Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bernie Sanders’ campaign says that the actual results from the Iowa Caucuses may never be known. Which is good in that it will give his staff the experience in case he gets the Democratic nomination and has to go through an election that includes Florida.

A report says that companies are tightening their purse strings in fear of lean times ahead. Things are getting so tight that some executives are actually having to share space on their private jets when they are flying to their private Caribbean islands.

A report says that companies are tightening their purse strings in fear of lean times ahead. It’s getting so tight that CEOs are being forced into lighting their Cuban cigars with only $50 bills.

Swiss bank UBS saw its shares plunge as rich investors withdrew their cash. Economists were surprised. When did rich people start putting their money into banks?

Students at the University of Oregon are debating whether Dr. Martin Luther King’s speeches were inclusive enough. Apparently at the time he didn’t refer to the plight of the poor who got that way after taking out several college tuition loans.

A study says that seafood may play a role in reducing the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Which has nothing to do with men who pretend to have no idea how they caught the crabs.

A study says that seafood may play a role in reducing the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly for men who never forget how much they had to pay for a date who ordered a lobster dinner.

Malcolm McDowell says the dystopian society in the movie “A Clockwork Orange” has become a reality. Although how bad was it in the movie where at least gang members would dress up wearing bowlers and sing show tunes while they beat people up?

Malcolm McDowell says the dystopian society in the movie “A Clockwork Orange” has become a reality. Although at least we have progressed so that instead of sitting at home and watching TV all day at least they have the choice now to look at their computers or play video games.

Lawmakers in Washington, D.C. have proposed a plan to pay people not to commit crimes. Or as the mob used to call that, “Protection.”

Lawmakers in Washington, D.C. have proposed a plan to pay people not to commit crimes. Which sounds like they are offering all the lobbyists an early retirement.

A report says Mexican remittances totaled nearly $25 Billion last year, more than the country’s oil income. How bad has the oil market fallen than to realize the people in the Home Depot parking lot are pulling down more cash than Exxon executives?

North Korea has confirmed it is preparing a long range rocket launch. Which means everyone there living within a three block radius of the launch site is being given a head’s up.

A report says a number of airlines are offering one way flights for under $30. Although they still aren’t considered as much as a bargain as the price of any flight that gets travelers out of New Jersey.

A report says a number of airlines are offering one way flights for under $30. Which when combined with taxes, services and fees brings the cost of those flights up to just more than $700.

Yahoo says it will lay off 15% of its workforce and close offices in Dubai, Mexico, Argentina, Spain and Italy. For one thing it will save a fortune in just not having to teach employees how to say “Yahoo” in all those different languages.

Yahoo says it will lay off 15% of its workforce and close offices in Dubai, Mexico, Argentina, Spain and Italy. Mostly so CEO Marissa Mayer can find a way to keep coming up with enough cash to pay her salary until she is eventually cut loose.

The new “Star Wars” movie dropped below $1 Million a day in box office receipts for the first time on day 46. Which means that sci-fi geeks figure they have finally had enough and don’t really need a 47th viewing.

United Airlines says it will allow parents with young children to board their planes early. Mostly in the hope that having them sit for six hours waiting for takeoff instead of three like everyone else might wear the kids out so they don’t scream through the entire flight.

A new book says that economic growth in the U.S. may be at an end. Which makes the author’s premise only about fifty years late since the last time we actually had any economic growth here was back in 1968.

Documents show that profit seeking was behind pharmaceutical company Turing’s drug price hike of 5,000%. What could be next? Finding out that oil companies were actually gouging us or that utilities actually charge more than the need to?

Documents show that profit seeking was behind pharmaceutical company Turing’s drug price hike of 5,000%. Apparently 4,000% was OK but they really crossed the line and just got greedy when it came to that final 1,000% increase.

NBA MVP Stephen Curry says his team goes out to play to win. To which the Philadelphia 76ers were asking “What’s a win?”

Puerto Rico has offered some proposals to tackle the country’s debt. The first idea is to tell the other countries to stop loaning Puerto Rico money they are never going to pay back.

Federal health officials says moms who drink alcohol while pregnant can cause problems for their unborn child. To which the women who drink while pregnant are asking what are they supposed to do instead to pass the time while they smoke?

Federal health officials says moms who drink alcohol while pregnant can cause problems for their unborn child. Although the irony is that if it weren’t for alcohol they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.

