Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Morgan Stanley says the risk of a global recession is 30% in 2016. Mostly because the global economy is 30% what it was back in the first recession in 2007.

Morgan Stanley says the risk of a global recession is 30% in 2016. Mostly for the countries who invested 30% of their money into the U.S. economy.

A survey by a police union says that 87% of the NYPD feels the city is less safe. It’s just too bad they aren’t members of some kind of organization that had the power to possibly do something about that.

Scientists say they are close to developing a birth control pill for men. Apparently it is simply counteracts the effects of the Viagra, Cialis and Levitra they need to take if they are going to have sex.

134 cars were involved in a freeway pileup in North Carolina. The ironic part is that the crash was caused when they were all simultaneously looking at their Waze app on their cellphones to find a faster way to get where they were going.

A report says that meditation and mindfulness is a $1 Billion a year business. Which is nowhere near the money lost by businesses every year from employees who sit around all morning meditating about what they are going to eat for lunch.

A report says that meditation and mindfulness is a $1 Billion a year business. Which is nothing compared to the trillions of dollars generated by Wall Street executives meditating about how they can pull of the next scam to take everyone’s money.

A study says that virtual assistants on smartphones fall short of providing help during emergencies. Not only that, but when authorities access the phone to see what happened, Siri is programmed to say “I didn’t see nothin’!”

A study says that virtual assistants on smartphones fall short of providing help during emergencies. Mostly because Cortana is still recovering from the injuries sustained the last time there was a crisis involving Naomi Campbell.

A report says that Donald Trump’s proposed alternative to Obamacare would cause a $500 Billion budget deficit and would end health care coverage for 21 Million Americans. In other words, he would start running the health industry like his businesses.

A study says that 13.1 Million people living near the coast will be in danger of flooding by the end of the century from rising sea levels. The good news is that gives those people enough time to pay off their mortgage and finally have enough money left over to afford some flood insurance.

The former editor of Gawker who published the Hulk Hogan sex tape says he was practicing journalism. Which makes perfect sense when you think of what the major media is covering when it comes to the 2016 presidential campaign.

The former editor of Gawker who published the Hulk Hogan sex tape says he was practicing journalism. Which makes it hard to believe the people who published the sex tapes of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson were never even nominated for a Pulitzer.

Lloyd Shapley, a mathematician who developed a theory used in putting people together in relationships has died at 92. Apparently he felt he outlived his usefulness after being replaced by the app for Match.com.

A report says one person filed 6,500 complaints about noise at Reagan National Airport in Washington, D.C. Although that still was fewer than the ones filed by the people in D.C. living near the home of Joe Biden.

A report says one person filed 6,500 complaints about noise at Reagan National Airport in Washington, D.C. Apparently the person had no idea when they moved near an airport that there might actually be some jets flying over the area once in awhile.

The government is planning to make it easier for student loan borrowers to sue their colleges when they believe they have been wronged. Like any graduates who realize they just finished paying off $100,000 in loans to get a degree from UNLV.

It’s estimated that $9.2 Billion will be wagered on this year’s March Madness. That doesn’t even include the 37 cents that is expected to be placed on Fairleigh Dickenson, Austin Peay and Weber State.

Wall Street expert Asher Edelman, whom the character Gordon Gekko was reportedly based on says Bernie Sanders would be best for the economy. Which Wall Street executives are hoping for so once the economy improves they can rob the country blind again.

Former Goldman Sachs director Rajat Gupta has been released from serving two years in prison for insider trading. News of his conviction was a shock, as a Wall Street banker going to jail is about as likely as an NBA player being whistled for traveling.

A report says that March Madness could cost employers $4 Billion in lost production. Which is no big deal since the basketball games will keep workers away from online porn, social media and dating sites which usually costs their businesses $10 Billion.

A report says that many experts are skeptical that Donald Trump’s trade threats will work. Apparently Trump plans to balance the trade deficit by pledging to make sure all the hair care products he uses are made only in the U.S.

The co-CEOs of Chipotle took a 50% pay cut last year but still made $14 Million each. The money will be used in the restaurant chain’s strategy to attract people by becoming the first business to offer health insurance not only to employees but also to customers.

Airbnb will launch a feature for neighbors to file complaints about renters online. Which will have about the same results as hitting the “like” button for a cat video on Facebook.

The CEO of Anglo American took an 8% pay cut last year. The news caused some confusion in that people assume the person running a company called Anglo American must be Donald Trump.

A Kellogg’s employee was video taped urinating on an assembly line. Company officials are just glad he wasn’t working on the line that was carrying All Bran.

A Kellogg’s employee was video taped urinating on an assembly line. Apparently it was the line carrying the new cereal called “Special P.”

