Friday, March 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump's former butler says the presidential candidate is generous and “a nice guy.” Which will sit well as an endorsement for all the people who can afford to have a domestic staff.

A report says the FBI is instructing high schools to inform them of any students who are anti-government. Which to most students these days, being anti-government means they flunked out of their civics class.

A report says the FBI is instructing high schools to inform them of any students who are anti-government. Although those students should be praised for at least knowing what the government does that they don’t like.

Twitter is giving out bonuses to workers to stop the talent drain at the company. Although with its stock value falling 60% and the company never coming close to making a profit, maybe it’s a good idea to just let them all go.

Police in South Padre Island, Texas will be using drones to monitor spring breakers. While the initial cost of the drones could be expensive, the city can get all that back and more by selling the videos they take to “Girls Gone Wild.”

A Chicago man has been arrested for jamming cellphone service on the subway. Mostly because without their cellphones to keep them occupied for hours, riders went back to their old habits on the subway of flashing, groping and picking pockets.

A study says that bright lights at night can lead to obesity. Especially when the light is the one that always comes on when people open the refrigerator door.

Donald Trump impersonator Darrell Hammond says when Trump was on “Saturday Night Live” he arrived early and stayed late at practice. More than likely so he could tell the cast, crew and producers how to do their jobs.

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck says that he “can’t trust” the Drudge Report. Which means it has been at least three days since Drudge has brought up anything about Monica Lewinsky or updates on the investigations into Benghazi and Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.

A report says a Harvard task force is recommending expelling students who join all-male clubs. Which doesn’t bode well for the school’s performance in the upcoming football, basketball and baseball seasons.

A report says a Harvard task force is recommending expelling students who join all-male clubs. Fortunately for the students, they have to wait until graduation before being asked to join the Harvard faculty.

A study says that modern evolution resulted from using tools to help process food making it easier to chew. Which means we were still living in the trees and dragging our knuckles while walking until the day someone finally invented the Cuisinart.

A study says that modern evolution resulted from using tools to help process food making it easier to chew. Which is why Neanderthals can always be seen meeting for dinner over at the local Sizzler.

A study says that 46% of California residents are pre-diabetic. The other 54% couldn’t participate in the research because they had to take their daily insulin shots.

A report says that U.S. credit card debt is at $917 Billion. Of course, that is for only $1,000 in purchases. The rest covers the interest for keeping the balance for a couple of months.

Canada has become a U.S. creditor for the first time. The only problem for them will be having to fight China for all the assets when we finally declare bankruptcy.

Canada has become a U.S. creditor for the first time. Which is no surprise that the gamble on loaning us money would come from a country that has a currency they call the Loonie.

California has approved raising the smoking age to 21. Which caused a lot of concern for young adults who will have to find someone to buy them the blunts they need to fill up with all their weed.

IKEA’s billionaire founder says he buys his clothes at flea markets to save money. Mostly because he got tired of worrying about snagging expensive clothing on the cheap furniture he sells.

Coca-Cola’s stock prices are at record levels. Which means it would be a good time to also start investing in companies that make dental instruments.

A Microsoft project created an Artificial Intelligence 17 year old girl named Xiaoice that communicates with 40 Million followers in China. Mostly middle aged men who are asking if she has a Myspace account they can chat on.

An analysis says that Buffalo, New York has the shortest commute time of any large city of around 20 minutes. Of course, that doesn’t include the three hours spent each day by drivers digging their car out of a snowdrift to be able to drive to work and back.

A report says that nearly $1 Billion in IRS refunds is about to be forfeited because they go back more than three years. Mostly because no one thought they still had enough of an income to even file a return back in 2012.

Americans have named the economy and government the nation’s top two problems in March. Which is no problem because if Donald Trump is elected President, by next January he will have already pretty much destroyed both of them.

Scientists have found that “good cholesterol” can sometimes be bad. Which shows that we can’t be mad at our politicians because even they don’t flip flop on the issues as much as health researchers.

A study says the more hours people put in at work, the greater the risk of heart disease. Which means Obamacare has helped all those people who don’t have to worry about getting sick because their employer cut their hours back to avoid giving them insurance.

A study says the more hours people put in at work, the greater the risk of heart disease. Which is even more good news for the people who will live years longer to be able to pay off their debt from being either unemployed or on part time status since 2007.

Scientists are suggesting a link between the Herpes virus and Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly from the men who keep telling their wives their mind is a complete blank as to how they might have picked up their case of Herpes.

A study says that nearly 60% of what Americans eat is junk food. What’s worse is that the other 40% is comprised of the natural ingredients found in fat, salt and sugar.

A generic version of Viagra has been approved by the FDA. Apparently it is for people who are just having casual sex.

A generic version of Viagra has been approved by the FDA. It’s mostly for men who can only score with plain looking women.

A study says that sighing helps clear out the lungs and that humans would die without it. To which most people rolled their eyes and said “Oh, brother.”

Madonna started a concert in Melbourne, Australia more than four hours late. That’s what happens when the makeup crew has to work overtime to take in consideration the view of the fans sitting less than 100 feet from the stage.

Ohio State football head coach Urban Meyer has endorsed Governor John Kasich for President. Apparently it has to do with his policies, familiarity and the fact that Kasich controls the purse strings for every department at OSU.

Ohio State football head coach Urban Meyer has endorsed Governor John Kasich for President. Although that isn’t exactly what Kasich’s advisers meant when they said he needed to do something to get more of the urban vote.

LeBron James says “I’ll kidnap my momma” to win. Although if he really wants to win he will listen to his momma and pass it to someone else when it comes to shooting any last second buzzer beaters.

A survey says that Americans feel robots will take jobs, but not theirs. Mostly because Americans know their jobs are much more at risk of being taken over by immigrants.

A study says that Australia’s Koala population has a problem with chlamydia. Wouldn’t you know that it would be an animal in Australia that has issues down under.

Workers reportedly botched the restoration of a 1,000 year old castle in Spain. It was the most unsightly restoration ever done other than the ones that end up with a big sign in the front saying “Trump.”

A new high tech bra measures the wearer’s heart and respiratory rates. Which is nothing to the increase in the heart and respiratory rates of any men in the area when the bra comes off.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As promised, I have a (slightly) shorter blog today and will again for Monday as I am testing this weekend for my black belt in Karate. It will wrap up a two and a half year effort that was necessary to learn to defend myself from people who have read my latest round of jokes. The best part is that I will be testing along with my daughter who has really done a great job with becoming involved in the martial arts. So the next time I write, I might be signing off as “Sensei.” Or as many of you already call me, “senseless.” In any event, I hope you all have a good weekend. Wish me luck, and if you have any extra time make sure to remember to always send the love!

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