Thursday, February 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Vienna was picked as the best city on the planet to live in. Most people around the world know it as the home of Mozart and for the beautiful blue Danube River. Although most Americans know it as “the place they make them tasty little sausages.”

Vienna was picked as the best city on the planet to live in. Many of those people include supporters of Donald Trump who know Austria more as “the motherland.”

Beijing has overtaken New York City as the billionaire capital of the world. The way to tell the difference between millionaires and billionaires in New York is the millionaires still don’t have quite enough money to move out of their 5th Avenue refrigerator box.

The public school system in Washington, D.C. is looking for Cuba for help with improving literacy The island nation has a literacy rate of 99.8%. Mostly people who have a real incentive on learning how to read those manuals on how to build a raft.

A poll says that 62% of Americans don’t care at all about the Oscars. Which is no surprise seeing that about the same percentage don’t care enough to vote for the country’s next President.

A poll says that 62% of Americans don’t care at all about the Oscars. Mostly the people who go to see Adam Sandler movies and ask “What’s an Oscar?”

The Pennsylvania State Police academy says 29 cadets left the school following a cheating scandal. Apparently it had to do with one of the cadets distracting the instructors by making realistic sound effects with just his voice.

The Mayor of Ithaca, New York is calling for supervised heroin injection sites. Some people are against the plan, while others are asking “Have you ever been to Ithaca?”

Charges against former Texas Governor Rick Perry for abuse of power have been dropped. Apparently prosecutors looked at his performance as a presidential candidate and said “What power?”

A message in a bottle dropped off New York ended up 29 months later 3,600 miles away in France. Which coincidentally is the same schedule for anyone trying to get from New York to France flying on United Airlines.

A message in a bottle dropped off New York ended up 29 months later 3,600 miles away in France. After which the sender got a nasty letter sent back saying “Hey, the bottle was empty!”

The President of Egypt is being mocked for saying he would sell himself to help the economy. Which is different from politicians in the U.S. who pretty much sold themselves to the banks and other big businesses that destroyed our economy.

The President of Egypt is being mocked for saying he would sell himself to help the economy. To which his opponents are saying just sounds like another pyramid scheme.

South Korea lawmakers have used a filibuster for the first time since 1969. To which Republican members of the Senate are saying “Amateurs!”

Abercrombie & Fitch received the lowest score of any retailers on a customer satisfaction index. Mostly from people who want to look at a catalog to get an idea of what they are selling and see models for once who are actually wearing some clothes.

Ford is recalling 51,000 Transit Wagons for a seat belt defect. As opposed to Chrysler which says it will start putting seat belts in vehicles when they come up with one that actually makes it out of the driveway.

Nike founder Phil Knight has given $400 Million to Stanford. Apparently he just couldn’t stand the thought of his alma mater not having the resources to come in with a better than a 12-2 football season.

Nike founder Phil Knight has given $400 Million to Stanford. Which means he pretty much just supplied the school’s athletic teams with free shoes for a year.

Nike founder Phil Knight has given $400 Million to Stanford. Which is ironic in that most of the workers at his Nike factories are taking a break from their education after just recently making it through Kindergarten.

A report says lenders are dropping a plan to judge prospective borrowers by their Facebook friends. Mostly because it’s hard to believe most men’s Facebook friends whom 95% are hot women who claim a Harvard degree but spell like a first grader.

The Islamic State has reportedly threatened Mark Zuckerberg for suspending their Facebook accounts. If there is anything that will put a price on your head, it is taking away the ability to look at what everyone had for breakfast and the latest cat videos.

A computer scientists says that buying one of everything offered on Amazon would cost $12.86 Billion. The good news is that for another $99 all of it will be shipped for free.

A computer scientists says that buying one of everything offered on Amazon would cost $12.86 Billion. Which is a lot less than everything offered on eBay, considering $12.86 Billion is the asking price for just the latest piece of Jesus toast.

A computer scientists says that buying one of everything offered on Amazon would cost $12.86 Billion. The only problem is that it would actually cost twice that to pay for replacements for the first items ordered when they fall apart after a week.

A poll says that Hawaiians are the least satisfied when it comes to affordability for local housing. Which isn’t a big deal since the residents there are more concerned that they also can’t afford the cost of food, clothes and health care.

A poll says that Hawaiians are the least satisfied when it comes to affordability for local housing. Which is hard for the people who decide to live in an area with more economical home prices who have to deal with that rough daily commute from Nevada.

A report says the average American collecting Social Security is taxed on 44% of their benefits. To which the top 1% says the answer to that is to have a side income of more than $20 Million a year which means not paying taxes on any of it.

Lexus finished first in the latest J.D. Power auto dependability study. Although Chrysler objected, saying that when you get behind the wheel of a Chrysler, you can depend on it not making it all the way out of the driveway.

Lawmakers say that Takata manipulated data to hide problems with their airbags. Apparently they are blaming the problems on passengers and drivers who should have known to jump from the vehicles before the airbags exploded in their face.

Lawmakers say that Takata manipulated data to hide problems with their airbags. Their claim is that the injuries weren’t caused as much by the exploding airbags as by the force of the cellphone they were staring at getting propelled into their face.

