Friday, February 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NATO says that Russia practiced nuclear strikes against Sweden in 2013. Apparently that’s what happens when Vladimir Putin ends up spending an entire weekend trying to put together a living room sectional from IKEA.

McDonald’s kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. Mostly from all the fat and sugar they have to put on the kale to get anyone at McDonald’s to try it.

McDonald’s kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. Until now, most McDonald’s customers thought a dinner salad was the lettuce and pickles that came with a Big Mac.

A report says that U.S. layoffs have surged to a six month high. Most the planned layoffs come from Wal-Mart closings, which won’t be that much of a nuisance for the workers who will lose their jobs since most of them are already on public assistance.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will require teams to interview women for all executive positions. Although some people think he isn’t really trying to encourage women applicants, especially since Ray Rice was hired as the NFL Headquarters elevator operator.

A study says the average American will spend 43 days of their life on hold. Which explains why the suicide rate continues to climb by making people listen to six weeks’ worth of Air Supply, the Bee Gees and ABBA.

A mysterious cat urine odor is perplexing people in a New York village. Apparently the smell is only detectable when the wind is blowing out of New Jersey.

A pollster has warned the University of Iowa that its public standing was suffering from its image as a party school. Because what high school student who wants to have a good time in their college experience doesn’t put Iowa at the top of their list?

A pollster has warned the University of Iowa that its public standing was suffering from its image as a party school. Although the only parties that have recently damaged the reputation of Iowa are the two that recently held caucuses there.

An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. The bad news for the man is that the case is being turned over to the jurisdiction of Judge Judy.

An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. A codefendant has been named as the company that made the apron his wife bought that says “I Hate Housework.”

Ohio lawmakers are considering a bill that would regulate the cost of prescription drugs. Apparently it would limit pharmaceutical companies from raising the prices of life saving drugs overnight to only 4,000%.

Hasbro and Mattel are reportedly considering a merger. The only problem is the proposed new name for the company would be Haz-Mat.

Hasbro and Mattel are reportedly considering a merger. The word of the deal got out when Barbie was seen on an intimate dinner date with Chewbacca.

Honda is recalling 2.2 Million vehicles because of new reports of faulty Takata airbags. Or as 2.2 Million recalls is known to GM, a pretty good Tuesday.

President Obama says he wants a $10 a barrel tax on oil to fund clean transportation. Meaning any sort of vehicles that don’t run on oil.

President Obama says he wants a $10 a barrel tax on oil to fund clean transportation. Which could bump the price of oil all the way to $10.50 a barrel.

An economist says that the new CDC guidance on drinking and pregnancy is “crazy.”
And who knows crazy more than someone in the field that brought us Reaganomics, the mortgage crisis and an $18 Trillion deficit?

Facebook has turned 12 years old. Which makes it just old enough to get into some real trouble by opening its own page on Myspace.

Playboy has launched its first non-nude issue. Which in the age of Internet porn is expected to sell about as many copies as its most recent fully nude issues.

Playboy has launched its first non-nude issue. Which could soon be followed by a non-news issue of Time, a fashion-less Cosmopolitan and a special issue of Sports Illustrated dedicated to billiards, equestrian and bowling.

A report says a historic, rusting ocean liner could be restored to its luxury past. Of course, people who like the idea of sailing on a historic, rusting ship still have the option to booking a cruise with Carnival.

The Department of Homeland Security is combing the Bay Area looking for unlicensed merchandise being sold before the Super Bowl. Because if they can’t seem to ever catch any terrorists, at least we should feel safe knowing that the NFL will be able to collect full royalties on all the jerseys that will be seen in the stands during the game.

The Department of Homeland Security is combing the Bay Area looking for unlicensed merchandise being sold before the Super Bowl. Which is bad news for the fans who don’t have more than $20 to pay for a jersey for the Brancos or the Ponthers.

A lottery winner in Iowa is suing the lottery company claiming his jackpot should have been higher because of other drawings that were fixed. Which shows that even lottery winners know the way to really strike it rich in America. Win a lawsuit against a major corporation.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Just think how bad it would be if any of their cases actually ended up in front of Judge Judy.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Which finally explains a lot of the decisions handed down by the Supreme Court.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Which is then passed along to all their clients when it comes time to send out their monthly billing.

A study says that eating small bits of chocolate during pregnancy may be good for both mom and baby. And it will also be healthy for dads who are smart enough to know to stay away from mom’s stash.

