Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that 47% of men who carry their cellphones in their pockets had affected sperm levels. Which is no big deal since the men who always stare into their cellphone screen can’t interact with another person enough to ever actually even get a date.

Former Solicitor General Ted Olson is calling the order to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone a “Pandora’s Box.” Which is a coincidence with the people who listen to Internet radio on their phone and call it the same thing.

A new blood test reportedly reveals a person’s “true age” along with their chances of dying. The only problem is that people are afraid if their true age is discovered they will lose their membership on all the dating sites they use.

A survey says a majority of Canadians believe that climate change is caused by humans. Which scares them with the idea of having to look at Canadian men who no longer have to go south to Miami to parade around on the beach wearing Speedos.

A study says that breathing smog filled air can make people fat. Especially if the air they are breathing is filled with the smoke from barbecue grills.

A U.K. woman reportedly killed her boyfriend because he spent too much time on Facebook. Apparently she thought it would have been too rude and impersonal to break up by sending a text message.

The White House says there is an 83% chance that a job paying less than $20 an hour will be replaced by a robot. Mostly because 83% of all jobs now are paying less than $20 an hour.

Egypt has jailed the author of a sexually explicit novel for two years. Apparently authorities felt it was just too steamy when they got to the romantic scenes where the woman actually took off her Burka.

Egypt has jailed the author of a sexually explicit novel for two years. To which all the other writers are saying “that ruling Sphinx!”

Jeb Bush dropped his run for President after spending $130 Million and accomplishing nothing. Which means he is much more suited to instead making a run for Congress.

John Kasich is apologizing after saying he got the support of women who “left the kitchen” to vote for him. Now he just has to figure out how to get the support of the other 90% of the women who “left the kitchen” back in 1968.

A study says the world’s sea level is rising faster than at any time during the past 28 centuries. It is being blamed on global warming, the ice caps melting and Chris Christie after dropping his run for President taking some time off for a dip at the Jersey Shore.

Researchers say they have discovered a 3,000 year old fingerprint on an Egyptian coffin lid. It made them a bit sad knowing that it was probably someone paying their last respects to their mummy.

Napa Valley wine icon Peter Mondavi has died at age 101. Or as he was referred to in the industry, vintage 1915.

Napa Valley wine icon Peter Mondavi has died at age 101. That’s the way it goes in the wine business. One day you are sitting at the cask, the next lying in the casket.

A study says that Hollywood is a “straight, white boys club.” Entertainment industry  insiders were shocked. There are straight men in Hollywood?

A study says that Hollywood is a “straight, white boys club.” Which means that Silicon Valley was just started by the same people who weren’t good looking enough to make it in the movies.

Allstate Insurance says that driverless cars could threaten their business. It’s looking so bad that when the technology takes over it will be hard to tell any of their agents from that Mayhem guy in their commercials.

Allstate Insurance says that driverless cars could threaten their business. People were surprised at the news. Now if there was something they could do to help end the IRS, Wall Street banks and cable companies.

Allstate Insurance says that driverless cars could threaten their business. It’s just too bad there isn’t some kind of business around where they could pay money to take out a policy to protect against some kind of disaster.

A poll says that more Americans are seeing China as the world’s to economy. Mostly because the only thriving business left in the U.S. is the one that makes the labels that say “Made in China.”

A Texas woman says that surgery on her abdomen left her without a belly button. She is ready to take the case to court where it could turn into a real navel battle.

A study says that coffee may protect the liver from damage done by alcohol. Which means the problem is pretty much taken care of by making the drink of choice an Irish coffee.

A study says that coffee may protect the liver from damage done by alcohol. The only problem is that most people would be able to afford the cost of a liver transplant easier than they could a monthly bill from Starbucks.

Taylor Swift says she was the “happiest Maid of Honor ever” at a friend’s wedding. The only awkward part was everyone knowing that the groom, Best Man and all the groomsmen were all Swift’s former boyfriends.

Canadians have been banned from testing online for the show “Jeopardy!” Mostly because to make it in the form of a question they just keep ending every answer with “Eh?”

Donald Trump taunted the Chicago Cubs owning Ricketts family on Twitter, accusing them of donating money to beat him. Which should please him knowing the Cubs haven’t been able to back a winner since 1908.

Lakers President Jeanie Buss says she has no plans to bring fiancee Phil Jackson back to the team. Mostly because he is working with a Knicks team that is finally better than the Lakers for the first time since 1973.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says he is confident the Tampa Bay Rays will play an exhibition game in Cuba next month. Which is different than most of their other exhibition games, which fans know as the regular season.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says he is confident the Tampa Bay Rays will play an exhibition game in Cuba next month. Mostly so they can see what it is like to play in facilities that are more attractive than Tropicana Field.

Former football player Terrell Owens says he thinks that social media could have improved his image. That’s true. Look what social media did for the image of Alec Baldwin, Kanye West and Anthony Weiner.