A report says in the future, credit cards will be able to tell people when it is time to fill their tank with gas. Mostly when the card is used to call for Triple A towing and at the hardware store for a gasoline can.

A report says in the future, credit cards will be able to tell people when it is time to fill their tank with gas. Which will come as a relief for people who find it just too difficult to take their eyes off their cellphone long enough to see if the gas gauge is stuck on “E.”

200 students at Miami University of Ohio have reportedly come down with a case of norovirus. Apparently it was the hospitality majors who signed up for an internship on the Carnival cruise that was sponsored by Chipotle.

A study says that children have an easier time learning if exercise is part of their math and spelling lessons. To which most kids are asking why they are still having problems when their teacher has them do the math exercises in their book every day.

A study says that children have an easier time learning if exercise is part of their math and spelling lessons. The only problem is that after exercising, the only words the children can spell are “exhausted,” “can’t breathe” and “oxygen!”

Medical marijuana has been legalized for the first time in Australia. Which has altered the phrase to “put another shrimp, some pizza, Oreos and Doritos on the barbie!”

A sportswriter is tweeting that Tiger Woods can’t walk long distances, climb stairs or sit in a car seat that isn’t fully reclined. The writer then corrected the tweets saying he was actually talking about John Daly.

Dating site Tinder says the sexiest profession for men is pilot. Which shows that the real reason all the tech geeks become Silicon Valley billionaires is so they can find a way to finally afford to take flying lessons.

Dating site Tinder says the sexiest profession for women is physical therapist. Although men somehow get that confused and keep on ending up making appointments with their massage therapist.

Dating site Tinder says the sexiest profession for women is physical therapist, with models ranked 10th. Which explains why Kate Upton, Bar Refaeli and Behati Prinsloo always seem to look so lonely.

“The Big Bang Theory” has reached its 200th episode. The show is such a success as it airs on CBS where most the viewers were actually around when the Big Bang happened.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have settled their custody battle after seven years. Fortunately her strong family values mean while there are prolonged court battles over her children, at least they never have to see their mom go through a divorce.

A poll says that movie goers have picked “The Revenant” as the Best Picture. Especially Republicans who say the movie reminds them of watching the presidential debates.

The lead singer of the Irish band The Cranberries has been fined $6,600 over an air rage incident on a flight from New York to Ireland. Which is what happens when booking a flight for that distance on a Ryanair jet that has one bathroom.

The lead singer of the Irish band The Cranberries has been fined $6,600 over an air rage incident on a flight from New York to Ireland. Which is good news for Sinead O’Connor who at least for now is giving up the title of “that crazy Irish woman.”

Three major country music festivals have been canceled this year with little or no explanation. Apparently it had something to do with the organizers getting divorced, having their truck repossessed and seeing their dog run away.

Douglas Slocombe, the cinematographer for the first three “Indiana Jones” movies has died at age 103. To which Harrison Ford says it’s just tough to see someone like that cut down in the prime of life.

Douglas Slocombe, the cinematographer for the first three “Indiana Jones” movies has died at age 103. Apparently he was chosen for the films because he was there for the unveiling of the original Ark of the Covenant.

Actor and former NFL player Terry Crews says an addiction to porn “really messed up” his life and threatened his marriage. In other words, he was caught by his wife.

Golden State Warriors guard Stephen Curry tied an NBA record with a three point goal in his 127th straight game. Which coincidentally is also the record for the number of consecutive games where Shaquille O’Neal missed every free throw attempt.

The NFL says it is moving closer to ejections for personal fouls. Fortunately for the players, they still get multi-million dollar contracts, endorsements and personal appearance fees as long as they keep the personal fouls off the field.

Two members of the British Parliament are asking Roger Goodell to change the name of the Washington Redskins. Apparently they are thinking along the lines of something much less controversial that people can identify with, like the Fighting Irish.

The U.S. government is asking the tech and entertainment industries to help with the fight against terrorism. Mostly to see if they can find some way to keep a lower profile for Mark Cuban and Mel Gibson.

Apple says it is working on an unhackable iPhone. Which sounds like they already have done that, at least if you ask the FBI.

GM and Toyota posted solid marks in the J.D. Power dependability rankings for three year old vehicles. Although Chrysler did not take part in the survey as they are still looking for one of their cars that is still running after three years.

Jeb Bush made a short phone call to thank his supporters. The worst part is that all his supporters were able to listen in on the call on the same phone.

Jeb Bush made a short phone call to thank his supporters. The sad part is that the call lasted longer than his campaign.

Jeb Bush apologized to his donors after spending $130 Million with barely any results. Even Time Warner says their deal with AOL was money better spent.

A poll says that nearly 20% of Donald Trump’s supporters think freeing the slaves was a bad idea. To which Amazon.com is saying “They freed the slaves?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I cranked out a lot of jokes for you today. Which means the odds are way up that one or two might actually be funny, you never know. Well, maybe you do. But I am always here no matter what material I have to go with to try to keep you amused. To which most people are saying, try harder! It isn’t really much of an effort as long as I have all of you to keep me going by making sure to remember to always send the love!

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