A study says that daily text messages from the doctor’s office increase the chances that patients will take their prescription drugs. Just like a daily text message from Kate Upton are the best way to insure that patients will remember to take their Viagra.

A study says that whether people are early birds or night owls is determined by their genes. And whether or not they think it’s worth the risk of being locked out trying to sneak into the house at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that ADHD may be tied to obesity in girls. Especially the ones who lose focus and forget the reason there is only one doughnut left in the box is because they have already eaten the other eleven.

A study says that men are less likely to yawn contagiously than women. Unless they sit down and actually try to read the entire study.

A study says that men are less likely to yawn contagiously than women. Mostly because the reason the women are yawning is from having to listen to a man talk endlessly all night about himself.

Earth, Wind & Fire founding member Maurice White has died at age 74. Although after he died it was just narrowed down to Earth & Fire with his options of being buried or cremated.

CBS has turned down an ad for strip club Scores during the Super Bowl. Apparently the ad was too racy, didn’t meet the standards of the NFL and if men want to watch naked women parading around they can always just watch the game’s beer commercials.

CBS has turned down an ad for strip club Scores during the Super Bowl, because they don’t meet the standards of the NFL. Which is against the idea of scantily clad women unless they are being assaulted in an elevator by a player.

Former quarterback Joe Montana says his injuries have made it so he can’t really run anymore. Which means that even at age 59 he is still in mid-season form.

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says he hit her while they were in a car. Unfortunately he has gone from being a Cleveland Brown to more of a Chris Brown.

A report says that 14 professional sports teams are now owned by techies. Which apparently is tied in with a deep seated desire for revenge for the time they spent in school doing jocks’ homework to keep from walking around with a permanent wedgie.

An ancient Greek headstone has an image that some people says resembles a laptop computer. Which shows that even the ancient Greeks knew that sitting in front of a computer all day would eventually send people to an early grave.

A report says IT spending around the world will top $2.8 Trillion by 2019. Most of that will come in the form of keeping the company break room stocked with a full supply of Cheetos. Pop-Tarts and Mountain Dew.

A report says technology may mean the end of side mirrors on cars. Mostly because who needs to use mirrors anymore when you can just use your smartphone to take all kinds of selfies to see how good you look?

Facebook says that every person in the world is now separated by only three and a half degrees. Mostly because Facebook has allowed us to call up to 5,000 complete strangers our “friends.”

Facebook says that every person in the world is now separated by only three and a half degrees. Which means that we are still two and a half degrees closer to some Pakistani working in a rice paddy than we are to Kevin Bacon.

A report says that Facebook has cost businesses $3.5 Trillion in lost productivity. Which means everyone would come out way ahead if companies just gave Mark Zuckerberg $50 Billion so he can be the richest person in the world and just shut down the site.

A survey says that 92% of students prefer paper books over e-books. The other 8% were asking “What’s a ‘book’?”

A survey says that 92% of students prefer paper books over e-books. Apparently the glare and lower resolution just don’t make for the same quality pictures to look at on a Kindle.

A student at Emerson College in Boston is in hot water for renting out his dorm room on Airbnb. Apparently it was discovered when complaints came in about the loud dubstep music next door, some guy constantly playing guitar in the lounge and the huge pile of empty Red Bull cans in the corner.

The FAA has banned drones within 32 miles of the Super Bowl this Sunday. Now all they need to do is ban fans from holding up signs, body paints and the Wave.

George W. Bush is appearing in an ad backing his brother Jeb. Apparently the message is that Jeb has got to do a better job than his brother.

Republican candidates are vying for Rand Paul’s supporters now that he has dropped out of the presidential race. It could end up being a tough fight to corral all seven of those votes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl is this weekend. Just thought I would let you know in case you hadn’t heard anything about it yet. Although the Broncos and Panthers isn’t exactly the match that network and league officials were hoping would be on the marquee at the end of the season. I’m sure I will watch the game if for no other reason to see if the referee can do a better job with the coin toss than they did during the Packers and Cardinals game. I hope you enjoy the game and eat a lot of pizza and drink a lot of beer if for no other reason than to feel too bloated and drunk to have to pay attention during Coldplay’s set in the halftime show. In the meantime, I hope you are able to set aside a few minutes over the weekend to remember to make sure to send the love!

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