Friday, February 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Citibank says the risk of a global recession is rising. And who would know better than one of the banks that helped cause the last great global recession in 2007?

An explosion of tech startups is taking place in the nation’s heartland which is being dubbed “the Silicon Prairie.” Although some of the ventures may have a little trouble catching on, like the Uber knockoff that has ride sharing using Conestoga wagons.

An explosion of tech startups is taking place in the nation’s heartland which is being dubbed “the Silicon Prairie.” Some of the ventures may have trouble catching on, like the dating site for stout farm women called Plenty of Heifers.

Police say a Pennsylvania high school honors student near graduation is actually a 23 year old Ukraine national with a fake ID. Authorities say they have never seen a 23 year old in high school other than a Texas football player looking for a college scholarship.

Police say a Pennsylvania high school honors student near graduation is actually a 23 year old Ukraine national with a fake ID. Or as a 23 year old in high school is called in Alabama, a prodigy.

Scientists claim they can create babies in a lab by injecting eggs with artificial sperm. Which means technology will change the story parents tell their children when they ask where babies come from to saying they were brought by the drone.

Scientists claim they can create babies in a lab by injecting eggs with artificial sperm. To which men will now be able to just lie on the couch all day drinking beer and watching TV saying “our job here is done.”

A report says a new Google robot could signal the end of manual labor. Which means once it is programmed to arrange Slim Jims on a shelf and clean out the Slurpee machine, half of America will be collecting unemployment.

Joe Biden is set to introduce Lady Gaga at the Oscars. Well, so much for any hopes of the show ending before midnight this year.

Joe Biden is set to introduce Lady Gaga at the Oscars. It will be the first time in Academy history the orchestra will start playing send-off music during an introduction.

Police are looking for three women in Zimbabwe who picked up a male hitchhiker and forced him to have sex so they could collect his sperm. The entire story can be read in the African edition of Letters to Penthouse.

Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake was on an African convoy that was charged by elephants. Which is called the absolute definition of “irony.”

Weight Watchers says that Americans gained 582 Million pounds last year. Which answers many people’s question of “Is it me or is the Earth getting a little more gravity?”

Weight Watchers says that Americans gained 582 Million pounds last year. The good news is that if we get heavy enough, it will slow down the planet so that the length of a year will be stretched out and we will all be able to live longer.

Ohio police are searching for a bald man in connection with a series of thefts of Rogaine. They don’t actually have any pictures of the suspect but then who else would be stealing Rogaine?

Ohio police are searching for a bald man in connection with a series of thefts of Rogaine. Police say he is no amateur. He has the technique of a very polished criminal.

Ohio police are searching for a bald man in connection with a series of thefts of Rogaine. Authorities are hoping to catch him in less than six months before his disguise finally grows in.

Google has developed software that can determine where pictures were taken. Which is pretty easy, especially the ones that feature a large mouse in the background and can be assumed to be another selfie from Disneyland.

Google has developed software that can determine where pictures were taken. Which is easy since most pictures online are of meals, and those with bratwurst are from Germany, escargot from France and anything completely unappetizing from England.

A British man has legally changed his name to “Bacon Double Cheeseburger.” Which works out well since his wife is named Patty.

A British man has legally changed his name to “Bacon Double Cheeseburger.” Although he could be in trouble for going around asking women to be like Burger King and hold the pickle.

Mumbai, India has outlawed selfies in the city after a series of fatal photo-related accidents. The sad part is that all of the victims will be remembered for having the same last word. “Cheese.”

Mumbai, India has outlawed selfies in the city after a series of fatal photo-related accidents. Authorities say it is just a matter carelessness that can be solved if people would just be more focused.

Mumbai, India has outlawed selfies in the city after a series of fatal photo-related accidents. Some people are against the ruling, saying it’s not right to turn what used to be a fun activity taking photos into something negative.

A study says that marijuana related ER visits in Colorado are up 57% since pot was legalized. Although the visits to the ER are not directly from marijuana but from severe indigestion from overeating pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

Donald Trump is facing several lawsuits from students of Trump University who say they didn’t get what they paid for. The school offered classes mostly in real estate because they knew they would get no one to enroll if they tried to make it a barber’s college.

Donald Trump is facing several lawsuits from students of Trump University who say they didn’t get what they paid for. Which may be what Trump was referring to when he said he loves the poorly educated.

Donald Trump is facing several lawsuits from students of Trump University who say they didn’t get what they paid for. To which Trump counters they have no claim since losing all their money and getting nothing for it taught them all a very valuable lesson.

Apple says the government can’t force them to write code when it comes to unlocking the San Bernardino shooters’ phone. The company says code writing should only be done voluntarily for projects that help humanity, like programming “Grand Theft Auto V.”

An e-mail scam is said to have taken in $2 Billion in funds from victims. It is the most money ever associated with e-mail other than the congressional investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private server.

Winston Churchill’s grandson says Britain’s possible departure from the European Union is an idea “between terrible and lousy.” Leave it to the British to get completely overemotional and out of control on a political issue.

