Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nielsen says that 111.9 Million people watched Super Bowl 50, the third most ever. That doesn’t even include the seven viewers who stuck around to watch Coldplay during the halftime show.

Nielsen says that 111.9 Million people watched Super Bowl 50, the third most ever. And out of all those people, Cam Newton was the only one who didn’t see that fumbled football right at his feet.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai received a record $199 Million stock bonus. News of the award was found by googling “ridiculous waste of corporate money.”


Google CEO Sundar Pichai received a record $199 Million stock bonus. Although that is nowhere near the money he was used to making when he was a character on "Pokemon."
 
A report says bank investors have suffered through two flat decades. As opposed to most investors who will need to work and save for another ten years just to try to get back to where they were before 2007.

A report says bank investors have suffered through two flat decades. Which is still a larger return than anyone who has actually had their investment money put away in a savings account.

A study says that a cat parasite can cause “psychotic distress” in people. The first symptom is having someone post videos of them online chasing a ball of yarn, getting their head stuck in a paper bag and walking across a piano.

An Alabama man wearing a clown costume was arrested for DUI. Although police let him go after he took the balloon he blew into for his breath test and made it into a horsey.

An Alabama man wearing a clown costume was arrested for DUI. There was no report on what happened with the other 19 people riding in his miniature sized car.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship that was rocked by hurricane force winds was forced to turn around and go back to its home port in New Jersey. The good news is the passengers decided not to mutiny even though heading back to New Jersey violated twelve different sections of Maritime Law.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship that was rocked by hurricane force winds was forced to turn around and go back to its home port in New Jersey. The bad part is that passengers actually lowered the lifeboats and figured they would be better off taking their chances with the storm.

Political pundits say Bernie Sanders appears to be out of his comfort zone when asked questions about foreign policy. Mostly because the only foreign policy issue he has ever been faced with in Vermont is about how much maple syrup to allow in from Canada.

The San Francisco Federal Reserve says that seven years of economic recovery doesn’t mean another recession is likely. To which most people are saying it’s news to them that we actually got out of the last recession.

The price of gasoline is nearing $1 a gallon in some parts of the country. The good news is that it leaves customers at the pump with enough cash to put a couple of dollars in the hat being held out for donations by the former oil company executives.

President Obama says that Wi-Fi connectivity at the White House is spotty. Which is really annoying when he has to get his Secret Service agents to drive him over to Starbucks just so he can post photoshopped pictures of Mitch McConnell on Facebook.

A report says that the Facebook app drains as much as 15% of an iPhone battery every day. The other 85% is used up by people going on Facebook to post pictures of every meal they have eaten that day.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Which makes for the unusual defense strategy in suspects pleading not guilty to bank robbery because they needed the money to pay for their defense team.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Which makes a tough decision for judges who have to take into consideration that the defense lawyers are guilty of pilfering more money than their clients.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Who do they think they are, some sort of Starbucks barista?

In the wake of recent outbreaks at Chipotle restaurants, workers are being urged to stay home if they are sick. And customers are being urged to stay away if they are well.

Honda is recalling 45,000 Civics because the engines can stall while being driven. Or as Chrysler calls that, a standard feature.

A paper calls for the U.S. doing away with the $100 bill claiming it facilitates crime, terrorism and corruption. Although Wall Street executives are besides themselves at the prospect, wondering what they will use instead to light their Cuban cigars.

A paper calls for the U.S. doing away with the $100 bill claiming it facilitates crime, terrorism and corruption. Many Americans were shocked at the report. There is such a thing as a $100 bill?

A new government enforcement office has been formed to protect students from accumulating hefty tuition debt without getting a degree that will get them a good job. Otherwise known as registering in the Alabama state college system.

Twitter stock has fallen to an all time low. Which is no big deal for Twitter users since they don’t have any money to actually invest since they spend their entire day staring at their cellphone screen to send out all their tweets.

IKEA is removing window blinds that have cords that are hazardous to children. The only bigger household threat to children is being hit by a tool thrown by their dad in anger after spending five hours trying to assemble an IKEA corner grouping.

Chipotle restaurants closed for a few hours Monday during lunch for a food safety staff meeting. They had to close so the employees could go get lunch somewhere else to make sure they weren’t sick for the meeting.

A state panel is set to investigate why gasoline prices usually run higher in California. Once they are done, they can move on to why prices in the state are higher for real estate, food, utilities, water, medical care, insurance...

