Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Brazil is planning to zap mosquitoes with radiation to halt the spread of Zika. So what is the risk of a little radiation poisoning in order to keep from getting a virus that can give you a fever for a few days?

Scientists say that eating in the dark can help people lose weight. Except for Taco Bell customers who actually gain weight in the dark because the only way they can finish a meal is with the lights out.

Vienna, Austria has been ranked as the best city in the world to live in. Americans love the thought of living in Austria because of all the kangaroos, koalas and a shrimp on the barbie.

A former meerkat expert at the London Zoo has been cleared of assaulting a monkey handler over a love spat with a llama keeper during a Christmas party. What do they think this is, some kind of zoo?

A former meerkat expert at the London Zoo has been cleared of assaulting a monkey handler over a love spat with a llama keeper during a Christmas party. It sounds like the making for an adult version of Doctor Doolittle.

The Egyptian military is calling a life sentence given to a toddler over the murder of three people “a mistake.” Apparently the law is very clear that the maximum penalty should have been 20 minutes of time out.

The Egyptian military is calling a life sentence given to a toddler over the murder of three people “a mistake.” Obviously, Egyptian law calls for anyone convicted of a crime to also have at least one limb be cut off.

Data says that 82% of Brazil’s soccer players earn less than $252 a month. Which is ironic in that when the sign their contracts, they are allowed to use their hands but not their heads.

A poll says that Social Security and joblessness are Americans’ top economic concerns. Mostly for people’s fear of being out of work until they are seniors means they won’t be able to collect any Social Security.

A poll says that Social Security and joblessness are Americans’ top economic concerns. The good news is that being permanently unemployed has taken away their former economic concern that income taxes are too high.

A Catholic sex abuse hearing in Rome will reportedly take place in the middle of the night in a hotel room. Which sounds more like they are trying to recreate the scene of where it all actually happened.

Russian vodka exports are down 40% from last year. Mostly because of Putin’s economic policies and wars have caused Russians to need to drink it all themselves.

A crackdown on alcohol abuse in Sydney, Australia is causing a backlash among the party culture. Apparently stopping the sale of alcohol after 3:00 AM means many people there are going to have to start the day by skipping breakfast.

A crackdown on alcohol abuse to cut back on violence in Sydney, Australia is causing a backlash among the party culture. The people there are upset the only options for violence when sober are joining a soccer, rugby or Aussie Rules football team.

McDonald’s is changing its “McPick 2 for $2” menu to “McPick 2 for $5” but will include Big Macs, Quarter Pounder and Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Which means the “McPick 2” will also give the choice of an ambulance or defibrillator.

Scientists are saying that moisture and high humidity were part of the cause of the Takata airbag failures. Mostly from Chrysler owners who break out into a flop sweat every time they hit the brakes and hope it keeps them from crashing.

The actor who plays the Dos Equis “Most interesting man in the world” is being sued by his former manager. The worst part is he will probably lose his job as what is less interesting than sitting in a courtroom while your legal team fights your battles?

The new SpotHero app helps people reserve a parking space when they go out. There aren’t really any parking spaces. It just means while you are out eating dinner some valet is using your car for his second job as an Uber driver.

A report says that cereal sales have fallen 30%. The reason is Millennials don’t like eating them because of the clean up afterwards. Apparently Millennials can only eat food that is prepared and brought to their door after ordering it with their smartphone.

PBS says it is going to launch a 24/7 kids’ network so kids can watch educational programming during prime time. Mostly to keep them away from the fate of their parents who kill millions of brain cells with every episode the watch of “Two Broke Girls.”

PBS says it is going to launch a 24/7 kids’ network so kids can watch educational programming during prime time. Fortunately, there will still be regular PBS programming for adults who need their daily fix of humorless, droning comedies, insufferable dramatic series and pointless interview shows that even the BBC is tired of showing.

Millions of Snickers and Mars bars have been recalled in 56 countries after plastic was found in one of the snacks. Ironically, it was probably the most nutritious ingredient that would have been found in the entire batch.

Identical twin sisters in Utah gave birth to twins for the second time each. If nothing else they have a future doing some commercials for Doublemint gum.

Identical twin sisters in Utah gave birth to twins for the second time each. Both of the moms are reportedly doing well, as are their children, husband and his three other wives.

A study says that ADHD increases when more expectations are put on young children. Child care experts were surprised. There are people who still have expectations for their kids?

Scientists have come up with an explanation as to why people like Morgan Freeman’s voice. Mostly because when they get a ride they would rather hear the guy from “Driving Miss Daisy” than the whiny high pitched voice of their 20 year old Uber driver.

A study says that even a 5% weight loss can improve the health of the obese. Which for most overweight people means cutting back and only eating 11 doughnuts out of the Krispy Kreme box.

A study says that even a 5% weight loss can improve the health of the obese. To which most obese people are having to decide if that means they should cut off an arm or one of their legs.