Elvis Presley’s physician George Nichopoulos, also known as “Dr. Nick” has died at age 88. While he lived a long life, he lived his final years disabled from a severe case of writer’s cramp from all the prescriptions he made out for Elvis.

San Francisco school officials have voted to give condoms to middle school children. Teenage boys have been able to get condoms for years. The only difference is that back then, they would be carried around in a wallet for the next seven years.

Health officials in Las Vegas have declared an outbreak of Syphilis. Although no one is surprised with all the politicians who were recently in Nevada for the Republican and Democratic caucuses.

Health officials in Las Vegas have declared an outbreak of Syphilis. Which is about as alarming to residents as an outbreak of strep throat in a leper colony.

A study says that nearly all seniors are affected with a decline in senses. Which explains why your grandparents’ have never noticed that their home has had “old person’s smell” for the last 30 years.

A study says that nearly all seniors are affected with a decline in senses. Which may explain why they have no problem with eating the same early bird dinner at Carrow’s every night of the week.

A nurse in Pennsylvania is being accused of assisting a surgery while drunk. The first sign something was wrong was when the doctor asked for the forceps and the nurse was using them to take the cork out of a wine bottle.

A nurse in Pennsylvania is being accused of assisting a surgery while drunk. Authorities knew something was wrong when the nurse listed the surgeon as Dr. McGillicuddy.

A judge has ruled that New York City has the right to require restaurants to warn about high salt content. The restaurants are complying, as long as they can still get away without warnings about rats, cockroaches and e.Coli.

The Fox TV series “Bones” is set to end in 2017. In order to save money on production, the show will shoot its final episodes using a skeleton crew.

The Fox TV series “Bones” is set to end in 2017. The show will end to avoid a legal fight over the use of the name which is claimed to be trademarked for the next talk show featuring Larry King.

Cheryl Tiegs says Sports Illustrated using plus size model Ashley Graham for their swimsuit issue is “unhealthy.” Just thinking about being a plus size is enough to make most supermodels want to gag.

Cheryl Tiegs says Sports Illustrated using plus size model Ashley Graham for their swimsuit issue is “unhealthy.” Which it is for supermodels who know it will cost them their livelihood the minute they go over 95 pounds.

Cheryl Tiegs says Sports Illustrated using plus size model Ashley Graham for their swimsuit issue is “unhealthy.” What is really dangerous is when a skinny supermodel calls a large woman unhealthy to her face.

“Old Yeller” was named the all time favorite family movie by the American Humane Association. Not only that, but the ending is also considered to be the most heartwarming ever by Michael Vick.

Stephen Curry set the record for consecutive games with a three point basket with 128. Which also ties the team record for the Clippers for the number of consecutive games scoring at least three points.

Apple claims the order from the FBI to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone is a violation of free speech. Which means the Supreme Court decision over Citizens United can finally give corporations personhood for something other than campaign donations.

A federal judge has given Volkswagen a month to bring 600,000 diesel cars into compliance with clean air laws. To which the company is figuring the easiest way to do that will be to ship them all over for sale in China.

The Iceland tourism board has made a video showing tourists how to avoid awkward situations while using a public hot tub. The first thing is to be ready to be subjected to looking at a bunch of naked Icelanders with prune skin.

Astronaut Scott Kelly, who is planning to return to Earth after a year in space says he could go another year on the ISS. Although he is ready to lose the orange skin tone he has developed from washing down more than a thousand meals with a glass of Tang.

A Chinese start up has showed how it is possible to unlock an iPhone using Play-Doh. Which is where the FBI went wrong in that their agents are much more used to trying to solve their cases with Silly Putty.

Ben Carson interrupted the latest Republican debate asking if someone could please attack him. And Jeb Bush is the one who was criticized for asking for an audience for some applause.

Ben Carson says in nominating a Supreme Court Justice he would look at “the fruit salad of their life.” As opposed to when most people elect their members of Congress and pick the biggest fruit cake of their life.

Donald Trump says the world would be better off if Saddam Hussein and Gaddafi were still in charge. Which since they aren’t, Trump is giving the voters the next best choice in electing him as President.

A toy company has made an action figure of 74 year old presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. When you pull the cord, the doll says “Get off my lawn!”

A report says that Jeb Bush spent $32.5 Million on each delegate he picked up in the primaries. Washington insiders were shocked. Lobbyists only have to spend half that much to buy any member of Congress.

France’s favorable rating in the U.S. is at a record high 87%. Apparently all our reality TV shows like “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo” have made us identify with people who are rude, self absorbed and not fond of personal hygiene.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Oscars are this Sunday. There is nothing quite like watching an overpaid, underworked egotistical actor being made even less humble by being honored for doing their job and then listening to them thank their agent, manager and accounting firm. It’s like the presidential debates only at least we aren’t responsible for who wins. I can hardly wait to see how Chris Rock tears it up as host. He is always funny and his sardonic wit will really take it to the Hollywood establishment. That’s worth it right there. The only thing that is better is when you all remember to take the time to always make sure to send the love!

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