A state panel is set to investigate why gasoline prices usually run higher in California. Although it’s not that the price is any higher, it’s just that people spend more after burning up a tank of gas every day sitting in traffic for four hours during their commute.

A poll says that worry and stress are up in Chinese adults. Mostly from the fear that their job is going to be taken over by either the robot they are assembling or some ten year old who just reached the mandatory retirement age at Nike.

Scientists say they may have discovered a potential treatment for jet lag. It has something to do with flying United and being fully rested after taking enough Ambien to be knocked out for the entire three days it takes to arrive at the final destination.

Scientists say portraits of an older Michelangelo show he may have had arthritis. Mostly by the presence of all the bottles of Bayer, Bufferin and Tylenol that can be seen sitting on the table in the background.

Scientists have been studying the way pancakes cook as a way to study how glaucoma works. The way they came up with the idea was by working with glaucoma patients who get relief through smoking marijuana and keep asking to make another trip to IHOP.

A study says that concussions may lead to an increase in the risk of suicide. Mostly for the scientists who continually bang their heads against the wall and suffer depression from having to spend their entire lives putting together studies about concussions.

A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. The other 39% were surprised, saying “There are people who can afford to take vacations?”

A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. Which will no doubt lead to airline passengers being weighed before flying so they can hit them with an additional weight fee for the return trip.

Monica Lewinsky is planning to help fight cyberbullying with a new app. Apparently the app has saved her from cyberbullying by blocking all the threatening phone calls, texts and e-mails she still gets from Hillary Clinton.

David Bowie and Beyonce both reportedly told Coldplay they hated their music. Which can mean only one thing. Pretty soon we will be hearing about a collaboration on a concert tour collaboration featuring Coldplay and Justin Bieber.

A report says this year’s Oscars gift bag will contain a record $200,000 worth of swag. $190,000 of which will be for the bag itself after the Academy stamps it with a Louis Vuitton logo.

Tiger Woods’ caddy Joe LaCava says he has turned down offers to carry for other golfers while he waits for Tiger to return to the PGA Tour. To which Elin Nordegren is telling him if she had done that she would still be standing in her front yard at Isleworth with a 9 iron in her hand waiting for that SUV to come back down the driveway.

Peyton Manning says that Cam Newton was “extremely humble” in defeat after the Super Bowl. Although some people think he was misquoted and actually said he was “afraid of fumbles.”

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says she told a parking valet that she was “afraid for her life.” Although that actually had to do with the look he gave her after she only tipped him 50 cents to get Manziel’s car.

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says she told a parking valet that she was “afraid for her life.” Although it had nothing to do with Manziel, it was because the car she was driving was a rental Kia.

Marshawn Lynch’s agent says the Seattle Seahawks running back is retiring at age 29. How bad is it that he has to have his agent even announce his retirement because he’s afraid of saying it himself and being fined again.

Federal safety investigators say that Fiat Chrysler gear shifters are confusing to drivers. Mostly when they put the car into drive and it actually starts moving forward.

Hyundai’s “First Date” commercial was picked as the top ad being played during the Super Bowl. Mostly for trying to sell the concept that someone driving a Hyundai could actually get someone to go out with them.

A report says that Super Bowl 50 generated a record amount of data during the game. Mostly people who were texting, tweeting or playing video games so they had something else to do instead of actually watching the Coldplay halftime performance.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. The only problem is that since it was built in 2006 it won’t be constitutionally eligible to run until the 2044 election.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. Although opponents are already asking for proof of where it was made because of rumors that it may not be a natural born citizen since many of its components were made in China.

Bill Clinton is stumping for Hillary, saying sometimes he “wishes they weren’t married” so he could say what he really thinks. Of course, what he really thinks is that he wishes he wasn’t married to Hillary.

Bill Clinton is stumping for Hillary, saying sometimes he “wishes they weren’t married” so he could say what he really thinks. People were surprised at the admission. The Clintons are still married?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would like to thank you for again checking out my blog. If nothing else, it is certainly a lot more entertaining than the time you wasted watching Coldplay at the Super Bowl. Or the Super Bowl. The good news is that I always enjoy the Super Bowl because it means the end of football season, which means warmer weather is eventually going to come back and that we aren’t that far from Spring Training. Then the world is good again. Of course, the world is always good when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

No comments: