Sunday, March 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

“Dog Whisperer” Cesar Millan is being investigated over a complaint of animal cruelty. Apparently what he has been whispering to dogs is “You’re my bitch now.”

Porn star James Deen denies he violated workplace safety laws by not providing condoms for actors on set. Although his description of not having any condoms in porn films is a “wardrobe malfunction.”

Caitlyn Jenner says the “country is over” if Hillary Clinton is elected President. Which seems a bit extreme, considering we have been able to survive nine years of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

Georgia officials found a “suspicious” package at a middle school was full of homework. The worst part is that the most suspicious part was finding a backpack at a school in Georgia that actually contained homework.

A radical concept airplane that could be available by 2050 would come with 1,000 seats. It’s being looked at by Southwest Airlines as a way to carry 1,500 passengers.

An elderly woman’s body was found inside a freezer in South Dakota. The sad part is that she apparently climbed inside looking for a place where she could warm up a little.

Experts say that a Minnesota judge’s plan to de-radicalize teenage terrorists is “dubious.” Almost as much as other judges’ plan to actually try to send criminals to prison with the goal of rehabilitating them.

Defense Secretary Ashton Carter is finalizing his strategy to begin putting women into combat. The proposal calls for women to get used to full-scale fighting by having them work security at a Donald Trump rally.

The maker of the first “hoverboard” has debuted a new model. Apparently the original models didn’t take into account when people said they wanted flames painted on the side they didn’t mean real ones.

Ben Carson has endorsed Donald Trump, saying the two have “buried the hatchet.” Which came as no surprise that the endorsement used a phrase that completely offended every Native American in the country.

Students at Trump University say they were urged to give positive reviews to the courses and their teachers. Which comes as no surprise as the same thing is required to anyone who worked on Trump’s campaign, at his businesses or on his TV shows.

A study says Daylight Saving Time disrupts sleep and is bad for people’s health. Especially for the men who get caught by their wives while sneaking back into their bedroom because they forgot to set their clocks for the time change.

The International Energy Agency says oil prices may have bottomed out. Which is a switch considering that gasoline prices were responsible for most households seeing their yearly budgets bottom out for the past seven years.

Polling says that better educated Republicans are backing Donald Trump over Ted Cruz. In the case of people supporting Trump and Cruz, “better educated” means someone who actually finished the third grade.

Donald Trump says there are actually “two different Trumps.”It’s just too bad that neither of them is very compassionate, humble or personable.

A Pizza Hut contest on National Pi Day that involves solving math problems could end up with someone winning 3.14 years of pizza pies. The irony is that pi is mostly used by people eating pizza to figure out how much larger their circumference has grown.

Several major automakers are testing systems that will monitor drivers to keep them awake behind the wheel. Especially those with GM cars who end up losing sleep driving their car back and forth to the dealer for the latest round of recalls.

Major automakers are testing a system that will monitor drivers to keep them awake behind the wheel. The best way is telling drivers their car has Takata airbags so they are afraid to fall asleep knowing a crash will send them right through the windshield.

A study says that passing three gun laws could cut U.S. gun violence by 90%. The proposed laws all deal with finding ways to keep guns and bullets out of the hands of people living in Florida.

Deutsche Bank says it is cutting bonuses 17%, citing a “challenging” 2015. Which was challenging mostly because of people not having any money left after what Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions did to everyone back in 2007.

A study says that people who read iPads 30 minutes before going to bed become less sleepy. Especially the men who are afraid to go to sleep when their wife sees who they were chatting with online.

A new app allows people to order birth control that is delivered to their front door. Which is mostly needed by the people whose other apps are for, Ashley Madison and eHarmony.

Underwear ads from Lane Bryant were rejected as being too racy by NBC and ABC. It wasn’t even an issue with CBS since the only underwear used by their viewers is made by Depends.

Underwear ads from Lane Bryant were rejected as being too racy by NBC and ABC. Apparently we’ve gotten so fat that plus sized underwear is now more sexy to most Americans who don’t even notice the commercials aired by Victoria’s Secret.

Actress Rebel Wilson says she had a drink at a club that may have been spiked. It must have been right before she actually signed a contract to appear in the movie “How To Be Single.”

Marco Rubio’s campaign is urging supporters to back John Kasich in Ohio over Donald Trump. How bad is it when a candidate can’t even count on supporters to vote for them?

Johnny Manziel has been released by the Cleveland Browns. Even Ryan Leaf is saying that was sure a short career.

Johnny Manziel has been released by the Cleveland Browns. The team wanted to move him over to water boy but every time they put him there he kept asking “What’s water?”

A startup is looking to offer first-run movies to people’s homes for $50. Although people who like the theater experience can duplicate it by paying another $75 for concessions along with strangers who will sit through the entire movie talking on their cellphones.

Chemists say it is possible to invent colors that don’t even exist now. Although some colors haven’t been completely cataloged, like the 17 different shades of red that make up Mel Gibson’s face when he is pulled over for a traffic violation.

Chemists say it is possible to invent colors that don’t even exist now.  However, some people say that would be an insult to the memory of the late Roy G. Biv.

The government has criticized Apple for what it calls an attitude that is “corrosive” to American democracy. Who does Apple think they are, the government?

The government has criticized Apple for what it calls an attitude that is “corrosive” to American democracy. Although if the government thinks Apple is corrosive, they have never done any large scale deals buying vehicles from Chrysler.

Senior centers and retirement communities are offering programs to help the elderly cope with technology. Needing the most help fastest are the ones who just finally figured out how to get their VCR from constantly flashing “12:00.”

Two surfers have invented a floating trash can they say can help clean the oceans. Which is different than what most people think about when they hear about a floating trash can. Carnival cruise ships.

The government is citing the 1807 treason trial of Aaron Burr in its battle with Apple to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone. Which is interesting because all this time people thought that Burr was more into using Android.

The White House says that President Obama’s Supreme Court nomination could come as early as next week. In the meantime, he will work on his other plans that have just as much chance of passing the Senate like raising taxes on the wealthy, passing a new version of Obamacare and giving citizenship to every immigrant in the country.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am running a little late in getting these jokes out today, and there are a few less than usual but for a good reason. I was busy attending a seminar for Karate in which I was also testing for Shodan, or first degree black belt. I am happy to say that both my daughter Summer and I both passed and are now officially afraid of each other. It was a lot of fun, and a lot of work. And as Mr. T would say, it was also a lot of PAIN! A hobby like playing chess wouldn’t be as exciting but I would at least be able to walk around without purple toes that stick out at 45 degree angles. Wait, that isn’t normal? Anyway, back to a more normal schedule for now. I just needed to put in a little more time to avoid flunking a test that I have been working on passing for the past two and a half years. No pressure there. So while there is nothing you can do for my semi-permanent limp and hunched posture, at least you can take away some of the pain by remembering to take the time to make sure to always send the love!

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