Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question from the bench for the first time in ten years. Unfortunately his first question was “Has anyone seen Justice Scalia?”

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett dismissed climate change as a risk to the insurance industry. Mostly because insurance companies will just determine any natural disasters it causes as acts of God and refuse to pay any claims.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett dismissed climate change as a risk to the insurance industry. Mostly because he is from Nebraska and figures if his state can get through a different weather disaster every other week, why can’t everyone else?

A communications security executive says there is enough information on a person’s cellphone to construct a virtual clone of that individual. Which would help accomplish the things that can’t get done because the person is on their cellphone 18 hours a day.

Tom Brady has signed a contract extension with the New England Patriots that would have him playing to age 42. The sad part is at that age the footballs will be deflated because he will be using the team’s compressor to power his supplemental oxygen.

Scientists in California say they have developed a technique that would allow them to download information directly into a person’s brain. The only problem is that it still takes them four hours to process a single message because their Internet provider is AOL.

Scientists in California say they have developed a technique that would allow them to download information directly into a person’s brain. Didn’t we used to already have that technology years ago? It was called “reading.”

Sweden has opened its first unstaffed grocery store where customers do everything themselves using their smartphones. They got the idea of having no employees around to help with grocery shopping after going to a Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Sweden has opened its first unstaffed grocery store where there are no employees and customers do everything themselves using their smartphones. Otherwise known as IKEA for food.

Bugatti’s new $2.6 Million Chiron is reportedly the fastest car in the world with a top speed of 261 mph. The only problem is that the people who have that much money are the ones driving 45 mph with the blinker on yelling at everyone else to “Slow down!”

The Pentagon is seeking $35 Billion to beef up their cybersecurity over the next five years. Or they could instead just have all their generals stop using the pass codes of “password” and “12345.”

The Pentagon is seeking $35 Billion to beef up their cybersecurity over the next five years. Which sounds like a bit much, especially if other countries are as sophisticated as the FBI and can’t even break into an iPhone.

Brazil’s justice minister has quit over pressure from politicians to stop investigating them for corruption. Which might be a sign that maybe he was actually on to something.

Brazil’s justice minister has quit over pressure from politicians to stop investigating them for corruption. To which members of the U.S. Congress are saying “That’s all it takes?”

A report says that J.C. Penney is bouncing back with a stock gain of 15%. Apparently the store has made a real comeback with the popularity of the retro 1970s look coinciding with the fashions still offered on the Penney’s clothes racks.

A budget standoff in Illinois has resulted in no college funding across the state for 8 months. To which the undergraduates are asking school administrators why can’t they be like the students and just borrow the money and go in debt for the next 30 years?

A study says that virtual reality therapy could help reduce depression. Especially when the patients realize they can’t be sued for not paying a therapist who doesn’t actually exist.

A report says that in recent years, the trend has been for films with low box office performances to win the major awards at the Oscars. Which just may be the good news Adam Sandler has finally been waiting to hear.

New York’s top prosecutor says Apple’s encryption is hindering criminal investigations across the country. If that’s the case why don’t they spend their time looking into crimes that can’t be covered up like Apple’s pricing policy?

Senator Chuck Schumer is calling for the FAA to force airlines to increase the size of passenger seats. Mostly because Schumer is old enough to remember when the term “wide body” was just used to describe the planes.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett says the economy is weaker than he expected but growing. Which is good news because it must be tough to not be getting as much out of your money when you only have a fortune of $67 Billion.

The competency hearing of former Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone is going forward. Redstone is 92, worth $5.2 Billion and the case revolves around his 50 year old jealous former girlfriend. That man isn’t competent, he is downright awesome!

AARP says price hikes have doubled the price of drugs over the past seven years. Except the ones produced by a pharmaceutical company run by Martin Shkreli which double in price every seven hours.

AARP says price hikes have doubled the price of drugs over the past seven years. Which is OK with the pharmaceutical industry which figures if they pump enough drugs into people they won’t notice anyway.

Wal-Mart is being sued for adding wood pulp products to their Parmesan cheese. The lawsuit came about after customers got tired of ending every spaghetti dinner with a pair of tweezers to pull out all the splinters.

Wal-Mart is being sued for adding wood pulp products to their Parmesan cheese. Which came about when customers realized it was just as tasty and cheaper to substitute the cheese with the scraps from their paper shredder.

Disneyland’s new “demand pricing” has gone into effect along with criticism from customers. Mostly from people who don’t know the difference between that and the old Disney demand pricing system where higher prices are constantly demanded for tickets, parking and concessions.

