Thursday, March 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Chipotle restaurant in Massachusetts closed because a worker was diagnosed with norovirus. Which Chipotle is using to its advantage, telling customers to just imagine they are at the Mexican buffet on a Carnival cruise ship.

A Chipotle restaurant in Massachusetts closed because a worker was diagnosed with norovirus. Which is part of Chipotle’s new advertising campaign, “At least now it isn’t E.coli.”

Canada is mandating that half the movies produced there have a woman director. The other half can consist of something other than meaningful conversation over wine.

A Google computer beat the human world champion in the Chinese game of Go. Which means fears of robots taking over the planet will be a reality just as soon as world leaders are determined by board games.

A startup company says it can predict the next stock market selloff. Which isn’t that hard to figure out. It should be within about three minutes of Donald Trump being declared the winner of the November presidential election.

A Vietnamese woman gave birth to twins with different fathers. Adding to the confusion is that both fathers are from North Vietnam so she knew them both as “Charlie.”

An official says Maria Sharapova ignored several warnings that she was taking an illegal drug. Not only that, she had been using it for the past ten years. Which shows that at least tennis is every bit as serious about drug violations as Major League Baseball.

An official says Maria Sharapova ignored several warnings that she was taking an illegal drug. Mostly because getting warned for a drug violation in tennis is just slightly less common and taken about as seriously as being called for a foot fault.

A study says that short men experience “reduced chances in life.” What’s worse is that Donald Trump could find his chances at becoming President set back just for having small hands.

A study says that short men experience “reduced chances in life.” Which doesn’t help when the nicknames they are given include “Sneezy,” “Dopey” and “Grumpy.”

A study says that short men experience “reduced chances in life.” Although just try to tell that to David Spade, Sylvester Stallone and Tom Cruise.

Carly Fiorina has endorsed Ted Cruz for President. Which means he will be able to pick up support from all six of the people who voted for her in the primaries.

Carly Fiorina has endorsed Ted Cruz for President. The scary part is that she picked him because she feels he will run the country the same way she ran Hewlett-Packard.

Government workers in Tanzania have been banned from using social media and chat apps during work hours. The only problem will be finding something else to occupy their time for the extra seven hours they have on their shift after actually doing some work.

Government workers in Tanzania have been banned from using social media and chat apps during work hours. They’ll just have to be like public workers in the U.S. and just use that extra time to ignore the people standing in line.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un claims to have a miniaturized atomic warhead. Which sounds like he is using a metaphor to try to get an invitation to the next Republican presidential debate.

A survey says 54% of Millennials say they will save or invest their tax refund. Which is the good part about not needing money to pay rent or utilities while living in their parents’ basement.

A study says that CEO pay is based on who sits at the head of the boardroom table. Which is usually good news for the top executive, especially when it is another company’s CEO.

Dos Equis beer is retiring the character of “the most interesting man in the world.” The company knew it made the right call when the announcement was met with total indifference.

Dos Equis beer is retiring the character of “the most interesting man in the world.” The decision was made when it turned out nobody actually wanted to have a beer with him.

Cuba says it won’t alter its revolutionary ideals after President Obama’s visit to the country. Although it might be time to reconsider considering the revolution has been going on for 60 years and they have just now gotten rotary phone dialing.

An Arab billionaire who withdrew his support of Donald Trump says that U.S. elections “are not reality TV.” Although at this point, just by looking at the candidates it is hard to accept the fact that it is just reality.

A report says that lead has been found in the drinking water in the schools in Newark, New Jersey. Although at this point nothing will be done about it as at least it now provides educators with an excuse.

A report says that lead has been found in the drinking water in the schools in Newark, New Jersey. The good news is that the people in Flint, Michigan can now say their water may be bad but at least they don’t have to live in New Jersey.

A report says that Millennials are trending on leaving cities and moving to the suburbs. Mostly so they can enjoy the freedom of buying a home and being able to live in a basement they can call their own.