Tiger Woods’ agent dismissed reports on Twitter saying that the golfer has been suffering setbacks in his recovery from back surgery. His agent says that Tiger is right on track with his plans to be back in shape just in time to join the Senior Tour in 2025.

The Chicago Cubs have been listed as a 4-1 favorite to win the World Series. Although what was missed is that the odds posted were for the year 2092.

The Chicago Cubs have been listed as a 4-1 favorite to win the World Series. The bad news is that it was for the World Series of Poker.

The Chicago Cubs have been listed as a 4-1 favorite to win the World Series. To which Jeb Bush is saying if that is possible, maybe he called off his presidential campaign too soon.

President Obama is set to host an economic summit at Stanford in June. The main topic of interest for students will be how to go to Stanford and not be in debt with college loans for 40 more years.

Starbucks has changed its rewards program to benefit bigger spenders. The good news is for those people who qualify for a new Mercedes Benz with their fifth large double mocha latte and bistro box breakfast.

An oil group says that slashed spending on drilling during the current glut will double oil prices by 2020. Or as oil executives like to call that, “We’ll be back!”

A poll says that the public supports the FBI over Apple for unlocking the San Bernardino shooters’ cellphone. Mostly because no one has ever left FBI Headquarters wondering why they just paid triple the cost of other gadgets to buy an iPhone, iPad or iMac.

NASA says it is working on laser technology it says could cut the travel time to Mars down to three days. Which must be similar to the technology currently used by United Airlines which allows for the same amount of time to get from L.A. to Chicago.

A U.S. judge is describing Apple’s refusal to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone as “marketing.” Which doesn’t seem like a great marketing ploy to constantly associate the terms “San Bernardino shooters” and “iPhone.”

Astronauts on the Apollo 10 mission reported hearing odd “space music” on the far side of the Moon. Hadn’t they ever heard of “Lunar tunes”?

Astronauts on the Apollo 10 mission reported hearing odd “space music” on the far side of the Moon. It turns out that it was the astronauts from Apollo 9 who left a Yanni mix tape in the capsule's cassette player.

A federal agency says the devil ray may go on the endangered list. Although looking at the latest Major League Baseball standings, it looks like they are in a lot better shape than Tigers, Marlins or Diamondbacks.

A 106 year old woman who was invited to the White House says she can “die happy” after meeting President Obama. Which means she had better make sure she passes away before November when Donald Trump has a chance of being elected.

A New Hampshire state representative called Pope Francis I “the anti-Christ.” Although apparently she was looking at how the Pope differs from the philosophies of the Republican presidential candidates and meant to call him “the anti-Christie.”

A poll says the four countries most Americans consider our greatest enemies are Iran, North Korea, Russia and China. Mostly for the economic and political differences with Russia and China, and with Iran and North Korea as they are the two countries we may actually be still able to beat in a war.

Bob Dole has endorsed Marco Rubio for President after Jeb Bush dropped out. Mostly because it’s hard for anyone 92 years old to have any affiliation with anyone who isn’t from Florida.

A poll says that 4 out of 5 Americans view Syria unfavorably. The other one would be happy if they were just able to find Syria on a world map.

A poll says that 4 out of 5 Americans view Syria unfavorably. Especially the ones who are planning to vote for Donald Trump and find they view pretty much every other country on Earth unfavorably.

A group of Italian children is trying to raise $3.3 Million to buy a Mediterranean island. Which is the difference between a private school and the public school children who only go as far as holding bake sales to buy some more books for the school library.


Researchers say that Adolph Hitler suffered from a syndrome that resulted in very small genitalia. Which is brilliant even if not true in that anyone who tries to take over the world will have everyone saying "Oh, yeah. We know why."

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today seemed like a tough day for joke writing as there just wasn’t a lot of great material out there. Which should be taken care of for tomorrow considering that today is the Nevada caucuses for Republicans and South Carolina primary for the Democrats. All I need is one Donald Trump news conference and tweeting session and I am set. But no matter what, I always seem to squeeze out something for all of you to hopefully enjoy and get a laugh out of. Which I figure I have at least a decent chance of by cranking out around 50 jokes a day. My motto is always quantity over quality. Which is why I am still not giving up on my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Although that quantity would probably go up if there was more quality. Oh, well. I am always just happy when you all remember to take the time to remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hope you just made a mistake rather than altered the facts to conform to your personal opinion. One of your stories is:

A survey says a majority of Canadians believe that climate change is caused by humans. Which scares them with the idea of having to look at Canadian men who no longer have to go south to Miami to parade around on the beach wearing Speedos.

I think you left out the word "don't" A quick Google search will produce many stories all saying that most Canadians don't think climate change is man made. Your first line, which is supposed to be factual is the direct opposite of this.

http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/most-canadians-dont-think-climate-change-is-manmade/article/2583853?custom_click=rss