San Francisco is weighing giving out condoms to middle schoolers. It wasn’t all that long ago that a child opening a condom packet would be wondering why a balloon comes individually wrapped.

San Francisco is weighing giving out condoms to middle schoolers. Mostly so by the time they are in high school they aren’t adding to the number of kids in elementary school.

An Australian man has gone on a diet where he will eat only potatoes for a year. Mostly because the idea is still a lot more appetizing than actually trying to eat even one meal with Vegemite.

President Obama is seeking $1 Billion in funds to fight drug abuse. Apparently once that is used to finally get Lindsay Lohan clean, the President will determine where we can go from there.

Lady Gaga will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl 50. The only problem is making sure none of the tailgaters get a hold of her meat dress and barbecue it before the game.

Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw says the lack of a DH in the National League “makes for a better game.” Mostly from a pitcher’s viewpoint because he gets a chance at three or four more strikeouts every game.

Roger Goodell says the NFL didn’t record the PSI levels of footballs in spot checks this season. Mostly because every time he hears about how low the pressure is in a game ball his blood pressure goes up by double.

Roger Goodell says the NFL didn’t record the PSI levels of footballs in spot checks this season. He says it isn’t a problem as long as the balls are only flat on the bottom.

The Cleveland Browns are reportedly going to cut Johnny Manziel but will wait until March 9th. Apparently they want to wait until the earliest projected date he will not be either in jail, on trial or in rehab.

Ronda Rousey’s mother predicted her daughter would be knocked out by Holly Holm. Well, that’s going to make for an awkward Mother’s Day dinner table conversation.

Yahoo will reportedly layoff 1,700 of its company’s 11,000 workers. Apparently they are trying to keep the staff to around the same level of the number of people who still actually use Yahoo.

Mark Zuckerberg has passed Jeff Bezos to become the world’s fifth richest person. Apparently his plan to have all his Facebook friends send him in a dollar actually worked.

Apple is reportedly working on a no touch display screen for hovering fingers. Apparently it is for people who enjoy annoying other movie goers by texting their friends during a film but don’t want to get popcorn butter all over their iPhone screen.

A study says that cities with Super Bowl teams have a higher death rate from the flu. Mostly from cheering on their teams in the late season by going to games in blizzard conditions wearing only boxer shorts and body paint.

NASA is denying a claim that hackers took control of one of their drones in midflight. The rumor apparently started when the drone actually took off and landed on target without crashing.

A new testing program could make hoverboards safer. Apparently it has something to do with having users ride them wearing asbestos suits that come equipped with their own fire extinguisher.

A former CIA Director is telling company CEOs to not rely on the government security. And who better to know that than the person who ran the agency that had no idea about the fall of the Soviet Union, 9/11 and thought the war in Iraq would be a cakewalk.

Customs officials have seized thousands of counterfeit hoverboards last month. Which were pretty much used as a smokescreen by the people who were then able to sneak all the guns, drugs and explosives past the agents who were spending all their time looking for hoverboards.

A 4,500 year old boat has been discovered in Egypt. It was immediately determined to be an artifact as researchers couldn’t even find out where there was any room for the buffet tables.

A study says that fitness trackers are leaking data that lets other people track wearers. Which is no problem except that others will know when they are putting on their fitness tracker to work out but are in reality taking a walk to the closest Dunkin’ Donuts.

Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in a new two minute TV ad. Which was surprising given that after the Iowa Caucuses no one even thought Bush’s campaign had that much time left.

Donald Trump says after finishing second in Iowa that New Hampshire “probably suits me better.” Mostly because New Hampshire is the one state that is actually whiter than Iowa.

The GOP establishment is rallying behind Marco Rubio after his third place finish in Iowa. Mostly to try to do anything to prevent their worst nightmare of seeing the names of either Donald Trump or Ted Cruz on the November ballot.

Donald Trump says he feels a “tinge” of disappointment after his second place finish in Iowa. The worst part was that it happened on Groundhog Day and his hair couldn’t be there to console him as it was out looking for its shadow.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! So we are done with Iowa, which means just 49 more primaries to go and then the general election before we can get back to what really matters. Who will be running for President in 2020? I’m getting tired of the process already but at least it gives me some more material to write about than the other fluff that dominates the news every day. The only thing I ever read that still holds my interest is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!

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