Sunday, February 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Neuroscientists are on a quest to preserve a human brain for 100 years for future revival. The only problem will be when it is reanimated having to listen to it talk about what things were like in the old days.

Neuroscientists are on a quest to preserve a human brain for 100 years for future revival. Which is already done pretty much every day by Larry King’s alarm clock.

A report says talking high tech sex dolls can be given any personality to be the perfect lover. Which for most men means the doll will arrive bringing pizza, will be able to recite all the Super Bowl winning teams and changes the oil in their car before going home.

Tech stocks have already lost $529 Billion of investment money in 2016. The only people who have lost more money on tech are the people who wasted their cash buying a smartwatch, Fitbit and Google Glass.

The unemployment rate dropped to 4.9% in January, which the Federal Reserve is calling full employment. Which for most Americans means there is enough work available to have three part time minimum wage jobs in order to make ends meet.

Supporters of Bernie Sanders have been kicked off Tinder for campaigning on the dating app. Although it has given middle aged men new hope in thinking they may have a chance with the women who are drawn to a short, balding 74 year old.

An investigation has been launched into a nude photo scandal at a Pennsylvania middle school. Apparently the school is in Amish country where the kids finally were allowed to use smartphones and find out what everyone else has been doing for years.

An investigation has been launched into a nude photo scandal at a Pennsylvania middle school. Remember when “picture day” at school meant you actually had to decide on an outfit to wear for the photo?

A report says Millennials are starting to dye their hair gray to look more mature. The only question is why would anyone want to think they are 20 years older than their actual age and still working at a Papa John’s?

A report says Millennials are starting to dye their hair gray to look more mature. As opposed to their parents whose hair turned gray because they have Millennial kids who won’t move out of the basement.

Argentina is holding its annual Aliens Festival for South Americans who believe in extraterrestrials. Which is different from the aliens festival that is held in Central America where everyone just tries to crash their way across the U.S. border at the same time.

North Korea has moved up the date of their proposed rocket launch from a window of February 8-25 to February 7-14. The question is who is running the launch, the local cable company?

A former vice president of Harman International has been charged with insider trading. Other executives were shocked at the news. If he needed more money, why didn’t he just do it like other front office workers and just reward themselves with a raise, stock options and bigger bonuses?

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been transferred to an adult jail where he is being kept away from other inmates. Which was a disappointment in that he has always thought solitary confinement at an adult institution meant his own room at a Marriott.

Orange County, California saw a record 47.3 Million visitors last year. Not only that, but as many as 5.2 Million of those visitors were actually in the country legally.

Orange County, California saw a record 47.3 Million visitors last year. And those were just the people in line to ride the Matterhorn.

A study says that Tom Brady was actually the NFL’s most “valuable” quarterback, generating $92.9 Million in total revenue for the Patriots. And that isn’t even factoring inflation.

A study says that Tom Brady was actually the NFL’s most “valuable” quarterback, generating $92.9 Million in total revenue for the Patriots. And that was just from putting Giselle Bundchen on the cover of the team’s souvenir programs.

A report says that Sweden’s use of apps and credit cards has left only 2% of the economy run by cash. Which is slightly different than the U.S. which is also run by 2% cash, mostly because 98% of Americans haven’t actually had any cash since 2007.

Former Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has endorsed Marco Rubio for President. Rubio thanked him for his support, and more importantly for the five extra votes his campaign will pick up because of it.

Mars, Inc. says it will phase out artificial colors form all its candy. That way people eating M&Ms, Milky Way and Snickers will be much healthier by consuming just the other ingredients of chocolate, sugar and fat.

Google’s Go playing program will challenge the game’s world champion to a match. While computers have made tremendous progress in playing games, Watson is still getting his backside handed to him by five year olds when it comes to playing Jacks.

The percentage of Americans looking for work went up three times in the past four months. There was also an increase in the number of people looking for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, under their pillow from the Tooth Fairy and any discarded winning lottery tickets in the trash dumpster at the 7-Eleven.

The percentage of Americans looking for work went up three times in the past four months. The other month was December when everyone was hoping they would make it through with the winning lottery ticket they asked from Santa Claus.

President Obama is taking credit for the economic improvement including a drop in unemployment. Although the economy will never really get any better until something is done about the 100% employment rate for all the seats in Congress.

105 former NHL players are bringing a class action suit against the league over damage from concussions. The league is relieved knowing they can handle that cost a lot better than if they had instead filed a suit demanding payment for long term dental care.

A study says that sleeping too much or not enough may lead to excessive weight gain for pregnant women. Well, that sure narrows it down.