A study says the weight loss drug Contrave doesn’t deliver on its claims. The good news is that it is made up of two antidepressants which at least makes the people taking it feel better about paying all that money for the prescription and still being fat.

Greenpeace says that people in the areas around Chernobyl and Fukushima are eating food that is high in radiation. The good news is that at least it comes out of the package, can and box already cooked.

A study says that being out of shape at 18 can increase the risk of getting diabetes in the future. The good news is that all the 6 year olds who are already out of shape still have 12 years to make an effort to try to get off the couch.

A pediatric group says doctors should screen children for poverty. To which doctors say they already do. The last thing they want is to have any patients who can’t afford to pay their health insurance premiums.

Researchers at USC say using specific foods can trick the body into thinking it is fasting. Apparently they got the idea from all the trendy L.A. restaurants where you pay $40 for three asparagus spears.

Researchers at USC say using specific foods can trick the body into thinking it is fasting. Which for years has been known by USC cheerleaders as “bulimia.”

Kim Kardashian has joined Snapchat. I just hope she has some pictures lying around she can get started with.

A report says that a “Married At First Sight” couple dropped a bombshell during an interview that they have broken up. Now who could have seen that coming?

A report says that a “Married At First Sight” couple dropped a bombshell during an interview that they have broken up. Which in TV terms is what happens when people pass up “The Dating Game” and go straight to “The Newlywed Game.”

A report says that a “Married At First Sight” couple dropped a bombshell during an interview that they have broken up. Which is about as much of a bombshell as finding out Donald Trump thinks his opponents are idiots.

Kim Kardashian has written an essay on her website to respond to critics. If there was ever a chance for her to actually break the Internet, it was to get people to see for themselves that Kim Kardashian can actually write.

Comedian Katt Williams was arrested for threatening to kill his bodyguard. Either that or he was just giving him a test to see if he could really do his job.

Comedian Katt Williams was arrested for threatening to kill his bodyguard. It could be the first case where a bodyguard will start having to report to work along with their own bodyguard.

A 7th grade boy in Massachusetts whose last name is Goodell performed a science experiment he claims disproves Deflategate. In a related story, a Barry Bonds fan in San Francisco is completing an experiment that growing three hat sizes and hitting 500 foot home runs at age 40 had nothing to do with steroids.

A Massachusetts 7th grader whose last name is Goodell performed a science project he says disproves Deflategate. The boy is hoping for a college scholarship so he can also work on refuting people who deny global warming, evolution and the flat Earth.

A new app “Peeple” which is being called the Yelp for humans has launched. It lets people rate others on their professional, personal and dating life. Which is ironic in that someone looking at phone apps all day more than likely doesn’t have a professional, personal or dating life.

U.S. banks will start to allow depositors to send money to others’ accounts instantaneously. Which is good news as it will finally eliminate the middle man for people who need to get money right away to a Nigerian prince.

U.S. banks will start to allow depositors to send money to others’ accounts instantaneously. Which will be convenient for people who can give money right away to the people they just ran over because they were using their phone to text while driving.

A report says that most of the products that Donald Trump bragged about as being successful don’t even exist anymore. In fact, the only products in shorter supply are Jeb Bush for President bumper stickers.

A Bernie Sanders impersonator turned up onstage at a John Kasich rally. Either that or some white guy over 70 accidentally walked in the wrong door.

A Bernie Sanders impersonator turned up onstage at a John Kasich rally. As opposed to a Donald Trump rally where the entire audience pretty much looks like a bunch of Bernie Sanders impersonators.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am still cranking out the jokes although there will be a few less than usual the next couple of days. Just a bit busy getting ready to take my test for black belt in Karate on Saturday. It will be extra special as I will be testing along with my daughter. I figured if she was going to be a black belt I needed to get involved as insurance against future elder abuse. So make sure to wish us luck and pray for no broken bones when you remember to take the time to send the love!

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