Sunday, February 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that anxiety overdoses are at record levels. That should relax the people who currently are on prescriptions for their nerves.

A report says that anxiety overdoses are at record levels. Mostly people who are gulping them down like candy while watching the Republican presidential debates.

The price of gasoline in Venezuela has jumped all the way up to 15 cents a gallon. Which is still expensive for anyone commuting to where they can find the closest job in Argentina.

Terrafugia says its first flying car will be ready by 2018. Which will be great for anyone going to O’Hare International Airport who can fly over the three hour traffic delays to get to their gate just in time to wait three hours for the delay of their flight on United.

French President Francois Hollande’s plan to dilute the 35 hour work week has angered French socialists and unions. The French are complaining the longer work week won’t give employees time to shower before work if they ever actually did that.

A man tried to place Hillary Clinton’s obituary in a Las Vegas newspaper. It turns out he was a bit premature and should have instead been doing the same thing in a South Carolina newspaper for Jeb Bush’s campaign.

Jeb Bush has suspended his campaign for President. Actually, the candidacy was pretty much over last June. It’s just that someone finally got up the nerve to tell Jeb.

A study says the Paleo “caveman” diet can lead to weight gain and susceptibility to diabetes. The bad part is the news caused a huge increase in health insurance premiums for all the employees at GEICO.

A study says the Paleo “caveman” diet can lead to weight gain and susceptibility to diabetes. Not only that but it can also cause a real urge watch the entire catalogue of movies featuring Sylvester Stallone.

Ugandan leader Yoweri Museveni is claiming victory in a disputed election while his opponent has been detained by the government. To which all the American presidential candidates are saying “You can do that?”

The Justice Department is questioning Apple’s motives for refusing to help the FBI unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino shooters. To which most people figure it is the same motives they have for everything else. Profit, power and world domination.

 An Oregon man has pleaded guilty to hacking cellphones to get celebrities’ nude photos. The question is, then why can’t the FBI with all their agents and their huge budget figure out how to break into one cellphone to recover a few text messages?

The FBI says it can’t get into the San Bernardino shooters’ cellphone because it is encrypted. Which most people think “encryption” means that an iPhone will be buried with its user because no one can pry it out of their cold, dead hands.

Iran says it is seeking $45 Billion in foreign investment. Which is going to be tough now that the crash in oil prices has dropped the net worth of the entire country down to $3.7 Million.

Iran says it is seeking $45 Billion in foreign investment. To which the U.S. government says it can’t help as our entire oil investment fund of $2 Trillion was used up on the invasion of Iraq.

Maserati has unveiled its new deluxe SUV. Although no one saw the day when Maserati used its technology in a vehicle to hug a hairpin turn in order to keep from knocking over grocery bags.

The latest trend in big cities is “daybreaker” parties where no alcohol is served and people dance and talk all night while sober. The only problem is figuring out how to get people on a dance floor or talking to strangers without first having at least five drinks.

Rapper 50 Cent has been ordered to court to explain why he is declaring bankruptcy while posting photos on Instagram surrounded by large amounts of cash. His excuse is that the cash in the photos is the $53 Million he mistakenly loaned to Kanye West.

A Chicago inventor has lost a battle over a patent for a ketchup packet with Heinz that allows people to dip french fries with less of a chance of a spill. He claims the legal team of the major corporation eventually squeezed him dry.

A survey says the public supports Apple’s fight against the FBI over iPhone privacy. Mostly the people who are scared that the ability to unlock iPhones will end up with their naked selfies all over the Internet.

A report says that airline complaints were up 30% in 2015. Which is confirmed by a report showing that United Airlines increased its number of flights in 2015 by 30%.

Jerry Seinfeld is selling off 16 of his Porsches. Which means without personal transportation he is going to have a new show called “Comedians Drinking Coffee On The Bus.”

Jerry Seinfeld is selling off 16 of his Porsches. Apparently he is having to sell them to pay off production costs of his show “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” after he got his latest bill from Starbucks.

The U.S. government says it will seize or recall hoverboards that fail to meet safety standards. The government wants kids to be safe from fires and go back to just riding skateboards where the only worry is for broken bones, dislocations and concussions.

The U.S. government says it will seize or recall hoverboards that fail to meet safety standards. People were surprised. They had no idea that GM was making anything other than cars.

A report says that pathologists are divided over the decision to not perform an autopsy on Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Although after Scalia’s role in decisions like Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, most think the autopsy should have been done on  the Constitution.

A study says that constantly looking at cellphones and other electronic devices can interfere with a person’s hearing. Mostly because while people are busy looking at Internet porn, they have no interested in what anyone else happens to be saying.