Airbus is seeking a patent for airline seats that can be adjusted for overweight passengers. Mostly by removing the armrest and just letting them pour over onto the lap of the skinny person sitting next to them.

A study says that a lack of sleep causes people to have the munchies at night. At least that’s the excuse of the people who don’t get enough sleep because they spent half the night in front of the refrigerator.

A study says that Daylight Saving Time could increase the risk of having a stroke. Especially for men who get hit on the head by their wives when the alarm clock goes off an hour early because they forgot to set the clock back.

The new “female Viagra” pill is being met with mixed reviews. Apparently the women who say it increases their libido are the ones who found it works better when they take it with alcohol.

The new “female Viagra” pill is being met with mixed reviews, with most women saying it resulted in one half of an additional satisfying sexual encounter each month. Or as most people refer to that frequency of good sex, “marriage.”

A study says that looking at a pretty face can improve men’s memory. Like remembering what they were like 30 years ago when they actually had a chance with a pretty woman.

A study says that looking at a pretty face can improve men’s memory. Except for the ability to remember things like they are still currently married and how much they like not having to give away half of what they own.

Data from a plastic surgeons association says that butt implants are the fastest growing cosmetic procedure. Which is hard to believe the way that butts seem to have been growing on their own over the past 20 years.

Data from a plastic surgeons association says 40% of breast reduction surgeries are performed on men. Mostly the ones whose wives are mad when the realize their husbands now have a larger cup size.

Actor Sterling K. Brown says that Chris Darden wanted no part of the show “The People v. O.J. Simpson.” Which makes sense because he didn’t have a whole lot to do with it when he was taking part in the original version.

Abe Vigoda’s daughter is upset that the Oscars ignored her father during the “In Memoriam” segment of the awards. Apparently the Academy thought the reports of his death were a rumor just like all those years when they had no idea he was still alive.

Cheryl Tiegs has apologized for comments she made about plus size model Ashley Graham. Apparently it had something to do with the backlash from women who can actually wear the clothes that fit on Graham.

The ratings for the Oscars fell to an eight year low. Which is the price ABC had to pay for running three and a half hours of programming that didn’t feature coverage of Donald Trump.

The ratings for the Oscars fell to an eight year low. Not to say that Chris Rock may have chased some viewers away with his cutting monologue, but there were actually more people who turned out to watch him in “Pootie Tang.”

NASCAR CEO Brian France and several drivers have endorsed Donald Trump for President. Which is the last time Trump will be supported by any group that just keeps turning left.

NASCAR CEO Brian France and several drivers have endorsed Donald Trump for President. Apparently they identify with someone who at least always looks like he is wearing a helmet to work.

Warren Buffett says any of his employees who correctly pick the first two rounds of March Madness will win $1 Million for life. The only catch is that Buffett is 85 years old and the million dollar a year prize is during his life.

A New York prosecutor wants Apple to turn back its security clock on iPhones to 2013. As opposed to most people who will start buying Apple products again when they turn their prices back to 1996.

McDonald’s in Sweden has introduced Happy Goggles which are Virtual Reality headsets that are folded into Happy Meal boxes and can be used with smartphones. The best part is that they can be used to make people’s selfies look as thin as they were before they started eating at McDonald’s.

A study says that male gorillas sing and hum while they eat. The strange part is that what they are humming is actually that annoying jingle from Kit Kat bars.

A study says the first animal on the Earth was the sea sponge. As soon as the announcement was made, a deal was struck to start airing episodes of “SpongeBob SquarePants” on The History Channel.

Wesley A. Clark, the man credited for designing the first PC has died at age 88. He came up with the idea as part of his vision for the future where such a machine could bring people around the entire world together to look at pictures of naked women.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you watch the Oscars? I did, too. And sadly enough, Hollywood is still racist. Oh, well. Maybe next year. For one thing, there are some roles that just can’t be carried out by black actors. Take “The Revenant.” People would have trouble accepting a black man cast as the lead. Film audiences would just find it hard to believe there was actually a person of color in South Dakota. I rest my case. And, I am also out of jokes for today. Hope you like the ones that are there. If not, let’s get back again tomorrow and try it again. It has to work one of these days. You know what they say about 100 monkeys at 100 typewriters for 100 years. To which everyone under 40 is saying “Typewriter...?” So log in as usual tomorrow for the next batch of jokes. In the meantime, try to find a few minutes in your day to be able to remember to make sure and send the love!

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