A study says that emotional distress and substance abuse is tied to weapons use in teens. And the best way to prevent all three is to not raise your child in Florida.

The CDC says three million women are at risk of exposing their babies to alcohol because they are drinking, having sex and not using birth control. Or as that is known in Mississippi, a pretty good Saturday night.

The NTSB is recommending states drop the legal Blood Alcohol Level to .05% or lower. Which could be a problem in Hollywood as most celebrities can’t blow that low even when they are going through the checkout at rehab.

A study says that when dieters are exposed to negative messages about food they crave it more. Which is no surprise since that is probably the reason they are having to be on a diet in the first place.

A study says that the Body Mass Index mislabels 54 Million Americans as overweight or obese. Apparently those people should instead be just considered fat, outsized or overfed.

Carnival Cruise lines is one of several travel companies allowing employees to change their schedules to avoid working in areas affected by the outbreak of the Zika virus. Mostly because working on a Carnival ship only exposes workers to norovirus, salmonella and gonorrhea.

Johnny Manziel’s father says he is worried his son will die if he doesn’t get any help for his behavior. The only quarterback whose life is in more immediate danger than Manziel  is whomever takes the snaps behind the Detroit Lions offensive line.

“Teen Mom OG” cast member Amber Portwood says after finding out about her fiancee’s seven secret children that “people make mistakes.” Which is pretty much how the entire cast of “Teen Mom OG” got their careers going in the first place.

“Teen Mom OG” cast member Amber Portwood says after finding out about her fiancee’s seven secret children that “people make mistakes.” Now all she has to do is hope he is just as forgiving about her getting pregnant at 16, serving jail time for drug abuse, and being arrested for domestic violence.

Solange Knowles lost her wedding ring during a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. The amazing part was that it didn’t happen while she was punching out Jay-Z.

A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. The favorite team is whomever Johnny Manziel is quarterbacking against.

A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. Which is ironic in that the results were the one thing that was actually inflated because of Tom Brady.

Roger Goodell says that a London franchise for the NFL is a “realistic possibility.” Although no one is holding their breath since that is the same chances the league is quoting for the Detroit Lions to be in next year’s Super Bowl.

Johnny Manziel’s agent dropped him after the latest allegations of domestic abuse. Apparently his agent is worried about having to serve 15% of a 5-10 year prison sentence.

Johnny Manziel’s agent dropped him after the latest allegations of domestic abuse. Although before he quit he did have the presence of mind to file for a copyright on the terms “Johnny Inmate,” “Johnny Convict” and “Johnny Jailbird.”

A golf club swinging robot made a hole-in-one at the Phoenix Open. Although on the downside it had to buy a round of 3-In-One oil for all the other robots in the clubhouse bar.

A golf club swinging robot made a hole-in-one at the Phoenix Open. What did anyone expect from a machine that can only communicate using 1s and 0s?

Apollo Astronaut Edgar Mitchell has died at age 85. He was the 6th man to set foot on the Moon. He is the 5th Moonwalker who has passed away. 6 if you count Michael Jackson.

Twitter has shut down 125,000 accounts they say are related to terrorism. Mostly the ones Donald Trump is using to tweet about Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.

A study says that the bad behavior of Henry VIII may have been caused by brain injury. Apparently historians forgot about the six years he put in as a defensive back in the NFL.

A Quicken Loans ad claims that it can arrange a mortgage loan in just eight minutes. Which is nothing compared to the three and a half minutes it will take just three months later to process the foreclosure.

The GOP candidates used a video to share their pre-debate rituals. Which for Donald Trump is mostly going through the list of insulting names he will use for each of his opponents.

The GOP candidates used a video to share their pre-debate rituals. Which for Jeb Bush is mostly making sure the people in charge of the debate know that he is still running.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This month marks the 40th anniversary of one of the great albums in rock history, the debut LP of The Ramones. To which anyone who is under 40 and reading this is asking “What is an album and LP?” The Ramones were one of the great American bands who basically set off the Punk Rock revolution and have influenced many musicians who have come along since then. They were known for their high energy songs that were short in length but long on playability. It’s sad to think that three of the founding members are now gone, but their music will always live on. So will their performance in the classic cult film “Rock and Roll High School.” If you have never seen it, I would highly suggest you find it somewhere on line and give it a look. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, if for nothing else than the line “This is the big time, girlie. This is Rock and Roll.” What better way than that to describe The Ramones? Give a thought today to Johnny, Joey, Marky and Dee Dee when you take the time to remember to send the love!

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