Thursday, February 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Japan has put its military on alert to shoot down any North Korean missile launches that threaten its territory. So far they have deployed several soldiers armed with tennis rackets, potato guns and sling shots.

The White House is rallying people in earthquake prone areas to prepare for a major event. Especially if during a campaign stop out west Chris Christie falls off the platform.

Google will expand its self-driving car testing to Washington State. Apparently they want to put them through the toughest driving conditions in the nation, where the cars are expected to stop every other block at each coffee shop they pass.

Microsoft says that future NFL games could be played out with holograms on coffee tables. The only problem will be when a receiver has to alter their route to avoid an ashtray, unfinished muffin and crumpled beer can.

A study says that brain scans could catch depression in people before it starts. Especially when the scan is done immediately after the patient is handed their bill for the cost of the testing.

Germany is considering putting a $5,450 limit on cash transactions. The U.S. may consider such measures just as soon as Americans are able to get their hands on another $5,400.

A 99 Million year old spider fossil was found still with an erection. And most men think it’s an emergency that required calling the doctor when their Levitra works for more than four hours.

A 99 Million year old spider fossil was found still with an erection. There hasn’t been a fossil that old found with an erection since Bob Dole signed on to endorse Viagra.

New warehouse robots reportedly boost productivity by 800% over humans. Which means they can actually work more than ten minutes without taking a break and handle more than 20 tasks in a single day.

New warehouse robots reportedly boost productivity by 800% over humans. And that’s just in the money saved by the company in providing free doughnuts to their workers.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The worst part is they are doing it to keep out undocumented immigrants from Mexico.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The only question is whether they are trying to keep people inside the city or out.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The sad part is that if U.S. troops had done that in 2003 there might not even have been a war.

Rand Paul has ended his campaign for President. Apparently he was at least hoping his run would last long enough to get him out of New Hampshire and campaign for at least a couple of weeks when the primaries move to Florida.

Donald Trump says that Ted Cruz stole the Iowa Caucuses. Which is interesting how when candidates lie themselves it is called their vision of the future, but when the other candidates lie it is called fraud.

Donald Trump says that Ted Cruz stole the Iowa Caucuses. Apparently Trump feels that primaries should be won the old fashioned way, based on who spends the most money.

Doctors say the late Raiders quarterback Ken Stabler had CTE. The only way he could have suffered more concussions was if he were to attend any Raiders games wearing a Broncos jersey.

Thousands of people were out protesting the educational system in Hungary that is now putting more emphasis on testing students. At least we now know who bought up all those discarded manuals about how to implement No Child Left Behind ended up.

Next Tuesday is Safer Internet Day. That is the day where men try a little harder to keep their wives from discovering what they are looking at and who they are chatting with online.

Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new vegan ice cream line. Which completely takes away the whole point of there even being a Ben & Jerry’s.

Jeb Bush gave a campaign speech in New Hampshire where he had to ask the audience to applaud when he was done. Apparently the audience was ready to applaud but they were waiting for the part where he says he is dropping out of the race.

A California man is suing McDonald’s for using mock mozzarella in their cheese sticks. If he thinks that is worthy of legal action, just wait until he orders a McRib Sandwich.

A California man is suing McDonald’s for using mock mozzarella in their cheese sticks. The worst part was when he was sickened by mock salmonella.

A study says that Super Bowl 50 will be the most expensive sporting event in history, with ticket prices averaging $5,000. Although it is still cheaper than tickets for a regular season game at Yankee Stadium if you also factor in the cost of a hot dog and beer.

A study says that Super Bowl 50 will be the most expensive sporting event in history, with ticket prices averaging $5,000. That’s just a fraction of the total cost considering the price of air fare, hotels and medical bills for the STDs caught the week before the game.

Lawmakers are proposing a bill that would privatize Air Traffic Control. Because what could possibly go wrong with having the job of directing a pilot to land a planeload of passengers in bad weather done by someone making $7.25 an hour with no benefits who has to take a break every three hours to check in with their parole officer?

Lawmakers are proposing a bill that would privatize Air Traffic Control. Which would save taxpayers money in having tower workers bring their own air mattresses in to work for the three hours of nap time they take every shift.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has declared an emergency in counties where nine cases of Zika have been confirmed. Which is an unusual call in a state where there were at least that many people injured by gunfire just during lunch.

Freshmen students at Oral Roberts University in Oklahoma are being required to wear Fitbit monitors which could affect their grades. Students are expected to walk at least 10,000 steps each day. Which will change the ‘60s mantra of “Turn on, tune in, drop out” to “Sit down, chow down flunk out.”