A Utah woman claims to have found a snake’s head inside a can of green beans. The manufacturer says it was inadvertent. They had no idea anyone was every going to actually eat a can of green beans.

A study says that college age binge drinkers are at risk for higher blood pressure. Mostly the ones who start drinking after their blood pressure has already skyrocketed after getting the bill for the college tuition loans.

Researchers say the lead levels in the water in Flint, Michigan are “much, much better.” Which is as comforting as Chipotle customers being told their burritos have way less e.Coli now than it did the last time they got sick.

A report says 1 in 5 American adults visit the ER yearly. The other four avoid the trips by making sure they don’t ride their hoverboard while being distracted by their cellphone on their way to lunch at Taco Bell.

A report says that some Starbucks drinks contain as much as 18 teaspoons of sugar. Which explains the increase in heroin use in the U.S. as it is cheaper and apparently not as bad for people as having a daily large double mocha latte.

A report says that some Starbucks drinks contain as much as 18 teaspoons of sugar. Which Starbucks says is no big deal, as long as customers have them with one of their blueberry insulin scones.

A study says that obesity can send kids’ blood pressure rates soaring. The only problem is that their blood pressure is still nowhere near as high as when someone attempts to pry the Krispy Kreme doughnuts out of their fingers.

A study says that smoking cigarettes can cause neck problems. Mostly from being hit on the back of the head when lighting up too close to a militant non-smoker.

A California board has rejected a requirement to wear condoms when making porn movies. Apparently the main issue was from film companies complaining of the expense of condom handlers demanding union wages for being reclassified as “wardrobe.”

A lock of John Lennon’s hair was sold at an auction for $35,000. Which is ironic in that most parents in the 1960s would have given him even more money back then to get a haircut.

Kris Jenner says that she fears Kanye West is damaging the Kardashian brand. Which has been so carefully built on the foundation of Kim’s sex tape, Bruce Jenner’s conversion to transsexual and Lamar Odom’s drug overdose.

Kris Jenner says that she fears Kanye West is damaging the Kardashian brand. Which is strange she would have that concern in that the only thing that could bring down that family’s reputation is if one of the members were to actually start acting normal.

Jermaine Jackson has called out Donald Trump for saying that Michael Jackson lost his confidence from “bad, bad, bad surgery.” Which is an interesting analysis seeing how Trump hasn’t lost his confidence from a bad, bad bad haircut.

Barry Bonds is making his case for being enshrined in Cooperstown, saying “God knows” he is a Hall of Famer. He only used PEDs to offset trying to hit a 95 MPH fastball and run around the bases while being weighed down by 35 pounds of gold jewelry.

A report says the Tennessee trainer who is claiming she was sexually harassed by Peyton Manning also claimed he cheated in class. Which really brings her allegations into question. Who would believe a star quarterback was actually taking a class?

A new app claims it can make users’ handwriting more legible. To which everyone under 25 is saying “What’s handwriting?”

A new online site says it will tell people they smell badly so their friends won’t have to. Oddly enough, there have been millions of requests but they are all only going out to people named Pierre, Genevieve and Jaques.

Archaeologists in the UK say they have found a wheel dating back 3,000 years. Apparently it was a ruin left over from an angry passenger involved with history’s first attempt at Uber.

NASA astronauts on the International Space Station released a capsule containing one and a half tons of garbage over Bolivia. Apparently the thought is if it makes it through the atmosphere and lands on Bolivia no one will notice.

NASA astronauts on the International Space Station released a capsule containing one and a half tons of garbage over Bolivia. Hopefully it will burn up in the atmosphere because the last thing anyone should have to do is clean up a ton and a half of Tang soaked astronaut diapers.

The Department of Defense says it is upgrading 4 Million computers to operate on Windows 10. Mostly as a way for the military to blame 9/11, Iraq and Afghanistan all on the country putting its protection in the hands of Windows 95, XP and Vista.

A 600 year old Medieval shipwreck was pulled out of a Dutch river. It was the oldest known maritime disaster involving middle ages other than the fans who flock to cruise ships that are hosted by Motley Crue, KISS and Styx.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Can you believe Jeb Bush has ended his campaign for President? Can you believe that Ben Carson hasn’t? Things are getting interesting. Well, not any more interesting than when Donald Trump actually started leading the polls. The good news is that I am at least guaranteed fresh material every day through the conventions. Probably through the election. Unfortunately, more than likely for several years after that. The only thing that will get me through all of this will be when you all remember to always make sure to take the time to send the love!

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