A study says obese women taking the Pill are at a risk of stroke. Mostly when they wake up in the morning and see who was still willing to sleep with a fat woman.

Scientists say there could soon be a pill to ward off cavities. Although the ones sold in England for obvious reasons won’t be available in chewable form.

Scientists say there could soon be a pill to ward off cavities. Or as they call that in Alabama, a placebo.

Doctors in New York state will soon stop sending out prescriptions on paper and instead go all digital. Although pharmacists will be lost in trying to figure out what medicine to give patients on a prescription they can actually read.

A study says that eating blueberries can help fight dementia. Although the way to tell that they aren’t working is when people go out to pick blueberries and never return.

A study says that eating blueberries can help fight dementia. Although a better way is to give someone grapefruit, and if they try to eat it they obviously forgot what it was like to try and eat one before.

Stanford is trying to get high school students to become “sleep ambassadors” to spread the word to others on the importance of sleep. Although any student getting enough sleep isn’t spending as much time on the books as it takes to get into Stanford.

Stanford is trying to get high school students to become “sleep ambassadors” to spread the word to others on the importance of sleep. The only problem is when those sleep ambassadors have teachers who want to be their charge d’affaires.

The series finale of “Downton Abbey” picked up 9.6 Million viewers in the U.S. Apparently their biggest competition over at the Log Burning In A Fireplace Channel was just showing reruns.

The series finale of “Downton Abbey” picked up 9.6 Million viewers in the U.S. Which was considerably fewer than the final episode of its American TV counterpart, “Green Acres.”

Richard Simmons is denying reports he is being held as virtual hostage by his housekeeper, telling people “no one should worry” about him. Which is comforting to the three people who were actually worrying about Richard Simmons.

Richard Simmons is denying reports he is being held as virtual hostage by his housekeeper, saying it’s “almost like we’re a married couple.” Other than the fact that she is a woman.

Nielsen says that Taylor Swift videos get better “ratings” than most network TV shows. Mostly because they are harder than following a soap opera in trying to figure out which former boyfriend she wrote the song about.

President Obama says he is not ready to rate Stephen Curry better than Michael Jordan yet. He won’t be that highly regarded until he has the clout to sue a restaurant for using his picture in an ad and win $10 Million.

A report says that 400 Million people will rely on robotic car sharing by 2030. Which could cripple the economies of most U.S. cities that get most of their revenue from the courtroom penalties collected from parking fines, traffic tickets and DUIs.

A major Silicon Valley investor is being sued by a woman who claims he kept her as a “sexual slave” for 13 years. He denies it, saying they were in a “kind and mutually loving relationship.” Which has people asking isn’t that pretty much the plot line from “Misery”?

A major Silicon Valley investor is being sued by a woman who claims he kept her as a “sexual slave” for 13 years. He denies it, saying they were in a “kind and mutually loving relationship.” Or as most tech geeks call that, a fairy tale romance.

A panel says that Cuban innovation is ready to explode into the tech world. In fact, there are already more than a thousand programs written that show how to build a seaworthy raft by using just styrofoam, steel barrels and duct tape.

A panel says that Cuban innovation is ready to explode into the tech world. Don’t we already have that? It’s called AOL.

United Airlines is running regular flights from Los Angeles to San Francisco that are powered by 30% biofuel made of animal fats and nonedible plant oils. Which means the entire fleet could be fueled just by the leftovers from the LAX franchise of Denny’s.

Google is offering $100,000 to anyone who can hack into a Chromebook computer. In an unrelated development, the FBI is offering $100,000 to anyone who can help several of their agents remember the password to their computers, laptops and smartphones.

Protest organizers in Brazil are using analytics to measure attendance. Or they could use the same method as Donald Trump does for his rallies as take the maximum occupation at the venue and multiply it by 50.

The latest “Star Wars” merchandise features Darth Vader as a toothpick dispenser. Apparently it comes with the inscription, “May the floss be with you.”

Movie theaters in China are having ushers shine laser lights at people using cellphones during movies. Which is a different experience than in U.S. theaters where a laser light in a movie theater usually means someone is drawing a bead on you with their AK-47.

Astronomers say they have found the biggest structure in the universe. At least, the biggest structure that doesn’t have a large sign on it saying “Trump.”

Ben Carson says that even if Donald Trump is a bad President he will only be in office four years. Which doesn’t sound that bad until you realize he has completely divided the country and we still have eight months to go just for the election.

 
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back on my regular schedule after a few days off to earn my black belt in Karate. That was a long two and a half years of going to class four days a week and practicing quite a bit at home as well. If I had worked that hard in school and at my job I may have actually amounted to something. Although I do work that hard at my jokes and look where that got me. Here. Which isn’t bad, at least on the days when all of you remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!

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