A study says that preschool children whose parents are depressed or anxious are more likely to be fussy eaters. Mostly because no one wants to sit through an entire meal with people who are perpetually sad or can’t sit in their chair through the main course.

A study says that high impact exercise can strengthen men’s bones. Although for most men, high impact exercise means falling off the couch after passing out from drinking too much.

A study says that high impact exercise can strengthen men’s bones. To which most men are asking why they need to have stronger bones unless they have any desire to do high impact exercises.

A study says that driving while angry, sad, crying or otherwise emotional increases the risk of crashing more than using a cellphone. Especially when the driver is emotionally upset from not being able to get a cellphone call through from being with AT&T.

A study says that driving while angry, sad, crying or otherwise emotional increases the risk of crashing more than using a cellphone. Especially when the driver is emotionally upset from being texted yet another recall for the GM vehicle they are driving.

A study says that a messy kitchen leads to people snacking more. Especially when the mess is from all the discarded pizza boxes, fast food bags and ice cream cartons.

Beijing is going to raise the threshold of its red alerts for smog. You know it’s getting really bad over there when people say they need to get a breath of fresh air as they are lighting up a cigarette.

Beijing is going to raise the threshold of its red alerts for smog. Apparently it will only be considered a red alert when the air is no longer brown but has turned red because it is actually on fire.

A study advises mothers to give newborns Vitamin D supplements. Mostly because they need the sunshine vitamin as they will be spending the next 24 years of their life sitting in a dark basement playing video games.

Chelsea Handler says that Kanye West will have a mental breakdown in front of everyone. Apparently she has never watched the Grammys, “The Kardashians” or ever read any of his tweets to know that train left the station years ago.

Chelsea Handler says that Kanye West is a delusional, unstable maniac. To which Kim Kardashian is saying “Yes, but he’s MY delusional, unstable maniac.”

Chelsea Handler says that Kanye West is a delusional, unstable maniac. Although apparently he has just enough sanity left in his brain to keep him from ever committing to making an appearance on her show.

Demi Lovato had a personal meeting with the White House Drug Czar. How much cocaine have you done to where the White House comes to you for information and passes on asking Mexico to extradite El Chapo?

Demi Lovato had a personal meeting with the White House Drug Czar. Wouldn’t it be nice just once to have a celebrity who is a source of information to the departments of Labor, the Interior or Education?

A poll says that Los Angeles residents support the city making a bid for the Olympics in 2024. Mostly because it takes them less time to schedule another Olympics than it does to replace an NFL franchise.

16 University of Tennessee coaches held a pep rally to defend the culture on campus. If nothing else, it was the first time the words “Tennessee” and “culture” were ever used in the same sentence.

16 University of Tennessee coaches held a pep rally to defend the culture on campus. Although what they showed was that their culture is pretty much that of a junior high school by actually using the term “pep rally.”

Red Sox slugger David Ortiz says as he retires he is “ready to pass the torch.” Mostly to be used on the reference book listing the team’s statistics for the 2015 season.

A report by Facebook says there are now 3.2 Billion Internet users on the planet. The method of determining the number is based on the number of meals and cat videos that are posted on the social media site every day.

Pro-Apple protests in their battle against the FBI attracted small crowds across the country. Mostly because the majority of people are afraid the FBI will see them at the protests and look into what they are doing with their Apple products online every day.

Pro-Apple protests in their battle against the FBI attracted small crowds across the country. How sad is it that you can barely get any support even when the other choice is the FBI?

MasterCard will start allowing customers to verify their ID online using selfies. The only trick will be for customers to make sure to take a selfie that matches the sad face on their credit account when they get their monthly statement.

MasterCard will start allowing customers to verify their ID online using selfies. The only problem is that the store might turn down the purchase when they see the selfie is from the customer’s Bahamas vacation that they haven’t paid for yet.

A report says that Apple has been ordered to unlock 14 other iPhones in the past four months. Although those were mostly the private phones of CEO Tim Cook who seems to keep forgetting his password.

A new smart toothbrush called the “Genius” costs $250 and helps people brush their teeth better. The only problem is with the people who can only raise that much cash from getting money left by the Tooth Fairy.

A new smart toothbrush called the “Genius” costs $250 and helps people brush their teeth better. Which pretty much means that the toothbrush gets its name for actually getting someone to pay $250 to buy one.

A study says most people will connect to an unsecured Internet Wi-Fi hotspot if it is free. As opposed to the people who get a secured connection at Starbucks by spending half their daily wages on a large Mocha Latte for the privilege.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the good news is that only 3.2 Billion people in the world have Internet access. That means my goal of 7 Billion daily readers couldn’t happen in the first place and I can now drop my goal by more than half. That makes your job so much easier in trying to round up all the readers you can. With the new parameters we should have this done in no time. So...what are you waiting for? Some funny jokes? That means we both have a dream. In the meantime, when you have a few spare minutes not dedicated to getting more readers for this site make sure you use it to remember to always send the love!

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