Sunday, February 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Joe Biden introduced Lady Gaga at the Academy Awards, leading off by saying "I'm the least qualified person in the room." Mostly out of habit as that is the same way he starts off every speech.

Sylvester Stallone did not win the Best Supporting Actor award at the Oscars as expected. Apparently the Academy decided not to let him win as they couldn't find an interpreter for closed captioning who could translate an Italian-Cromagnon-Philly accent.
  
A lawyer for Apple says if the company loses to the FBI it will “lead to a police state.” Apple believes Americans should live in a free society, with the choice to voluntarily pay three times as much for electronic products as they are worth.

The Governor of Mississippi has declared April as “Confederate Heritage Month.” Although most other states north of the Mason-Dixon Line reserve honoring the Confederacy on just the first day of the month.

Mark Zuckerberg says that sharing more on Facebook leads to world peace. Mostly because it would be nearly impossible to start a war when all the soldiers refuse to fight because they would rather be watching cat videos.

Middlebury College in Vermont has banned Red Bull and 5-Hour-Energy drinks because of their link to alcohol and high-risk sex. Whereas before energy drinks, the biggest link for high-risk sex and using alcohol was going away to college.

Middlebury College in Vermont has banned Red Bull and 5-Hour-Energy drinks because of their link to alcohol and high-risk sex. If the students want to engage in those activities, they need to do it the old fashioned way and join a fraternity.

Middlebury College in Vermont has banned Red Bull and 5-Hour-Energy drinks because of their link to alcohol and high-risk sex. If students want to engage in using alcohol and high-risk sex, they should instead be going to college in Florida, Arizona or California.

Alabama has passed a law barring cities and towns from passing their own minimum wage laws. Mostly because they think it’s unfair to the majority of residents who only get a raise when there is an increase in unemployment, welfare or disability benefits.

A fishing business owner in the northeast has been arrested for selling protected fish for “bags of cash.” He would have gotten away with it if he didn’t make all the deliveries “C.O.D.”

Donald Trump says he can’t release his IRS records because he is currently being audited. Or as his tax records are considered by the government, “evidence.”

Mazda has recalled 1.9 Million vehicles because of faulty Takata airbags, pushing the worldwide total to more than 500 Million. Which came to nobody’s surprise when it was revealed that “Takata” is Japanese for Chrysler.

Chris Christie has endorsed Donald Trump as President. Apparently Christie thought Trump needed the help of someone who wasn’t afraid to be quite as subtle and understated.

Donald Trump says he wants to open up libel laws in order to make it easier to sue the press. Apparently he wants to hold the media accountable when they hold back on saying just how great he really is.

Donald Trump says he wants to open up libel laws in order to make it easier to sue the press. Apparently he blames the media for people thinking he is arrogant, racist and misogynistic for actually printing all those things he says.

The first Boeing 727 ever made will take its final flight to the Museum of Flight in Seattle. The plane was first used by United Airlines in 1963. The passengers on that flight still remember the thrill of arriving at their final destination in 1972.

Top chicken suppliers are moving to end using antibiotics in their chickens. Although some people like the idea, especially those who find they help ease the symptoms from the E.coli they get when they get a chicken burrito at Chipotle.

The IRS says that hackers were able to access more than 700,000 accounts, seven times the amount they originally estimated. People were surprised. There are 700,000 Americans who actually had to file a return claiming an income?

The IRS says that hackers were able to access more than 700,000 accounts, seven times the amount they originally estimated. Which isn’t comforting to Americans when the FBI still can’t figure out how to get past the pass code in an iPhone.

The U.S. bid to prosecute BP officials for the Gulf Oil Spill that cost 11 lives and dumped 3 Million barrels of oil into the ocean has fallen flat. They also let the Wall Street bankers get away with the mortgage crash but say they will be vindicated when they finally make Apple open up that iPhone.

The U.S. bid to prosecute BP officials for the Gulf Oil Spill that cost 11 lives and dumped 3 Million barrels of oil into the ocean has fallen flat. Even O.J. Simpson is asking for the phone number of their legal team.

Online shoe retailer Zappos is closing for Leap Day, telling employees to use the time to “do something big.” Although when you give minimum wage workers at a shoe company a day off to change the world, don’t be disappointed when they use the time to get a couple more hours of sleep.

Online shoe retailer Zappos is closing for Leap Day, telling employees to use the time to “do something big.” Although most workers at a minimum wage job at a shoe company will use the time to get a better paying job and tell their boss to take a flying Leap Day.

The U.S. is investigating a hack on the Ukrainian power grid they say was coordinated and highly sophisticated. Probably much more so than the Ukrainian power grid.

The U.S. is investigating a hack on the Ukrainian power grid they say was coordinated and highly sophisticated. But then this is from a government whose intelligence agencies can’t figure out how to get past the pass code of an iPhone.

The U.S. is investigating a hack on the Ukrainian power grid they say was coordinated and highly sophisticated. Apparently the shut down of the grid caused a power outage for as many as three households.

A poll says a majority of Americans see foreign trade as an opportunity for economic growth. The rest think about foreign trade and see it as a swap for American jobs going overseas in exchange for cheap crap they can order on Amazon.com.

President Obama will become the first President to visit Cuba in 88 years. Although when most Republicans’ think about a successful presidential visit to Cuba, the image that comes to mind is Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill.

Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner says quitting e-mail has improved the quality of his life dramatically. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Tell me about it.”

Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner says quitting e-mail has improved the quality of his life dramatically. To which the governors of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana are saying “What’s e-mail?”

Weight Watchers stock crashed last week with new investor Oprah Winfrey losing a reported $24 Million. If that continues, at least Oprah will be eating lots of the bread she likes. Mostly because she will only be able to afford peanut butter sandwiches.

Weight Watchers stock crashed last week with new investor Oprah Winfrey losing a reported $24 Million. Which means when Oprah does a commercial saying she lost 26 pounds through Weight Watchers, it was 26 pounds worth of $100 bills.

Outraged parents went on social media after finding mold in some new sippy cups. Although it turns out the mold was still not as bad as most the sugary drinks the parents were putting in the cups.

The Cleveland Clinic has performed the first uterus transplant in the U.S. Apparently the donor uterus came from the Octomom, who says she still has three or four spares that are in working order.

A study says that meditation may help seniors with lower back pain. Especially the ones who lost their health insurance and need a treatment that doesn’t cost them any money until they reach Medicare age.

A study says that marijuana use early in life may alter the brain. To which pot smokers are saying isn’t that pretty much the point?

A study says that teen mental health is at risk in homes with limited availability of certain foods. In other words, kids go crazy if the cupboards aren’t full of chips, cookies and candy.

A study says that teen mental health is at risk in homes with limited availability of certain foods. The study left out the fact that teen mental health is at risk just because of the fact they are teenagers.

A study says that anxiety in women may mask heart disease symptoms. That ought to make the women who are worried about having a heart attack much more relaxed.

A study has identified the seven states with the highest rates of accidental gun deaths which were all in the South. However, Florida wasn’t on the list mostly because the majority of gun deaths there are all intentional.

A new PBS documentary is about the information revolution of big data. Ironically it doesn’t need to be shown on TV since everyone can already get it on all the pirate video streaming sites online.

The author of the book the movie “The Revenant” is based on is also a deputy U.S. Trade Representative. Which means coming from a commerce official, the story about a frontiersman continually defying death and seeking retribution is actually a metaphor for the U.S. trade policy.

Gordon Ramsay tried Girl Scout cookies for the first time and gave a less than glowing review. He also told the Girl Scouts selling the cookies that the sugar content is making them fat and stupid and that they will never amount to anything.

Dodger outfielder Yasiel Puig says he wants to buy a helicopter to get back and forth from Dodger Stadium. No one is sure why he just can’t take a car like all the other players. It’s not like there is any traffic around the stadium before the third inning.

Mark Cuban says the NBA should move the three point line farther back. Which probably won’t happen after all those years where Shaquille O’Neal failed with his attempts to have the free throw line moved from fifteen feet away to two.

Mark Cuban says the NBA should move the three point line farther back. Although most game officials are more interested in a way to move the owners’ boxes to a location outside the stadium.

Mark Cuban says the NBA should move the three point line farther back. That way it won’t seem so bad to opposing players when Stephen Curry is sinking treys from only ten feet behind the line.

The salary cap of NFL teams in 2016 will be $155.27 Million. Or as the Cincinnati Bengals call $155.27 Million, the team’s bail bond account.

The salary cap of NFL teams in 2016 will be $155.27 Million. However, the league points out it is also increasing the money set aside for concussion treatment and research all the way to $7.25.


A report says that Electric Vehicles will be cheaper to operate and own than gas powered vehicles by the mid 2020s. Especially with oil executives working day and night to manipulate the market to bring back $4 a gallon gasoline.

Apple shareholders showed their support for CEO Tim Cook at their annual meeting with a standing ovation. Apparently it isn’t enough of a show of support that they look the other way when it comes to paying him a yearly salary of $65 Million.

John Kasich says if he doesn’t win Ohio, he will be going home. Which won’t be a big deal since as Governor of Ohio, that happens to be his home.

Donald Trump is blaming his legal woes over Trump University on a Hispanic judge. In fact, if the lawsuits proceed he is now threatening to build a wall around the courthouse.

Donald Trump’s latest attack against Marco Rubio claim he stole from the Republican Party. Which apparently is worse than Trump limiting his stealing from his investors every time he declares bankruptcy.

Donald Trump says he gets “unfairly” audited by the IRS every year. Apparently it has to do with his deducting the cost of his haircuts as a charity donation for volunteering as a client at the blind barbers college.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! OK, I got in a couple of late Oscar jokes as promised earlier. It was actually a pretty good show this year, almost ending on time which means just an hour late. I missed the Chris Rock monologue because the show started at 8:30. Who starts a major awards show on the half hour?! That was not brilliant planning. But having Rock host the show was. That is a tough gig and he pulled it off. I did see the monologue online this morning and he was very funny and skewering as usual. I personally don't think Hollywood is racist. It isn't about white or brown or black. It's about green. If you pull people in to the theater and make the studios a lot of money you will be working. Will Smith pretty much proves that point. Of course, if it was really all about money than there would be a special Oscar given out every year for the best concession stand worker. They are the ones who really take me for what I am worth every time I make it out to the movies. As far as winning awards, these jokes have never gotten me any hardware. But the only award I need is the one I get every time you all remember to make sure to send the love!

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