A study says that Americans are ten times more likely to be killed by a gun than people in other countries. Although those are mostly the people who drive around Texas in a car with a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker.

A study says that Americans are ten times more likely to be killed by a gun than people in other countries. Although the odds drop dramatically by taking the proper steps of not having a job, not going to school and never watching movies in a theater.

A study says a healthy brain is linked to an active sex life in old age. Why is sex in old age so healthy while sex for younger people always comes with warnings about consequences, guilt and disease?

Kansas has yet to identify the cause of an illness linked to Buffalo Wild Wings. Although it could have something to do with the customers who sit around all day watching football while eating Buffalo wings and drinking beer.

Kansas has yet to identify the cause of an illness linked to Buffalo Wild Wings. Although it may have something to do with dinner patrons who ate there following lunch at Chipotle.

A study says that older adults who give up driving may show a decline in health. Which is ironic compared with the improvement in the health of others who are not as likely to be hit by a car driven by a senior.

A study says that older adults who give up driving may show a decline in health. But only the ones who don’t use their car to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru every day.

A study says that sitting for long stretches may boost the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Especially if the sitting is done in a booth at the nearby Krispy Kreme store.

Def Leppard is postponing their latest tour because of an unspecified illness. Either that or it has something to do with group members’ need to enroll in a remedial spelling program.

Burger King has debuted their new Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger. It’s extra long so the customer can enjoy the meal during the entire trip in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Amy Duggar says she really never felt up to Duggar family standards. Mostly because she is a cousin to Josh Duggar and he only felt up his sisters.

Alabama finished ranked number one with football recruiting for the Class of 2016. Fortunately for the players, they are admitted based on passing percentage over test scores and yards per carry over GPA.

Alabama finished ranked number one with football recruiting for the Class of 2016. Which will be a thrill in another three years when the players can show off their National Championship rings to all their fellow drivers at Domino’s Pizza.

A Taylor Swift video game is in the making. The goal is to date her for three weeks and then dump her and then get to hear the song she writes about the break up.

Dissatisfied Uber drivers are threatening to protest the Super Bowl over lower fares. The only problem is that anyone who can afford to buy Super Bowl tickets, fly to San Francisco and pay the inflated hotel prices won’t be the ones calling to have a college student drive them around town in their Prius.

Rumors about the iPhone 7 are already floating around seven months before the debut. Which means in another two months we will start hearing the rumors about the features in the iPhones 8,9 and 10.

A report says that fitness trackers contributed to doubling the spending on wearable technology. The only problem for people is finding an outfit that matches their smartwatch, head-mounted display, body-worn camera, Bluetooth headset, wristband and chest strap.

Influential Google engineer Amit Singhal says he is planning to retire at age 48. Industry experts were shocked by the news. There is an employee in Silicon Valley who has kept a job past 40?

Donald Trump’s plane “Trump Force One” made an unscheduled landing at Nashville because of an engine problem. Which really helped anyone who was looking for a metaphor as to what happened to his campaign in Iowa.

Donald Trump’s plane “Trump Force One” made an unscheduled landing at Nashville because of an engine problem. Apparently the engine was fine for flying, it just needed a boost in power to be used to style Trump’s hair every morning.

Rand Paul and Rick Santorum have pulled out of the GOP presidential race. Paul was disappointed in low interest, fundraising problems and mostly that his campaign couldn’t outlast Rick Santorum.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” Apparently they have been able to show agents that they can also learn to look for guns and explosives at the same time they are confiscating bottles with more than three ounces of liquids.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” In fact, things are improving so much that some day they hope to be as popular as AT&T, Comcast and Bank of America.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” Especially for people who are violated by a TSA agent but still find it a more enjoyable experience than the flight they are in line to board on United Airlines.

John Kasich has reportedly picked up a former adviser from the Rand Paul campaign. The bad part is that his advice was that Kasich should be like Paul and also pack it in.

Florida legislators have given the green light to a bill that would allow anyone with a concealed weapon permit to carry their guns in the open. Which is good news for Florida gun owners who find it wastes too much time when shooting someone to actually have to pull it out of a holster.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of comedy. Legendary comedian Bob Elliott, half of the team of Bob and Ray has died at age 92. His low key humor kept him on radio and TV for more than 40 years with the duo remembered for many of their classic bits. He was the father of comedian Chris Elliott who achieved his own level of success with David Letterman and the show “Get A Life” until he made the movie “Cabin Boy” and was never heard from again. Oh, well. I’m sure his dad eventually forgave him. So think of Bob Elliott and his great comedy contributions while you read the garbage I put out every day and at least think this has to beat “Cabin Boy.” Barely. And when you do that, make sure to take the time to remember to send the love!

No comments: