’t spur weight loss. Especially the ones who take their study hall in the cafeteria.

A study says that obesity report cards for kids don’t spur weight loss. Which is unfortunate since gaining weight is the one part of school where most students get their highest marks.

A study says that one in four seniors leaves the hospital with superbugs on their hands. Which is better than the other three who leave the hospital in a bag.

A study says that one in four seniors leaves the hospital with superbugs on their hands. The other three make sure they don’t eat any of the hospital food using their fingers.

A study says that excess cellphone use by college students may mean the user has anxiety or depression. Mostly from not having any face to face contact with another human over the past four years.

A study says that excess cellphone use by college students may mean the user has anxiety or depression. Whatever happened to the days when college students had anxiety and depression over their grades and fraternity hazing?

A study says that excess cellphone use by college students may mean the user has anxiety or depression. Or it could mean they are like every other college student on the planet.

A study says that cold turkey could be the best method to quit smoking. Which for people who used cigarettes for an appetite suppressant, that means going to the refrigerator and actually eating an entire turkey.

Corona has recalled some of its bottles that may contain small particles of glass. As opposed to bottles of Coors Light which are still being suspected of containing small particles of alcohol.

Judge Judy is being sued by a former agent over her salary and profits from the series. The case is on hold until it’s decided if the venue will be changed over to the court of Judge Greg Mathis Judge Joe Brown, or Judge Maria Lopez.

Arnold Palmer says he will not hit the ceremonial first tee shot at the Masters this year. Instead, tournament officials will try to appeal to more women by having Elin Nordegren reenact chasing Tiger Woods down the street waving a 9 iron.

Chipotle says its sales have been recovering but were still down 26% in February. The problem is that sales will continue to be down as long as their burritos keep coming back up.

Apple says the U.S. founding fathers “would be appalled” at the order from the Department of Justice to cooperate with the FBI. Although the founders would probably be more appalled to see Apple has helped turn the nation into zombies who stare mindlessly into computer and phone screens 18 hours a day.

The Department of Justice is using the All Writs Act of 1789 to try to get Apple to cooperate with the FBI. Although when it comes to the FBI and their technical skills, maybe they should instead be using the Half Wits Act.

Anonymous says it has declared “total war” with Donald Trump, telling followers to take his websites offline. Although if they really want to hurt Trump, the best way would be to actually make it easier for people to see what he wants to do with the country.

The only known handwritten copy of a Shakespeare work will soon be available online. In it, the Bard urges the humane treatment of refugees. Which is similar to the humane treatment asked of teachers by students not to make them read any more Shakespeare.

Donald Trump and a spokesperson are denying reports of concerns about the behavior of his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. Apparently they won’t become alarmed until he starts acting like a Trump supporter.

Ted Cruz thanked Marco Rubio for running an “optimistic campaign.” Optimistic in the fact that he actually thought he had a chance of winning by sticking to the issues.

Marco Rubio has dropped out of the presidential race, saying that he was “on the right side, but not the winning side.” Although he has to understand if being on the right side meant winning, we would not have had eight years of George W. Bush.

Republican Texas Congressman Pete Sessions is proposing a resolution to recognize magic as a “national treasure.” And who better to celebrate magic than the members of Congress who somehow managed to make $18 Trillion just disappear into thin air.

Republican Texas Congressman Pete Sessions is proposing a resolution to recognize magic as a “national treasure.” Many congressmen practice the art, as is evidenced during interviews when they always manage to pull answers right out of their backside.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday was the Ides of March, which is only fitting seeing the political climate that has overtaken the country this year. Although the unfortunate part is if you ask most people today who Caesar was, they will say he’s the guy who says “Pizza! Pizza!” At least I am getting a lot of good material

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